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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have exploded on my friend for this ?

316 replies

Cupcakejamlover · 11/07/2021 01:33

Husband and I, his sister, a family member and his wife decided to spend the day together today. The plan was to go to the mall for a little bit and then go out to different places since they dont live in london and were only here for a visit. We started off by going to the mall, which was extremely busy since its a Saturday. Hubby and i have a newborn who was born with a lung infection and is therefore much more vulnerable when it gets to covid and we are in general much more careful since we do not want to risk anything with him after what we have been through. My husband and i stayed for around 15 minutes and then quickly realised it was way too busy for a vulnerable newborn so we told the others that we will wait for them in the car park (thinking it won’t be too long since we hadnt planned to stay for long anyway).

I didnt want to be rude to the others so out of respect i told them “it is unsafe for the baby here due to the reasons mentioned , we will wait for you in the car park, and since i didnt want to be rude and make them leave immediately i said don’t worry about us take your time.”

For me this was out of respect thinking it would be common sense that if someone is waiting in the car park, they wouldnt make you wait for too long, especially if the plan was only to be there for a little while and then go somewhere else. In my head i was thinking we would wait 10 minutes, 20 minutes , 30 minutes, even an hour i would be still accepting of, but they made us wait for 2 hours with a newborn in the carpark who got extremely fussy.

For me i found this very rude but didnt want to say anything as i tried to understand that queues at tills might have been busy, they might have got lost etc, And was expecting something like “hi guys sorry to keep you waiting, how are you?” When they come back. However they came back extremely dry, almost mad at us themselves (probably for leaving to wait in the car park even though we have a very reasonable excuse) which topped off what already made me quite disappointed and that drove me insane and i bursted at them and told them how rude it was for them to keep us waiting for two hours and then instead of apologising, or even catching up and saying things like hi what should we do now, they were acting all dry themselves, didnt speak to us, and For some reason they didnt even want to do anything else after (which we had initially planned to do other stuff other than the mall) and just planned themselves to go early to our dinner which we were invited to.

They then answered with “ why did you say take your time if you don’t want to wait”

And now i’m thinking was it wrong for me to expect it to be common sense that you wouldnt make people with a newborn to wait 2 hours even if they said take your time? Isnt it obvious that saying take your time is meant out of respect and not to be taken literally? As i said, for me something reasonable would be waiting 30 minutes - 60 minutes max given the business.

What do you guys think?

They never ended up apologising for making us wait for so long, I apologised for exploding which now i regret doing not gonna lie.

FYI i did tell hubbys sister not to stay long since we are waiting in the car park so she knew all along and said okay but then cared nothing, its just the family members that i’m talking about that i said take your time.

OP posts:
MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 11/07/2021 09:05

@Cupcakejamlover

I guess i am being unreasonable then. You’re right i shouldnt have said take your time or at least put off a time limit, i guess the whole thing was mis communication. I’m glad i asked here since its definitely opened my eyes.
I hope you apologise to the people you screamed at in a car park. I appreciate a newborn is probably taking up a lot of your headspace but that js absolutely no way to speak to people and they deserve an apology.
Marilla27 · 11/07/2021 09:05

This reply has been deleted

We have concerns about this user so we have deleted their posts and threads.

BusyLizzie61 · 11/07/2021 09:07

@Cupcakejamlover

So for everyone saying dont say things you don’t mean, what would you consider “take your time”? Does that mean i will wait all day all night because i didnt specify? Isnt it common sense that if you say take your time it doesnt mean take all day? Especially that the initial plan was not to stay at the mall for long, you seem to miss this point. The plan was to go to the mall for a short period of time anyway. If it was planned to spend all day there and we expected them to leave early i would understand you, but we never agreed to stay long anyway which is why i said take your time, thinking we agreed not to stay long anyway so we could wait a short period of time in the car park right?
2 hours was a shirt time at the mall!

You sound incredibly hard work tbh. And perhaps you need to think things through more now you have a baby before agreeing and expecting others to work around you? You're the parent and have to be the one to manage your child and there will be plenty of other situations where you'll have to make sacrifices.

TulipsTwoLips · 11/07/2021 09:07

I wouldn't have stayed quite as long as they did, but at the same time I don't think you helped the situation at all.

"Common" sense isn't actually a thing. All this saying one thing and meaning another but thinking people should interpret it as you mean is a recipe for disaster.

Why didn't you just arrange to meet them someone several hours later so you could have all done what you needed to and baby would have been safe.

Suzi888 · 11/07/2021 09:11

@Aquamarine1029

Sorry op, this mess was entirely your making. You were being ridiculously unreasonable.
^ this You took a newborn to a shopping mall - never ideal! You told them to take as long as they wanted. Two hours is nothing, they probably thought they were rushing. Presumably they don’t have children and have no idea the trip would be a nightmare. Your other half should have dropped them there/ gotten a taxi/ dropped them at tube/station whatever.
Ozanj · 11/07/2021 09:13

I think you were being ridiculous taking a vulnerable newborn to a London mall and even more ridiculous by waiting in the car park. All you needed to say was that the mall was busier than normal, tell them to enjoy themselves, and go home.

