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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely fucking sick of this life

247 replies

cricketmum84 · 12/07/2021 16:01

I have two DC. One aged 16 and one 12.

I have been disabled and unable to walk since Christmas. It's a long term health condition that I found out a few days ago that I'm not going to recover from.

The DC will do NOTHING. literally nothing.

DH is out of the house for work from 7.45am until 6pm Monday to Friday then is having to do all cleaning, cooking. Washing, ironing etc on top of his full time job as I'm not able to do it.

It actually cost me £20 in bribes last week just to get the kids to clean the cat trays and vacuum.

What the fuck do I do? I'm tempted to get a cleaner and pay them with their pocket money until they buck their ideas up.

I'm just totally beaten down.

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

OP posts:
TheGumption · 12/07/2021 16:07

Disability comparison won't help anyone.
Are you entitled to PIP or anything that could maybe help you afford some help?
Yes at that age they should be helping but just in the short term to ease stress it might be good.

mbosnz · 12/07/2021 16:10

I reckon using the pocket money for a cleaner is a bloody good idea, particularly if that's his attitude.

Seesawmummadaw · 12/07/2021 16:13

Why are they getting pocket money?

‘The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic’

That’s awful but also why is it a competition? Is your 16 year old autistic?

Original poster
cricketmum84 · 12/07/2021 16:15

@TheGumption

Disability comparison won't help anyone. Are you entitled to PIP or anything that could maybe help you afford some help? Yes at that age they should be helping but just in the short term to ease stress it might be good.
I've got a PIP application going through the system at the moment. Keeping everything crossed that I get something!
OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 12/07/2021 16:15

No pocket money, no wifi, and sandwiches & cereal until they can behave like humans. And Id be asking the 16 year old where they are planning on living next year when they finish school as they wont be staying with me if thats how they behave.

PositiveLife · 12/07/2021 16:16

Yes, use the pocket money for a cleaner. If he complains then he either cleans or gets a job.

korawick12345 · 12/07/2021 16:17

Sounds like you have really unpleasant children.

Wilkolampshade · 12/07/2021 16:17

Great idea to use their pocket money OP, but you do all sound a bit miserable atm. Sorry you're having a shitty time. Flowers

Iggly · 12/07/2021 16:17

Pocket money in return for chores. That’s it. Everything they have to earn.

Do they appreciate the gravity of the situation?

Original poster
cricketmum84 · 12/07/2021 16:18

@Seesawmummadaw

Why are they getting pocket money?

‘The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic’

That’s awful but also why is it a competition? Is your 16 year old autistic?

Yes she is. I know it's not a competition but I was just so wound up because I've had to fight so hard to get anything done today.

I came off my mobility scooter on Saturday and have injured my arm so I've struggled to even do the things I can usually do.
My poor cats are starving and I can't get the lid of their food because of my hand/arm injury.

I've asked and asked her repeatedly to put some food down for them and she has had a huge rant at me about how autism makes her forgetful.

I know I shouldn't have but I did shout back about how hard it is to be unable to do so many things because of my physical disability.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 12/07/2021 16:20

YANBU to be sick of this situation but looking to the DC to take on the cleaning clearly isn’t working.

Definitely apply for PIP if you haven’t already done so and use the money to buy in help, easy meals and equipment to assist you.

Have you joined any support groups for people with your condition? That can be fantastic for feeling heard and supported by people who get it.

Maybe hold a family meeting to discuss how much contribution to the household is reasonable to expect and functioning as a team rather than always fighting. Look into some counselling for yourself to find ways to feel better about life and have a rant.

Finally you must put in nice stuff for yourself. Whatever makes you feel more ‘you’. I promise it helps ( I have a long term and painful condition so I do get it).

Best wishes, I hope things improve for you.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 12/07/2021 16:20

The 16 year old can fend for themselves. No pocket money, no laundry done, no ironing, no meals cooked.

Serious!

They'll soon learn just how useless their poor mum is when they have to do everything you do themselves.

They can't be arsed to do it then they'll learn when they have no clean clothes to wear.

