To be absolutely fucking sick of this life

[cricketmum84]

I have two DC. One aged 16 and one 12.

I have been disabled and unable to walk since Christmas. It's a long term health condition that I found out a few days ago that I'm not going to recover from.

The DC will do NOTHING. literally nothing.

DH is out of the house for work from 7.45am until 6pm Monday to Friday then is having to do all cleaning, cooking. Washing, ironing etc on top of his full time job as I'm not able to do it.

It actually cost me £20 in bribes last week just to get the kids to clean the cat trays and vacuum.

What the fuck do I do? I'm tempted to get a cleaner and pay them with their pocket money until they buck their ideas up.

I'm just totally beaten down.

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

If you're unsafe in the home, OP, call the police, please.

@BadNomad That was uncalled for! A sixteen year old and a 12-year old asked to make a lunch and vacuum is "mini housewives and caters?" So the OP should show compassion but not her own children?

Yes, that's what young carers are. Young people who take on the tasks their parents can't anymore because of illness or disability.

You need an occupational therapist if you don’t already have one

@cricketmum84 did they ever hover, feed the cat or tidy before your disability? If not then of course there’s kick back. Does your oldest need more support outside the home because it sounds like she isn’t coping with all the new changes? Why does the housework need to be split 3ways now that the OP can’t do it when it wasn’t split 4ways when she could?

What is your disability x

@ShitPoetryClub

Does she have a demand avoidance component to her autism because what seems like uncooperative to you can seem to her like a complete attack towards her. It was explained to me as this "you ask them to wash up" they hear "wash up, do it now, do it perfectly, now, now, now" and it triggers exactly the same adrenaline rush as a panic attack. Or they start to catastrophise, "the cats going to die and its all my fault" and just freeze with fear. In some cases it's better to use non verbal communication if you can, like a chart in the kitchen that she can just tick her jobs off on or even PECS symbols. Could you ask her which method would work best? How is she at school? What methods of communication work best there? I really feel for you op. Hope you get sorted with the PIP and can afford some help.

This is sensible advice.

A parent’s new long term disability is a huge change for a NT teen, let alone an autistic one. She is very likely struggling with the changes, routines being completely upended, having to do things she doesn’t know how to do and hasn’t been expected to do before. Working with her to try to work these tasks into a daily routine may be helpful. It may seem daft for a child of 16, but having each task written down and broken down into steps (micro tasks) might help it feel less daunting. I have ADHD and still have to do this when I feel overwhelmed by housework chores and I recognise that state of panic. I was always criticised for doing things wrong at home even when I tried. Until I had an ADHD dx and therapy as an adult, nobody helped with strategies to make it less daunting - my mum, who won’t believe for a second that I have ADHD, thinks it’s batshit that I have lists all over my fridge for the different steps I have to go through to do household tasks that are second nature to her. Her view was, at the time, that I was 15/16/17 and shouldn’t need any support. But neurodiverse teens often do need much more scaffolding than others when it comes to things that neurotypicals think should be simple. For us, they aren’t.

You can’t do the tasks, but you can support her in learning how to do them and frame it as learning life skills that will help her in future if she knows how to manage them in a way that works for her.

I hope you’re able to apologise to each other for things getting heated and find a way forward and I’m sorry about your health condition, it really does sound tough for you.

If your dd is this abusive ring ss and say you can't cope with her anymore. They do have care homes for children / adults with severe autism.

I am in a very similar situation to you. A sudden loss of mobility for me. I struggle with a stick or crutches in the house and a wheelchair outside. This change is permanent for me too, if you want to PM me, I am happy to listen/talk if that would help you.

My children who range from 8yo to 15yo, have struggled in different ways to accept the changes in the household. However, none of my children are autistic, so my solutions might not work for you.

Pocket money is not linked to chores. It is given so they can learn the value of money and how to spend or save.

Each child has family jobs, which they do because they are members of our family. Everyone including parents do family jobs. We repeat this consistently. The family jobs are not done ‘for DH and I’ but for 'the family'.

In our house. Pre my illness
Tidy rooms, put dirty clothes in wash, put away clothes that I wash/dry, clear their plates from the table, scrape plates and stack. Older three make their own packed lunches, youngest has school dinner. Strip their beds. Older two make their beds. Youngest two and me make their bed and mine together. All kids can make simple meals. Youngest (8yo) can only make simple cold salad meals from the fridge and sandwiches, middle kids make scrambled eggs, toasties, noodles etc. Oldest can make spag bol, pizza from scratch (15yo high school home eco classes are great) Often the kids cook for each other.

TBH Tidying their rooms is not adhered to by the youngest two yet, so we are working on it.

Extra jobs Since my illness
Refill my water bottles, bring my handbag to me, make me lunch if they are home, help me on/off with my shoes and bra, put things on/off charge, go to the local shop for bread crisps etc, bring sticks to me, pick up things off the floor when I drop them (this happens a lot), answer the door for me. (Give me a hug when I get sad.) Hoover downstairs weekly, Empty recycling kitchen bins weekly. Carry bags upstairs and downstairs including laundry bags. Put things in/out dryer. Youngest two make their own beds and oldest/DH does mine/ours.

