To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

You don't both have DSC...your DH has a DC & you have a DSC. Let him speak to his ex & DC about it & that if she opts to go, then she is going. She may say no & that ends the matter. Generally tho I think to exclude stepchildren is an unfortunate & unkind trait in step parents. Happy & secure though you may be, just think were it your children being sidelined. So talk it out & take it from there but the decision to include his child or not should be his. Hopefully he can make her feel secure & that she is welcome & will have fun as a family & she might then like to go.

@Anyusernameleft

You don't both have DSC...your DH has a DC & you have a DSC. Let him speak to his ex & DC about it & that if she opts to go, then she is going. She may say no & that ends the matter. Generally tho I think to exclude stepchildren is an unfortunate & unkind trait in step parents. Happy & secure though you may be, just think were it your children being sidelined. So talk it out & take it from there but the decision to include his child or not should be his. Hopefully he can make her feel secure & that she is welcome & will have fun as a family & she might then like to go.

Again your assumption is that the mother is reasonable and open to discussion.

If you'd read the thread you'd know she is not.

@flanbeck

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Do you not see the irony of your own argument?

If the mum had spent the last 10 years being reasonable and facilitating a good relationship with her child's father (such as encouraging her to accept holiday invitations and not wasting significant sums of money throwing away trainers etc) then nobody would be in this position.

This is not a situation of the OP's making.

She wasn't the OW. The mother wasn't an Ex wife. The mother wanted the father to walk away.

He had to go to court for access.

But by all means direct your distain at the OP and her DH.

@LizzieAnt

No comment about her mother's behaviour then?

Ideally, how a person's father treats them should not be dependent on their mother's behaviour.

This isn't an ideal situation is it. They've made a plan for how to invite the dsd, they aren't treating her badly because of her mother. They're having to work around her mother.

It's infuriating that her mother is apparently blameless and they're getting called all the names under the sun when the route cause of this issue is one bloody woman.

@flanbeck

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No, that's not what we're saying. Were saying ops plan is a good idea. They've included the daughter and given the mother the options. The ball is in her court. They don't stand to loose thousands and nor do they have to exclude the dsd due to the abhorrent behaviour of her mother.

If her mother declines it's on her.

If she can be a reasonable human being and manage to put her child first, then there is no problem.

In reality I can't imagine anyone putting thousands on the line when they know the person involved actively wants to waste that money. Frankly nobody in their right mind would do that because the outcome for the child is the same, they still have a shit mother and no holiday, don't they?

"Not that I care but DSC was no more then a fuck when my husband was bored."

Wow!

Let him speak to his ex & DC about it & that if she opts to go, then she is going.

Except that's what's happened before. Then the mother cancels. Her word counts for squat.

Not that I care but DSC was no more then a fuck when my husband was bored.

Well, he sounds like a gem and you sound as if you suit each other well.

@Nononsense2

"Not that I care but DSC was no more then a fuck when my husband was bored."

Wow!

Iv already said this should say DSC mum. Not actual DSC obviously.

And it’s in reply to a poster saying bitter second wife about myself do I could say ‘Wow’ too.

Just saying the truth when someone wants to bang on about how bitter I must be about being a 2nd wife when infant it’s the furthest thing from the truth.

@VanGoghsDog

Not that I care but DSC was no more then a fuck when my husband was bored.

Well, he sounds like a gem and you sound as if you suit each other well.

Never had a someone you sleep with now and again?

I have. Casual sex isn’t a crime.

I genuinely cannot believe what I’m reading from some posters here

You attacking and calling the OP some kind of evil vindictive step mum leaving out her DSD when the OP has made it clear numerous times her DSD is very much a part of their family but HER MOTHER has changed her mind / sabotages their holiday plans in the past and the OP is worried that she’ll end up losing £1000+ if her mum pulls that shit again. How is the OP on the wrong and the DSD mother blameless when she’s the one who stops her daughter enjoying holidays with her dad and her other family.

