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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have exploded on my friend for this ?

316 replies

Cupcakejamlover · 11/07/2021 01:33

Husband and I, his sister, a family member and his wife decided to spend the day together today. The plan was to go to the mall for a little bit and then go out to different places since they dont live in london and were only here for a visit. We started off by going to the mall, which was extremely busy since its a Saturday. Hubby and i have a newborn who was born with a lung infection and is therefore much more vulnerable when it gets to covid and we are in general much more careful since we do not want to risk anything with him after what we have been through. My husband and i stayed for around 15 minutes and then quickly realised it was way too busy for a vulnerable newborn so we told the others that we will wait for them in the car park (thinking it won’t be too long since we hadnt planned to stay for long anyway).

I didnt want to be rude to the others so out of respect i told them “it is unsafe for the baby here due to the reasons mentioned , we will wait for you in the car park, and since i didnt want to be rude and make them leave immediately i said don’t worry about us take your time.”

For me this was out of respect thinking it would be common sense that if someone is waiting in the car park, they wouldnt make you wait for too long, especially if the plan was only to be there for a little while and then go somewhere else. In my head i was thinking we would wait 10 minutes, 20 minutes , 30 minutes, even an hour i would be still accepting of, but they made us wait for 2 hours with a newborn in the carpark who got extremely fussy.

For me i found this very rude but didnt want to say anything as i tried to understand that queues at tills might have been busy, they might have got lost etc, And was expecting something like “hi guys sorry to keep you waiting, how are you?” When they come back. However they came back extremely dry, almost mad at us themselves (probably for leaving to wait in the car park even though we have a very reasonable excuse) which topped off what already made me quite disappointed and that drove me insane and i bursted at them and told them how rude it was for them to keep us waiting for two hours and then instead of apologising, or even catching up and saying things like hi what should we do now, they were acting all dry themselves, didnt speak to us, and For some reason they didnt even want to do anything else after (which we had initially planned to do other stuff other than the mall) and just planned themselves to go early to our dinner which we were invited to.

They then answered with “ why did you say take your time if you don’t want to wait”

And now i’m thinking was it wrong for me to expect it to be common sense that you wouldnt make people with a newborn to wait 2 hours even if they said take your time? Isnt it obvious that saying take your time is meant out of respect and not to be taken literally? As i said, for me something reasonable would be waiting 30 minutes - 60 minutes max given the business.

What do you guys think?

They never ended up apologising for making us wait for so long, I apologised for exploding which now i regret doing not gonna lie.

FYI i did tell hubbys sister not to stay long since we are waiting in the car park so she knew all along and said okay but then cared nothing, its just the family members that i’m talking about that i said take your time.

OP posts:
Doublestar · 11/07/2021 09:40

I actually really like the term "acting all dry" and am going to use it myself for when people go in a mood and act all passive aggressive. I totally got what the Op meant so don't know why others didn't?

I suspect it's a bit like having a cats bum face.

thoselinesjustgetfainter · 11/07/2021 09:41

@yeOldeTrout

It was NOT at all clear from context what OP meant by "dry" -- I guessed it was something to do with not being apologetic enough, or manifesting some other attitude that OP disliked: I didn't need to know the precise meaning so I ignored the word, but nor was it obvious and specific. I'm glad people asked. I couldn't be bothered to google it.

From the context, "Dry" could have meant oblivious, quiet, making wry jokes, ashamed, taciturn, arrogant, unpleasant, initially bubbly but then suddenly shut down all communication, combinations of these or other things, really.

Ok. I correctly interpreted the meaning, but I accept that others had trouble with it. I think some others may have understood perfectly but pretended not to, to make a point. You know, a bit like some people might say to a whining child, "I'm sorry, my ears can't hear whining."

