To be absolutely fucking sick of this life

[cricketmum84]

I have two DC. One aged 16 and one 12.

I have been disabled and unable to walk since Christmas. It's a long term health condition that I found out a few days ago that I'm not going to recover from.

The DC will do NOTHING. literally nothing.

DH is out of the house for work from 7.45am until 6pm Monday to Friday then is having to do all cleaning, cooking. Washing, ironing etc on top of his full time job as I'm not able to do it.

It actually cost me £20 in bribes last week just to get the kids to clean the cat trays and vacuum.

What the fuck do I do? I'm tempted to get a cleaner and pay them with their pocket money until they buck their ideas up.

I'm just totally beaten down.

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

OP why did she break the door?! I would not stand for that. I would straight away take away all privileges.

Basically I starve. Sometimes I can manage with a perching stool to prepare some toast and sometimes he has enough time to prep me a sandwich before he sets off.

This is fucking ridiculous. Both the 16 and 12 yr old should be capable of basic chores, hoovering, making lunch, feeding the cats.
Autism or no, they both need a proverbial kick in the butt.
Life has changed completely for your entire family and the entire family are going to have to change with to work with this. They are not babies, they can't expect things to be handed to them anymore.

@One2late she lost her temper with me again, slammed it and broke the handle.

I'm so sorry, that is such a stresful situation and you must feel devatasted by the bad news as well as shattered with all the work. I can really understand you snapping. But being unpleasant is how many children react when they are anxious. It is normal. So it's probab;ly not gpoing to help in the long run if you snap or threaten your children because they will only get more anxious and more unpleasant and this could go into a downward spiral. The strategy needs a rethink.

One thing to hang on to: this is a shit situation for all of you. The kids don't want you to be ill. They are angry with the universe, but you are (a huge part of) their universe so they are taking it out on you. Which sucks.

And - I hesitate to suggest this as it's probably the last thing on earth you feel like doing but... is there any way you can go crazy on the positive parenting while getting them to do what you want? So first talk to them and tell them that you are all in a tough situation and it's very upsetting and it's not what you want, you would rather they were having fun. And - the kicker - tell them they are stars and you will all pull together as a family and with their help you will all get through. Let them process that a bit.

Then regular jobs assigned to each child and written on a chart they can tick off which is way better than nagging. Keep up the praise and encouragement and never a dark word. Pretend you are Mary Poppins on overdrive. (I know, it sucks!) Every little thing they do that's even half OK, every time they try, however big a mess they make of it, they get praise and thanks. No notpicking, no criticism, no "it would be better if". Tons of well done, thank you, that is so helpful, I am so pleased, all in a warm voice. Yes, fake it to fuck if you have to. A bit of descriptive commenting "oh you scooped the tray, fantastic, it smells a lot better now, and you wiped the scoop clean for next time" and either ignore the litter split on the floor (if it's clean) or (if you think it wont cause a row) "can you just get me the broom and let's tidy this bit here as well". That can really work - it wont get the job done perfectly this time but they're more likely to try again and even to do it better next time.

It's not such a bad idea to pay them either, don't overpay though. Split the money wisely between jobs and don't let them inflate the price. One trick a friend of mine did was a bonus for doing a job with no moaning, depends a bit on your kids though as it might not work with a demand avoidant child who needs to vent feelings verbally.

And I really you hope you get PIP and can afford some proper help! That will help you directly and it'll make life easier for all of you.

@cricketmum84

I have two DC. One aged 16 and one 12.

I have been disabled and unable to walk since Christmas. It's a long term health condition that I found out a few days ago that I'm not going to recover from.

The DC will do NOTHING. literally nothing.

DH is out of the house for work from 7.45am until 6pm Monday to Friday then is having to do all cleaning, cooking. Washing, ironing etc on top of his full time job as I'm not able to do it.

It actually cost me £20 in bribes last week just to get the kids to clean the cat trays and vacuum.

What the fuck do I do? I'm tempted to get a cleaner and pay them with their pocket money until they buck their ideas up.

I'm just totally beaten down.

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

I was with you until the last paragraph

[quote cricketmum84]@One2late she lost her temper with me again, slammed it and broke the handle. [/quote]
Would you do side having a family meeting and speaking to your husband and maybe arranging for her to make her own way? This is absolutely crazy. I feel annoyed for you. I really do. I'm sorry. I would really consider asking her what she wants. If she wants family by your rules if not then leave.

Do you have a wheelchair to get about? Maybe a cleaner is a good idea to take the pressure off. Teenagers don't ever do much in the way of chores, hardly worth the fight

I'm sorry I have a hundred typos.

If you are in England, I think school holidays start in a few weeks? So they both need lists of age appropriate chores for school time and school holidays.

Your 16 yr old maybe struggling with what is a massive change in all your lives - and it's truly shit - but she is 16 and her behavior is not acceptable. Does she get any additional supports or is there any form of counselling available to her to help her process the changes?

Autism is NOT an excuse for rudeness, laziness, shouting at you, letting the cats starve. So, no pocket money, let her feed herself. If she is such a big grown up, let her deal with her own life. Jesus wept, the people making excuses for disgusting behaviour on here. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this situation, and your poor DH too. Work together, do not cut the kids any slack, no help = no pocket money, no lifts, no wifi. Change the wifi code, and they can earn access per hour, by working for it.

