To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

What I meant to say there was the situation of her conception isn’t reflective of the child and shouldn’t affect how she’s treated.

@Kanaloa

**DSC was no more than a fuck when he was bored.

That doesn’t sound great to be honest. Her worth and her place in the family is in no way reflective of the child as a person or how her father should treat her. She’s as valuable and important as your children with DH.

That line has already been explained over and over. move on.

@Kanaloa

What I meant to say there was the situation of her conception isn’t reflective of the child and shouldn’t affect how she’s treated.

And it’s not.

Just like I’m not a bitter second wife.

I think under the circumstances it’s the only thing you can do.

She’s old enough to know the situation and the reasons why you are saying this.

I don't think anyone thinks the mother is blameless in this case - I don't know why people keep saying this.

What she is is irrelevant to this situation.

What the actual?

She is the cause of the situation, to everyone's detriment bar her.

So now, she's being made accountable for her own actions and the following consequences for her DD, rather than pretending they are as a result of OP or her DH.

And after OP has had ten years of this, about bloody time.

I didn’t say you were a bitter second wife? You do sound extremely defensive, and I think that comment (a fuck when he was bored) shows that. If you’re happy with your solution and feel it will work well for everyone in your family that’s great and hope you have a lovely holiday.

Right I’m going to thank everyone for all the input... even some of the utter nonsense replies like losing a couple of grand is just ‘not ideal’

We have come up with a plan. If the DSC mother won’t agree then that’s the end off it! We will get on with booking our holiday and have a great time either way.

Actions have consequences and DSC mum can make this choice now because of her actions.

Thank you too all of those that actually understand where I am coming from. There is a lot of hate for step mums... apparently they cant even be gifted money! Who knew.

@Kanaloa

I didn’t say you were a bitter second wife? You do sound extremely defensive, and I think that comment (a fuck when he was bored) shows that. If you’re happy with your solution and feel it will work well for everyone in your family that’s great and hope you have a lovely holiday.

The comment you decided to pick out was one I wrote in reply to a poster calling me a bitter second ex wife after I had already said DSC wasn’t a wife or even a gf so it clearly needed further clarity!

I will have a great holiday either way.

DSC mum**

Good sake. Everytime I write DSC mum it autocorrects back to just DSC.

Please update with what the mum says.

Good luck

I invited my daughter to Glastonbury, with artists camping and backstage everything at age 13 because we were in a position to take her as EXDH was performing. She loves live music and loved being on tour but decided at the last minute not to come because of something her friends were doing. I have never let her forget it (she is now nearly 22) and yes I did take her half brother, these are my own kids and no way would I stop my son having the experience because his sister decided she didn't like me that week...

I now have a stepson, and his mother positively delights in creating problems the second she gets wind that we might have a plan to take him somewhere/or do something nice. Christmas requires more plan B than the aftermath of an American frat party...

I have a small place abroad that I've been taking my son to to for years, and as soon as restrictions allow I will be taking him again. I will also be making plans for my stepson to join us, but have made it very clear to my partner that if his ex creates problems around that holiday then me and my son will be going by ourselves as we always have done and I will not in any way feel bad about that. I will not waste hundreds of pounds on the off-chance he might be allowed to attend, nor will I pay hundreds of pounds in case she allows him to come with us last minute.

I like my stepson very much, enjoy his company, and would be very happy for him to join us, what I won't do is have one second more of my sons life disrupted or dictated by a person whose purpose in life feels like (I appreciate she may not see it this way) ruining any happiness her son could have with his father is more important than him being genuinely happy.

That felt good.

@Twoforthree

Please update with what the mum says.

Good luck

Thank you.

I will update after the weekend once we have sent her the message.

Goodnight or day to all! it’s officially bed time.

@Yesitsbess

I invited my daughter to Glastonbury, with artists camping and backstage everything at age 13 because we were in a position to take her as EXDH was performing. She loves live music and loved being on tour but decided at the last minute not to come because of something her friends were doing. I have never let her forget it (she is now nearly 22) and yes I did take her half brother, these are my own kids and no way would I stop my son having the experience because his sister decided she didn't like me that week...

I now have a stepson, and his mother positively delights in creating problems the second she gets wind that we might have a plan to take him somewhere/or do something nice. Christmas requires more plan B than the aftermath of an American frat party...

I have a small place abroad that I've been taking my son to to for years, and as soon as restrictions allow I will be taking him again. I will also be making plans for my stepson to join us, but have made it very clear to my partner that if his ex creates problems around that holiday then me and my son will be going by ourselves as we always have done and I will not in any way feel bad about that. I will not waste hundreds of pounds on the off-chance he might be allowed to attend, nor will I pay hundreds of pounds in case she allows him to come with us last minute.

I like my stepson very much, enjoy his company, and would be very happy for him to join us, what I won't do is have one second more of my sons life disrupted or dictated by a person whose purpose in life feels like (I appreciate she may not see it this way) ruining any happiness her son could have with his father is more important than him being genuinely happy.

That felt good.

👏👏👏

I do wish you luck too OP, but just reminding you that this is what you said upthread -

I’m 95% sure she won’t give us the money but it’s all on her then.