I think several earlier posts (particularly about the word "mall") were deliberately obtuse, wanting to pull the OP up on her vocabulary rather than responding to the AIBU. I think people are nitpicking and using their prejudice against non-British, non-middle class, non-middle aged English.

viques · 11/07/2021 09:41

@malteasergeezer

If your newborn really does have a lung infection it seems bizarre and risky that you would willingly take them to a shopping centre and hang around in car parks where there would be high levels of petrol fumes Hmm
This.
Silvercatowner · 11/07/2021 09:42

I like "acting all dry".

But I'm struggling with "exploded on". It all sounds very messy.

hettie · 11/07/2021 09:43

You could look up some advice on how to communicate effectively and assertively. Learn some key phrases and practice (with partner, in the mirror, with a trusted friend)...

Shadedog · 11/07/2021 09:43

YABU you made an impractical plan, communicated badly, and then got cross with people for not being mindreaders. People have said you sound quite young but my mother does this all the time and she’s pushing 80. I don’t know what it is but some of it is about not listening to people and some of it is expecting other people to act exactly the same way you would. Like with my mother, (she lives 5 hours away) I can go for a visit and it doesn’t matter what time I say I’ll arrive, she will get it into her head I’ll leave at 7 and arrive for lunch, or leave after lunch and arrive for dinner or I’ll be driving overnight or visiting someone on the way because that’s what she would do. So I arrive and she’s out or cross that lunch is cold and it’s my fault. It’s not because she’s old, she’s always done it. I’d stay after school for a 2 hour choir practice and get home at 6 and she’d be “I didn’t think it would go on this long, I expected you ages ago, the police are out looking for you” Or else “I thought it would go on much longer than this.”. She tried to get me to get compensation for a delayed train once because she decided the journey should be quicker. Anyway, don’t expect people to behave as you do, be clear about what you want and listen to what they are saying.

BungleandGeorge · 11/07/2021 09:44

I’ve never ever seen the word Mall used on a road sign for a shopping centre in England. I thought she meant the actual Mall since they were visiting London (obviously the meaning was clear later on!). No big deal, I presume OP has roots elsewhere but I think it’s rubbish to claim that Mall is common usage in the UK

Shadedog · 11/07/2021 09:45

I actually really like the term "acting all dry" and am going to use it myself for when people go in a mood and act all passive aggressive. I totally got what the Op meant so don't know why others didn't?

Same. I will be incorporating it into my burgeoning vocabulary. I feel it’s succinct.

thoselinesjustgetfainter · 11/07/2021 09:51

@BungleandGeorge

I’ve never ever seen the word Mall used on a road sign for a shopping centre in England. I thought she meant the actual Mall since they were visiting London (obviously the meaning was clear later on!). No big deal, I presume OP has roots elsewhere but I think it’s rubbish to claim that Mall is common usage in the UK
It's not rubbish. I've seen it in two large cities that I've lived in. It's just not your personal experience.

It's also very, very widely understood to be a non-British word for shopping centre.

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 09:56

Maybe it was The Mall Luton.

I think Bristol also has a The Mall.

GiantWingedWaspMoth · 11/07/2021 10:02

@MouldyPotato

Maybe it was The Mall Luton.

I think Bristol also has a The Mall.

It's a lot further away from London though, so it's unlikely they went there 😉
vegas888 · 11/07/2021 10:03

Why didn’t you message and say you needed to leave but could collect them later or I’m sure they could of caught a tube or train back. Why on earth would you sit in a car park full of car fumes if your baby has a lung infection, seems like the worst possible thing to do.

CoralSparkles · 11/07/2021 10:06

If you’re so concerned about your newborn baby being in a crowd… why did you go shopping in the centre of London on a Saturday? Your guests aren’t mind readers. YABVU to dictate what others do. You could’ve just met them after they’d finished shopping and then do something else as a group.

SecretSpAD · 11/07/2021 10:07

I don't live in London anymore so when I get the chance to go to Westfield (assuming that's where it was) then I'm there for more than 2 hours. Especially if the teens are with me.

And that's before we do the markets!

