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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take a much younger lover?

241 replies

MadamePalm · 12/07/2021 20:38

Early 40s. Separated but not yet divorced. Two young DC.

I have absolutely no interest in another serious relationship at the moment. The thought of another man coming in and breaking my heart like ex DH did absolutely horrified me. However I do miss male company (and sex)

I have a young man (basically half my age) showing very strong interest in me. He's gorgeous, sweet, sexy and already ridiculously successful for someone so young. I'm really tempted to throw caution to the wind and have some fun. However all my friends are telling me to find someone closer to my own age. I've dated a few guys in their 40s recently and they've just done nothing for me.

Am I a terrible old perve? Should I just go for it? I feel so conflicted!

OP posts:
BarefootHippieChick · 13/07/2021 13:05

I'd say go for it. It's just a fling. Interesting, a lot of young guys prefer older women because most of the time they've already done the marriage and kids bit and are just looking for fun, plus when women get to their 40s they tend to be more comfortable in their bodies which can be very sexy. Women in their 20s are often looking for the whole ring/marriage/kids thing, which most men aren't at that age.

(As told to me by some twenty something men i know 😁)

LuxOlente · 13/07/2021 13:11

Go for it. Bit baffled anyone would say no, really. 21 isn't an infant and it's not like you're going to drag him down the aisle.

God forbid some men are attracted to women not just for their looks, but for their maturity, confidence, competence, intellect and success.

proopher · 13/07/2021 15:02

I don't think all the stuff people are posting warnings about matters to the OP, she isn't looking for a deep and meaningful relationship by the looks of things, she wants a fling.

'He just wants you for a shag' it sounds like that's exactly what OP wants as well!

WeatherSystems · 13/07/2021 15:54

@ZoinksRun

I used to work with two very good looking guys in their twenties. You'd be surprised what younger men actually find attractive if they're being honest. They couldn't really care less about the 20 year olds with their huge eyelashes who were constantly on their phone. It was the mums on the school run, in their yoga gear, looking a bit harassed, the ones in their work uniform who had just finished a 10 hour shift, the older ladies who worked in the local estate agents. Beauty isn't confined to an age bracket. One of them left his university aged girlfriend for an older woman who had two kids and was recently divorced. They're literally the happiest couple I have ever met. He was 25 and she was ten years older. The heart wants what it wants!
DH has always been into older women. I’m only a few years older so not really an ‘older woman’ in any sense of the word, but he’d far rather date or sleep with a 40 something then a 20 something woman. One of his enjoyable memories is getting off with a woman 20yr his senior at a house party before we met! 🤣
IcedPurple · 13/07/2021 15:59

If it's just a fling - in other words just sex - and you have no expectations other than some 'fun' then I don't see the issue. It's unlikely to work out long term but if that's not what you're looking for then go for it. Yes, he's much younger but he's also an adult.

StarlightLady · 13/07/2021 16:31

@WeatherSystems - lt wasn’t me was it? 🤫

Blackhawkdown2020 · 13/07/2021 17:08

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

TheWernethWife · 13/07/2021 17:13

I'm 15 years older than my partner. Always gone for younger ones.

Go for it and enjoy.

WeatherSystems · 13/07/2021 17:34

[quote StarlightLady]@WeatherSystems - lt wasn’t me was it? 🤫[/quote]
Lucky you if it was Wink

CatAndHisKit · 13/07/2021 21:28

I like the old term 'take a lover' Grin.

To me it conjures up a picture of a bored Victorian woman 'taking a tonic' (or a happy pill)!
Bit consumerist but flings are like that.

ViciousJackdaw · 14/07/2021 00:55

Oh just shag him OP, you do not need anyone's permission. Just make sure you don't get hurt and for crying out loud, use a johnny.

StarlightLady · 14/07/2021 06:15

@CatAndHisKit - Taking a younger lover actually feels like taking a tonic! 💥

OP - get on with it! Get those knickers off! 😉

rantymcrantface66 · 14/07/2021 07:32

Sorry no I couldn't do it. I'm 41 and my nephews are that age and have friends with dc that age both I know would be pretty horrified if they were dating someone old enough to be their mum. Just because he's making lots of money doesn't mean he's any more mature. People will probably assume you're taking advantage and that his wealth is a contributing factor. All a bit icky.

rantymcrantface66 · 14/07/2021 07:47

To be frank - ime it's more likely you're a fetish (older woman experience etc) or a bet.

