To be absolutely fucking sick of this life

[cricketmum84]

I have two DC. One aged 16 and one 12.

I have been disabled and unable to walk since Christmas. It's a long term health condition that I found out a few days ago that I'm not going to recover from.

The DC will do NOTHING. literally nothing.

DH is out of the house for work from 7.45am until 6pm Monday to Friday then is having to do all cleaning, cooking. Washing, ironing etc on top of his full time job as I'm not able to do it.

It actually cost me £20 in bribes last week just to get the kids to clean the cat trays and vacuum.

What the fuck do I do? I'm tempted to get a cleaner and pay them with their pocket money until they buck their ideas up.

I'm just totally beaten down.

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

@mbosnz

I reckon using the pocket money for a cleaner is a bloody good idea, particularly if that's his attitude.

always done that with my kids!

Either they clean and tidy, or the cleaner does it for them! Second option also means nothing is out of bound in their bedroom and they pay for it.

Never had to employ the cleaner so far.

Your comment was disgusting and your child deserves an apology.

Likewise you deserve one from them as well because what they said was equally vile.

This is a huge adjustment to you all and its going to take a while, you seriously need a family meeting to lay out boundaries, rules and how the future will be planning out. I.e if no chores are done then they don't get an allowance full stop.

Your kids should also take on a young carers course, community activity to meet others like them with disabled parents who require more assistance. It may help them realise what's needed and help them step up but ultimately its not their responsibility to care for you (as harsh as that is they are Your dependants not the other way round)

@0None0

YABVU if you think that losing the use of your legs is worse than being autistic

I'm autistic.

I'd far rather be as I am than lose the use of my legs.

@Orf1abc

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

You were completely out of order. You need to apologise.

You're frustrated because disability is new to you and you're learning to adapt, your child has been disabled their whole life. Think about how you can support and learn from each other.

Are you serious Orf?

Wow

@Orf1abc

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

You were completely out of order. You need to apologise.

You're frustrated because disability is new to you and you're learning to adapt, your child has been disabled their whole life. Think about how you can support and learn from each other.

what do you mean the OP was out of order?

Her children have been allowed to behave appallingly for far too long.

What is out of order is having a 12 and a 16 year old doing nothing in the house.

@Orf1abc

The 16 year old has just told me to fuck off and die because I suggested that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.

You were completely out of order. You need to apologise.

You're frustrated because disability is new to you and you're learning to adapt, your child has been disabled their whole life. Think about how you can support and learn from each other.

Hang on a minute.

I need to apologise to my 26 year old child because she told me to fuck off and die!??????!!!

I'm sorry op, you must be going through so much emotionally and just need a bit of back up

What are the plans long term re having a home suitable so you can get around in your wheelchair so you can be more sufficient? Would it help the kids to know there is a plan so they aren't feeling overwhelmed that it will always be like this?

What's the plans for the kids over the holidays? Will they at least feed themselves? And DH needs to make sure he leaves you food and drink if you can't get into the kitchen not just leave you starving all day.

I hope you can get some help soon x

*16

Sorry numb fingers are a part of my condition

I've asked and asked her repeatedly to put some food down for them and she has had a huge rant at me about how autism makes her forgetful.

it's the CHILD who is using autism as an excuse to be a brat and rude to her mother!

The OP has nothing to apologised for, her reply to the comment was absolutely fine.

it's the kid own's interest to learn, by 16 she should be able (not have to, but able) to take care of the house all by herself. It's ridiculous to run her mother ragged.

No phones or WiFi and definitely use their pocket money on a cleaner. They don't deserve luxuries if they're going to treat you like that.

Saying that, comparing disabilities is not the way to go.

Of course you need to shout. Make lists for them to do. Or else say they will be put into care if they don't pull up their socks and help. Why should you tolerate this level of abuse.

@0None0

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

How do you know? Have you lost the use of your legs?

Autistic or not the 16 year old needs to learn manners and humility. She clearly is able enough to engage and give backchat so she is able to learn to live within boundaries of decency.

Sounds like you are all in shock tbf, is there any family therapy that might help long term? Short term I agree with pp that the pocket money should be 'wages' for chores, and another pp said use a chart - so list the chores and how much they get paid for them.

You can get alsorts of stuff to help with chores and changing the house around to adapt to your needs etc

Do you like dogs? You can get assistance dogs that can put laundry in etc.

