To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

[Ohanaa]

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

@LizzieAnt

Or it might work and everyone might have a great time Getyourarseofffthequattro. I know it's all very difficult. But if I was the father in this situation I would want my child to know her dad loves her, values her and wants to spend time with her. Dad needs to put his daughter before his own hurt feelings - as I said he needs to be a grown-up. (Mum also obviously but she's not reading this so I'm focusing on dad.)

mmm, somehow i doubt it. This has been going on TEN YEARS what on earth makes you think it will be all happy families now?

Right, i see so lets all screw dad over to make sure DSD is momentarily happy until her mother pisses all over it.

Lets hurt two people for the fun of it, yayyyy!

I can tell you have never been in this situation because there comes a point where you have to take off your rose tinted glasses and work with the often very shitty reality that you have.

He does not have to waste thousands of pounds to "prove" his love for her. Its insane to suggest that this trip represents his love entirely and nothing else does, or will do.

I didn't suggest that though.

I do think she'll be very, very hurt if she's not invited or not invited in a meaningful way that has some chance of working.

I do believe OP doesn't want her SD to come. If she did, and the only issue was a very strong belief that the ex would cancel at the last minute, she wouldn't have brought up that she was already going, that she wouldn't enjoy the rides, that she would be sulking and ruining the holiday for them. She would also already have spoken to DSD and asked her how she felt and whether she thought that her mum might have an issue for it.

Every single one of those points is relevant as they increase the likelihood of a last minute pull out.

Dm wants her holiday to be the special one - she's more likely to pull her out.

Not wanting to go on the rides - Dm fills her head with the idea she'll have a terrible time because she hates rides and she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to/doesn't support Ops DH in saying cold feet isn't an excuse not to go when tickets are paid for and it won't be as bad as she thinks. She gets pulled out.

She's miserable the whole time - winner for mum who can use it against DH. He took her on a holiday she didn't even want to go one, guilted her by saying they'd lose money and clearly doesn't care about her feelings. Should have let her stay and that's the last time she's backing him up.

None of those are beyond the possibility when dealing with someone that has been problematic. It really doesn't take much imagination to see why Op considers those details relevant, and that's without all of the backstory.

It's also not unreasonable to want to speak to DSCs Dm first rather than getting DSDs hopes up, watch them get dashed by her mum, and then be accused of deliberately alienating her. Not to mention the impact that will also have on DSDs relationship with her Dm. Adults discussing finances and making the decision is better than involving a young teen before it's even certain that there's an option that won't leave op burning £2k on an empty plane seat and unused park tickets.

Her dad, not the OP, should pay for her ticket, bookings etc. Explain to his daughter about the cost involved.
So he foots the entire bill for one of his 3 DCs but mum pays for the other two? Thats not treating his children equally either.

The issue isn't Op paying if she chooses to do so. The issue is OP's money being wasted by things which are completely out of her control.

Would it be worth extending the invite, and if / when her mum says she isn't coming next year, change ticket to one of DC10s friends, so the cost isn't "lost"?

@LizzieAnt

I didn't suggest that though.

I do think she'll be very, very hurt if she's not invited or not invited in a meaningful way that has some chance of working.

lol, but there is no way that has some chance of working?

[quote Hppymum123]**@LizzieAnt* couldn’t agree with you more, the more I read I wouldn’t even be surprised if @Getyourarseofffthequattro* IS the OP 😂😂😂[/quote]
original. reported.

So he foots the entire bill for one of his 3 DCs but mum pays for the other two? Thats not treating his children equally either.

Just to address this point because it's come up a few times now - if only one of my children needs shoes, I don't buy them all shoes 'because it wouldn't be fair otherwise'.
Only the one who needs them gets them.

This father will be supporting his children for many years to come. I'm sure he can work out a way of supporting them all equally in the long term.

A new pair of shoes is not the same as a luxury costing thousands

It’s all very well all these suggestions of what OP can do, but she isn’t in control in anyway. Neither is Dad.
It doesn’t matter how nicely they ask and whether they involve DSD more, explain to her more, beg her etc.

100% mum holds all the cards. Full stop. You can’t force someone to make a decision they don’t agree with. If Mum doesn’t want her to go, she won’t. If mum wants to pretend she’s going and then change her mind the day before, she can.

It doesn’t matter if it’s OP or her DH who pays if the money is just wasted anyways. I don’t believe anyone would spend that kind of money on the off chance she might actually be allowed to come.

You ask and let DSC make the decision! What message does that send if you exclude her?

