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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take a much younger lover?

241 replies

MadamePalm · 12/07/2021 20:38

Early 40s. Separated but not yet divorced. Two young DC.

I have absolutely no interest in another serious relationship at the moment. The thought of another man coming in and breaking my heart like ex DH did absolutely horrified me. However I do miss male company (and sex)

I have a young man (basically half my age) showing very strong interest in me. He's gorgeous, sweet, sexy and already ridiculously successful for someone so young. I'm really tempted to throw caution to the wind and have some fun. However all my friends are telling me to find someone closer to my own age. I've dated a few guys in their 40s recently and they've just done nothing for me.

Am I a terrible old perve? Should I just go for it? I feel so conflicted!

OP posts:
CrouchEndTiger12 · 13/07/2021 06:40

Let's all remember to use words and phrases that don't annoy @MartyHart shall we Grin😄

Ludoole · 13/07/2021 06:41

I was 18 when I started seeing my kids dad and he was 35. We lasted 14 years. You're both consenting adults and if you are both interested go for it.

My current partner is 13 years older than me and it just works really well.

MartyHart · 13/07/2021 06:45

@CrouchEndTiger12
Yeah I'd appreciate that.

Divebar2021 · 13/07/2021 06:56

People are so weird about this. Because we have a culture that sees older women as having less value than younger women we can’t understand that a younger man would be interested in us without it being a fetish or a bet. ( if it is a fetish it’s not a particularly onerous one for you). Loads of men in their 20s are interested in older women - primarily I guess because they’re likely to be more confident in bed. A male friend of mine met an older woman when he was 21 and has been pretty keen on them ever since… (he’s a 35 year old Corporate lawyer now.) Forget this rule about half your age plus 7….. THERE IS NO RULE.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 13/07/2021 07:11

Go for it OP

Please report back that you are having loads of wild brilliant sex 😃

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 13/07/2021 07:24

@Divebar2021

People are so weird about this. Because we have a culture that sees older women as having less value than younger women we can’t understand that a younger man would be interested in us without it being a fetish or a bet. ( if it is a fetish it’s not a particularly onerous one for you). Loads of men in their 20s are interested in older women - primarily I guess because they’re likely to be more confident in bed. A male friend of mine met an older woman when he was 21 and has been pretty keen on them ever since… (he’s a 35 year old Corporate lawyer now.) Forget this rule about half your age plus 7….. THERE IS NO RULE.
Although the phrase 'take a lover' has irritated me more than reason, I think there's a lot of truth in your post and the OP should probably give a whirl with the horny wunderkind.
LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 13/07/2021 07:27

I also think it's perfectly possible the OP looks young for her years. I myself am 40, and am very plain and not the least bit in shape, but I do look early thirties which I suppose is something.

Macncheeseballs · 13/07/2021 07:29

I'm not sure why being 'more confident' in bed necessarily makes you a better 'lover', some of my best sexual partners (if that phrase is acceptable), have not been the most experienced but the sex was amazing

Bagelsandbrie · 13/07/2021 07:31

Go for it. People get so funny about ages. Some people do just fancy younger people - as long as they’re adults (obviously!) it really doesn’t matter, all kinds of relationships work! I am in my 40s and my dh (been together 12 years now) is quite a bit younger than me. There is no way I’d ever fancy anyone older than me. Ever. Just not my thing at all! But we’re all different and plenty of people do like older people - just the same as the reverse!

Divebar2021 · 13/07/2021 07:32

Ok. More confident in bed AND better lovers.

Bagelsandbrie · 13/07/2021 07:35

@Divebar2021

People are so weird about this. Because we have a culture that sees older women as having less value than younger women we can’t understand that a younger man would be interested in us without it being a fetish or a bet. ( if it is a fetish it’s not a particularly onerous one for you). Loads of men in their 20s are interested in older women - primarily I guess because they’re likely to be more confident in bed. A male friend of mine met an older woman when he was 21 and has been pretty keen on them ever since… (he’s a 35 year old Corporate lawyer now.) Forget this rule about half your age plus 7….. THERE IS NO RULE.
Yep. This.
Inthesameboatatmo · 13/07/2021 07:36

Go for it ,it doesn't matter what anyone thinks.
Since my 20 year marriage ended I've become quite the hussy lol
Life is to short, enjoy it.

