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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH never buys me food….

312 replies

Lifeisaminestrone · 13/07/2021 21:49

My DH and I both work FT but he is keen to do the weekly food shop on a Sat. I won’t do this but I have repeatedly offered to order online (he says he enjoys it).

Anyway, I have asked him to buy me some food both sandwich fillers and snacks while wfh, and he never does. He’ll buy me a few drinks I like (alcohol and non-alcoholic) but that’s it. Anyway it’s getting me rather down.

I should add that we are by no means poor - we have good professional legal incomes and are high earners.

We have been in lockdown for a while now and I really would appreciate him buying me some food I would like. I have told him what I would like added on the list.

Anyway am I being unreasonable in the expectation of food or should I buy my own (I used to always buy out when working in town).

It’s a similar thing with ironing he’ll do his and my child’s but not mine (although I do the washing and putting away for all of us).

Just finding it a bit hurtful. Been married 10 years!

OP posts:
Hillary17 · 13/07/2021 22:15

I’d switch to online shopping or starting “forgetting” to make him dinner. If my husband did this I’d be raging.

Potpourri23 · 13/07/2021 22:15

The fact he won't do your ironing suggests this is a passive aggressive thing but an accidental absent mindedness

Crowsaregreat · 13/07/2021 22:15

DH and I use an app where we both add stuff to a shopping list then whoever does the shop buys the stuff on the list. Try giving him an actual written list, if he ignores that then it's a real problem. Us he being passive aggressive because he thinks something else in your household is unequal? Not attractive behaviour either way!

Bluntness100 · 13/07/2021 22:15

I also can’t see why you don’t just order your own food. If he keeps doing this you know he’s not going to get it, so just place an order and buy what you want.

CarnationCat · 13/07/2021 22:16

He doesn't do your ironing? So he must pick out his own and your DC's ironing and leave yours in the basket. That's nasty.

I don't buy that he's forgetting to get the food you want every week.

I bet they're are other ways that he 'forgets' to do things for you and you haven't noticed yet. He seems emotionally manipulative.

There is never a time where I would not do my DP's washing/ironing if it was in with the rest. And I would never not buy him the food he wants...week after week.

Merryoldgoat · 13/07/2021 22:17

Another one. How can’t you not share money after 10 years of marriage and children?!

It’s bonkers.

bigbaggyeyes · 13/07/2021 22:18

I find it very odd behaviour. Why wouldn't he buy you food (unless it's because he's buying it with HIS money)

Also the same with the ironing. Tbh the ironing would piss me off too, especially if you're doing his washing etc. I'd stop doing his washing and just do yours and the dc. If he says anything just tell him you thought that's what was happening as he'd set a president by doing his own ironing

Theunamedcat · 13/07/2021 22:19

Text him while he is shopping can you remember to get my food too this week

Is he just trying to make you pay for your own food 🤔 or the family food

If you do end up doing the shopping make sure you forget his

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/07/2021 22:19

I would most definitely be forgetting to do his washing and I certainly would not be putting his washing away when he won’t even iron yours. Your have some serious issues here-does he only make his half of the bed? Doesn’t sound like thoughtlessness to me-sounds like making a passive aggressive point sorry Flowers

lottiegarbanzo · 13/07/2021 22:20

Don't you have a shopping list?

We all write things we need or have run out of on the list, then the person who shops takes it with them and looks for those things, as well as the usual repeated stuff. (That is, I move it from wall to desk and go through it when shopping online).

Writing something on the list won't guarantee you'll get it (chocolate again, eh DC?) but it usually means I'll look.

stayathomer · 13/07/2021 22:21

myself and my dh just had this exact conversation-he asked did I realise when I'm making food eg snacks during the day am I aware I make it for the kids first and if there's any left over some for myself but never offer him any, and when I go shopping I never include the stuff I know he likes. Honestly it's just something I do, I go through what the kids want/need and as I go I see the stuff I like. It is definitely not intentional but I do do it for everything. He even showed me that I'd gotten out 5 breakfast bowls for breakfast. We were laughing about it though. I'm sorry you find it hurtful, I'm sure he doesn't mean it

Bobbots · 13/07/2021 22:21

@Crowsaregreat what app do you use please? Think I need to start using it!

HalzTangz · 13/07/2021 22:22

@Lifeisaminestrone

Well I could buy my own food but if someone is going to the supermarket wouldn’t they buy for their spouse too?

