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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

999 replies

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 09:00

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 12/07/2021 09:22

Can you have a direct conversation with her and her mum about the trip. Say you would all love her to come but wanted to ask her if she can commit to coming.

Maybe in the lead up you could try to arrange a few longer stays at your house with you to get her used to having longer away from home.

Can you talk to her about what would make her feel comfortable being away from home longer?

I wouldn’t feel comfortable not inviting a child in the family to such a significant holiday. Though I can of course understand not wanting to waste the money.

EileenGC · 12/07/2021 09:23

No, insurance doesn’t cover someone ‘changing their mind’.

Flexible flights and hotel bookings do, but booking a flexible plane fare has traditionally costed 3x that of a normal fare. Now with Covid it might not be more expensive, but it will allow for a change/s of dates, not a complete refund.

I agree, if the mum wants to sign her up for the trip, she needs to pay a deposit of some sort. If she has form for pulling the girl out last minute, then she can’t be trusted not to do it again.

Fuckitfuckit · 12/07/2021 09:24

Have you considered the damage it would do to your SD if she knew you were all going to Disney and didn't invite her?

I think there's a possibility you can get a court order to get permission for such trips if you want certainty that the mum can't just back out at the last minute.

I'd honestly be annoyed at the situation being what it is, but paying for DDs place is pretty much immovable. Whether she goes or not is a bit out of your hands, but the level of hurt she feels is not.

SpaceRaiders · 12/07/2021 09:24

I think you should still invite her, but make it clear if she agrees and trip is booked she has to go through with it.

Pinchoftums · 12/07/2021 09:24

If you can't afford to include her (and take the hit if she doesn't come) then make it a less big trip. It's a ridiculous amount of money anyway.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 12/07/2021 09:25

A 13 year old girl would definitely still enjoy Disney and may well get more enjoyment out of the rides and so on than the younger ones.

OllyBJolly · 12/07/2021 09:25

OP, if this was the about the cost, I'd tell you to head over to www.thedibb.co.uk and find ways to book that would make it much more flexible and value for money. We took 11 family members to Disney and chopped and changed up until the last minute. The changes cost us £200.

But it's not about the cost, is it? You don't want her to come because you want to play happy families with her dad and your "real" children. Poor child.

lugeanjaam · 12/07/2021 09:25

Personally I would feel better about risking losing thousands than excluding my SC and knowing what emotional baggage that will leave her with for the rest of her life.

Please invite her.

ThePlantsitter · 12/07/2021 09:26

If you do this, the memories you will be making for your children are of leaving their sister out of an experience they'll remember all their lives. Either they are just as disposable or she is a second class sort of person. That's the message.

HasaDigaEebowai · 12/07/2021 09:26

Could you plan your holiday so that it overlaps with her holiday with her mum. That way you get a week of your holiday with just you and your DC (timed so that its when they are there already) and then DSD gets to join you for the final two weeks. That way you would also only have a one way flight to pay for (or the cost of amending her return flight which would be even less) and if her mum hasn't yet bought her park ticket you could arrange to get the 21 day ticket between you which costs less.

EileenGC · 12/07/2021 09:28

@HasaDigaEebowai

To be fair most Disney holidays are booked as packages and it is thousands per person. A 13 year old is an adult on Disney pricing.
Exactly.

Not to mention removing one person from a group flight booking at the last minute, can be quite a hassle. And depending on the airline, you want to do it so they don’t cancel your return flights because their online system has recorded a partial no-show on the outbound.

I don’t know many people who would be happy to lose thousands of pounds on booking a flight that might not be used. Yes OP has the money anyway, it doesn’t mean it needs to be spent on nothing, ‘just in case’.

hellywelly3 · 12/07/2021 09:28

You absolutely have to invite her. It’s irrelevant whether she comes or not, don’t think of it as a waste of money

Wbeezer · 12/07/2021 09:28

Id be a bit concerned about the mother not letting her go in case it takes the shine off her trip in October with her Nan etc. Especially if hers is a more modest trip. You could risk inviting her with the expectation the mother would refuse on that basis?
I think DS giving her spending money for her trip with her Nan is a good idea.

Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 09:30

For the posters that have mentioned about giving her money for when she goes away with her mum... we always give her spending money when she goes away with her mum. Every time she has gone abroad with her mum we have gave her US dollars or euros as a gift and bought a few items of clothing of her choice to take with her.

We change the money up before so her mum doesn’t have to mess around doing it either.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 12/07/2021 09:30

But it's not about the cost, is it? You don't want her to come because you want to play happy families with her dad and your "real" children. Poor child
That's quite a leap Confused

SallySycamore · 12/07/2021 09:30

I think (a) she should definitely be invited, but (b) three weeks is a very long time if she's never been away with you/away from her mum for that long.

I think you'll have to ask her and see what she says. Pulling out last minute isn't good, but I think if she does want to come you'll have to be prepared for maybe a bit of homesickness and a few tears and a panic before you go which her dad (and you) will have to help her get through. Hopefully she'll have a lovely time with you if she decides to go, but it's a long holiday to do as a first one.

Oldbutstillgotit · 12/07/2021 09:31

Of course you must invite her !!
A few years ago , DGS came home from his Dad’s very excited as his step siblings were talking about a trip to Florida and he - understandably- assumed he would be going. DD contacted her ex to be told no, it was only DC with new partner as she wanted a “ family “ holiday plus it would be too expensive.
I offered to pay for DGS but no .
He rarely sees his Dad now.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 12/07/2021 09:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 12/07/2021 09:31

of course you should invite
but why 3 weeks?

MissMissTorrance · 12/07/2021 09:32

Your 3 week jaunt certainly puts the mum's five day break away in the shadeHmm.
If I was the mother I'd feel pretty peeved you were offering a better holiday tbh.
I do think dsc needs to be included on the holiday though and I wouldn't stop her going if I was her mother and she wanted to.

GameSetMatch · 12/07/2021 09:32

I’d talk to her about it, ask if she would like to go or prefer a night away with her Dad at Alton towers or wherever. She might make it easier for you anyway….

Lulu1919 · 12/07/2021 09:32

Invite but explain it's not a back out kinda holiday due to the cost etc
Her DH to talk to her mum

Handsoffstrikesagain · 12/07/2021 09:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MintMatchmaker · 12/07/2021 09:33

Tell your SD the plans and that it will be for 3 weeks. Let her talk through with her dad about being away from her Mum for that amount of time and see how she feels. If she’s unsure you could then give her the option of money to take on her trip with her Mum instead.

I understand your concerns but you can’t not invite her.

Sisisimone · 12/07/2021 09:33

Id be a bit concerned about the mother not letting her go in case it takes the shine off her trip in October with her Nan etc. Especially if hers is a more modest trip
I was thinking exactly this. It could be construed as you booking it on purpose to piss her off if its already booked. It won't seem as special a trip for them if you've booked it a couple of months earlier. It's like those threads were someone has had a big family wedding booked for years and then their sister later decides to book theirs for the week before