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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely fucking sick of this life

247 replies

cricketmum84 · 12/07/2021 16:01

I have two DC. One aged 16 and one 12.

I have been disabled and unable to walk since Christmas. It's a long term health condition that I found out a few days ago that I'm not going to recover from.

The DC will do NOTHING. literally nothing.

DH is out of the house for work from 7.45am until 6pm Monday to Friday then is having to do all cleaning, cooking. Washing, ironing etc on top of his full time job as I'm not able to do it.

It actually cost me £20 in bribes last week just to get the kids to clean the cat trays and vacuum.

What the fuck do I do? I'm tempted to get a cleaner and pay them with their pocket money until they buck their ideas up.

I'm just totally beaten down.

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

OP posts:
LalalalalalaLand123 · 12/07/2021 17:52

If they don't do anything around the house, why are they getting pocket money? It has to depend on their contribution. (And do try to avoid comparing disabiliites, that will just get everyone's backs up.)

ViewFromTheRoof · 12/07/2021 17:52

Firstly, I am so sorry that this has happened to you and you are having to come to terms with a disability. Mine showed up in my mid 20s 20 years ago so I have had a long time to adapt.

Firstly, get your Dh to google your router and figure out how to turn off everyone except yourself. You can stay connected they can be cut off.

Secondly, why should you pay for your DCs' phones if they treat you this way? Maybe a family meeting to ask them why they think they should be afforded this privilege.

Thirdly, no money for chores. No one pays me to make dinner, do laundry, no one will pay them when they are in their own homes, they don't get money for chores. They can earn money for doing extra things but make them come up with things they can do. It will teach them to look for ways to earn money.

A chore chart or list will help everyone to know their roles and responsibilities. You being left without food is unacceptable. It should not fall to your Dh to do everything. Your children need to learn to do laundry, clean, cook and tidy. Ds1 was doing slow cooker dump meals from 12 that didn't involve any prep, just chopped onions from the freezer, pre-frozen chicken breast, tinned tomatoes, spices, herbs etc. My slow cooker has a built in timer but before that we used a plug in timer. There are hundreds of recipes online, not for you to look at but other family members.

So family meeting until your PIP is sorted out.

Innocenta · 12/07/2021 17:59

@Tiari No one seriously wants her to hit her daughter. Funny how you only seem to care about the lazy sixteen-year-old, but show zero empathy towards OP... Confused

grapewine · 12/07/2021 18:04

@Innocenta

I can’t believe people are saying you’re in the wrong for comparing disabilities. Being autistic doesn’t make your DC stupid or unable to understand the fact that you’re disabled too - it’s not wrong to have expectations for a child (yes, including an autistic one!) to step up in a situation like this. Not even feeding the poor cats is shocking. You are not in the wrong; it’s only human to be upset and angry when your DC (especially the older) are seriously letting you down. You don’t owe anyone an apology. They should be apologising to you.

I hope you can get a plan sorted soon, especially making sure the cats’ needs and yours are met.

All of this. You don't need to apologise. They need to step up. Use their pocket money for a cleaner if they don't. No way in hell would a 16-year-old get away with telling me to fuck off and die.
Queenelsarules · 12/07/2021 18:05

I'm so sorry you are dealing with a new disability and all the changes and limitations thst brings. You are allowed to lose your cool.

That said so many of the replies on this thread offer advice that just will not work for your daughter.

I am Autistic, my children are Autistic, one adhd also, the other with many demand avoidance traits. She sounds similar to your daughter in her reactions.

Please look into demand avoidance and the utter panic it brings. Your children are dealing with a massive change, seeing their mum vulnerable, it will be shocking and scary for them..Your daughter is communicating this to you in the most unhelpful ways, because, well she's a teenager and she is autistic.

Collaborative problem solving is what will work. At a time when tempers have died down, talk to her about how you shouldn't have compared, but that you are tired, frustrated and in need of help. Ask how she feels she can help? Come up with a list together, and then ask how she would like to be reminded. Your partner can take some of this on. The point is to involve her in the process.

It may look like a 'soft' option, other posters will tell you you need to come down on your daughter like a ton of bricks, please do not do this, it will not work, and will waste valuable energy.

I wish you all the very best in learning as a family how to adapt to your disability.

