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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH never buys me food….

312 replies

Lifeisaminestrone · 13/07/2021 21:49

My DH and I both work FT but he is keen to do the weekly food shop on a Sat. I won’t do this but I have repeatedly offered to order online (he says he enjoys it).

Anyway, I have asked him to buy me some food both sandwich fillers and snacks while wfh, and he never does. He’ll buy me a few drinks I like (alcohol and non-alcoholic) but that’s it. Anyway it’s getting me rather down.

I should add that we are by no means poor - we have good professional legal incomes and are high earners.

We have been in lockdown for a while now and I really would appreciate him buying me some food I would like. I have told him what I would like added on the list.

Anyway am I being unreasonable in the expectation of food or should I buy my own (I used to always buy out when working in town).

It’s a similar thing with ironing he’ll do his and my child’s but not mine (although I do the washing and putting away for all of us).

Just finding it a bit hurtful. Been married 10 years!

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 14/07/2021 05:51

I assuming this is joint grocery shopping for the week? If my husband forgets something on the list he goes back for it. Write it down, hand it to your dh and say remember to check it, and if you come home without all of it it you will just have to go straight back. And I still get mad sometimes as I point out if he has to go to the shops 2 or 3 times ti get everything on the list without forgetting anything then I’m home looking after our children / prepping for guests while he does and it’s very unproductive.

Aprilx · 14/07/2021 05:56

It does sound very odd. Attempting to give the benefit of the doubt, could it be that he doesn’t know what you want as “sandwich filler” and “”snacks” could cover a multitude of things. If you put down “ham slices” and “muller yoghurt pack of six” or whatever would he buy those?

SarahBellam · 14/07/2021 06:10

Has it got anything to do with him not wanting to spend money on you that doesn’t benefit him in some way? He’ll buy you drinks so that you can enjoy a drink together, but won’t buy you food because he doesn’t get any benefit from it? Either way it’s really odd behaviour, particularly when he doesn’t do your ironing but you do his washing. I think you need to sit down and have a proper conversation, assuming there are no other issues and tell him what you’ve told us. Just ask him.

JeansShirtJeansJacket · 14/07/2021 06:16

You need to get to the bottom of this. It's not ok and I would not be fobbed off with "i forgot" every single week. Something else is going on here.

Original poster
Lifeisaminestrone · 14/07/2021 06:35

Thanks for your comments - maybe I need to be more specific with the actual items and explain to him where they are found. I think I will give him one last try at buying these items and if he cocks up again it will be online ordering from now on!!

For the OP particularly who’s husbands’ buy them treats you are very lucky - how lovely.

With regard to me making reference to our incomes that was purely didn’t think I was asking him to purchase on a cash strapped budget. Yes, separate finances, but we have similar outgoings and monies left over each month and all savings are shared jointly. I’m not asking for ££££ of shopping so I do expect him to buy this. I’d find giving a contribution slightly petty to someone I have been with for 15 years (pre-married).

Snacks may seem wasteful to some people but that’s how I eat - little and often - and while not a Victoria’s Secret model I weigh less than 9 stone so I don’t think he’s worried I’ll be gorging on my weight in chocolate while working from home.

I also leave the house!!! I do 50 percent of school runs, exercise etc. I just struggle to fit in a trip to the shops during the day as traffic can be busy but more importantly seems a waste when there’s a weekly shop being done.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 14/07/2021 06:35

He's intentionally not buying food and ingredients you've asked him for - this isn't the odd occasion, once in a while, he's just refusing to help you out.

He's either tight as a ducks arse or he enjoys bating you, by taking the list of items then forgetting them each time and blaming it on his bad memory or lack of time.

Whatever, this is not healthy behaviour in a loving relationship- shopping should be either something one person does, but takes on board the needs of the other, or a shared chore that you take in turns.

The fact he doesn't do your ironing says he's a tight arse - which extends beyond shopping and into everyday things that help you out.

What does he bring to your relationship?

Bluesheep8 · 14/07/2021 06:41

maybe I need to be more specific with the actual items and explain to him where they are found.

You do. It's called a shopping list. Instructions as to the location of the items shouldn't me necessary, just imagine walking round the shop and write the list in that order.

daisychain01 · 14/07/2021 06:42

OP you are totally right that it's a waste of time two of you shopping, when you're holding down a job plus childcare.

To your point

maybe I need to be more specific with the actual items and explain to him where they are found.

This made me smile, he isn't a 5 year old, you should be able to say what ingredients you want and if he can't find them, he can ask the nice shop keeper Grin if it gets so that he puts barriers in the way or can't be bothered to look for something you know he's being Passive Aggressive and has an attitude problem.

FortunesFave · 14/07/2021 06:48

Mine's a bit like this. I think it's just down to pure self-centeredness. It's all "What do I want" and not "What did x want?"

They just put us out of their mind once they're in the shop. Literally don't consider us.

speakout · 14/07/2021 06:49

You need to communicate more.
OH loves to do the weekly shop, but works away a lot with work, so doesn't always know what we/I need.
So before he goes shopping we will sit down for 10 minutes and will discuss meal for the weekend, he will write down items on a piece of paper as we go, then I will tell him stuff I need for the forethcoming week. Anything I fancy or plan to eat also gets written on the list.
I make sure that stuff is written down. I know that if I simply ask and he tries to remember, then a good chance he will forget.
And to be fair I am the same. I find supermarkets a little overwhelming, I can have a list in my head, but the moment I enter the store and surrounded by a barrage of noise and visual stimulus my mind freezes a little and I often forget stuff.
Having a written list is helpful for me too.

Walkingwounded · 14/07/2021 06:52

I think there is a small red flag here in that he does the same with ironing. You say he does his and your child’s, but not yours.

