To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

@LizzieAnt

It's infuriating that her mother is apparently blameless and they're getting called all the names under the sun when the route cause of this issue is one bloody woman.

I don't think anyone thinks the mother is blameless in this case - I don't know why people keep saying this.

What she is is irrelevant to this situation.

The father's relationship with his daughter needs to be independent of his (non) relationship with her mother. It's not fair to blame or punish a child for her mother's behaviour.

I don't agree the OP's plan is a good one. If the relationship between the adults is as dysfunctional as she portrays it, then the plan's probably not going to work. The mother won't facilitate her ex in this way and the child will be the loser. And it will be both her parents' fault.

I think you need a different plan OP, if you seriously want to include your DSD in this holiday.

she's not at all irrelevant though - she is the soul cause of the issue.

Then when you factor in, you'll get the first wives club, who jump all over stepmothers who are being perfectly reasonable, because they're projecting their own situations and just want to lambast any SM they can, they make up a vast part of the 50% who say OP is BU
Its quite funny how it is always the ex wives who are in a club and project. They are of course always the one unreasonable! SMs never project their own situation!

How often do we read posts about teenagers who don't want to come and visit any longer. Of course, when that happens, it's again always the fault of the ex, couldnt have anything to do with trips taken out leaving the SCs behind because that never happens, and when it does, it was of course the ex's fault.

I do believe OP doesn't want her SD to come. If she did, and the only issue was a very strong belief that the ex would cancel at the last minute, she wouldn't have brought up that she was already going, that she wouldn't enjoy the rides, that she would be sulking and ruining the holiday for them. She would also already have spoken to DSD and asked her how she felt and whether she thought that her mum might have an issue for it.

Instead, she is opting for the one solution she already knows will result in non compliance, conveniently.

Its quite funny how it is always the ex wives who are in a club and project. They are of course always the one unreasonable! SMs never project their own situation!

it's so obvious though!

plus step mums often have experience of a situation, first wives don't.

I have direct experience of dealing with a woman like this - It's not easy and why should you ALWAYS take the fall for someone who cant behave properly?

Instead, she is opting for the one solution she already knows will result in non compliance, conveniently.

go on then, give us your solution where OP doesnt lose any money?

she's not at all irrelevant though - she is the soul cause of the issue
How do we know that when she hasn't even been told about the trip yet, the last time a trip was cancelled was 3 years ago, and for all that OP knows, she might indeed have had a reasonable reason for doin so. Even if she didnt and did so out of spite, there's a big difference in doing so when the child is 10 and still likely to believe her mother's excuses and when the child is 13 and very likely to question and rebel against the mum's decision if she has her heart set on going.

@vivainsomnia

she's not at all irrelevant though - she is the soul cause of the issue How do we know that when she hasn't even been told about the trip yet, the last time a trip was cancelled was 3 years ago, and for all that OP knows, she might indeed have had a reasonable reason for doin so. Even if she didnt and did so out of spite, there's a big difference in doing so when the child is 10 and still likely to believe her mother's excuses and when the child is 13 and very likely to question and rebel against the mum's decision if she has her heart set on going.

what do you mean how do we know that? her past behaviour is the cause of this issue. She has form for this.

If you knew a horse always lost would you back it? Would you balls.

And LOL at a 13 year old being able to see through it - adults get manipulated you know. DPs ex is like this and her 16 year old ds cannot see through it, her older son (not dps) cant even see through it and he is an adult.

Manipulative people are VERY clever at guilt tripping etc.

and how would a 13 year old catch an international flight against the will of their mother? How would you actually suggest that might happen?

plus step mums often have experience of a situation, first wives don't
Just as the ex wife will have a ot more experience of the lies or manipulation of their ex partner.

My ex twisted things so many times that led his partner to think I was unreasonable. It was quite laughable really. Everything was my fault. Until the tinted lenses came down and she got to be herself at the end of his lies and suddenly she realised that many things he claimed I'd sai and done were his own making up.

The SMs have experience of one side of the situation, the exes the other.

and how would a 13 year old catch an international flight against the will of their mother? How would you actually suggest that might happen?
Really? Let me see. She could arrange to go to her dad two days before they are due to go, with her passport. Stay there, so mum can't hold her back. I'm sure she could go to school and ask her dad to pick her up.

The main point is that at 13, she will challenge her mum if her mum was to be a bitch just to piss off OP, something that she was much less likely to do at 10.

*what do you mean how do we know that? her past behaviour is the cause of this issue. She has form for this.
*
Form for this? OP has said that she did it ONCE in her opening post, and this turned out to be 3 years ago. this means that she will have gone o holidays with OP and partner before and it wasn't an issue.

Let's focus on this one tim, years before, and just conclude that it's inevitable it will happen again...