As for the row, you both got upset and lashed out. You need to kiss and make up ❤️❤️ sounds like your kids are scared and shocked and worried about you and the future 😘😘

Sorry that was to .....0None0
YABVU if you think that losing the use of your legs is worse than being autistic

Simply put the op the cleaning, cooking, feeding cat NEEDS to be done. If the dc are unable or unwilling to do this for whatever reason, be that disability or bloody mindedness, it makes no difference practically. It still needs to be done. So if you can't afford to pay a cleaner or a home help without spending the pocket money on it, that is what you will have to do. Tell them this too. They have the option of doing it or not doing it, but if they don't do it, you will be paying for it and will need to use their pocket money, (which is a want not a need in case they are not aware of this fact!)

Your child needs to apologise to you for telling you to fuck off and die.

You need to apologise to her for your suggestion “that being unable to use your legs was a bit worse than being autistic.” Like others have said, the two aren’t directly comparable and it’s not a disability competition.

You then as a family need to work out what’s reasonable in terms of who does what, depending on everyone’s capabilities.

I hope you get your PIP through soon. It sounds like being able to buy in help would make your life much easier.

@Orf1abc fast. Do your dc live on pedestals?
Have some empathy.
My dc even as stroppy teens have never sworn at me. And actually being physically disabled later in life is a huge thing for op to come to terms with.

Fgs - autocorrect.

I'm sorry you have had some really unhelpful posters posting on this thread. Your situation sounds unsustainable. Hopefully the PIP comes through and you can get a cleaner and a carer come in to do you some lunch.

Do you think it would be a good idea to rehome the cats?

I’m a wheelchair user and PIP recipient, OP. It does get better once arrangements are in place - none of this is your fault and I’m just so sorry the children aren’t even trying to help. I think some on this thread are mistakenly assuming that autistic = incompetent. I’m confident you aren’t asking more than is reasonable.

@ShitPoetryClub

Does she have a demand avoidance component to her autism because what seems like uncooperative to you can seem to her like a complete attack towards her. It was explained to me as this "you ask them to wash up" they hear "wash up, do it now, do it perfectly, now, now, now" and it triggers exactly the same adrenaline rush as a panic attack. Or they start to catastrophise, "the cats going to die and its all my fault" and just freeze with fear. In some cases it's better to use non verbal communication if you can, like a chart in the kitchen that she can just tick her jobs off on or even PECS symbols. Could you ask her which method would work best? How is she at school? What methods of communication work best there? I really feel for you op. Hope you get sorted with the PIP and can afford some help.

OP this is the best advice you've been given. I am sorry this is happening and I would give you a hug. The pocket money idea is correct. Stop giving them anything and use that ti get a cleaner and maybe if you can afford a little extra ask her to prep some food for you. Use the advice given for your 16 year old, if jo use then ask her to leave. I don't know how cleaners work but surely I'd you gave them a little extra that you can afford they could put you some food together? Maybe. I might be wrong. It might ease up the burden on your hubby and make you feel better.

Your hubby is a good guy for helping you. You seem like a good person too, dont like this get you down. I hope your PIP gets sorted. Please come back to chat and ignore the stupid comments by stupid people.

I have an autistic child I ask him to feed the cats he does it then and there because he knows at age 8 he will forget he doesn't make excuses your child is fucking rude to you

@RampantIvy

I'm sorry you have had some really unhelpful posters posting on this thread. Your situation sounds unsustainable. Hopefully the PIP comes through and you can get a cleaner and a carer come in to do you some lunch.

Do you think it would be a good idea to rehome the cats?

God no. Those cats are my life! Normally DH puts their food down before he goes to work but he forgot today.

Ivy at is my therapy cat, she loves and snuggles whenever she senses I'm feeling down. Betsy is a nervy little thing but still loves an ear scratch. I couldn't be without them.
The 12 year old is doing the cat trays now. Think she feels guilty. Am dreading DH reaction when he gets home and realises Dd(16) has broken the living room door.

I apologise I said burden. You are not a burden and its not a burden for your husband either.

Sorry, but I think that was incredibly out of line by your 16 year old, autistic or not. I would make a list of jobs you need them to do, and advise that either they do it, and to a good standard, or their pocket money & money spent on hobbies etc, will be paying for someone else to do it. I’m sure your disability has come as a shock to them (more of a shock to you tho tbh) and 12 & 16 isn’t too young to be stepping up a bit and helping. My parents had me doing small jobs around the house from a young age, as I’m sure did most other MN’ers.