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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want to let DD (7) go in the sea alone?

198 replies

Thefifthbeatle · 11/07/2021 10:35

We are on holiday. DH is letting DD1 (7, able to swim) go into the sea alone "but only up to her waist". He says that he is sitting halfway up the beach with DD2 but that he is watching DD1 all the time. He estimates that he could get to DD1 in 20 seconds. I think that this is too long if a child is in difficulty in the sea, and therefore dangerous. I only want her to go in the sea with an adult. He thinks I am being ridiculous. I'd be really grateful for a sanity check! Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
MoreHairyThanScary · 11/07/2021 13:00

We live on the coast kids we're not allowed in unless we were at the waters edge, even now they are older and rookie lifeguards we still keep a close eye and life jacket required on the paddleboard.

101spacehoppers · 11/07/2021 13:08

And those of you with older kids, it's worth showing them the RNLI stuff on what to do if you're caught in a rip and practice floating. Obviously no substitute for avoiding trouble in the first place but it's an extra security measure. The outdoor swimming society also has a great bit on its website about staying safe in different sorts of water.

PurpleOkapi · 11/07/2021 13:17

I won't go so far as to say YABU, but consider how much time you and DH actually want to spend in the water. Children have this magical ability to never get tired or cold, that most adults lack. If I'd had to get out whenever my parents decided they'd had enough, I'd have gotten maybe 5-10 minutes in the water every day of vacation, which would have just been sad. Can you just make her wear a brightly-colored life jacket?

whatwasIgoingtosay · 11/07/2021 13:21

20 people, including adults, were rescued from a sandy beach near us recently when they got cut off by the rapidly incoming tide. Conditions can change very quickly in the sea and IMO any child under 12 should always have an adult with them when in the sea. Better safe than sorry, always.

autumnboys · 11/07/2021 13:21

You are completely correct. I grew up by the sea and we still live quite close. My kids are 11, 15 & 17 and if my 11yo is in the sea, I am in my swimming costume, up to my ankles at the least. You have to respect it.

Cacacoisfarraige · 11/07/2021 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Howshouldibehave · 11/07/2021 13:23

Can’t you go closer and be with her yourself?

2bazookas · 11/07/2021 13:24

DH is being reasonable. Be braver.

As children acquire more skills, the parents job is to let them have more independence to practice it. Learning how and when to manage risk safely, is how they grow up strong and independent..

To be healthy adults, they must learn to negotiate danger safely. How to cross a road alone,. walk alone or cycle to school or their friend's house or the corner shop, catch a bus, take their pocket money to the shop and spend it as they see fit.

They need to practice these small graduated risks safely (as DH says) so that they will be ready for the big ones.

In a few years time, DC will be making relationships outside the home and beyond your supervision. . For which they need to have developed some self confidence and healthy instincts ; know the difference between what' feels safe / risky/ totally out of my depth.

In 10 years time DC is going to learn to drive, pass their driving test, and you are going to have to accept they go out alone driving a car.

Long before then, parents have to unwrap the cotton wool, loosen the apron strings, demonstrate proper risk assessment, self confidence, self esteem. Because we are the role models for our children.

If we role-model fear, timidity, lack of confidence, anxiety, then that's what our child will learn to be.

thelastgoldeneagle · 11/07/2021 13:26

What's he doing with dd2 if he's watching dd1 all the time? I don't think that's possible. I'd want him closer to dd1.

Swimminginmud · 11/07/2021 13:28

We live right next to the sea and at that age I would not let either of my children go in the sea alone apart from calm days and only up to their knees. depending on the type of beach, the conditions can change very quickly when the tide turns. My children are both very strong competitive swimmers, my eldest does aquathlons in the sea and a couple of years ago she was thrown around for about 10 mins trying to get back to shore. My DH stood watching and had no idea that she was struggling until she finally made it to shore crying. Drowning is not as obvious as people think.

godmum56 · 11/07/2021 13:35

YANBU This happened to me as a child older than your DD and i was only thigh deep. Big wave hit and sucked the sand out from under my feet and down I went. Sussex coast, not a bad day or anything I was very lucky

godmum56 · 11/07/2021 13:38

@2bazookas

DH is being reasonable. Be braver.

As children acquire more skills, the parents job is to let them have more independence to practice it. Learning how and when to manage risk safely, is how they grow up strong and independent..

