To take a much younger lover?

[MadamePalm]

Early 40s. Separated but not yet divorced. Two young DC.

I have absolutely no interest in another serious relationship at the moment. The thought of another man coming in and breaking my heart like ex DH did absolutely horrified me. However I do miss male company (and sex)

I have a young man (basically half my age) showing very strong interest in me. He's gorgeous, sweet, sexy and already ridiculously successful for someone so young. I'm really tempted to throw caution to the wind and have some fun. However all my friends are telling me to find someone closer to my own age. I've dated a few guys in their 40s recently and they've just done nothing for me.

Am I a terrible old perve? Should I just go for it? I feel so conflicted!

Love that people are ‘prudes’ for not wanting to have sex with men young enough to be their sons. Surely it’s just personal preference - why is it ‘prudish’?

And you don’t like ‘fuckbuddy’? What a prude.

He's 23, not only just turned 18, that would be gross but this isn't.

OP go for it, it's only a problem if you aren't both on the same page with what you want.

I'm 33, get told I look a bit younger and I suppose I do, maybe mid late 20s. I'm on tinder and pretty much only date guys in their 20s. Tinder is full of guys in their 20s 😁

I'm not stupid, I know its very unlikely to ever lead anywhere and most of the time I don't even want it to. But I'm actually quite happy being single and just enjoy having a bit of fun, and it's a million times better having fun with a fit 23 yr old who has loads of energy. I love it 😁

He's 23, not only just turned 18, that would be gross but this isn't.

Um, it is gross if people think it’s gross!

I'm 33

So of course you don’t think being with a 23YO is gross?!

I’m late 40s. I reserve the right to think that having sex with a 23 year old man, young enough to be my son, is icky.

The OP, on the other hand, can crack on. Not sure why she asked, TBH.

Go for it! He is clearly into you. You seem to have no delusions it’ll be long term (not to say it can’t be, just that you’d be going into it with a sensible head for fun and not risking being disappointed if it doesn’t lead to more). It’ll be great!

He’s an adult, I wouldn’t think twice about this tbh whatever the genders involved.

People who say you will have nothing in common are being daft, I have stuff in common with people of all ages from teens to OAPs, it’s a pretty depressing and narrow view to suggest you only have things in common with people who are up to 5-10yr older or younger, what about personality? Hobbies? Interests? Political views? Sense of humour?

Not that you need much in common for a fling though

When you say you struggle to find men your own age attractive, do you just mean physically?

If so I find that a bit odd. I am in my late 20s but I could easily write you a long list of men in their early 40s that I find attractive

I don’t think I’d want to go out with a 23 year old now, to be honest, but each to their own!

Well fair enough if you think it's gross @SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy 😂

I've seen people my age say they couldn't fancy a 23 yr old whatever or that it's gross so I don't really get that. If someone is young enough to be your son then yes I get why that would be icky 😂

But there's nothing inherently wrong with a 23 yr old and someone in their 40s. If both parties are clear about what they want. OP should definitely just crack on

I think it’s creepy.

If you was a bloke seeking validation to shag a 21 year old women, you’d be shamed off the internet.

Double standards.

Greasy

@Howcanthisbe123

I think it’s creepy.

If you was a bloke seeking validation to shag a 21 year old women, you’d be shamed off the internet.

Double standards.

🙄

However all my friends are telling me to find someone closer to my own age.

All of them?!
Then you have some very controlling & possessive friends.
Who the fuck do they think they are, telling you who you are allowed to shag, & setting limits on what you do with your own body?

I would imagine a big age difference will be exactly what you need in order to keep some emotional distance - considering that all you are after is some fun & bodily company.

Stop discussing your sex life, or proposed sex life, with your friends.
They are not going to be in bed with you, so they can keep their beaks out. Nosy judgemental twats!

"Take a lover" is a great phrase.

Ya jealous bitches

However all my friends are telling me to find someone closer to my own age

Sorry you have such crap friends OP. You don't have one single friend who recognises that as an adult you can do what you like with another adult and says go for it if it makes you happy?

[quote MadamePalm]@Macncheeseballs Because I genuinely struggle to find men my own age attractive and worry there's something wrong with me because of it [/quote]
Again - perhaps this is an unconscious barrier, because you simply don't want to fall into the "suitable man for a LTR" territory.

And there's nothing wrong with you.
You just fancy this young man, & he fancies you.
Set some boundaries, keep to them, & go for it - have fun :)

@ForeverFloating

You’re unlikely to find anything in common long term with a 23 year old. I’m only 34 and wouldn’t even consider dating someone so young. Seems like a recipe for heartache to me

FFS. Did you not read the OP?

They have plenty in common - they desire each other, & want some mutually beneficial fun, company & sex.

Where is this recipe, or heartache you speak of?

Go for it OP! You're both consenting adults so there's nothing wrong with it. Have fun!

For those saying they don't see them having anything in common, I'm 32, my DH is 50 and we have loads in common...people tend to meet through common interests (hence being I the same place at the same time). We met through our love for musical theatre.

Go for it I say, as long as you both want similar.

@chickenyhead

I'm sorry, if this was a man suggesting this with a young girl, he'd be slaughtered.