@vivainsomnia

and how would a 13 year old catch an international flight against the will of their mother? How would you actually suggest that might happen? Really? Let me see. She could arrange to go to her dad two days before they are due to go, with her passport. Stay there, so mum can't hold her back. I'm sure she could go to school and ask her dad to pick her up.

The main point is that at 13, she will challenge her mum if her mum was to be a bitch just to piss off OP, something that she was much less likely to do at 10.

Lovely. And then the father gets charged with abduction.

You cannot take an under 16 out of the UK without the consent of those with parental responsibilty.

Form for this? OP has said that she did it ONCE in her opening post, and this turned out to be 3 years ago. this means that she will have gone o holidays with OP and partner before and it wasn't an issue.

OP later clarified this was one example and if she listed all the similar antics by the mother over the last ten years, she'd fill a full thread on her own.

she's not at all irrelevant though - she is the soul cause of the issue.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
Just to repeat -

The father's relationship with his daughter needs to be independent of his relationship with her mother. It's not fair to blame or punish a child for her mother's behaviour.

Just taking the OP's posts on face value - clearly the relationship between the parents is dysfunctional here. Why would a father allow the behaviour of someone he clearly doesn't like or get on with have any impact on how he behaves towards his daughter? How the mother behaves needs to be an irrelevant factor that does not impact on his treatment of his daughter. I know it's difficult but yes, he needs to be a grown-up about this.

I hope that's clearer.

@vivainsomnia

plus step mums often have experience of a situation, first wives don't Just as the ex wife will have a ot more experience of the lies or manipulation of their ex partner.

My ex twisted things so many times that led his partner to think I was unreasonable. It was quite laughable really. Everything was my fault. Until the tinted lenses came down and she got to be herself at the end of his lies and suddenly she realised that many things he claimed I'd sai and done were his own making up.

The SMs have experience of one side of the situation, the exes the other.

yes, and then project that on to the thread.

Just because your ex was an arsehole doesnt mean that op is an arsehole, but youre assuming the worse of her because of your experience.

I'm shocked to discover that @vivainsomnia has confirmed she's in the first wives club. Without her saying that, you would never have known.

@LizzieAnt

she's not at all irrelevant though - she is the soul cause of the issue.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
Just to repeat -

The father's relationship with his daughter needs to be independent of his relationship with her mother. It's not fair to blame or punish a child for her mother's behaviour.

Just taking the OP's posts on face value - clearly the relationship between the parents is dysfunctional here. Why would a father allow the behaviour of someone he clearly doesn't like or get on with have any impact on how he behaves towards his daughter? How the mother behaves needs to be an irrelevant factor that does not impact on his treatment of his daughter. I know it's difficult but yes, he needs to be a grown-up about this.

I hope that's clearer.

but that is not realistic is it?

she isnt irrelevant because she holds all the control

her dad cannot simply demand she goes on holiday - it just doesnt work like that.

the only thing he could potentially do is take her to court and get the majority of the time with her, but its v unlikely he would get more then 50/50 and therefore he cannot stop her controlling his daughter

what is your solution to this?

@vivainsomnia

and how would a 13 year old catch an international flight against the will of their mother? How would you actually suggest that might happen? Really? Let me see. She could arrange to go to her dad two days before they are due to go, with her passport. Stay there, so mum can't hold her back. I'm sure she could go to school and ask her dad to pick her up.

The main point is that at 13, she will challenge her mum if her mum was to be a bitch just to piss off OP, something that she was much less likely to do at 10.

oh right cos all 13 year olds know where their passport is kept and have access to it, especially those with controlling parents

oh right cos all 13 year olds know where their passport is kept and have access to it, especially those with controlling parents

But this is a solution according to first wives. It's completely ridiculous. But it directs blame at the father. Or the stepmother. Absurdity that is actually not even feasible.

My DS is 13. How the actual hell he'd physically get on any plane against my will baffles me. And if I'm a manipulative arse, all I need to do is phone on the morning of the holiday (mean girls Karen voice) "......(cough)....he's sick". Then go out for the day.

That's literally how easy it is for this woman. Who has ten years of messing them around under her belt.

Fingers crossed for OP

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
I think the dad needs to invite his daughter on the trip. He needs to include her, demonstrate that he loves and values her. If possible as pps have mentioned other compromises could be suggested - if she finds three weeks too long perhaps she could join them for a fortnight or so. (I don't know if she's mature enough to travel by plane alone and this would obviously have to be with her mother's agreement.)

Her dad, not the OP, should pay for her ticket, bookings etc. Explain to his daughter about the cost involved.

Include his daughter in the plans and discussions for this wonderful trip. Plan how to accommodate everyone's likes and dislikes (rides etc) as fairly as possible.

