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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite step child to Disneyworld next year?

999 replies

Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 09:00

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together. (7&10)

We go away most years on some sort of holiday... Weekend U.K. break, abroad, U.K. theme parks etc. We Always invite DSC but they have never wanted to be away from their mum or their mum has said no.

We are looking to book 3 weeks in Florida & universal for next year.

Aibu not to invite DSC this time? I can see her mum saying yes and then saying no at the last moment (she had done this once before).

I don’t want to waste money to be honest.

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2021 09:51

When you tell her it’s 3 weeks she’ll probably say no. At 13 she’ll know her mum won’t let her, either from the start or nearer the time.

It’s OP’s money, she’s being sensible not to want to waste it given the extensive history of DSD dropping out before other trips.

Money wasted on a ticket that won’t be used is money that could benefit all of the children on another day.

She’s not evil, cold or heartless.

And as to the “real” children comment? OP only has two children. Her husband has 3. Step mums get an even harder time than this when they try and pretend their steps are theirs, that they get much say in how they’re brought up. If this child was OP’s real child she wouldn’t be wasting money on holidays that the child then ducks out of at the last minute inconveniencing everyone.

LetItBe80 · 12/07/2021 09:52

Everything AnneLovesGilbert says….

DishingOutDone · 12/07/2021 09:54

These threads in AIBU always seem to go the same way, the step parent must be wicked and unreasonable. Step parent here sounds entirely sensible, and she'd have exactly the same quandary if one of her own children aged 13 had form for refusing to go on family holidays at the last minute.

Oh and I see the priceless comment "you didn't earn this money" has gone under the radar. The OP has received a gift so is somehow not entitled to use it as she wishes, or maybe not entitled to it at all.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who remembers the thread where an OP had inherited a few hundred pounds and wanted to take a small DD on a treat and she was told unless she shelled out some cash to compensate her older step sons she was the spawn of the devil.

Maybe the reluctant SD could be taken out under cover of darkness in the middle of the night and delivered to Disney without her consent. Would that be fair then? Or do posters simply want OP to spend what will easily be a couple of thousand and then lose that money - even though no one in their right mind would allow their own NT and biological 13 year old child to fuck about like that?

absolutecarnage · 12/07/2021 09:55

Of course you invite her.

You invite her and you make sure that child knows she is welcome and included in this holiday.

You have a word with the mother and put it out there on the table that this is on her to decide whether she’s going to take that opportunity away from her child. She either says yes now, in which you buy, or she says no. What she does later on is blood on her hands - You put it on her to decide that, not you and DP. You make sure that child knows she is wanted and included.

FootieFever22 · 12/07/2021 09:55

We have 1 DSC (13) and 2 DC together

What a very telling first line.

He or she your husband's child so "we" don't have a DSC.

Greenrubber · 12/07/2021 09:55

Wow I can't believe so many people calling you the bad guy when the mum has form for cancelling last minute!
It's alot of money to throw away I certainly would not entertain wasting so much money!
Personally I would ask the mum and make sure there is an arrangement to pay the deposit and if she says no then that's that

it's her choice of she has the intention of letting her go then she won't have an issue paying the cost upfront

And yes I also think you as a mum should be allowed to have a holiday with your own children just like the ex gets to have a holiday with her child

It's not like the step child is missing out on anything but she would probably prefer having a cash injection toward her holiday which the OP and her husband always do anyway

Aprilx · 12/07/2021 09:57

@Ohanaa

DH is unsure. Neither of us want to chuck away what is thousands of pounds if dsc doesn’t come last minute or her mum says no.

DSC has never been away from mum for that long.

Also most of the trip is being covered by me as I have been gifted an amount of money recently from a family member and I want to create memories for my kids with it.

He is just “unsure” about whether to leave one of his children out of the family holiday, a dream trip for most children. Not father of the year is he?

It would seem unlikely to me that the mother is going to change her mind at the last minute and not let her go. Nevertheless even in that unlikely scenario, you are both being over dramatic in referring to this as losing thousands of pounds. You were presumably not getting her own accommodation, in which case there may be the waste of one flight, say £500 and maybe a wasted Disney ticket, say £350. A waste yes, but money that you would have already spent anyway, so not a sudden and unexpected extra expense. You would recover some actual money on smaller food and incidentals expenditure.

ThePlantsitter · 12/07/2021 09:58

It's not like the step child is missing out on anything

Cast your mind back to being 13. A three week Disney holiday not missing out on anything??

RazzleTits · 12/07/2021 09:58

@Ohanaa

DH is unsure. Neither of us want to chuck away what is thousands of pounds if dsc doesn’t come last minute or her mum says no.

DSC has never been away from mum for that long.

Also most of the trip is being covered by me as I have been gifted an amount of money recently from a family member and I want to create memories for my kids with it.