If he sees you as individuals who are responsible for themselves, rather than as working together in a household team/unit, then that is an issue.

I think you need to ask him why he always ‘forgets’ to get your shopping, and why he does not do your ironing. What is stopping him? Does he see you as a household unit who share tasks?

Maybe have that conversation before you go down the road of a separate online order, thereby dividing you up even more.

CupoTeap · 14/07/2021 06:54

He's choosing not to do it. He needs to put his big girl pants on and explain why. There should be no reason for you to get your own shopping delivered that is ridiculous. You need a serious conversation with him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 14/07/2021 07:05

That is terrible, OP. I also cannot understand the posters making excuses for him; there really aren't any.

Do you benefit from being a married couple? I would find this so soul-destroying and, assuming that I had my own money and career (which you do), I wouldn't be afraid to disassociate myself from ANY chores that I would automatically do for him. Let him do his own damn washing and ironing, cooking, etc.

He must have done this the first time and 'got away with it' to feel so entitled to carry on 'forgetting', 'in a rush' and the myriad other stupid excuses. You don't need to put up with this.

nancywhitehead · 14/07/2021 07:06

Have you told him what you have said on here - i.e. that this actually matters to you and it is upsetting you that he doesn't buy you what you ask for?

Forgetting once or twice is understandable but every time? To forget or be in too much of a rush to fulfill a request from your wife?

If after knowing that and having it spelled out for him he still doesn't change and start getting what you want, I would actually consider whether this relationship is meeting your needs.

Yeah it's a small thing, but small things do add up and they do matter in long term relationships like this.

MyOtherProfile · 14/07/2021 07:07

Have you sat him down and explained how upsetting and inconvenient this is? And how it doesn't say much for what he thinks of you if he can't get you a few bits? I'd do this. I would also give him a written list but I wouldn't explain where to find stuff because he is a regular shopper and needs to grow up a bit

ineedaholidaynow · 14/07/2021 07:14

Who does the cooking?

Do you share the drinks he buys that you like?

billyt · 14/07/2021 07:15

As Walkingwounded said there's also a red flag about ironing, whereas almost everyone seems to be on about the shopping (or rather lack of).

he's an arsehole over ironing. Is he always that petty?

I'll go shopping regularly and will search for things my OH likes. She can be a bit of a struggle to buy for as due to some health issues there are a lot of things she can't eat. I might see something and think she might like that.

Ironing? I can be a bit fussy over how my things are ironed and so I'll ask her if she wants anything done while I've the iron out. And even if I wasn't ironing for myself I'd offer to do hers. Because we're a partnership/team.

Lifeisaminestrone, I bet if you sat down and really thought about it, there are other small issues and you definitely aren't in this together.

And as your name goes 'serve it up with Parmesan cheese'. But don't expect your OH to buy it.

Iwonder08 · 14/07/2021 07:21

Gosh, so much drama out of nowhere. What is stopping you from ordering online what you want and then let him do whatever he wants with his Saturday shopping? Or even going to a shop yourself after work? You know.. People do.
In regards to ironing-some people can be awkward about it.. For instance it is much harder to iron a small ladies shirt than an ordinary mens shirt.
If these are the only problems you have then I would say you are a drama queen. However if it is just yet another way he undermines you, shows you he doesn't care in other ways then it's a whole different story.

Ohanaa · 14/07/2021 07:23

My OH used to do this. He would do a weeks shop but come back with practically nothing for me and no fruit at all Hmm He just said he forgot or was unsure what to buy (we never do lists).

He’s now a lot better but it’s took a while. I’m sure he only now buys the fruit though to make his gins look fancy!

ViewFromTheRoof · 14/07/2021 07:24

This is deliberate on his behalf and it feels a bit sinister. When you add in the ironing issue what does he actually do for the family as a whole ie that includes you?

If this is about money why does he not ask you to contribute? How did you organised money/shopping for food previously?

I don't consider myself "lucky" that Dh buys things specifically for me in the supermarket. Flip this round, why wouldn't he? Dh went to pick his prescription up from the supermarket pharmacy, I asked if it was at all possible to get a tin of black beans, this was a Saturday morning, he got the beans but then declared to the teen boys that somehow some cookies had just fallen into his basket and he only noticed at the till. He made them ice cream cookie sandwiches for a treat. He will have hidden a stash of chocolate for me for when I am having a bad day, it will just appear. These are kindnesses that you do for someone you love.

So the question is, does he happily buy things specifically for himself and the children? Because that would be telling.

Nononsense2 · 14/07/2021 07:29

I think he's saying in a passive-aggressive way take care of your own stuff.
I wonder if he only does his own dishes or only makes his side of the bed Hmm

MichelleScarn · 14/07/2021 07:32

I'm confused, can't be that much of a controlling horrible arse if he agreed to Mmm, it is bizarre. I moaned at him tonight and made him go to the local store as was hungry!

Was there nothing at all in the house to eat? Why didn't you go yourself?

MzHz · 14/07/2021 07:33

@Lifeisaminestrone

Well I could buy my own food but if someone is going to the supermarket wouldn’t they buy for their spouse too?

His response is usually I forgot or I was in a rush!

Bloody hell! I go the shop JUST to pick up things for my OH or my son that I can’t get on the online shop.

Your H is utterly selfish and needs to be seriously pulled up on this

I’d be tempted to tell him to go BACK out to the supermarket to get him hat I bloody well asked him for the first time around

namechange90832 · 14/07/2021 07:38

Doing one's own shopping and ironing is a strange way for a married couple to live in my opinion.

SamMil · 14/07/2021 07:39

My husband and I have a 'Shopping' WhatsApp group, which is our shopping list that we both add to when we think of something. So whenever one of us goes to the shop, we pick up whatever is on the list.

Would something like this help so he can't "forget"?