To have exploded on my friend for this ?

[Cupcakejamlover]

Husband and I, his sister, a family member and his wife decided to spend the day together today. The plan was to go to the mall for a little bit and then go out to different places since they dont live in london and were only here for a visit. We started off by going to the mall, which was extremely busy since its a Saturday. Hubby and i have a newborn who was born with a lung infection and is therefore much more vulnerable when it gets to covid and we are in general much more careful since we do not want to risk anything with him after what we have been through. My husband and i stayed for around 15 minutes and then quickly realised it was way too busy for a vulnerable newborn so we told the others that we will wait for them in the car park (thinking it won’t be too long since we hadnt planned to stay for long anyway).

I didnt want to be rude to the others so out of respect i told them “it is unsafe for the baby here due to the reasons mentioned , we will wait for you in the car park, and since i didnt want to be rude and make them leave immediately i said don’t worry about us take your time.”

For me this was out of respect thinking it would be common sense that if someone is waiting in the car park, they wouldnt make you wait for too long, especially if the plan was only to be there for a little while and then go somewhere else. In my head i was thinking we would wait 10 minutes, 20 minutes , 30 minutes, even an hour i would be still accepting of, but they made us wait for 2 hours with a newborn in the carpark who got extremely fussy.

For me i found this very rude but didnt want to say anything as i tried to understand that queues at tills might have been busy, they might have got lost etc, And was expecting something like “hi guys sorry to keep you waiting, how are you?” When they come back. However they came back extremely dry, almost mad at us themselves (probably for leaving to wait in the car park even though we have a very reasonable excuse) which topped off what already made me quite disappointed and that drove me insane and i bursted at them and told them how rude it was for them to keep us waiting for two hours and then instead of apologising, or even catching up and saying things like hi what should we do now, they were acting all dry themselves, didnt speak to us, and For some reason they didnt even want to do anything else after (which we had initially planned to do other stuff other than the mall) and just planned themselves to go early to our dinner which we were invited to.

They then answered with “ why did you say take your time if you don’t want to wait”

And now i’m thinking was it wrong for me to expect it to be common sense that you wouldnt make people with a newborn to wait 2 hours even if they said take your time? Isnt it obvious that saying take your time is meant out of respect and not to be taken literally? As i said, for me something reasonable would be waiting 30 minutes - 60 minutes max given the business.

What do you guys think?

They never ended up apologising for making us wait for so long, I apologised for exploding which now i regret doing not gonna lie.

FYI i did tell hubbys sister not to stay long since we are waiting in the car park so she knew all along and said okay but then cared nothing, its just the family members that i’m talking about that i said take your time.

Don't really know what "all dry" means but u assume it means they were being short/rude towards you? Thing is, you were fuming that they'd taken 2 hours so you yourself were probably visibly angry as they returned to the car which in turn made them angry. There is so much you could have done here Op to make the situation better:

Don't take a preemie newborn on a shopping trip.
Left the mall when you returned to the car, telling your friends you would leave them to shop and meet at x place later.
Wait for the length of time you deemed to fit "take your time" abd call them explaining that you have to go and you'll see them later.
Agree what "not long" meant beforehand. Half an hour, 2 hours, 4 hours?? It's different for everyone.

Obviously, we don't know much about your friends but maybe they had planned specific purchases, don't have the range of shops where they live or were looking forward to the trip for a while and wanted to stay more than 2 hours.

Yabu

@Cupcakejamlover

So for everyone saying dont say things you don’t mean, what would you consider “take your time”? Does that mean i will wait all day all night because i didnt specify? Isnt it common sense that if you say take your time it doesnt mean take all day? Especially that the initial plan was not to stay at the mall for long, you seem to miss this point. The plan was to go to the mall for a short period of time anyway. If it was planned to spend all day there and we expected them to leave early i would understand you, but we never agreed to stay long anyway which is why i said take your time, thinking we agreed not to stay long anyway so we could wait a short period of time in the car park right?

Excuse me OP, it may be that English isn't your first language? If it's not, then apologies, & it might be that mistakes like this are going to be inevitable.

Because when you say "take your time" but don't actually mean it, how is it fair to expect the person you've said it to to read your mind, & deduce that you didn't mean what you said at all?

If you wanted to only wait 30 minutes, the thing to say is "I can wait 30 minutes. So if you want to stay out longer, text me & we'll make a new plan".

See how easy it is?
Just stop hinting, "giving respect" (????) & expecting your "common sense" to miraculously coincide with other peoples, & state your intentions & expectations clearly.

@Cupcakejamlover

So for everyone saying dont say things you don’t mean, what would you consider “take your time”? Does that mean i will wait all day all night because i didnt specify? Isnt it common sense that if you say take your time it doesnt mean take all day? Especially that the initial plan was not to stay at the mall for long, you seem to miss this point. The plan was to go to the mall for a short period of time anyway. If it was planned to spend all day there and we expected them to leave early i would understand you, but we never agreed to stay long anyway which is why i said take your time, thinking we agreed not to stay long anyway so we could wait a short period of time in the car park right?

