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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely fucking sick of this life

247 replies

cricketmum84 · 12/07/2021 16:01

I have two DC. One aged 16 and one 12.

I have been disabled and unable to walk since Christmas. It's a long term health condition that I found out a few days ago that I'm not going to recover from.

The DC will do NOTHING. literally nothing.

DH is out of the house for work from 7.45am until 6pm Monday to Friday then is having to do all cleaning, cooking. Washing, ironing etc on top of his full time job as I'm not able to do it.

It actually cost me £20 in bribes last week just to get the kids to clean the cat trays and vacuum.

What the fuck do I do? I'm tempted to get a cleaner and pay them with their pocket money until they buck their ideas up.

I'm just totally beaten down.

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 12/07/2021 16:32

Wow this sounds so tough. Sounds like quite an adjustment for you all.

I think a pp was right when they said you should apologise for the comment about autism. That is the adult thing to do and will hopefully open up a dialogue.

I think the suggestion for a house meeting is fair. Try to figure out what is reasonable for everyone to contribute to the household chores. I’d try not to put too much on your children but at their ages they should be capable of a couple of tasks a day or looking after some of their own tidying etc.
Is there a way to help your child remember the chores they get (a visual daily reminder or similar).

Would you be entitled to any care support from the local authority?

JaneTheVirgin · 12/07/2021 16:33

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LadyBonnibel · 12/07/2021 16:34

Sorry it's so tough for you OP.

Wifi is the answer in this house. I have never had to actually turn it off. just threatening to gets results.

Try not to get angry (I know that can be hard) - just calmly say "you will get the wifi back on / pocket money when I see X Y and Z jobs finished". Keep the jobs to a reasonable amount for each day if possible. If and when it works, try to be positive eg "Thanks, you are getting better at that" or similar.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/07/2021 16:35

It sounds so stressful for you all. Would they be able to access any support via young carers (your council website should have details) as that’s what they have become. School or college may also offer support. Yes they should be helping and no they shouldn’t be speaking to you like that but they are clearly acting out as they are scared and have autism.

Innocenta · 12/07/2021 16:36

I can’t believe people are saying you’re in the wrong for comparing disabilities. Being autistic doesn’t make your DC stupid or unable to understand the fact that you’re disabled too - it’s not wrong to have expectations for a child (yes, including an autistic one!) to step up in a situation like this. Not even feeding the poor cats is shocking. You are not in the wrong; it’s only human to be upset and angry when your DC (especially the older) are seriously letting you down. You don’t owe anyone an apology. They should be apologising to you.

I hope you can get a plan sorted soon, especially making sure the cats’ needs and yours are met.

Whatinthelord · 12/07/2021 16:41

Op how are your needs being met if your partner is out all day? I’m assuming if you can’t feed the cats you struggle to do food for yourself too?

How do you manage when everyone is out at work or school? Sounds very difficult situation.

misssunshine4040 · 12/07/2021 16:43

@Orf1abc

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

You were completely out of order. You need to apologise.

You're frustrated because disability is new to you and you're learning to adapt, your child has been disabled their whole life. Think about how you can support and learn from each other.

Being told to fuck off and die for telling the truth to a near adult who refuses to help care for their seriously ill mother? Nah I wouldn't be having that.
transformandriseup · 12/07/2021 16:47

I'm not going to defend the 16 year olds behaviour but when I was in my pre-teens my mum had a diagnosis of a condition which left her permanently disabled. It took a very long time to adjust and looking back I wished I had done more to help her at the start (without her asking me first) but the changes to our family life were a lot for me to take in.

misssunshine4040 · 12/07/2021 16:47

@0None0

YABVU if you think that losing the use of your legs is worse than being autistic
I'm going to assume that you also have lost the use of your legs and been told that it will be permanent to be able to make such a bold statement
ClawedButler · 12/07/2021 16:50

Oh, OP, it sounds awful. Was that the best possible thing to say to your child with autism? No. But it came from a place of physical and emotional pain and frustration and, I hope, won't happen again.

I do think what a PP said may be worth considering. The rug has been pulled from under their feet. Teenagers' brains are simply not wired the same as adults - they genuinely can't help it. They're like giant toddlers really, with poor impulse control, a will of iron and an unshakeable conviction that they know everything and you know nothing. If they're frightened and upset by the enormity of what's happening, it could well be expressed by tantrums, yelling, withdrawing, swearing (for shock value) and generally being a pain in the arse.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 12/07/2021 16:50

I think give them the choice to help out ,not because you're unable but because they need to as that's what a family does OR employ a cleaner with their money ( genius idea!) Talk calmly though and present it to them so they realise there is a choice.

Teens are bloody hard work sometimes and sometimes say utterly shocking things. Flowers

areyouadogperson · 12/07/2021 16:51

No wifi until help is given everyday. Change the password every day and they only get the new password when things like the cats have been looked after, hovering done, tidying etc.

