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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH never buys me food….

312 replies

Lifeisaminestrone · 13/07/2021 21:49

My DH and I both work FT but he is keen to do the weekly food shop on a Sat. I won’t do this but I have repeatedly offered to order online (he says he enjoys it).

Anyway, I have asked him to buy me some food both sandwich fillers and snacks while wfh, and he never does. He’ll buy me a few drinks I like (alcohol and non-alcoholic) but that’s it. Anyway it’s getting me rather down.

I should add that we are by no means poor - we have good professional legal incomes and are high earners.

We have been in lockdown for a while now and I really would appreciate him buying me some food I would like. I have told him what I would like added on the list.

Anyway am I being unreasonable in the expectation of food or should I buy my own (I used to always buy out when working in town).

It’s a similar thing with ironing he’ll do his and my child’s but not mine (although I do the washing and putting away for all of us).

Just finding it a bit hurtful. Been married 10 years!

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 13/07/2021 22:39

I would be hurt by that! Insisting he does the shopping and not getting his wife food Angry It's exactly the same as you insisting you cook dinner and then not making him any!

Baddit · 13/07/2021 22:40

He doesn't think it's is job to remember your stuff or do your chores for whatever reason.

I'd 'forget' to do the things that help him in return like washing his clothes and cooking dinner (if you tend to cook) - although that could be a bad path to go down!

Ideally you'd be able to talk to him about how it makes you feel and he'd start acting more like a partnership.

HollowTalk · 13/07/2021 22:40

He's not useless. He doesn't forget his own things, just the OP's. He's utterly selfish and thoughtless.

HaveringWavering · 13/07/2021 22:42

When I go shopping I really enjoy picking out things that I know my DH and DS will like, then I come home and talk them through all the goodies I’ve chosen for them!

Your comment about how he hates it when you come and slow him down with browsing makes me think that maybe the issue is you are saying “sandwich fillers” instead of “thin sliced honey roast ham” or “tuna in spring water” or “crisps” instead of “lightly salted kettle chips”. Does he need to have it spelled out to him because he is incapable of browsing and making a choice within a wider category?

Though of course the primary issue is that he is a selfish knobhead. Saying he was “in a rush” when he chooses to do it as a weekend activity that he claims to enjoy is pathetic.

My husband is not a knobhead but he does have limited tolerance for browsing. I love a browse and get really annoyed when he steamrollers through and grabs the exact same stuff each time, no looking at new products, special offers or the reduced for quick sale aisle.

How do you decide what to eat for the meals that you eat together?

Maggiesfarm · 13/07/2021 22:44

My husband liked doing grocery shopping but I always gave him a list of things that I felt we would use and enjoy, and he probably wouldn't think of.

There's no point in being vague about what you want or need; write it down and present him with it.

If that doesn't work, order online.

I don't know what to say about him ironing children's clothes but not yours. Obviously a young child is not going to be ironing so it is good that he does that.

We used to use an ironing shop just around the corner to us, it was marvellous and didn't break the bank.

Bonnieonthelam · 13/07/2021 22:45

Oh wow. This happened to me. Could not understand it. No longer together because this was one of a mountain of others things he was fucking nasty about. It was always my things that would be left behind.

FatCatThinCat · 13/07/2021 22:47

He sounds resentful and doesn't seem to like you very much. Deliberately leaving out your ironing, not getting you any food, these are not the actions of a loving spouse. My DH has on occasion trawlled half the supermarkets in town to buy my favourite biscuits for me when the usual supermarket doesn't have them in.

YouMadeABear · 13/07/2021 22:48

This is so weird Confused I don't understand how you can be married and not buy your spouse food. I've had the "want owt from Tesco?" text at least once a week for 15 years. And if I say no he still brings home things he knows I like. Likewise I buy things I know he likes even Crunchy Nut Cornflakes when they aren't on offer because it makes him happy.

HaveringWavering · 13/07/2021 22:49

How do you pay the mortgage if you have no joint account?

PrincessNutella · 13/07/2021 22:50

Wow, that is awful. If he hasn't done YOUR shopping, he hasn't done THE shopping,

FusionChefGeoff · 13/07/2021 22:54

I'm struggling to see how anyone goes shopping without a list?! As presumably he wouldn't have a list and knowingly decide to NOT get a load of stuff that's on it?!