Disneyforever1974 · 12/07/2021 18:09

@cricketmum84, before I pass comment on your actual question I need to comment on your last post, it is absolutely reprehensible that food isn’t being left available to you. If you are unable to make a sandwich yourself due to your current injury then your husband should be making you a packed lunch everyday before he goes to work not when he has time. He should also be ensuring that you have enough to drink.
Back to your post did your children do anything around the house before you became disabled? If they didn’t then I think this is part of your problem. They are not going to all of a sudden step up. What I would do is make a chore chart with or without their input and explain exactly what is expected of them and if it isn’t done what the consequences are. In regards to your DD I would move on from what you both said because neither of you were particularly nice, I think what a lot of PP’s are forgetting is that your DD isn’t NT so she may not be able to do what a NT 16year old can do. Having a sudden dramatic change in health is very hard for the whole family and it’s still really early days so give yourself and your kids a break this is going to be a hard road to navigate. Have you been in contact with your GP for additional help whist you are injured? If you haven’t it maybe worth doing so, it may also be worth trying to set up some counselling for you and your children to try and help you all come to terms with what is happening.
On a personal note I was diagnosed with a chronic illness around 6 years ago and I am still coming to terms with it, and some days are incredibly hard. Keep your chin up it will get easier Flowers

grapewine · 12/07/2021 18:09

No pocket money, no wifi, and sandwiches & cereal until they can behave like humans. And Id be asking the 16 year old where they are planning on living next year when they finish school as they wont be staying with me if thats how they behave.

And this. At least your 12-year-old is helping now. But something clearly needs to change.

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/07/2021 18:10

No way I’d apologise to the 16yo.

Things off the top of my head that would help you. You may need to cut back on luxuries like pocket money to afford them Wink

Robo mop with vacuum functionality. Needs to be self docking.
Dry cat food auto dispenser with a timer.
Cleaner.

Robot litter tray. It senses clumps & removes them straightaway.

soooooooG · 12/07/2021 18:16

Okay so if she is autistic you need to plan it, can you make a simple visual chart of chores, can they be planned the same time and same way every day, does she have a phone calendar you can set a reminder in?

My youngest is suspected autistic and we manage him in a way to avoid demands but to show what he needs to do.

Innocenta · 12/07/2021 18:19

@Queenelsarules Challenges like this will occur in the children's future lives too. Sixteen is almost an adult - it is not reasonable to expect that everyone this child meets, for the rest of her life, will be flawless in their approach to interacting with her. People with disabilities do compare them, even though it isn't very savoury - this happens all the time. It's completely unacceptable that she's reacting the way she is, and while I'm not saying there should be zero consideration of her neuroatypicality, I think your suggestions, unfortunately, would just affirm her entitlement.

Georgyporky · 12/07/2021 18:19

Why can't DH discipline the lazy brats ?

He sounds lovely in the way he's taken over all the chores, but they should be shared between 3.

Tiari · 12/07/2021 18:24

@Innocenta
You must have missed my post at 17.44?

Toomanyradishes · 12/07/2021 18:24

My mum went thrpugh a period of being disabled when I was a similar age to your youngest, it ended up being temporary although we didnt know that at the time.

I will say that as a 13 year old it was overwhelming going from doing the odd chores each day to cooking, cleaning doing all the laundry etc overnight (although your 16 year old should have more awareness of all of this)

What got to me was not having to do the stuff, but the mental load that I was suddenly expected to take on. Its one thing for a child to do their own washing, or put a load on when asked, its another to suddenly find yourself responsible for all the washing, being yelled at if its not done in a certain perfect way (pegs in the wrong place when hung out, airing not moved around in some secret order that only exists in my mothers brain that I still havent cracked)

And I didnt know how to cook much so I would get an entire meals instructions recited at me and be expected to memorise them. Im a visual person so I need to write them down and I would be berated for being stupid because everyone knows how long to boil potatoes for, unless of course they dont.