I want to create memories for my kids with it
Effram · 12/07/2021 09:59

definitely unreasonable. My husband's dad and stepmom took his two half brothers to Disney without my husband or their sisters. They tried to keep it a secret...! He is 36 and still hurt by it today.

diddl · 12/07/2021 09:59

She might prefer 5days with her mum & nan to 3wks with her dad, stepmum & stepsiblings.

It would be nice to ask her though!

aSofaNearYou · 12/07/2021 10:00

This will get a hugely emotive response from other posters but I don't think it's really necessary in this case. This is not a case of you just not wanting to take her, this is about the strong track record of that being sabotaged at the other end. Regarding DSD deciding not to go, if she's refused to go in the past after saying she wants to then tbh, by now I would have told her that we won't take her next time we go somewhere. But it's a bit tough to play that card if you haven't already warned her.

I think what I would do is have her dad talk to her mum about it first, tell her you are going at that time and you would like to take her. Tell her you are worried DSD will be disappointed if she decides at the last moment she isn't allowed to go again. See how she responds. I can't imagine her stopping her DD going if she wants to, surely that would make her public enemy number one?

Then, if you get the go ahead, invite DSD, but similarly warn her that it is very expensive and if she says she wants to go, then she needs to go. Make sure she is aware it is 3 weeks and she will need to be a big girl about that.

If she says yes, then I would go ahead and take her. But if she goes back on what she said, and you lose thousands as a result, then she wouldn't be invited on the next holiday and she would be told why.

aSofaNearYou · 12/07/2021 10:01

@RazzleTits Why on Earth did you highlight that quote?

maddening · 12/07/2021 10:01

Just buy her flights for now and ensure there is room for her in the accommodation. Only book the park tickets for her once she is a definite. Just minimise the potential loss imo.

Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 10:02

@MissMissTorrance DSC mothers feelings of possibly being ‘peeved’ isn’t my problem to be honest. It doesn’t get taken into consideration.

OP posts:
Mickarooni · 12/07/2021 10:02

@paperandfireworks

I'm sure someone has pointed out the irony that your username is ohana. "Ohana means family and family means no one gets left behind". Ironic.
From a new poster / name changer…….
Original poster
Ohanaa · 12/07/2021 10:04

@FootieFever22

Well that was helpful Hmm not.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/07/2021 10:05

Dsc is already going to Orlando next year for 5 days with her mum & nan

That's what would make the difference for me. I totally get the issue about "leaving her out", but wouldn't have thought she'd need to go twice in the same year - especially if their planned trip gave her mum the perfect excuse for refusing to let her go with you

ElizaLynn · 12/07/2021 10:05

I think it is awful to even consider not asking her. Ask and be clear that whatever she chooses she has to follow through with.

Perhaps she will not want to go - at 13 she is old enough to clock vibes regarding if she is wanted or not.

CaraherEIL · 12/07/2021 10:06

There is a difference between inviting her and booking it. You must invite her, but make the invitation directly to her mum but then clarify with her mum its 3 weeks etc and there would be no opportunity to cancel after booking as insurance will only cover certain circumstances.
I think your DH needs to get in writing from his ex, that she agrees to her taking Stepchild internationally etc, but maybe include a financial commitment re a last minute cancellation on her part?
It is an incredible holiday to exclude her from and regardless of the history with the mother I couldn’t do that to the child.

DoubleTweenQueen · 12/07/2021 10:06

@Ohanaa Having been a DSC, and with what you’ve said, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to not invite DSC.
I imagine you all do other nice family things together. and that she does not otherwise feel left out?

toocold54 · 12/07/2021 10:07

This may not make any difference but she doesn’t like rollercoasters hence her mum and nan only going to universal as they do the water park and the Harry Potter bits only.

Could you not have a chat with mum and say we are going on X date but as she is going with you anyway and she doesn’t like to be away from you for too long should we just give her extra spending money for your holiday instead of booking a place on ours?

ThreeLocusts · 12/07/2021 10:07

My mum was brought up by a neglectful stepmum and never got over it. Be careful, you can do enormous damage.

You say you want to create memories for 'your kids' making it implicitly very clear that DS doesn't count as your kid. I think you need to examine that attitude.

The SD's call on your DH is older and stronger than your own. You can replace a husband but not a father. If you are not willing to treat your DH's oldest equitably, you should not have married him.

grey12 · 12/07/2021 10:07

I would leave the decision to her father and have a serious conversation with her mother: if she says yes and then no, then she has to give you the money you spend unnecessarily Hmm she seems like a piece of work....

Dixiechickonhols · 12/07/2021 10:08

I think it’s awful not to invite them. I can’t imagine going to Disneyworld/Universal as an adult and leaving my child at home. Only extra they will cost is flights and tickets and food there. Book DIY - flight you will get tax back if they don’t go and you can get tickets last minute eg floridatix. Universal has the bigger coasters. Can I recommend thedibb - a uk Disney planning forum before you book.

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