To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

And it's one that most would find unacceptable tbh.

Probably because you haven't spent ten years wasting someone else's money and obstructing a relationship with their father. You'd take umbrage, because for no reason, you're being treated as untrustworthy.

If I fucked around with child contact, plans, wasted my ex's money repeatedly, and deliberately, then I would absolutely expect them to put a mechanism in place to stop me doing it anymore than the ten years that this woman already has.

So when the ex does the usual and stops it happening, she still upsets DF, the other siblings, her own DD potentially, OP. She doesn't get the glee of knowing she's wasted thousands of OPs personal inheritance to boot. Except this won't even be an issue, because the mother won't agree to anything that makes her financially accountable for her own actions. At least OP finds out now.

It's essentially a deposit.

It's more insult than invitation imo.

Mum might be worried about the financial repercussions too. What if she did agree that her daughter could go, but at the last minute DD herself had second thoughts and pulled out. Teenagers can be unpredictable. Why should she be the one to bear this responsibility? It's not her trip.

Well if everyone keeps arguing we'd better hope the OP is willing to start another thread to tell us what the outcome wascos this one is not going to last out the day at this rate....

I know, I was thinking that too DeRigeurMortis. I'll shut up now

@LizzieAnt

It's essentially a deposit.

It's more insult than invitation imo.

Mum might be worried about the financial repercussions too. What if she did agree that her daughter could go, but at the last minute DD herself had second thoughts and pulled out. Teenagers can be unpredictable. Why should she be the one to bear this responsibility? It's not her trip.

Well if everyone keeps arguing we'd better hope the OP is willing to start another thread to tell us what the outcome wascos this one is not going to last out the day at this rate....

I know, I was thinking that too DeRigeurMortis. I'll shut up now

that is entirely her own fault - she only has herself to blame doesn't she?

Disclaimer: I don't have stepchildren and nor does DH so (hopefully) I am free of any prejudices on either side, though I'm sure I have plenty of other prejudices

It strikes me LizzieAnt that you are probably a really nice person who is trying their utmost to be fair and reasonable and offer sensible suggestions.

From what we have heard, that approach just doesn't bear fruit in this particular situation. It's hard to escape the possibility that DSD might miss out on this holiday, but I do believe that the OP is acting reasonably in trying to ensure DSD's mother does not waste OP's money, based on her past experiences.

i think by "angry" you mean experienced and realistic and unfortunately someone who has had the back luck to deal with a woman like this.

I would like to remind you that it's you that keeps having personal attacks deleted, not me.

Thanks thing47.
Maybe you're right, it just seems so very sad for the child concerned.

The child's mother has been described harshly on here, but I do think the child's father and the OP need to reflect on what they're doing too. Their plan seems unnecessarily antagonistic if their true aim is actually to include their DD/SD on their family holiday. The OP is almost certain the plan won't work, so why take this approach if you really have the best interests of the child at heart? They're acting in their own interests instead, which is fine usually, but here it could easily lead to a young girl feeling rejected by and excluded from her family. I think there's a possibility OP doesn't truly want her SD included on the trip as it's more hassle, but would prefer to be able to blame the mother for this outcome. I may have this wrong, I certainly hope I do, but I'm just judging this from the tone of her posts.

I'm not in a similar situation, but I am close to someone who is. The parents don't get on at all, but do manage to co-operate on things like holidays for the benefit of their child. I wish this could happen here.

I really will shut up and give up now Hppymum123

Maybe a half way approach then.
Mum pays for the plane ticket and op pays for the park tickets etc much nearer the time. Less money for mum to fork out, but still significant enough for her not to want to lose it.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

i think by "angry" you mean experienced and realistic and unfortunately someone who has had the back luck to deal with a woman like this.

I would like to remind you that it's you that keeps having personal attacks deleted, not me.

This though ^

@LizzieAnt

Thanks thing47. Maybe you're right, it just seems so very sad for the child concerned.

The child's mother has been described harshly on here, but I do think the child's father and the OP need to reflect on what they're doing too. Their plan seems unnecessarily antagonistic if their true aim is actually to include their DD/SD on their family holiday. The OP is almost certain the plan won't work, so why take this approach if you really have the best interests of the child at heart? They're acting in their own interests instead, which is fine usually, but here it could easily lead to a young girl feeling rejected by and excluded from her family. I think there's a possibility OP doesn't truly want her SD included on the trip as it's more hassle, but would prefer to be able to blame the mother for this outcome. I may have this wrong, I certainly hope I do, but I'm just judging this from the tone of her posts.

I'm not in a similar situation, but I am close to someone who is. The parents don't get on at all, but do manage to co-operate on things like holidays for the benefit of their child. I wish this could happen here.

I really will shut up and give up now Hppymum123

If she thinks her daughter having a 3 week holiday to Disneyworld is a insult then she has bigger issues then I thought.