By the sounds of it she will probably say No but she has been asked which is the main thing!

My Dsis has a step child and would NEVER exclude them and that is the right way to go about it.

It's the same principle though Youseethethingis.

You ask and let DSC make the decision! What message does that send if you exclude her?

And that decision being yes, counts for zero, in terms of her actually attending. As OP has learned, at hers/DHs expense, for the last ten years.

The mother isn't getting an opportunity to cause more upset and disruption for an 11th. Bravo for finally taking a stand OP, and putting the accountability where it lies.

@Esmereldapawpatrol

Neither would my DSis have excluded her DSS whilst he was growing up (he’s a 24 year old adult with his own family now!). But his mum wouldn’t have dreamed of standing in his way of going on holiday with them, so it isn’t a comparable situation.

I agree that the OP should make it clear to her DSD that she would love her to go with them and let her decide. But the problem is that doesn’t guarantee that her mum won’t say no at the last minute hence costing them a lot of money.

It's really not.
One is needed when it is needed, and is a parents duty to provide when needed.
Clearly a holiday of this type is not needed, nor is it provided on an individual basis.
He's getting off with paying half for the other kids because OP has lost a relative, not because it's not his responsibility to pay their way too.
No matter how you dress it, he would be taking his pot of money available to his children and spending thousands of it on on but not the others.

100% mum holds all the cards. Full stop. You can’t force someone to make a decision they don’t agree with. If Mum doesn’t want her to go, she won’t. If mum wants to pretend she’s going and then change her mind the day before, she can.

Agreed, but approaching Mum on the subject by saying... we want you to pay £2000 (or whatever) to book this trip because you're always messing us around...if DD ends up going we'll pay you back ..well, it's a fairly aggressive approach that even the OP thinks is very unlikely to work.

Ideally all the adults here could start behaving themselves and thinking of what's best for the child in question. It can be done.

Sorry, don't agree with you there Youseethethingis.

"No matter how you dress it, he would be taking his pot of money available to his children and spending thousands of it on on but not the others.*

Yup. On a child that has been enabled to not attend things because her mother supports her cancelling on things because DD doesn't fancy it now. As opposed to (eg) "Your father has paid for, and taken time off work to arrange this horse riding lesson you specifically said you wanted to go on, so 'i can't be arsed now' is not ok". But more to the point, on a child who's mother will deliberately prevent from going.

What fabulous justification to (first of all find from somewhere and then) spend thousands on this child, whilst denying that to his others.

Ideally all the adults here could start behaving themselves and thinking of what's best for the child in question. It can be done

well mum does, because she is the one standing in the way of it, nobody else.

Agreed, but approaching Mum on the subject by saying... we want you to pay £2000 (or whatever) to book this trip because you're always messing us around...if DD ends up going we'll pay you back ..well, it's a fairly aggressive approach that even the OP thinks is very unlikely to work.

Yeah, that's how it's going to be worded.

OP, as do the rest of us, think it's not going to work, because the mother won't let her own obstructive behaviour affect her own pocket. Zero to do with how sensibly the message is delivered. She already knows she'll pull the usual fuckaboutery, and that's only ok when she gets to waste thousands of OPs money.

@LizzieAnt you don't need to agree. It's a simple fact of what would happen.
The whys, how's, rights and wrongs are a different matter.

@TwinsAndTrifle
While I agree it might be phrased a little differently , that is the core message. And it's one that most would find unacceptable tbh.

If the mother pulls a stunt, for the first time, it impacts her. It tells OP that the stunt was indeed coming

I said this yesterday, it's exactly right. The mother will only suffer a financial hit if she pulls a stunt; if she has no intention of pulling a stunt this time and is genuinely happy for DSD to go, then it won't cost the mother a penny in the long run. It's essentially a deposit.

It's absolutely a reasonable approach for OP to take, given that it's her money. She gets to decide how she wants to spend it, and don't forget she is actually willing to spend her legacy money on DSD (a girl she is not related to and who she doesn't live with).

The only thing she isn't willing to do is waste the money because either DSD or her mother decides that DSD isn't going to go on the trip. Trying to introduce some means of ensuring that doesn't happen is perfectly reasonable behaviour on OP's part.

Well if everyone keeps arguing we'd better hope the OP is willing to start another thread to tell us what the outcome was cos this one is not going to last out the day at this rate....

[quote LizzieAnt]@TwinsAndTrifle
While I agree it might be phrased a little differently , that is the core message. And it's one that most would find unacceptable tbh.[/quote]
just about as unacceptable as most would find wasting thousands of pounds i imagine.