OP i think your idea is a good one. Maybe consider asking for a “deposit” or 50% of the trip if she can’t afford the full thing. Enough that it’s a significant amount so it puts her off playing silly games but doesn’t make you look like you’re being unreasonable / intentionally asking for something she can’t afford so DSD can’t come regardless.

*No, that's not what we're saying. Were saying ops plan is a good idea. They've included the daughter and given the mother the options. The ball is in her court. They don't stand to loose thousands and nor do they have to exclude the dsd due to the abhorrent behaviour of her mother.

If her mother declines it's on her.

If she can be a reasonable human being and manage to put her child first, then there is no problem.

In reality I can't imagine anyone putting thousands on the line when they know the person involved actively wants to waste that money. Frankly nobody in their right mind would do that because the outcome for the child is the same, they still have a shit mother and no holiday, don't they?*

^ absolutely spot on.

Never had a someone you sleep with now and again?

Never managed to get pregnant from it and never did it because a bloke was bored.

It's infuriating that her mother is apparently blameless and they're getting called all the names under the sun when the route cause of this issue is one bloody woman.

I don't think anyone thinks the mother is blameless in this case - I don't know why people keep saying this.

What she is is irrelevant to this situation.

The father's relationship with his daughter needs to be independent of his (non) relationship with her mother. It's not fair to blame or punish a child for her mother's behaviour.

I don't agree the OP's plan is a good one. If the relationship between the adults is as dysfunctional as she portrays it, then the plan's probably not going to work. The mother won't facilitate her ex in this way and the child will be the loser. And it will be both her parents' fault.

I think you need a different plan OP, if you seriously want to include your DSD in this holiday.

@VanGoghsDog

Never had a someone you sleep with now and again?

Never managed to get pregnant from it and never did it because a bloke was bored.

Well done you 👍

@VanGoghsDog

Never had a someone you sleep with now and again?

Never managed to get pregnant from it and never did it because a bloke was bored.

Well done for taking adequate contraception? Round of applause for you.

Maybe she was bored at the time too. Who knows and who actually cares. It was before me and I have knocks on my own bed post.

@LizzieAnt

It's infuriating that her mother is apparently blameless and they're getting called all the names under the sun when the route cause of this issue is one bloody woman.

I don't think anyone thinks the mother is blameless in this case - I don't know why people keep saying this.

What she is is irrelevant to this situation.

The father's relationship with his daughter needs to be independent of his (non) relationship with her mother. It's not fair to blame or punish a child for her mother's behaviour.

I don't agree the OP's plan is a good one. If the relationship between the adults is as dysfunctional as she portrays it, then the plan's probably not going to work. The mother won't facilitate her ex in this way and the child will be the loser. And it will be both her parents' fault.

I think you need a different plan OP, if you seriously want to include your DSD in this holiday.

No. It will be her mums fault and only her mums fault.

Actions have consequences and if she grew the fuck up then we wouldn’t be in this mess.

So if she can’t own her own shitty behaviour and put her money where her mouth is for the sake of her child then it’s on her.

Rubbish

Poor child.

@LizzieAnt how is the mother irrelevant to the situation?! She has decided in the past that the DSD isn’t going on holiday with Op / her dad. She presumably has the dsd passport (I can’t see that she’s likely to let the ops DH have it!) so if she refuses to let ops dsd go the OP and her DH are pretty fucked. The child still doesn’t get a holiday and the OP might of well just have burnt a grand but yeah the mother is irrelevant
And the op / her DH are evil 🙄

@LizzieAnt

Rubbish

Why? Because you don’t agree.

We have spoke at length tonight. This is the only option we will be offering DSC mum. It’s her choice.

**DSC was no more than a fuck when he was bored.

That doesn’t sound great to be honest. Her worth and her place in the family is in no way reflective of the child as a person or how her father should treat her. She’s as valuable and important as your children with DH.