However, you do realise that I have two children of my own and I also need to put their best Interests first too? That includes not throwing money away when I could spend it on them.

In this instance we have decided we are unwilling to lose any money at all. So her mum will need to stump up and we will pay it back.

You mentioned what if DSC pulled out last minute and she’s out of pocket... that will also be down to her as she will need to tell DSC she has to come. I wouldn’t let my children back out of a paid for trip and I would be having stern words about how ungrateful they are acting too.

Myself and my OH can’t force her without her mum on side which 99% of the time she’s not but if it’s her money she may be more willing to do it.

If she doesn’t agree to pay upfront then we will be going but just us 4.

If when she’s older she mentions how she didn’t get an invite we will fully explain the situation with her mum and also remind her how her and her mum have refused multiple holidays/mini night away trips/caravan holidays before Disney and that was never a problem.

@Hppymum123

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Out of all the angry women on this thread it’s very amusing you calling people out on it.

You are the angriest of them all It’s gave me a huge laugh at the hypocrisy you have displayed.

Mum might be worried about the financial repercussions too. What if she did agree that her daughter could go, but at the last minute DD herself had second thoughts and pulled out. Teenagers can be unpredictable.

This has been the point through this entire thread about DSD! Teenagers are unpredictable. That’s not the OP’s financial burden to bear.

Why should OP the lose out on money either?! Oh yes she’s a stepmum and lives in the non resident household with the dad. Her finances clearly don’t matter. No worries about losing thousands of pounds because the stepmum’s money is never wasted if it’s thrown at stepchildren.

Exactly funinthesun

Legacy money which belongs to the OP… I think it's perfectly reasonable for OP to put the interests of herself and her 2 children first to be honest, in strictly financial terms.

The trickier aspect is that her DH has 3 children so he has to also consider that child. As does her mother. Maybe some sort of financial split between the 2 of them would be most equitable?

I take the point several posters have made that any money he puts into his children should be split three ways to be fair, but at the end of the day the 2 children he has with OP are benefiting from a stable home life with 2 parents and the continuous presence of a loving father. In the circumstances, I think they are still getting the better deal in the long run even if he spends £2K on his third child in this particular instance.

Can mum afford it? Seems a bit mean to only take her if her mum can afford it.

@kirinm

Can mum afford it? Seems a bit mean to only take her if her mum can afford it.

I think that’s the point. OP knows she probably can’t but this way she gets to have her holiday with her “real” children and feel pious about making “efforts” for the other.

And FYI another who is not a step parent/child etc so not projecting 🙄 just someone with a conscience.

@Haiyaa

I do see this side of it. It’s a difficult one, as the OP shouldn’t have to risk losing £2k, but insisting that the mum should pay up front could lead to DSD missing out. (The OP sounds a bit cold when she says she doesn’t care, it’s the mum’s fault. It isn’t DSD’s!!)

Would it be possible for her dad to pay half the cost out of his own funds, and the mum the other half?

All this is assuming that DSD actually wants to go. That isn’t at all clear. As she’s going to Florida separately with her own family, she may not.

As she’s going to Florida separately with her own family, she may not
Interesting suggestion here - if OP, her DF and DSibs aren't even her own family then what on earth have we been arguing about for 40 pages?

Can mum afford it? Seems a bit mean to only take her if her mum can afford it.

She doesn't have to afford it. She gets it back in full, as long as DD actually attends.

Well she has to afford the upfront payment, likely months before the trip even if she is to get it back. 🙄

You said you wanted to "make memories" with this trip. You'll certainly make one for your step daughter, one that she's definitely not part of your family despite sharing a father with your children if you don't offer.
She should be asked and the commitment she is making explained if she accepts to go. This time away with your family might be the gamechanger that cements a better relationship with the whole of your family in the future. If she passes on the opportunity then as least you tried.

I hope you manage to get it sorted op. I can't believe the number of pp posters piling in when they obviously haven't read the op properly.
Just an excuse to be bitchy.

Ffs the longer this gets the more the hard of understanding are commenting. The point is in all likelihood the dsc mum will put the kibosh on the trip when it's too late to cancel her ticket. It's not about leaving the child out. Hth.

@kirinm

Can mum afford it? Seems a bit mean to only take her if her mum can afford it.

I don’t know. That’s not my problem. She will have to find it. Put it all on a interest free credit card, borrow, beg. I don’t care.

She’s not wasting a penny of my money.

I may sound ‘cold’ but DSC mum never ever cares about anyone this end. She doesn’t care about my kids being upset that their sister couldn’t attend the Xmas holiday a few years ago last minute. She doesn’t care about making anything easier for us. Not once has she made things even a bit easier.

So if she would like her DSC to attend this amazing holiday then she needs to give a little due to her behaviour.

I will be totally honest and say I’d like DSC to come but if she doesn’t then I will still have a good time and so will my kids.