If the worst comes to the worst and daughter backs out at the last minute then dad will unfortunately have to take a financial hit. It's terrible, I know, but his relationship with his daughter won't take a hit and that's far more important imo.

I don't think OP's plan will work. Hoping I'm wrong, but she doesn't think it will work either (95% it won't she said) so that's not good.

[quote LizzieAnt]@Getyourarseofffthequattro
I think the dad needs to invite his daughter on the trip. He needs to include her, demonstrate that he loves and values her. If possible as pps have mentioned other compromises could be suggested - if she finds three weeks too long perhaps she could join them for a fortnight or so. (I don't know if she's mature enough to travel by plane alone and this would obviously have to be with her mother's agreement.)

Her dad, not the OP, should pay for her ticket, bookings etc. Explain to his daughter about the cost involved.

Include his daughter in the plans and discussions for this wonderful trip. Plan how to accommodate everyone's likes and dislikes (rides etc) as fairly as possible.

If the worst comes to the worst and daughter backs out at the last minute then dad will unfortunately have to take a financial hit. It's terrible, I know, but his relationship with his daughter won't take a hit and that's far more important imo.

I don't think OP's plan will work. Hoping I'm wrong, but she doesn't think it will work either (95% it won't she said) so that's not good.[/quote]
ah right, so its okay for dad to lose thousands because mum is a dick.

I mean, thats not a solution at all is it?

I dont think OPs plan will work because it is clear to me that mum does not want her daughter to go on trips with her dad.

Why would mum agree to it? shes getting exactly what she wants - but then she will do in all scenario's because again she holds all the cards here.

Your solution isnt a solution - its a sure fire way for the daughter to end up disspointed one way or another and dad to lose thousands - yayyyyy thatll be a happy and memorable time for everyone! problem solved!!

and youre deluded if you think their relationship wont be affected.

You know that adults have feelings too dont you? being repeatedly let down by your child does have an affect on a relationship and obviously mum will be in the background too trying actively to break down that relationship.

Honestly i dont think youve actually considered the reality of what will be happening in dsd's household.

It’s also clear that they have had to battle hard for whatever contact they have with the DSC, as her mum didn’t want them to have any contact at all. So she’s unlikely to want them to take her on an overseas holiday.

Because of this, I don’t think the OP’s strategy is likely to work, I’m afraid. All it will do is give DSD’s mum the means to say no whilst placing all the blame on the OP. She’ll just say, ‘She refused to pay for you to go; she wanted me to pay and I can’t afford it.’

The only way this will be possible would be if DSD really wants to go and her mum relents for her sake.

I dont think any strategy will work - if mum doesnt want it to happen it cant happen and that is the sad reality.

Or it might work and everyone might have a great time Getyourarseofffthequattro.
I know it's all very difficult. But if I was the father in this situation I would want my child to know her dad loves her, values her and wants to spend time with her.
Dad needs to put his daughter before his own hurt feelings - as I said he needs to be a grown-up. (Mum also obviously but she's not reading this so I'm focusing on dad.)

I think the dad needs to invite his daughter on the trip. He needs to include her, demonstrate that he loves and values her.

She is being invited. There's that covered.

Her dad, not the OP, should pay for her ticket, bookings etc.

So he should pay for one of his children, when he's not paying for his others. The non resident should be treated better than the resident children. Zero for DC1, zero for DC2, several thousand on DC3. The trip is only happening because OP has received an unexpected inheritance. The father's part is the same to all his children.

Include his daughter in the plans and discussions for this wonderful trip. Plan how to accommodate everyone's likes and dislikes (rides etc) as fairly as possible.

This will all be part of it if the invite is accepted.

If the worst comes to the worst and daughter backs out at the last minute then dad will unfortunately have to take a financial hit.

No. The mother can. Because if this was a resident child, they wouldn't get that option. But the mother can allow this at her whim.

It's terrible, I know, but his relationship with his daughter won't take a hit and that's far more important imo.

If the daughter doesn't go, then it's got nothing to do with the father. So their relationship won't take a hit. The invite is there. The mother just has to provide assurance that she's not going to be a dick this time, because many people will be upset and thousands will be lost.

I don't think OP's plan will work. Hoping I'm wrong, but she doesn't think it will work either (95% it won't she said) so that's not good.

But after ten years of this woman doing this sort of behaviour, this is all they're left with. Both father and child have to suffer the consequences of the mother's behaviour. The person with actual logistical control of DD is unreasonable. This mechanism wouldn't be in place if she was. OP could just book everyone's ticket in peace.

I don't think this plan will work either. Because if the mother pulls a stunt, for the first time, it impacts her. It tells OP that the stunt was indeed coming though, so she's just saved herself thousands, and not having to upset her children when they discover on the day that their sibling won't be coming anymore.

I just don't agree with you TwinsAndTrifle.