Notwithstanding the poor behaviour of the mother it seems you're setting up a plan here that's almost bound to fail. You know this and don't care because mum has it coming.

A child deserves better from her parents and step-parent.

@Ohanaa
I think A 13/14/15 year old being away from home is very different to a

I would have a conversation with the child and mum, I would say we are all going to Disney for 3 weeks, next year. Do you think you would be ok away from your mum on holiday with us, ask mum if mum is ok too, you can say your worried that you will say yes now but no nearer the time. She may feel that she wants to go now, but nearer the time has a wobble and doesn't want too. You also could say if you don't want to come, and we book it without you, that you will put some money aside for her to treat her,

@Ohanaa

Right I’m going to thank everyone for all the input... even some of the utter nonsense replies like losing a couple of grand is just ‘not ideal’

We have come up with a plan. If the DSC mother won’t agree then that’s the end off it! We will get on with booking our holiday and have a great time either way.

Actions have consequences and DSC mum can make this choice now because of her actions.

Thank you too all of those that actually understand where I am coming from. There is a lot of hate for step mums... apparently they cant even be gifted money! Who knew.

Your choice of words makes it sound very clear that you hope DSD's mum is difficult so that you don't have to include her.

I feel for the child at the centre of all of this. Feeling second best compared to your half siblings is very damaging. I could not love a man who allowed this to happen.

@VanGoghsDog

Never had a someone you sleep with now and again?

Never managed to get pregnant from it and never did it because a bloke was bored.

I’m confused Van Gogh, who are you judging now, the ex?

Your plan sounds good OP. I just hope she doesn’t say yea, then change her mind and you’re stuck with options of losing money or forcing someone to go who undoubtedly doesn’t want to.

I feel for you.

You’re doing a wonderful job. I hope you get to enjoy this holiday you’ve worked hard for

Your plan sounds good OP. I just hope she doesn’t say yea, then change her mind and you’re stuck with options of losing money or forcing someone to go who undoubtedly doesn’t want to.

But she doesn't lose out. This way, if the daughter is prevented from going, the mother loses out. As she rightly should. She can waste her own money because of her stunts. OP and DH have had this enough for the last ten years.

And the daughter will see who actually obstructs the relationship with her father.

Either way is rubbish for the child. But at least this way OP doesn't have to throw away thousands and have the blame wrongly put at her door.

Looking forward to the update OP!

We have found a solution that works for us. She stumps up for DSC to come and we will refund the minute the plane touches down in Florida. If that doesn’t work for her then tough basically. The ball will be in her court

This is so laughable. If the relationship is as bad as you claim, it almost inevitable that she thinks you guys are as unreasonable as you think she is. There are always ,always, two sides of these stories. She most likely don't trust you anymore than you trust her and you know that. You know perfectly well that the likelihood of her forking that money, assuming she even has it in the first place to do so, is almost nil because she won't trust that you will refund it, anymore than you trust that she will let your DSD go.

But it clears your conscience. You found the solution that is most likely to fail which is what you want, it's become obvious on this thread. You will blame mum, 100% her fault, conscience clear, sorry DSD, we so wanted to take you but it's all your mum's fault that you aren't. Except that DSD is now 13 and will draw her own conclusion. She will get both sides of the story and will be able to work out the wrongs of both sides. You can bet that she will work out that you came up with a plan that was never going to work. Her mum will say that of course she would have let her go, even forked out the money if only she had it.

You'll have a great time away, but you can already mark your relationship with your SDS. You can bet that will change her feelings for her dad and you for sometime if not forever, and the irony is that if you'd just spoken to her, she might very well have said she didn't want to go, but all she'll remember is that you put unfair conditions on her mum knowing that this way, it would never happen, and she'll quickly put two and two together, just like most posters here have.

@freckles20 yes nothing to do with the ex and her bad behaviour. It's like secretly the op wants all this drama that's not been caused by her and the DSC not to go totally 😵‍💫 how on earth have you got that from this thread.

She totally signed up for a ex that sounds as mad as a box of frogs and to essentially be a doormat.

I couldn't be with a man who expected me to be a doormat and not hold his ex accountable tbh. What a hideous role model you must be to believe that.

One day the DSC will know it wasn't the SM or dad that caused this, she will realise it was her mum. Which is exactly where the blame lies.

@LizzieAnt she's holding the mother to account because she's giving her a opportunity to be a good mother. I think the mum should be thanking her personally

and she'll quickly put two and two together, just like most posters here have.

Well that's twisting things to suit your argument, isn't it. Personally I somewhat agree that OPs plan is likely to fail so I would go about things differently, but "most posters" have not come to the same conclusions as you. I'd say the comments were closer to 50/50 against and for OP.

I'd say the comments were closer to 50/50 against and for OP.

Then when you factor in, you'll get the first wives club, who jump all over stepmothers who are being perfectly reasonable, because they're projecting their own situations and just want to lambast any SM they can, they make up a vast part of the 50% who say OP is BU.

Either way, OP gets her real answer this weekend. As opposed to in a years time at the expense of thousands of her inheritance.

@TwinsAndTrifle I agree with the points you've made. OP & her DH are best placed to read and deal with the situation and relationships they're in, and will make their decision accordingly.