You should have said, hey sis, it's too busy and risky for the baby, shall we meet in an hour at the car park and plan another visit when things are less dangerous to the baby.

Instead you told them to take their time.

If someone said that to me I would do exactly that and mooch round all the shops I fancied looking in, after all it wasn't me cutting the trip short

@Cupcakejamlover

A normal amount shopping yes, not when you say we are only going to walk around for a bit and then go somewhere else… the agreement wasnt to go on a shopping spree, the agreement was to stay at the mall for a little while, and i thought i could wait that little while in the car park. They found that they are enjoying it and should have called us and said actually we might stay for longer than we agreed, if you guys want to leave do so! Thats what i would expect.

Tbf 2 hours is only Short time when you take into account covid restrictions an queuing.

It doest matter that virtually everyone has told you that you are being unreasonable you still ant to argue you werent

@Cupcakejamlover

A normal amount shopping yes, not when you say we are only going to walk around for a bit and then go somewhere else… the agreement wasnt to go on a shopping spree, the agreement was to stay at the mall for a little while, and i thought i could wait that little while in the car park. They found that they are enjoying it and should have called us and said actually we might stay for longer than we agreed, if you guys want to leave do so! Thats what i would expect.

Classic! "They should have called us" - FFS! - AND YOU COULD HAVE CALLED THEM.

This passive-aggressive mindset is never going to change until you start being accountable for your own actions & wishes OP.

@Cupcakejamlover

I guess i am being unreasonable then. You’re right i shouldnt have said take your time or at least put off a time limit, i guess the whole thing was mis communication. I’m glad i asked here since its definitely opened my eyes.

So I assume you're going to apologise to your friends for unreasonably kicking off at them?

I’ve queued for more than ten minutes in some shops in Westfield (I’m assuming that’s where this saga is based) and that was pre-COVID. If I’m doing something like going to Bravissimo or Victoria’s Secret for a bra fitting, then I’ve been an hour in just one shop. I’m guessing the friends/relatives wanted to go there as it has shops that they may not have in their hometown? Thirty minutes is ridiculous, if someone told me I could spend thirty minutes in Westfield, I’d tell them to sod off and I’d get the tube home by myself!

I think you have made a mistake a lot of parents of newborns make in that, rather than declining an activity because it’s not suitable with a baby in tow, you went along thinking everyone would have your ‘If the baby gets upset/tired or it’s too crowded, we’ll just go home’ mindset. Of course everything revolves around the baby for you; that doesn’t mean it will for everyone else. You agreed to the plan, so your friends/relatives probably assumed you were happy with it, and didn’t want imagine it came with the caveat of ‘but if we’re worried about the baby we’ll leave after 15 minutes’.

Saying ‘take your time’ was a bad idea, as was hinting at a timescale to your sister-in-law, but giving the others a different message. You made it awkward for her, as essentially she would have to be the bad guy by hurrying them along when you’d said ‘take your time’. Maybe this caused an argument and that’s why they were ‘acting all dry’ on return instead of profusely apologising, as you seemed to expect.

This shows why obtuse hinting and relying on so-called common sense is a bad idea. If you meant no more than an hour, what was wrong with saying so rather than assuming? Your relatives are equally to blame here, by the way - in their shoes I’d have suggested a concrete meeting time rather than leaving it open-ended. However, I’d have been pretty taken aback if it turned out ‘take your time’ actually meant ‘15 - 20 minutes’. It’s like a token gesture towards flexibility that offers absolutely nothing of the sort.

@yeOldeTrout

I can't get past the fact that the relatives went to one of the world's most historic, culturally and architectually interesting cities and spent so much time in a shopping mall.

What did they buy at the mall, OP??

I imagine OP is tired with new baby, never mind new baby with lung condition, never mind baby with lung problem in a respiratory virus pandemic.

If the relatives don't have a baby then they are probably oblivious to what time sucks babies are. 2 hours is exhausting waste of precious time in a carpark with newborn but no time at all when you're planning to "spend the day together" out seeing ... shopping malls?

I hope you can all patch up the social bonds. Everyone could have been more sensitive & rational about this.

I know you think this makes you sound terribly cultured and far more interesting than the kind of people who spend their time doing something as prosaic as shopping, but it doesn’t. It makes you sound like a snob who is unable to look beyond their own frame of reference.

You have no idea where the OP’s relatives are from. If they’ve spent lockdown in a small village with one pub, maybe the idea of a weekend of big city life (shopping, bars, wide choice of restaurants etc.) just appealed. It doesn’t mean they’re not interested in The Tower of London or Westminster Abbey - but there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a social weekend too.

How long is the drive from the mall? Could you have just said your a bit worried about the baby. So your going home. Tell them to enjoy their shopping spree . Just give you a call when they are ready and you will pick them up? That way you could have chilled at home with baby etc and they could have enjoyed the mall without worrying that you were sat in a car park.