Just before he leaves on Saturday, hand him your list and say "here's what I need you to get for me - please don't forget otherwise you'll have to go back"

Maggiesfarm · 13/07/2021 23:00

I didn't get that the op's husband doesn't buy food which she will eat, ie dinners, just that he doesn't buy stuff she would like for sandwiches, snacks, etc. Sometimes you have to be precise about what you want, not just say "Something to make a sandwich", or whatever. He probably hesitates because he might buy the wrong thing.

It's possible to do a smaller online shop, he can still go to the supermarket for other things but at least then the op will have exactly what she wants.

Codoftherings · 13/07/2021 23:04

When he goes to do the shop on a Saturday do u give him a list of the types of things you’d like? If not then that’s the best thing to do. Rather than expecting something and being left disappointed, why not just ask him to bring back x y and z for you?

Codoftherings · 13/07/2021 23:05

I know if I send my OH to the shops he wouldn’t bring me anything back unless I specifically tell him what I want. Some people are just like that. Whereas if I went I’d know what he likes and I’d throw it in the trolley but we’re different people.

Terhou · 13/07/2021 23:06

Give him a list, stop buying stuff that he likes.

Henio · 13/07/2021 23:08

@Lifeisaminestrone

I don’t go shopping with him as see it as an inefficient use of time for two busy people! I also would always order online. Plus he hates me going with him - I slow him down with my browsing Hmm

Anyway, Sat morning I am ferrying child to clubs.

Interesting, comments I think I will order my food going forward for a few weeks but is completely barking!

Do you think he could be doing something else and then quickly grabbing a few bits in the shop quickly? Confused
SophieSellerman · 13/07/2021 23:09

Blimey, this is all very odd.

Where do you live, OP, to be in lockdown?

Is your child also his? (You refer to 'my child')

Why don't you have joint money? Is it because you and your child are a unit, and he is a separate unit? If so, that's different from you being a family. If you are both the biological/adoptive parents to your child (in which case, why refer to them as 'my child'?), why are you not pooling at least some resources?

Whatever the case, I think those are bigger questions than 'why won't he buy my sandwich fillers'.

longtompot · 13/07/2021 23:17

We have a list on the fridge which is added to during the week when we run out of things. I do the shop and get dh his cider or anything else he has asked me to get him. I find it really odd yours doesn't buy you things you ask for.

CrumpetyTea · 13/07/2021 23:20

Mine does that! He won't do online shopping but insists on doing a little bit pretty much everyday - but he buys what he wants mainly (and for DS)- he will buy stuff I like but only if i specifically request it- but won't add it to his "repeat" list eg I ask for nice white bread- he will buy it that one time but not the next- i ask again then h'll buy...not the next- its like he thinks my things are treats. Drives me mad. we always used to do big online shops but for some reason he won't since we moved country- but then uses the time spent shopping to justify not doing other thing (he's a SAHP as well)- no idea why. I think its subconscious that he is doing me a favour and its not his job (despite the fact that it is!) - i have to remind him to do my laundry as well.
I think you need to have the discussion with your DP that he needs to do the full chore- if he chooses just to buy his shopping he needs to do that in his own time not in family time

gigglybum · 13/07/2021 23:21

@Lifeisaminestrone

Thanks for all your comments - wide ranging. I’ll have a think re this Sat!!

Think off to bed for me now but I’ll have a look re posters tomorrow and reply.

Good night and thanks Smile

I'd book a delivery to coincide with when he's out doing the shop.
me4real · 13/07/2021 23:22

YANBU, that' just weird, and kind of controlling, or at least making life harder for you than it needs to be, same goes for the chores he does it with.

Have you asked him why he does both these things, @Lifeisaminestrone ? There's no real justification that I can see.

tappitytaptap · 13/07/2021 23:24

We have a google keep list and both add to it so if the other wants something it will be on there (and he wouldn’t be able to say he’d forgotten of all of your shopping list is on there) - would that work?
But yes I also find it odd!

cauliflowerkorma · 13/07/2021 23:30

Are you overweight?

The reason i ask is if he sees himself trying to 'protect' you from your own 'unhealthy choices'?

Doesn't make it right. Just trying to help you grapple with his logic!

postitgirl · 13/07/2021 23:33

Is it because he is paying for the shop ? If you do it online do you pay for it?

hookiewookie29 · 13/07/2021 23:44

Idiot! Him not you....
Let him go shopping, then order yours online.