I'm also intrigued how you manage to dress/feed yourself if you can't empty cat trays. Have you applied for PIP?

I have an autistic DD. She doesn't have an attitude problem re helping but she does find it hard to remember to do something she has said she will do. (I think she genuinely forgets about it.) We have come up with little helps such as setting an alarm on her phone for when something needs to be done. A chart in a prominent place might also help but a phone alarm works best for my DD,

All people with autism are different but I don't think that autism in itself stops someone from being able to do things in the house to help. I think it is a case of finding things that they can realistically do, getting agreement that they will do them, and then finding ways to make sure they do actually do them.

Sounds like you are having a hard time. Autistic or not, your children need to learn how to help or they will have problems throughout their lives, so you are doing them as well as yourself a favour in getting to grips with this ASAP.

My 17 year old is similar to your 16 year old, though she would never tell me to fuck off and die, she is lazy and forgetful though, she is also autistic but she will feed the cat (as she loves the cat more than people), she probably wouldn’t want to clean a litter tray or hoover.

If you can afford a cleaner than I would, even if it is using their pocket money or DLA/PIP money.

I was with you until the last paragraph

Did you really feel the need to say that @Dontdripme? The OP is at the end of ther tether.

@Dontdripme Is it really necessary to have a go at her? It’s not the nicest comment in the world, no, but her children are being objectively terrible and autism doesn’t change that. If you think people don’t ever use diagnoses, neurodiversity, etc, as an excuse for being unpleasant, then you haven’t spent much time around the chronic-illness-and-mental-health parts of the internet.

By the by, there is a substantial pro-neurodiversity movement arguing against the idea of seeing autism as a disability at all. It’s certainly not a simple issue, and many autistic people won’t thank you - or the others in this thread who’ve pushed the idea that Autism Must Be The Worst Thing Ever - for the stance you’re taking. OP doesn’t have to be perfect. Mothers sometimes say insensitive things! Most disabled people do actually compare disabilities sometimes, even though we are not ‘supposed’ to.

OP is literally barely getting nutrition. Give her a break.

Sorry, not RTFT, just the OP's posts.

Have you flagged with the children's school that they have become young carers? They should be able to put some support in to help them process their situation and cope with their new responsibilities. There are Young Carers' groups they could attend to access support.

Honestly a few of you previous posters have gone postal! It's not good at all what was said but wouldn't YOU be frustrated if you had two children who left you and the pets in the family to starve? The OP is dealing with a new prognosis and is grieving. Nobody should be downplaying autism or whatever disability this woman has but can't you all put your defensiveness away and sympathize?

No pocket money, no wifi, and sandwiches & cereal until they can behave like humans. And Id be asking the 16 year old where they are planning on living next year when they finish school as they wont be staying with me if thats how they behave.

This. And as for the 16 year old, she doesn't need an apology, she needs a slap! Who the fuck does she think she is?

I know it is an asjustment for everyone and my own two are useless in lots of ways but I am particularly shocked that they would see you go hungry. I mean do they prepare their own meals and snacks and just refuse to do so for you???? The mind boggles

OP, I am disabled too and have found "Scope Online" to be brilliant.
Chat, empathy, understanding, people in the same position, advice with PIP, advice with autistic children, make new friends.

Do try it, they're very welcoming

Contact your local council and get them to do an assessment for some support for you in the short term.

Sorry to hear your health update cricketmum. We spoke about medication on a thread last week.

Your situation sounds very stressful. I also have a 16 year old. She does offer to help me so I’m lucky in that respect but sometimes if I ask her to do something directly, she’ll huff and puff a bit. It’s got to be something she’s offered to do if you know what I mean.

I did show her and my 14 dd how to clean their bathroom and now they take it in turns to do it.

Could you write a list and get them to choose a few chores from it.

I really advise against showdowns, ultimatums etc. Your children ARE being unhelpful but recognise the deeper issues and play the long game.
Talk to them with your DH and try to get routines going. Praise extravagantly when they do help and dole out affection with gay abandon.
It is very hard, especially when they are being foul (and I am not suggesting you have to be supine in the face of nastiness) but it will only get better if you adults lead the children where you want to go.

I was looking after my Mum from a really young age thanks to dad buggering ooff leaving a sick wife, and I have my own disabilities, but never would I have spoken to my poor mum like that.

However, its been a bloody tough year, and while I sympathise massively for all the kids atm, you need to be tough on them. Have your daughter make a rota of which jobs need doing and say 'Ok, you forget things, so check the list, and we'll get things done together.'
If they start being rude, tell them that sadly you have this problem where rudeness makes you forget to dish out any pocket money!

I'm betting they never forget to ask for their cash.

Don't roll over on this, they need tough love, teens actually thrive on it, they act like they hate it, but rules in the home seem to help people keep calm and feel better about things. Hope things get better for you x

And as for the 16 year old, she doesn't need an apology, she needs a slap!

Yeah, great advice. Physically abusing an autistic child, or any child come to that? Worst advice ever!!!!!!!!