To be healthy adults, they must learn to negotiate danger safely. How to cross a road alone,. walk alone or cycle to school or their friend's house or the corner shop, catch a bus, take their pocket money to the shop and spend it as they see fit.

They need to practice these small graduated risks safely (as DH says) so that they will be ready for the big ones.

In a few years time, DC will be making relationships outside the home and beyond your supervision. . For which they need to have developed some self confidence and healthy instincts ; know the difference between what' feels safe / risky/ totally out of my depth.

In 10 years time DC is going to learn to drive, pass their driving test, and you are going to have to accept they go out alone driving a car.

Long before then, parents have to unwrap the cotton wool, loosen the apron strings, demonstrate proper risk assessment, self confidence, self esteem. Because we are the role models for our children.

If we role-model fear, timidity, lack of confidence, anxiety, then that's what our child will learn to be.

Not the same at all. The examples you give are where there is a safe place to be while making decisions and where there is control. The sea is not under anyone's control.
Bunnycat101 · 11/07/2021 13:39

2bazookas ‘DH is being reasonable. Be braver.’

That is utterly irresponsible advice. I agree with you in many circumstances that children need to learn to take risks etc. This is a 7yo on an unfamiliar beach with limited supervision. Part of learning to be safe in the sea is learning to respect that it can be fun but also dangerous.

Nonmaquillee · 11/07/2021 13:41

No. He’s being lazy. No way would I let a seven year old be in the sea without an adult with her too.

dreamingofsun · 11/07/2021 13:42

i still have nightmares about the time i let my 2 year old paddle in the calm sea, with me holding them up then a big wave came in and if i hadnt of held onto them they would have got washed out to sea.

when i was younger there was a pretty big wave or two when i was in the sea and apparently the tide sort of came in, in about 4 mins....people were grabbing armfuls of possessions and lobbing them up the beach

Doghead · 11/07/2021 13:42

Where are you while this is going on? Couldn't you go into the sea with DD?

Noterook · 11/07/2021 13:43

No, the sea can be unpredictable, and 20 seconds can seem a lifetime in that situation.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 11/07/2021 13:47

Mine both wear buoyancy aids in the sea. It seems extreme when they're only in up to their waists but it give me peace of mind that I'd have extra moments to get to them if they were swept off their feet. Would that make you feel better?

nocoolnamesleft · 11/07/2021 13:49

On their own in the sea is paddling max, no wading, and definitely not waist deep. Far too dangerous.

Abouttimemum · 11/07/2021 13:49

Nope. You need to be there to drag them straight back up if they go under. Not 20 seconds away. Especially not in this country with fast tide and weather changes.
The sea / rivers are not to be messed with.

Also grew up by the coast. Always had an adult right by me.

Whatinthelord · 11/07/2021 13:51

@2bazookas I’d agree with all your comments about allowing risk taking under a lot of circumstances, but probably not this one. Even when we expose our children to a certain amount of risk, we do things to mitigate that risk and only gradually reduce our input until they can manage the risk all alone. Eg we don’t go from holding a child's hand all the time while walking to allowing them to for a walk and cross roads alone in one step. We have lots of small steps in between (maybe standing next to them letting them say when they think it’s safe to cross or walking behind them abs verbally explaining how to be safe etc).

I’m assuming by the way the op is worded that the family are not familiar with this beach and aren’t regular sea swimmers. I think under those circumstances it’s right to mitigate the risk by being in arms reach. Of course if the child was a regular and proficient sea swimmer, and they were at a beach they know well it might be appropriate to give a little more distance. That’s not the impression I get from the op though.

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 11/07/2021 13:52

Not a chance. The sea is unpredictable, you don’t know whether there are undercurrents there, and 20 seconds away is far too long.

Marcipex · 11/07/2021 13:56

Not on your life.
Knee deep is wash-away deep.

Yes, we used to go in alone as children, and no, it wasn’t okay.
I remember two little girls who were drowned that way.

endofthelinefinally · 11/07/2021 13:57

I would absolutely not be comfortable with this. The sea is unpredictable and dangerous.

Unsure33 · 11/07/2021 13:57

Tell him to watch the sea rescue programme on bbc 2 . A couple of weeks ago there was a guy on there actually paddling with his daughter and they both got swept out to see and both very nearly died .

A no from me.