to not want to let DD (7) go in the sea alone?

[Thefifthbeatle]

We are on holiday. DH is letting DD1 (7, able to swim) go into the sea alone "but only up to her waist". He says that he is sitting halfway up the beach with DD2 but that he is watching DD1 all the time. He estimates that he could get to DD1 in 20 seconds. I think that this is too long if a child is in difficulty in the sea, and therefore dangerous. I only want her to go in the sea with an adult. He thinks I am being ridiculous. I'd be really grateful for a sanity check! Thanks in advance.

I assume you're not local or you wouldn't be asking. No 7 year old is a strong swimmer. No 7 year old would cope if they trod on a weaver fish or came across a jelly fish. My local beach regularly gets fishing lines and other rubbish in the breakers. Even trying to escape from seaweed could cause her to slip over or get out of her depth.

I don't think you are being ridiculous one bit. Not just thinking of you but thinking of anyone else on the beach, who might worry what could happen, especially if they felt in no way could they help if DD and DH got into difficulties.

My 7 and 4 year old go in waist deep while I'm seething up. It's a flat beach without big waves and no rips. It really does all depend on the beach and the conditions.

Where are you in all this? Why can’t you watch one of the DDs?

Yes is he responsible for both?

You need to respect the sea. My older DC were out in the sea with their cousins but got dragged out to the area which was a no go. My DD thought her brother was drowning as he couldnt get back. They were 14 and 16 at the time. Life guards had to go and get them. There both strong swimmers and used to the sea. So no I wouldnt be leaving my 7yr old on his own

There are too many variables. I grew up on an island in the north of Scotland. We have very high tides and the power of the wind and sea is very apparent. There are lots of different conditions round the coast and we only go to the safest parts of the shoreline. There's a beach my Mum always refused to take us to when we were children because of the tides, there are other parts where there is a safe rockpool to swim in next to one where the tide is too strong for children. There are other beaches I'd happily let the DC swim in the sea. We have no lifeguards up there and the beaches are pretty deserted. DH grew up in the city and I'd not leave him to take the DC to the beach by himself, he doesn't have the local knowledge, but I don't think that's the situation in the OP.

If there are two of you and two dc, then you watch one child each. He can't be keeping an eye on two at once if one is in the sea on their own.

Fuck no. Sure he can get to her in twenty seconds but those twenty seconds only start from the point he notices she's in danger. She could have been under for a minute by that point.

She's up to her waist but what if she sits down? All of a sudden she's up to her neck and if a big wave comes she's caught in the under current and can't get back up. She won't be able to make a noise or fight and it could be over in seconds. It's harsh and it's uncommon but it happens.

No child under ten should be left alone in the sea, especially not when her supervisor is caring for a small child half way up a beach. No matter how shallow the water nor how low the danger.

I remember reading about a woman in a magazine who was sunbathing with her five year old on holiday. He was down the other end of the pool and she heard a splash and then nothing, by the time she had sat up, realised he had moved from the shallow end and ran the length of a pool he had drowned.

It's just not worth the risk.

Watch child rescues on Bondi Beach - your opinion on water safety will change instantly.

YANBU. FWIW I’m a rescue diver and have a child about the same age who’s a strong swimmer, but there’s no way I’d leave them in the sea alone, especially if I had the distraction of a younger child.

@2bazookas your advice is utterly irresponsible and dangerous when it comes to the sea.

You might as well recommend that children improve their traffic awareness by playing on the motorway.

@2bazookas Children learn vital life skills through validation - positive and negative.

They learn 'yes, do that' and 'no, don't do that' by parental interjection.

In principle you are correct - drowning would give her a lesson in water safety but I don't think that's a lesson OP wants her daughter to experience.

My 12 year old DD is a competent and accomplished competition swimmer, is 160cms tall and 50 kg (so practically adult size) and we don’t let her swim alone ever. Always swim in the sea in pairs and in pools with supervision in case of a knock to the head (which has happened to her).

This is insanity. You must intervene.

No, I don't think so. The sea needs to be respected, it can change so quickly and you've no idea what's under the waves. It's quite different swimming in the sea compared to a pool.

A kid who'd grown up by the sea and was in and out all day - yes, maybe. There are too many variables but I think 7 is too young and they're probably not strong enough to save themselves.

Sorry, but he need to be with her. Get in the water Dad! What’s with the sitting down? 🤣

I don’t know why he can’t just go in with her or at least say she’s only allowed to splash in the inch deep water.

It’s all very well saying let her do it etc… but why sit half way up the beach? She’s 7, not 17…

@2bazookas

DH is being reasonable. Be braver.

As children acquire more skills, the parents job is to let them have more independence to practice it. Learning how and when to manage risk safely, is how they grow up strong and independent..

To be healthy adults, they must learn to negotiate danger safely. How to cross a road alone,. walk alone or cycle to school or their friend's house or the corner shop, catch a bus, take their pocket money to the shop and spend it as they see fit.

They need to practice these small graduated risks safely (as DH says) so that they will be ready for the big ones.

In a few years time, DC will be making relationships outside the home and beyond your supervision. . For which they need to have developed some self confidence and healthy instincts ; know the difference between what' feels safe / risky/ totally out of my depth.

In 10 years time DC is going to learn to drive, pass their driving test, and you are going to have to accept they go out alone driving a car.

Long before then, parents have to unwrap the cotton wool, loosen the apron strings, demonstrate proper risk assessment, self confidence, self esteem. Because we are the role models for our children.

If we role-model fear, timidity, lack of confidence, anxiety, then that's what our child will learn to be.

She’s 7……..

I wouldn’t. “Waist deep”? until she steps in a hole or a bigger swell / wave comes, or the tide comes in. (Location dependant obviously, but I’m assuming UK not Med)

It’s also very hard to watch someone from right up the beach whilst also keeping an eye on another child, with lots of people on beach and in the sea - tidal movement also means you could end up a lot further away than you started.

Fwiw I live by the sea (UK) and my kids do nothing go in the sea without an adult at least at the edge of the water. And nor does anyone I know.

www.outdoorswimmingsociety.com/understanding-waves/ some good tips here on how to manage waves as well- I do some of this with my 7yo re. standing sideways, not turning your back, and I've been teaching her to swim through smaller ones. If he goes in with her it's a great opportunity to teach these skills.

No, the sea is so unpredictable, also go and have a look at rip tides and how to recognise them from the shore.

I grew up next to the sea and we were very used to sea swimming, no lifeguards and there was a strong current which I once got caught up in as a strong 12 year old. I shudder now to think what could have happened, thankfully my grandfather had taught me how to get back out, and I was with friends who could have raised an alarm. 7 is far too young and your DH is irresponsible. Paddling only unless an adult is within close, close reach.

Depends. On our favourite beach waist high is a long way out.

It would depend on the beach and the child. My dd got pulled out by a wave on a beach in Cornwall, I was stood near her and so was my dp, he grabbed her and almost got pulled out himself, it was pretty scary. The beaches on the north coast of Cornwall have really strong rip tides and big waves. There are beaches we go too that are much safer and I allow Dd to bodyboard on her own (she just floats around on her board) but she wears a life jacket as she’s not a great swimmer.