Your situation
In your situation I would first have a sit down and a hug with each child, talk about what has happened in your family and how do they feel about things, so you can give them reassurance and understanding of how they see things and how things will be in the future. I found my youngest two needed things explaining several times, the very youngest still hasn’t accepted that things will not change for me, sigh. Just loads of talking and their feelings.

Separately I would work on consistency and attitude. They should be doing basic jobs around the house as family jobs for the family (not for you or DH) Including fixing their own lunches and feeding the cats, tidying the house.

Give them a short age-appropriate list for 'family jobs' and go over it with them every morning, until they check their list automatically. Keep repeating that everyone has 'family jobs' and we all do them as we are all part of the family.

This just leaves your personal 'mum jobs'. Another short list of 'mum jobs' that they do for you because they love you, that you are their mother and that you need this extra help.

Both of your children are old enough to prep simple food for you. Give them a 'lunch rota', so they know that older child A makes your lunch Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Child B does Tuesday and Thursday. Set the menu the same every week, so each child knows in advance what they are making.

Knowing when and what they are doing would take a lot of the stress and decision-making elements out of the situation.

I really hope things settle for you and I know how hard it is to parent children when you are in pain and tired. Be consistent and get the lists up. 'Family Jobs', 'Mum Jobs' and 'Lunch rota'. After a few weeks, they hopefully will be helping more and things will be less stressful.

@Feedingthebirds1that is a horrible thing to say OP’s DD is autistic, to what degree we don’t know, she shouldn’t be made to move out because she can’t cope with all the changes and is reacting in the only way she knows how.

@BadNomad so what's the name for children and teenagers who help out round the house because their parents cant be arsed to do everything and dont see why they should?

I think it's an insult to young carers to suggest they do as little as the OP is asking for.

I guess making lunch and feeding the pet cats is caregiving and asking too much for a 12-year old and a 16-year old @BadNomad God forbid there's compassion and love for their mother. I sure hope your viewpoint doesn't come back to bite you in the ass someday in the future should you ever have illness or disability

@Worrysaboutalot I hoped you were reading this and would comment because I remembered your thread about your ongoing disability

@Worrysaboutalot

I am in a very similar situation to you. A sudden loss of mobility for me. I struggle with a stick or crutches in the house and a wheelchair outside. This change is permanent for me too, if you want to PM me, I am happy to listen/talk if that would help you.

My children who range from 8yo to 15yo, have struggled in different ways to accept the changes in the household. However, none of my children are autistic, so my solutions might not work for you.

Pocket money is not linked to chores. It is given so they can learn the value of money and how to spend or save.

Each child has family jobs, which they do because they are members of our family. Everyone including parents do family jobs. We repeat this consistently. The family jobs are not done ‘for DH and I’ but for 'the family'.

In our house. Pre my illness
Tidy rooms, put dirty clothes in wash, put away clothes that I wash/dry, clear their plates from the table, scrape plates and stack. Older three make their own packed lunches, youngest has school dinner. Strip their beds. Older two make their beds. Youngest two and me make their bed and mine together. All kids can make simple meals. Youngest (8yo) can only make simple cold salad meals from the fridge and sandwiches, middle kids make scrambled eggs, toasties, noodles etc. Oldest can make spag bol, pizza from scratch (15yo high school home eco classes are great) Often the kids cook for each other.

TBH Tidying their rooms is not adhered to by the youngest two yet, so we are working on it.

Extra jobs Since my illness
Refill my water bottles, bring my handbag to me, make me lunch if they are home, help me on/off with my shoes and bra, put things on/off charge, go to the local shop for bread crisps etc, bring sticks to me, pick up things off the floor when I drop them (this happens a lot), answer the door for me. (Give me a hug when I get sad.) Hoover downstairs weekly, Empty recycling kitchen bins weekly. Carry bags upstairs and downstairs including laundry bags. Put things in/out dryer. Youngest two make their own beds and oldest/DH does mine/ours.

Your situation
In your situation I would first have a sit down and a hug with each child, talk about what has happened in your family and how do they feel about things, so you can give them reassurance and understanding of how they see things and how things will be in the future. I found my youngest two needed things explaining several times, the very youngest still hasn’t accepted that things will not change for me, sigh. Just loads of talking and their feelings.

Separately I would work on consistency and attitude. They should be doing basic jobs around the house as family jobs for the family (not for you or DH) Including fixing their own lunches and feeding the cats, tidying the house.

Give them a short age-appropriate list for 'family jobs' and go over it with them every morning, until they check their list automatically. Keep repeating that everyone has 'family jobs' and we all do them as we are all part of the family.

This just leaves your personal 'mum jobs'. Another short list of 'mum jobs' that they do for you because they love you, that you are their mother and that you need this extra help.

Both of your children are old enough to prep simple food for you. Give them a 'lunch rota', so they know that older child A makes your lunch Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Child B does Tuesday and Thursday. Set the menu the same every week, so each child knows in advance what they are making.

Knowing when and what they are doing would take a lot of the stress and decision-making elements out of the situation.