LostThings · 13/07/2021 07:36

You lucky thing! Go for it and enjoy yourself. Life is short.

StarlightLady · 13/07/2021 07:37

OP, similar age. I would go for it!

It’s important not to let emotions rule your head though or ruin your head come to that. I’m going to get shot down in flames for this, but l would suggest 2 separate friendships, one with him and one with another.

Isitsixoclockalready · 13/07/2021 07:37

Is it different for an older woman and a younger man? I've often read that an older man and much younger woman is seedy. Different rules or different dynamic?

stellaisabella · 13/07/2021 07:43

How old are your dc?
How old are you specifically?
And please never use the phrase "taking a lover" - the most cringeworthy thing of all time.

wedswench · 13/07/2021 07:44

I don't understand all the "but when he was 3 she was 23!" Business. They're not that age now so what's the significance?

When I got divorced I was surprised by the number of very young guys who showed an interest Amd I do think a lot of the tome it's a fetish mummy issues thing but it was a lot of fun and didn't hurt anyone

BIoodyStupidJohnson · 13/07/2021 07:47

If it’s about physical attraction, and not a relationship thing, why does it matter how materially successful he is? Genuine question.

Otherwise, if you’re both consenting and going into it with your eyes open, why not. There’s two rules for stuff like this:

  • Don’t get hurt
  • Don’t hurt him
Whyareyouallcallingmemum · 13/07/2021 07:51

Well I'm 51 my fella is 34...so that's 17yrs.

If I was 40 and the guy was 23 ....I don't really know. Maybe yeah...but I'd keep it on the sly before introducing him to anyone.

SinkGirl · 13/07/2021 07:51

@SomeKindOfFloppyWeirdo

Take him? Where? You’re low on gas and he’ll need a jacket!

I say no, purely because people your age will know where that quote comes from, and people his age won’t. I’m not sure that’s something I could overcome Grin

Perhaps the OP is just extremely foxy. Or Hornée?
Ultimatecougar · 13/07/2021 08:10

I would. Ive had a lover 20 years younger than me. It was great (although he's 30, maybe that's more acceptable than 23 to the prudes on here)

One thing though - it's unlikely he will want a relationship. He is probably targeting you because he assumes you won't either and girls his own age tend to want a bit more commitment.

He may well lose interest after sex and not want a repeat performance once he's ticked "sex with a MILF" off his bucket list. People likening it to a younger woman/older man are missing the point that young men are very pragmatic about sex and unlikely to become emotionally involved. Its the OP who is more likely to get hurt in this scenario.

As long as you can keep your emotions separate and don't expect more than sex, go ahead, have fun.

Oh and taking a lover sounds loads better than fuckbuddy, which is a gross saying.

PandemicPalava · 13/07/2021 08:15

A relationship may be problematic but a bit of fun? Why not?! Go for it

StarlightLady · 13/07/2021 08:22

We all know the issues involved here. I don’t think the OP was seeking advice on her choice of language. Taking a lover sounds fine to me too!

HJ91 · 13/07/2021 08:25

Go for it! You’re both consenting adults and it sounds like you’re happy to have something causal with him, so even if that’s what he want - don’t see what the issue is.

I think that people often cringe when they see a much older man with a woman half his age because there’s often a power dynamic there (and it seems so bloody common). Not sure it’s quite the same in reverse, but then again, I have no experience of this.

Lalliella · 13/07/2021 08:31

Go for it! Fill your boots OP! Life’s too short to worry about what people think about you. Life’s for living! Then come back and tell us all about him.