His response is usually I forgot or I was in a rush!

You mention he is often not with it, this is the same as my partner, he has an illness that causes his lack of concentration. I could send him to the shop with a list and he would get maybe a quarter of the list then pick up other stuff that caught his eye and then forget he had a list. He also always leaves his phone on a shelf in the store (puts it down to read a label then forgets to get the phone). You also mentioned he remembers drinks but not the food. Could it be he does the drinks aisle first so bottles don't squash the food (I always do drinks first then tins), if he does that maybe then he's getting distracted and forgetting other bits off the list.

I now do the food shop as it always resulted in me having to go to get everything he forgot. I would suggest you take over the shopping.

As for ironing, I do mine he does his. I refuse to iron 7 shirts a week (he never was casual clothes). But we do share all the other house related jobs reasonably fairly

mrsm43s · 13/07/2021 22:25

Given that you don't share money, are you giving him the money for the things that you want him to buy just for you?

Personally, I think the whole thing is bonkers and I'd prefer to share everything - money, shopping, ironing, washing etc. But you can't decide to have separate money, but then expect him to pay for all your personal stuff. Leave him a list of your personal stuff, and the cash to buy the stuff on the list, and he'll probably get it for you. That's how separate finances work.

AllosaurusMum · 13/07/2021 22:25

Are you offering to pay anything towards the food shop? He probably thinks you’re being cheeky trying to get him to pay for your lunches and snacks since you wfh now, but he’s still expected to cover his own lunch expenses.

Wrotten · 13/07/2021 22:25

[quote Bobbots]@Crowsaregreat what app do you use please? Think I need to start using it![/quote]
You can do it via Notes on an iPhone (if you both have one). You click that person icon at the top and you can add someone. My husband and I do it.

My DH never buys me food….
hellogem · 13/07/2021 22:26

That's very odd!! And not nice! Why would he forget when you've added it to the weekly shop!?
You must tell your dh to make it a habit to call you whilst at the shop so he can't forget! It's not fair on you to be treated in this manner, how would he feel if you did the shop and forgot what he asked for every single time.

Confusedandshaken · 13/07/2021 22:27

You say money isn't an issue so I agree you should let him carry on doing the shopping in his own very strange way while you order what you want online as a top up shop. You might have to bump up the order to reach the minimum spend level but if you drink alcohol that's very easy to do!

The ironing thing is odd too. Is he selfish in other ways OP?

TatianaBis · 13/07/2021 22:27

Don’t you do the shopping list together?

We have a list in the kitchen and both write down what we want/need.

Before you give up and do your own shopping, start writing a list and make sure he takes it. Then he has no excuse.

Original poster
Lifeisaminestrone · 13/07/2021 22:30

Thanks for all your comments - wide ranging.
I’ll have a think re this Sat!!

Think off to bed for me now but I’ll have a look re posters tomorrow and reply.

Good night and thanks Smile

OP posts:
SeeYouInFive · 13/07/2021 22:34

@Bluntness100

I also can’t see why you don’t just order your own food. If he keeps doing this you know he’s not going to get it, so just place an order and buy what you want.
I think OP is well aware that she can buy for herself the items that her husband always forgets to buy for her.

I think that instead of solutions to acquire the missing food items, she’s looking for insight into why he only ever forgets ‘her things’ on the list. And also why he will only do laundry and ironing for himself and their child but not her.

The big picture does make him seem very passive aggressive.

On the face of it he’s doing his share of the chores but if he isn’t including you as a member of the household in the shopping, or doing your ironing in consideration for one of the things you do for him, he’s actually just adding to your own load by stealth.

FootballisgoingtoRome · 13/07/2021 22:36

Are you housebound ? Just nip to a shop and get what you want how bizarre

Bryonyshcmyony · 13/07/2021 22:37

@FootballisgoingtoRome

Are you housebound ? Just nip to a shop and get what you want how bizarre
Yes this. Your dh is a bit useless. Do it yourself
mygood · 13/07/2021 22:38

there is a simple solution. He likes to go to the supermarket on a Saturday and get the weekly shop, great. You like to order online so why cant you do a seperate weekly order for your extra bits and pieces that he forgets? That way you are both happy ?

Mrsjayy · 13/07/2021 22:39

He sounds petty and selfish id do the online shop to Co e on a Friday so he isn't rushed and won't forget anything