I really hope things settle for you and I know how hard it is to parent children when you are in pain and tired. Be consistent and get the lists up. 'Family Jobs', 'Mum Jobs' and 'Lunch rota'. After a few weeks, they hopefully will be helping more and things will be less stressful.

That is a very kind and helpful post, you sound a lovely mum and family. I am consistently amazed by how much effort people go to to write in such detail and with such thoughtfulness for the benefit of strangers. I want to give you (and the OP) a hug myself.

I think it's not particularly helpful people being so down on OPs children. I think your daughter was out of order but so we're you OP. Autism is hard and teenage years are hard you don't know how she is feeling and clearly she won't know how you are feeling.
Could you have a meeting and table all you feeling, are they scared of a potential change in roll that they will become carers and will miss feeling looked after? Yes they can and should do more around the house but look at what is normal for kids their age and maybe get help if you can to do the rest.

I should add DH cooks every night and through the weekend and I do what I can wash clothes, hanging them with perching chair and long stick for hangers, order food shopping.

Oh, my kids put away the food when it is delivered weekly. They are super organised and it all is done in minutes, compared to my 30 minutes when I was healthy. I am proud of them, they are good kids

Disneyforever19 & theleafandnotthetree Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate the help and support I received on these boards and I hope all the nicer posts on this thread give more help and support to OP at this difficult time.

@EKGEMS

I guess making lunch and feeding the pet cats is caregiving and asking too much for a 12-year old and a 16-year old *@BadNomad* God forbid there's compassion and love for their mother. I sure hope your viewpoint doesn't come back to bite you in the ass someday in the future should you ever have illness or disability

I was a young carer from the age of 11 for a disabled mother and an autistic brother. Now I'm just an old carer for an autistic brother since our mother passed away many years ago. I know what it's like seeing your once strong mother refined to a wheelchair and knowing life will never be the same again. I know what it feels like making lunch for your mother, not because it's normal, but because she's stuck in her bed. I know what it's like hoovering the house, not because it's my duty aspart of a family, but because my mother can't. I know what it's like to be a child with a disabled mother.

@EKGEMS your missing the point, it’s not what they’re being asked to do it’s that they haven’t been asked to do it before. It’s not about care and compassion it’s about understanding between both parties. The kids need to understand that things have changed and they need to help more and OP needs to realise that they won’t start being helpful overnight and they will need to be reminded and hassled until they get it.

I'm so sorry about your condition OP.

Honestly, if I had been in your DC's shoes at that age I would've been utterly terrified to realise my mum was fallible. She was a SAHP who did absolutely everything in the house, and while I like to think I would have stepped up I think the reality is that I would have really struggled - both with actually knowing what needed to be done and how, and the emotional side of the change in my role in the house. I doubt I would have handled it well, and I was a quiet, studious teen who was literally never in trouble and is NT. I think I would've had a very teenage reaction to the unfairness of it all, and let's face it, the situation you're in is very very unfair on all four of you.

There are some brilliant posts on here. I think you need a conversation with each of them setting out your expectations of them in a more positive way, and I'm sorry but I think you do owe your eldest an apology.

@Disneyforever1974 You're right it is a big change but I think the two things mentioned aren't really difficult like heating up a can of soup or making a simple sandwich, feeding the cats. @BadNomad The point is you did step up,right,multiple times! I care for a severely disabled adult child so I also have that experience but I cannot comprehend complete refusal at 12 and 16! It sounds like the elder child has PDA but also attends school and most likely can do certain activities of daily living such as cleaning herself, dressing, toileting so in theory can be coached with a visual time schedule or whatever is implemented at school. I also take issue with her spouse-if he can hold down a job he certainly can make a packed lunch for the OP. Who feeds the two children now you can't @cricketmum84? I may have missed that

So sorry to hear about your prognosis OP. That's really tough.

But your kids are bang out of order. Sit them down and explain that you either need them to help around the house and if they won't, you'll have to pay someone who will. Then tell them that the only way you can afford is to stop their pocket money, and that the choice is theirs.

@transformandriseup

I'm not going to defend the 16 year olds behaviour but when I was in my pre-teens my mum had a diagnosis of a condition which left her permanently disabled. It took a very long time to adjust and looking back I wished I had done more to help her at the start (without her asking me first) but the changes to our family life were a lot for me to take in.

I was coming on to say similar. I had a lot of caring responsibilities as teenager, due to my mother's physical and mental illness. I did what was asked of me, but I was very angry. Looking back, I realise that I was angry because I was scared, and that I wasn't ready for the loss of my mother being able to act as the parent.

I wouldn't make this about your long-term condition, OP. I would be saying to both kids that they need to contribute because they are members of your household.

FWIW my DCs were refused the young carers waiting list because the chores they do are all age appropriate and they weren’t deemed to be doing more than reasonable, and they were doing them as part of growing up/contributing to family life generally rather than because of my/DH’s disabilities. So while it’s worth applying depending on how busy they are in your area they may not be accepted 💐

Get into contact with young carers and adult carers if you haven't already.
They can help give support,find services and help with benefits.