Use their pocket money to put towards a cleaner

SingToTheSky · 12/07/2021 16:21

Oh cricket :( I’m so sorry you’ve had crap news on your health condition.

I absolutely think paying a cleaner with their pocket money is a brilliant idea. Why the fuck should they get that privilege if they won’t even pick up after themselves? I would honestly do this - and make it very clear why. Agree with DH a time to do this for no matter what (x weeks/months) and ONLY at the end will you decide whether their behaviour has improved enough to earn some or all of it back.

harknesswitch · 12/07/2021 16:22

No pocket money until they help out. As you said, use the pocket money to pay someone to pop round each day for an hour to so odd jobs (such as feed the cats) and help clean up a bit.

Orf1abc · 12/07/2021 16:24

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

You were completely out of order. You need to apologise.

You're frustrated because disability is new to you and you're learning to adapt, your child has been disabled their whole life. Think about how you can support and learn from each other.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 12/07/2021 16:25

Wow , pocket money at 16. Seriously? Do kids still have Saturday jobs?

SingToTheSky · 12/07/2021 16:28

I agree about not generally comparing disabilities (I say that as someone with physical conditions as well as being autistic/adhd) but I honestly don’t blame you for snapping about it under the circumstances.

Awful language from your DC. :(

Is this (the laziness and the vile way they speak to you) new? Is it a reaction due to them being scared, angry about the big change etc and worrying about their mum? Are they being vile because they don’t want to admit how upset they are?

Not that I have any advice on how to deal with it either way :(

However I do think that stopping the pocket money is a good idea as even if they’re scared they need to realise that refusing to help isn’t ok.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 12/07/2021 16:28

@Thevoiceofreason2021

Wow , pocket money at 16. Seriously? Do kids still have Saturday jobs?
You know a pandemic is happening right? Where were they going to work on Saturdays over most of the last 16 months?
Atalune · 12/07/2021 16:28

Would your Dd respond to some kind of system:chart to help her keep on track on wha needs doing when?

Mondays
Am- cat food, empty dishwasher, make packed lunch
Pm- load washing machine, clean down kitchen sides.

And so on for each day..?

Whaleandsnail6 · 12/07/2021 16:28

I completely agree that you should stop all extra money for the kids and pay for a cleaner. The teens need to stop being so selfish and entitled and start actually helping.

I'd devise a list of age appropriate chores that they will be expected to do.

they are a part of the family household and should pull their weight. Then, if they stuck to that and started being more respectful, I'd consider giving pocket money again.

EileenGC · 12/07/2021 16:29

Have they never cleaned before?

I agree with no pocket money and no wifi until they’re showing to be competent, helpful members of the family. Don’t pay for their data or anything either. At 12 and 16 they should have equal responsibilities to their dad when it comes to keeping the home tidy and clean. They’re not 3 anymore.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/07/2021 16:30

I'd stop the pocket money and spend that on a cleaner.

My Mum's disabled, I did grow up with her being disabled so it wasn't a new thing for me but I had to do adult things and looking after the home from the age of 8 when my parents split.

My point is that your children are old enough to be helping, especially the 16 year old.

0None0 · 12/07/2021 16:31

This reply has been deleted

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Googlewasmyidea1 · 12/07/2021 16:32

@Orf1abc

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

You were completely out of order. You need to apologise.

You're frustrated because disability is new to you and you're learning to adapt, your child has been disabled their whole life. Think about how you can support and learn from each other.

I don't think it's OP who needs to apologise
pigglepot · 12/07/2021 16:32

It does sound like a very frustrating situation but your behaviour to your child is appalling. You need to apologise for saying that to him and explain you said it out of anger and frustration. I'm not sure it's even possible to choose which of the two conditions is "worse" but I do think living with an illness your entire life that affects your ability to empathise, communicate and respond to other people is bloody hard work.

Think if it from your children's point of view. Their once fully able bodied mother has suddenly become disabled at a time when they are both developing and finding their feet. Hormones are everywhere and they hadn't ever expected to have to step in as a carer for their mother or suddenly start doing chores in the house that they never had to do. Added to this their dad is out all the time at work. Selfish yes but also understandable