Now I am sure you are a lot nicer than my mother, in her case illness just exacerbated issues that were already there. But try to make sure its not always yelling all the time, because thats literally most of what I remember from 13-18 when I left. As an adult I find it easy to help my mum, because I have managed my own home and I can see what needs to be done. As a child it takes awhile to make the switch to thinking of these things, plus you dont have the same leeway for making mistakes as you do as a young adult when you leave home. When you first live by yourself if you run out out of clothes because you forgot to do the washing you wear dirty ones no big deal. If you are 12 and you forget to do the washing you get yelled at or your pocket money docked etc. You dont get the chance to ease into things and pick them up gradually and make mistakes etc

So please take time to explain how the routine works to your daughters, even if it seems obvious to you, even if you think they should know how to do things from watching you. No amount of 'everyone knows how to do that' or 'nobody had to teach me' made me feel any happier to volunteer to help

If they do things but not to your standard, dont tell them off. No one volunteers to help with chores if they think they will never get it right. Gently encourage them and they are much more likely to help more.

Give them structure, routines, charts, all the details. Write down how to make your favorite meals and include all the tiny steps, so they dont feel so helpless.

Dont forget this is a big adjustment for them too. There is a big difference between helping with chores and essentially being responsible for them. As much as you need them to get up to speed right now you all need to live with imperfection for a bit whilst they catch up.

That said absolutely sanction bad language, breaking doors etc, but dont forget they need extra love at the moment. And praise them

My mum used to tell everyone who would listen that we never helped her (she could still get out and about a bit). She would stand there in front of us moaning about how shit we were and how lazy we were knowing full well when we got home we would be cooking dinner, always a proper meat potato and veg meal etc, washing up, putting washing on, cleaning, doing the ironing and trying to fit our homework in. She would say we never did anything without asking but we never got chance because she was too busy barking orders out.

Like I say I am sure you arent like this and this isnt about me, but please give them a chance to adjust and give the all the tools they need to do so even if it is a lot on top of what you are already dealing with

Itgetsthehoseagain · 12/07/2021 18:25

Definitely go in with a discussion with your DCs about how they are now, officially, "Young Carers". Your ASD DC may well respond positively to the clarity of that, and seems to like labels! You can discuss how they will be deserving of respite - I think this is actually a thing and that funding is available for young carers. There are some forms that would need filling in and the school might have to verify their role, but I'm 98% certain that it's a thing.
This discussion will show them that their new roles are valid and deserving of recognition, and that you recognise the change in expectations that you will have of them.
Then I suppose the hard part is to get them moving in the right direction. The ASD DC seems oddly hateful. The behaviour seems almost that of a child who doesn't have ASD... is there definitely a diagnosis? Flowers

Sugarplumfairy65 · 12/07/2021 18:30

I would give social services a ring and ask for a care assessment. You may be able to get direct payments to help with carers

robbiJ60 · 12/07/2021 18:32

Pocket money at 16? I was working full time at that age and giving my mother a weekly wage for my keep. I did all my own washing cooking cleaning etc too. My own children did paper rounds to earn pocket money, now they are all successful adults with a strong work ethic. You are doing them no favours encouraging bad behaviour

cricketmum84 · 12/07/2021 18:41

So I've just called a family meeting.

I tried to explain to DC how hard I'm finding things and that it's unfair on Dad that he is doing everything with no help.

16yo has kicked off the the point of becoming violent because I am asking to much. Youngest DD has gone to SIL for the night because she is scared of her older sisterS

OP posts:
Tiari · 12/07/2021 18:49

OP, please go on Scope Online

olidora63 · 12/07/2021 18:51

@kidsatuniemptynester

Autism is NOT an excuse for rudeness, laziness, shouting at you, letting the cats starve. So, no pocket money, let her feed herself. If she is such a big grown up, let her deal with her own life. Jesus wept, the people making excuses for disgusting behaviour on here. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this situation, and your poor DH too. Work together, do not cut the kids any slack, no help = no pocket money, no lifts, no wifi. Change the wifi code, and they can earn access per hour, by working for it.
This 100%….are you safe when your husband is at work?
cricketmum84 · 12/07/2021 18:54

@olidora63 she has hurt be before. She has punched me and broken my finger and trapped me behind a door and bruised me.

Not recently though. We got a Barnados case worker who helped enormously with anger management.

I feel safe now.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 12/07/2021 18:54

@Toomanyradishes

My mum went thrpugh a period of being disabled when I was a similar age to your youngest, it ended up being temporary although we didnt know that at the time.