Seesawmummadaw · 12/07/2021 16:54

@0None0

YABVU if you think that losing the use of your legs is worse than being autistic
Again, it’s not a competition. It works both ways.
shinynewapple21 · 12/07/2021 16:55

OP I am really sorry that this is your life at the moment and I hope you find some resolution to make things better for you Thanks

Sadly I don't think you are going to find that on MN . Responses on this thread are appalling

ShitPoetryClub · 12/07/2021 16:57

Does she have a demand avoidance component to her autism because what seems like uncooperative to you can seem to her like a complete attack towards her.
It was explained to me as this "you ask them to wash up" they hear "wash up, do it now, do it perfectly, now, now, now" and it triggers exactly the same adrenaline rush as a panic attack. Or they start to catastrophise, "the cats going to die and its all my fault" and just freeze with fear.
In some cases it's better to use non verbal communication if you can, like a chart in the kitchen that she can just tick her jobs off on or even PECS symbols. Could you ask her which method would work best?
How is she at school? What methods of communication work best there?
I really feel for you op. Hope you get sorted with the PIP and can afford some help.

Ijsbear · 12/07/2021 16:57

Unfortunately that comment about autism is likely to derail the whole thread now. Take what's useful from it and ignore the unhelpful comments.

You are not being unreasonable at all and the hardest thing is, coming to terms with this permanent disability and (from the sound of it) pain in getting anything at all done, means that your children will -have- to step up at least for some time, and that will be a shock for them too. Have you got any support through the difficult times ahead? It may well be worth finding a support group of disabled parents locally or a forum.

Best of luck; so much to come to terms with and so much struggle.

(btw, psycho-motor therapy has turned our explosive, unhelpful, argumentative-til-the-moon-fell-down autistic older child completely around. He's still very much him, but he's delightful now. Might it be something to look at for your daughter, when you have a bit of left over energy?)

TheTallOakTrees · 12/07/2021 17:00

Your children should earn their pocket money in chores. You could ask them to do chores for gaming time. They want clean clothes then they are not too young to load a washing machine and fold clothing. Washing up, general cleaning children of those ages should really be contributing anyway and given your health and prognosis you would think they would want to help.
You and partner need to sit down and talk to them and let them know what they have to do. Not ask. They need to gain these skills for their future life independence.

Original poster
cricketmum84 · 12/07/2021 17:00

@Whatinthelord

Op how are your needs being met if your partner is out all day? I’m assuming if you can’t feed the cats you struggle to do food for yourself too?

How do you manage when everyone is out at work or school? Sounds very difficult situation.

Basically I starve. Sometimes I can manage with a perching stool to prepare some toast and sometimes he has enough time to prep me a sandwich before he sets off.

Just hoping and praying that the PIP comes through so I can afford to get someone in to help.

I'm really new to all this.

OP posts:
HalfTermHalfTerm · 12/07/2021 17:01

@0None0

YABVU if you think that losing the use of your legs is worse than being autistic
They’re not comparable though, are they? So the OP shouldn’t have compared them but neither should anyone else.
ShitPoetryClub · 12/07/2021 17:02

Just a thought OP, but are you entitled to any disability benefits for your DD?

Whatinthelord · 12/07/2021 17:02

@cricketmum84 oh wow that sounds awful. I’m so sorry. Have you contacted social care about possibility of having care support in the home?

misssunshine4040 · 12/07/2021 17:02

@cricketmum84 so sorry you are dealing with this.
Life is so unfair, you are doing amazingly. Such a blow and massive news to process and learn to live with.
I hope the things improve and you are able to get some help in ASAP

FrownedUpon · 12/07/2021 17:03

That’s outrageous from your 16 year old. She needs to step up at that age. I certainly wouldn’t be giving her any money at all unless she earns it. Mine both started part time jobs at 15.

Original poster
cricketmum84 · 12/07/2021 17:03

@ShitPoetryClub

Does she have a demand avoidance component to her autism because what seems like uncooperative to you can seem to her like a complete attack towards her. It was explained to me as this "you ask them to wash up" they hear "wash up, do it now, do it perfectly, now, now, now" and it triggers exactly the same adrenaline rush as a panic attack. Or they start to catastrophise, "the cats going to die and its all my fault" and just freeze with fear. In some cases it's better to use non verbal communication if you can, like a chart in the kitchen that she can just tick her jobs off on or even PECS symbols. Could you ask her which method would work best? How is she at school? What methods of communication work best there? I really feel for you op. Hope you get sorted with the PIP and can afford some help.
Thank you. This is actually incredibly helpful. I will definitely try this ❤️
OP posts:
lazylump72 · 12/07/2021 17:06

OP I know this is so not going to be popular but the level of respect in your house is shocking. Family meeting is called for round the table andit needs to be explained that everyone who lives in that house has responsibility to its cleanliness and smooth running each and everyone can and should do what they can given the challenging circumstances to help each other right now,You should insist that you all pull together as this is so not helping anyone, Sadly if no one can or will manage the cats then please adopt them out as its not fair for them to suffer.Time to be tough lady and pull everyone together,That language used today was shocking ,autism or not no way would any member of my family ever dare speak like that to one another, Regardless of anything you need to assert your authority over the kids and fast, I wish you well going forward,