This fetish is definitely a thing. Lots of young men on dating sites put a fake date of birth so they come up in the searches of older women then explain in their bio's that they are looking for older women. I see it more and more, I assume because of all the milf porn online

I don't think all the stuff people are posting warnings about matters to the OP, she isn't looking for a deep and meaningful relationship by the looks of things, she wants a fling.

Yet it's a problem that the men her own age are commitment phobes?

WoolieLiberal · 14/07/2021 08:28

Ask yourself how you would feel if you had a daughter the age of the young man, and she decided to take a male lover who was your age.

If you would be OK with it, then that’s OK.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 14/07/2021 08:46

I don't understand all this 'I have a son/nephew that age' claptrap. I don't use familial relationships as the reference point in these things because if I did I'd be constantly nauseated at the fact that my boyfriend is the same age as my brother (43).

Naunet · 14/07/2021 08:46

@chickenyhead

I'm sorry, if this was a man suggesting this with a young girl, he'd be slaughtered.

What is it you have in common?

You are at different life stages.

Good luck meeting the family

Absolute rubbish. I’ve seen many posts on here about an older man, and as long as both people are over about 21, then people seem ok with it. Plus, let’s not pretend that society as a whole is far more accepting of the man be older than the other way around.
StarlightLady · 14/07/2021 09:08

Maybe this site should be renamed Judgenet.

WheresMySnackPack · 14/07/2021 09:14

Hmm. I mean is he just after a shag from an older woman so he can tick it off his list?

Some men for whatever reason brag about the oldest person they've slept with.

If you know it's just for sex and no feelings attached then go for it. Your life.

Bridezillamaybe · 14/07/2021 10:05

I had a fling with a twenty five year old when I was thirty five. A smaller gap I know but just trying to bring perspective. It was so much fun. We couldn't have merged our lives for a relationship but really really had a good time.

newnortherner111 · 14/07/2021 10:14

Is he a French aspiring politician?

I think as long as both of you have your eyes open as it were, and no-one else is being hurt, nothing wrong.

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 14/07/2021 10:17

@StarlightLady

Maybe this site should be renamed Judgenet.
The OP has asked people’s opinions so it’s hardly unreasonable that people give them. As a parent of 4 kids in their 20s I would find it a bit creepy and a bit odd if a 40 something wanted to sleep with a 23 year old. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s not the age gap it’s the fact the younger partner is, well, young. Obviously young fit guys can be very attractive to look at but to actually want to sleep with them is a weird. If it’s just fun sex you are after then it’s hard to imagine you can’t find a willing guy who is a bit older.
Cloudninenine · 14/07/2021 10:22

I think he’s too young. It’s an insurmountable power imbalance. If he were a few years older that would be ok but he’s barely an adult. I don’t think it would be right.

Ultimatecougar · 14/07/2021 10:39

I think it's false equivalence to compare it to a younger woman, older man senario. Most young women don't want to sleep with older men just for the sex, like the younger man usually does with the older woman. Young women will usually want some emotional connection.

Young men are very capable of fancying an older woman, shagging her and walking away until the next time he fancies a shag. He won't be agonizing over it, he probably just wants sex. She won't be taking advantage of an innocent boy who will fall in love with her. He's in his 20s, not a child.

Just sleep with him OP. He might well disappear afterwards for good or for a time until he's horny again. As long as you're ok with that, go ahead.

Divebar2021 · 14/07/2021 10:55

I think the fact that an individual wouldn’t want their 23 year old dating an older person is irrelevant. Why should what you want as the parent be of any relevance? If they were 17 and bringing the partner into the house then that might be a different matter. My dad never forgave me for cutting my hair but was I supposed to leave it long for the rest of my life because he wanted me to be princessy. Adult children need to make their own decisions and 23 is as much as you may not like it who they shag is of no concern of yours.