Kanaloa · 11/07/2021 10:11

Well yes you were being ridiculous. Did you expect all your friends to pack up and leave immediately because the place you all decided to go was busy? You should have just said I think we’ll be off home. Their world isn’t going to revolve around your baby, although yours understandably does.

I also despise when people refuse to communicate clearly. Why would you say ‘don’t worry, take your time’ if you meant ‘please be about 30 minutes.’ They aren’t mind readers.

Sandinmyknickers · 11/07/2021 10:15

@Cupcakejamlover

A normal amount shopping yes, not when you say we are only going to walk around for a bit and then go somewhere else… the agreement wasnt to go on a shopping spree, the agreement was to stay at the mall for a little while, and i thought i could wait that little while in the car park. They found that they are enjoying it and should have called us and said actually we might stay for longer than we agreed, if you guys want to leave do so! Thats what i would expect.
Why didnt you say something like this? I.e. we will wait in the car park l. As we daud earlier, we're not staying here anyway , do shall we say meeting back out here in 45mins (or whatever was acceptable to you?) Also I have lived in London most of my life and other than the height of lockdown have never known any shopping centre to not be busy on a saturday. I think YABU
RampantIvy · 11/07/2021 10:15

No she hasn’t. Loads of people use the word dry in the way the OP has

It must be regional. I have never heard of this expression before. It isn't used in Yorkshire.

TableNiner · 11/07/2021 10:16

Two hours is probably a lot of peoples’ idea of a short time in a large shopping centre, especially if it’s as a tourist and not somewhere you get to go to all the time. It means they must have been having a good time which as hosts is nice. But cut yourself some slack, you have a newborn which can be tough and you may be feeling more sensitive, especially if they were unwell. I’m sure your relatives would understand that too.

AdobeWanKenobi · 11/07/2021 10:17

@JeansShirtJeansJacket

Also, guessing you are American with that phrasing, it's shopping centre. You live in Britain, learn our terminology.

ODFOD

Indeed. Language evolves and with the internet it evolves globally.

If it didn’t we’d all still be grunting like cavemen.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 11/07/2021 10:18

Oh, come on. If you've watched an American movie or sitcom in the past thirty years, you know what a fucking mall is.

'Dry' is a bit harder. I'd use it in the sense of 'dry sense of humour' but I sincerely doubt OP has heard it and misunderstood it in this context. I've heard it a bit more recently. I think it's just means - arsey.

Terhou · 11/07/2021 10:20

The problem with "acting all dry" is - what do you say when someone is the opposite? It would hardly be complimentary to say that they are wet, damp, moist etc.

Livelovebehappy · 11/07/2021 10:20

You’re right to be cautious about your baby’s wellbeing, but other people will just wonder why you went somewhere on a busy weekend with a vulnerable newborn, so will just shrug their shoulders, take you at your word of telling them to take their time, and will just feel that their day shouldn’t suffer because of your poor decisions.

HauteGirlSummer · 11/07/2021 10:22

@NiceGerbil

'These malls are massive'

Which ones are you thinking it might be?

I'm fascinated where it was!

Also I'm out of touch. We call them malls now? God I'm so out of the loop!

I know! Soon as I saw malls mentioned I thought OP must be in America. Shocked to find this was in London and no one batted an eyelid. Are London shopping centres called malls now???
LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 11/07/2021 10:23

Slang doesn't work like that, though, does it? If someone has a dry sense of humour, you don't then wonder what a wet sense of humour looks like. When something is 'cool'
or 'sick', or doesn't mean something dorky is 'hot' or 'well'.

Gothichouse40 · 11/07/2021 10:23

I would not have taken a vulnerable newborn with a health condition out to a shopping mall. Our shopping mall is crazy busy at the weekends(moreso with the school summer holidays), so I don't go there at weekends. It may have been better just to have met at a park, or for a lunch and spent a shorter time together. It's a shame things went a bit awry.