What is it you have in common?

You are at different life stages.

Good luck meeting the family

23 years old is not a "girl". 23 years old is not a "boy". Especially not this one, who is smart, successful, & self-reliant.

& what's with your judgemental crowing "good luck meeting the family"?

Why TF would OP be meeting his family?
I don't think you understand how respectful, sex-&-company-only relationships function.

Life stages are irrelevant, as they are not looking to share lives.
Other family members are irrelevant, as they are looking to shag each other, not their relatives.

Go for it OP. Who cares what others think, it what you want that matters.

I have never really fancied men my own age or those who are older than me, so have mostly dated younger men. This one sounds like he's got his head screwed on given he's successful and owns his business, so you can be assured that he's not looking for financial support from you.

Not all younger men fetishise older women. Some just relish the fact older women are more confident and secure in themselves.

@DrWankincense

The rule is half your age plus seven. And I think that works well in general. In early 40s I could just about see 27, 28 year old. But 23? It's a no for me, a bit of a step too far, sorry.

Nothing like a bit of arbitrary rule-obeying & society-wide finger wagging to get the motors running is there? Phwoar! (Not.)

Some of the responses here are so ridiculous.
Two consenting adults, what's the problem?

Dr Wankincence, I am in awe at your name.
But wtf is the relevance to OP that you would not shag her proposed paramour? As far as we know, you haven't been asked to!

@WeatheringStorms22

He's a gorgeous, Well off young guy

So why isn't this gorgeous successful 23 year old finding a gorgeous, free, 23 year old for his fling?

Seriously, dig a little deeper op.

Seriously, don't.

OP doesn't want anything deep, so why would she 'dig deeper'?

The guy is probably more focused on his business, at this time in his life, than he is in establishing a LTR.

And your assumption that a 40-something woman is somehow 'lesser' fling material than a 23 year old is highly insulting to the OP, & a specimen sample of ageist misogyny.

I used to work with two very good looking guys in their twenties. You'd be surprised what younger men actually find attractive if they're being honest. They couldn't really care less about the 20 year olds with their huge eyelashes who were constantly on their phone. It was the mums on the school run, in their yoga gear, looking a bit harassed, the ones in their work uniform who had just finished a 10 hour shift, the older ladies who worked in the local estate agents. Beauty isn't confined to an age bracket.
One of them left his university aged girlfriend for an older woman who had two kids and was recently divorced. They're literally the happiest couple I have ever met. He was 25 and she was ten years older. The heart wants what it wants!

@SmileyClare

Well it sounds like you've made your mind up already Op. I'm not sure why you keep mentioning his successful business and him being "well off" though. You just want him for a sex buddy right?

Taking a younger lover is such an odd old fashioned term though. Like something out of a Mills and Boon novel

Because for many people, fancying someone starts with their character, & OP admires his drive & success?

And there doesn't have to be a "just" about wanting a sex buddy. That has an implication of non-choosiness that I don't think exists for the OP.
It's possible to want a fling without losing all powers of discrimination.

With you on the Mills & Boon comment tho' ... it's a bit cringeworthy ... especially the "taking" part ...

@MadamePalm

So if he's too young then where the fuck do I find a man my own age who isn't either bitter, a commitment phone, tight with money, or just obsessed with talking about themselves? Because I'm seriously struggling when I date men in their 40s.

Maybe it's true that all the good ones are taken by then?

Get off the 'net & go & shag the man FFS.

Nobody here is going to be in bed with you, don't let 'em into your head either.

@SomeKindOfFloppyWeirdo

Take him? Where? You’re low on gas and he’ll need a jacket!

I say no, purely because people your age will know where that quote comes from, and people his age won’t. I’m not sure that’s something I could overcome

Funnily enough, my much-younger fling did WAY better on cultural references from my era, than I did on his.

OP, if this is any help to you - he was 30, & was 51.
We had a pretty-much perfect 18 month relationship.

We'd been acquaintances through a larger friendship group. He eventually confessed he'd been holding a candle for me for years, he was also smart, not work-shy, veeeeery attractive, funny, kind & honest.

We were careful of each other's feelings, & he was exceptionally patient while I summoned up the courage to embark on our fling. We discussed the importance of maintaining the friendship above the fucking, to respect each other & the wider group by not falling out with each other, & to never, never, take the idiotic step of falling in love.

I finished it 18 months in, because I didn't want to live with him, but he had not yet had that live-together experience. I wanted him to be able to have that, rather than slide inexorably into suddenly being a 40-year old carer propping up a 61-year old (with a 50% chance of a life-altering disease. NOT something I'd want to inflict on a human I care about).

We're still friends.
He has a younger (than him! by about 8 years?) live-in g/f now, & I'm happy for him.

It took some guts to finish it, but it was the right thing to do.
Just make sure you protect yourself emotionally OP, & him, & ensure he's on the same page.

Quite a few jealous and judgmental responses here.

OP just go for it. He is an adult and you are an adult. As someone also in early 40s I can confirm that younger men do indeed fancy older women and it can be great.

Also there is nothing wrong with you for usually liking younger guys. If it was for older guys no one would care.

Take opportunities. Live your life and have a whale of a time.