I will say that as a 13 year old it was overwhelming going from doing the odd chores each day to cooking, cleaning doing all the laundry etc overnight (although your 16 year old should have more awareness of all of this)

What got to me was not having to do the stuff, but the mental load that I was suddenly expected to take on. Its one thing for a child to do their own washing, or put a load on when asked, its another to suddenly find yourself responsible for all the washing, being yelled at if its not done in a certain perfect way (pegs in the wrong place when hung out, airing not moved around in some secret order that only exists in my mothers brain that I still havent cracked)

And I didnt know how to cook much so I would get an entire meals instructions recited at me and be expected to memorise them. Im a visual person so I need to write them down and I would be berated for being stupid because everyone knows how long to boil potatoes for, unless of course they dont.

Now I am sure you are a lot nicer than my mother, in her case illness just exacerbated issues that were already there. But try to make sure its not always yelling all the time, because thats literally most of what I remember from 13-18 when I left. As an adult I find it easy to help my mum, because I have managed my own home and I can see what needs to be done. As a child it takes awhile to make the switch to thinking of these things, plus you dont have the same leeway for making mistakes as you do as a young adult when you leave home. When you first live by yourself if you run out out of clothes because you forgot to do the washing you wear dirty ones no big deal. If you are 12 and you forget to do the washing you get yelled at or your pocket money docked etc. You dont get the chance to ease into things and pick them up gradually and make mistakes etc

So please take time to explain how the routine works to your daughters, even if it seems obvious to you, even if you think they should know how to do things from watching you. No amount of 'everyone knows how to do that' or 'nobody had to teach me' made me feel any happier to volunteer to help

If they do things but not to your standard, dont tell them off. No one volunteers to help with chores if they think they will never get it right. Gently encourage them and they are much more likely to help more.

Give them structure, routines, charts, all the details. Write down how to make your favorite meals and include all the tiny steps, so they dont feel so helpless.

Dont forget this is a big adjustment for them too. There is a big difference between helping with chores and essentially being responsible for them. As much as you need them to get up to speed right now you all need to live with imperfection for a bit whilst they catch up.

That said absolutely sanction bad language, breaking doors etc, but dont forget they need extra love at the moment. And praise them

My mum used to tell everyone who would listen that we never helped her (she could still get out and about a bit). She would stand there in front of us moaning about how shit we were and how lazy we were knowing full well when we got home we would be cooking dinner, always a proper meat potato and veg meal etc, washing up, putting washing on, cleaning, doing the ironing and trying to fit our homework in. She would say we never did anything without asking but we never got chance because she was too busy barking orders out.

Like I say I am sure you arent like this and this isnt about me, but please give them a chance to adjust and give the all the tools they need to do so even if it is a lot on top of what you are already dealing with

Read this, OP. ^

I know life is awful for you right now but forcing your girls to become young carers without giving them any choice is awful too. Yes they should have chores, but if they didn't before this then that's because you and DH did everything. It's only changing now because of your disability. This is a big adjustment. Your husband not having time to leave you a sandwich or forgetting to feet the cats is ridiculous tbh. He's an adult. Your daughters are children. Social Services can arrange domiciliary care - light housework, meals, personal care etc. Chores for the girls are fine, but it's unfair to turn them into mini housewives.

cricketmum84 · 12/07/2021 18:57

@BadNomad

That's quite unfair.

I am not asking them to become mini housewives.

I am asking them to clean up their own mess and vacuum round and feed our cats.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 12/07/2021 18:58

It's hardly expecting them to be mini housewives to help out for half an hour or so each day, esp at 16. Do less for them OP, much less. And no wifi until chores are done.

BadNomad · 12/07/2021 19:04

Then why haven't you made them do these chores before now? They know it's because you can't anymore. It's frightening watching your mother deteriorate. It's very likely they are in denial. They don't want things to change.

Feedingthebirds1 · 12/07/2021 19:04

OP would I be right in suspecting that the 16yo has always had issues around being asked to do anything, so you've got used to doing everything to avoid the outbursts? And now you're not playing the part of her slave she's getting angry?

You can't go on, in your health situation, with her behaving like this. You need external help, and if that means she lives elsewhere that will have to be what happens. Plus your youngest shouldn't have to live in a house where she doesn't feel safe, and given the eldest's escalating behaviour I don't share your confidence that you are physically safe either, especially as now you can't move out of the way so easily.