The mall is new to them so they would not have wanted to rush it . They would want to look around. Maybe stop for a drink. Look around some more etc . I do agree with what some others as you live in London and know the mall you would have known it would be crowded. I live on London as well I have not been to any malls in years on a Saturday because I know it will be to busy.

You can't change it now though. Maybe just a bit better planning next time.

Does nobody have a search engine 🤔

DRY .... look it up 🙄

You told them to take their time and they did. Their world doesn’t revolve around your baby in the same way yours currently does.

I am a solitary shopper. I like to go shopping sometimes but want to do it in my own time and at my own pace. I don’t want other people with me who change the plans as we are going along. This sort of thing is precisely why I don’t see shopping as a social day out. It is a day (or a few hours) out for me on my own.

YABU OP.

You were horrible.

You need to work on your communication, OP.

This whole situation could have been avoided if everyone had been talking clearly about what they wanted from the day, and once you’d decided to leave, you being clear about what sort of timescales you were happy with would have helped a lot.

I’ve had this sort of thing with my mum a lot.
She has a tendency to dance around what she actually wants or means, says very vague things (like your “take your time” in your OP), and then gets all upset when other people can’t read her mind and things don’t turn out the way she’s imagined they will.

I’m very careful now about checking what my mum actually means when she comes out with vague statements about plans for things we’re doing, but it is so annoying when people aren’t clear about their expectations and then get angry about other people not guessing what they really want or taking them at their word.

And FWIW I agree with pp who say that 2 hours isn’t long to spend in a shopping centre, especially if it’s an unfamiliar one.

So, you knew you had a vulnerable newborn and that London malls are very busy on Saturday, but you took him there anyway. Then you told the relatives to take their time at the mall, so they did. Then you gave them a row for doing what you said , and were surprised that "for some reason" they then didn't want to go anywhere else with you and the baby.

Sounds like you  create all your own problems .

I am dumbstruck that visitors to London wanted to waste time a a retail mall.

Maybe it's not their first time in London and they've seen all they want to see thats touristy/cultured

Maybe they used to live in London and so know it well (like my family)

Maybe there are things they needed or wanted to buy.

Maybe they just prefer shopping.

Whatever the reason they were not unreasonable to want to go, to stay for the length of time they did or do what they wanted to do. Their lives don't revolve around a baby, that's the job of the parents.

I am dumbstruck that visitors to London wanted to waste time a a retail mall

Dumbstruck? Really? Dumbstruck that people from an area where they might not have much of a shopping centre, if one at all, want to visit a large London mall?
How odd.

You're the one one in the wrong here OP. You must have known this was a bad idea for your baby from the get go. It is not your friends who are to blame here. It was a badly managed situation by you from the start.

@PerveenMistry

Could you not have gotten a babysitter?

I am dumbstruck that visitors to London wanted to waste time a a retail mall.

Never heard of Oxford Street? Bond Street?Marylebone High Street? Knightsbridge? Regent Street? London has been a magnet for shoppers for donkeys years, the two big Westfield malls are just following in their footsteps. And then there are Lakeside and Bluewater if you fancy a trip out of town......

I am dumbstruck that visitors to London wanted to waste time a a retail mall

Dumbstruck FFS

I lived in London for many years. We now live in the middle of nowhere in another European country. Shops are few and far between, and we certainly have no access to the bigger named stores.

Tell us what you do in your spare time and/or have visitors and we can all be dumbstruck that you would "waste" your time doing such mundane things.

If I ever get to go to London again then I will most definitely be pencilling in an entire day for Westfield.

No idea why you didn't say to them that you would give band get a coffee outside and for them to call you when they're done and you can meet them

For the love of God, stop saying "mall" we have shopping centres in the UK !

What I’ve learned is that you can never assume that others will do what you would do in the same set of circumstances.
You told them to take their time and they did. You wouldn’t, and neither would I because I’d realise that sitting in a car park for a couple of hours is not the most exciting thing for anyone to do whether they have a baby with them or not. That’s not to say I wouldn’t feel a bit miffed that I was having to cut short something I was enjoying just because it didn’t suit certain members of the group.
I don’t see why you sat waiting for them for so long - surely it would have been better to have just cut your losses and told them that you realised that this wasn’t the best planned day now you had a vulnerable baby to think about, and that you were going home so they wouldn’t feel constrained by the baby and it’s needs.
When I had my first baby I naively thought that life could continue just as it did before but no matter how much you try it really can’t. Babies are unpredictable in their need for food, cuddles, nappy changes etc and even without COVID the type of day you had planned would have had to take account of all these needs and make spontaneity virtually impossible
If it had been just you and DH this wouldn’t have been an issue, but when planning a day out with others who don’t have a baby to consider I don’t think you can expect them to be inconvenienced by the needs of the tiniest member of the group.

that drove me insane and i bursted at them and told them how rude it was for them to keep us waiting for two hours and then instead of apologising, or even catching up and saying things like hi what should we do now, they were acting all dry themselves, didnt speak to us, and For some reason they didnt even want to do anything else after

Sorry but I had to laugh when I got to this part of your OP, you surely know the reason they didn't want to do anything else was because you went off at them in a car park.