Terhou · 11/07/2021 09:13

hey found that they are enjoying it and should have called us

Why didn't you call them?

notlikethisreally · 11/07/2021 09:13

Dissenting voice. I would never leave someone waiting for two hours in a car park. I would have understood ' take you time' to just be a polite expression and not an excuse to leave someone hanging around.
I would not leave someone sitting in a car park for two hours even if they were enough of a sap to put up with it. That's just rude.

Some excessively legalistic/ literal interpretations here.

yeOldeTrout · 11/07/2021 09:16

I can't get past the fact that the relatives went to one of the world's most historic, culturally and architectually interesting cities and spent so much time in a shopping mall.

What did they buy at the mall, OP??

I imagine OP is tired with new baby, never mind new baby with lung condition, never mind baby with lung problem in a respiratory virus pandemic.

If the relatives don't have a baby then they are probably oblivious to what time sucks babies are. 2 hours is exhausting waste of precious time in a carpark with newborn but no time at all when you're planning to "spend the day together" out seeing ... shopping malls?

I hope you can all patch up the social bonds. Everyone could have been more sensitive & rational about this.

malteasergeezer · 11/07/2021 09:16

@Cupcakejamlover

I guess i am being unreasonable then. You’re right i shouldnt have said take your time or at least put off a time limit, i guess the whole thing was mis communication. I’m glad i asked here since its definitely opened my eyes.
Good. Now you can apologise to her for your rudeness and belligerence.
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/07/2021 09:16

I think underlying all of this you seem to be very worried about not being rude.. this is what led to you taking new born to a mall which wasn't a suitable arrangement for anyone. and then saying they should take their time, you were trying to be polite, and then waiting in a car park with baby and getting annoyed that they didn't hurry up, without (I hope I did'nt miss this bit) even texting them to say.. How much longer.
So as far as I can see all of the above is you trying to be accommodating to your guests, rather than working out what was best for you in what are one off and unusual circumstances. Do they walk all over your normally. Why do you have to please them at the expense of your own/baby's comfort? You need to discuss this with DH and get his support on this. It doesn't matter how things were, this is how they are from now on. Your micro family comes first. Relatives second.
. They didn't understand how accommodating you were being and therefore didn't react as you expected and therefore you "exploded" at them for their thoughtlessness. (although they didn't understand they were being thoughtless. They were, they were thinking about visiting the mall. end of .
Also.. you said you thought theyd be 10 minutes, 20 minutes , 30 minutes, even an hour That short a time period was never going to work, particularly if you were relying on them to regulate themselves, as they do sound really selfish and not considering the baby at all.

However, they'd just been dropped at a mall and told to take their time. They were probably rushing doing two hours. You could have said, ""We will meet you here at xx time or we can't hang around here with the baby so make your own way." Your a new mother and that's probably why you tried to make visiting the mall work and were trying to accommodate them for fear of being thought rude, but you will have to be firmer in the future about what works for you and what doesn't and let others sort themselves out. Its not rude to think about your baby first. If they think that then you and your DH have to stand up to them.
So I think you've got a bigger problem than just being right or wrong or exploding or apologising. Its fine to apologise for exploding but also to say to them, you kept me waiting too long.
Its not easy being a first time mother of a new born. Especially now. Especially when they are vulnerable. and especially when you have pushy relatives who don't have the sense to see for themselves when a plan is unworkable and are dragging you out around the shops with a valuable new born. You can't rely on them. So you need to start relying on yourselves. So what ever you think anyone else wants you to comply with, if its unworkable you have to tell them straight up where to get off. Its not rude. If they don't like it you have to shrug and live with the fact they don't like it but stick to your guns.
The newborn comes first and foremost. Why plan all these outing and relatives if your baby is vulnerable anyway. Why not just say no that doesn't work for us its too soon. If you let overbearing, demanding people push you into doing things that don't suit you - they will carry on doing it. You can relax a bit later when they are older but you cannot allow yourself to be pushed around by anyone because you are the newborn's primary carer. Don't take no for an answer.
Secondly. You were pandering to your guests.. desperately trying not to be rude but this has backfired and will probably continue to back fire unless you get your priorities straight. Let guests do what they want but make sure that the plan suits you and your baby first or this will keep happening. The reason you exploded was because you knew the whole situation was crazy and because you expected them to conform to the "Don't be rude" rules which you felt obliged to stick to so rigidly and it began to be clear that they were not playing by the same rules. Do you find it hard to communicate with them.? You know now that you need to be much clearer with them. Decide in advance what the baby needs and set your expectations of the day and communicate it to them. If they don't listen, repeat. If they still don't listen. Tell them what you are doing and let then suit themselves. It doesn't have to be submit or give offense all the time. Especially if you are clear and speak up.
Lots of pps have made suggestions about what you should have done and its worth considering planning things better. People always take longer than you think.
. Hopefully you are all OK, but this was a valuable lesson that things have changed for you now and the last thing you have to worry about is whether you have been "rude" or not when it comes to your baby's well being. It sounds a bit like you've been conditioned by family to obey and give way and not speak up and called "rude" if you do, but this is a good chance to distinguish between actual rudeness and assertiveness. If pushy demanding people get offended by this. Tough. Congratulations on your newborn btw.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 11/07/2021 09:17

Personally I hate things like this, being made to feel like I should be in a rush! Pleased the OP has seen sense a little, makes a refreshing change!

CoalTit · 11/07/2021 09:18

To everyone asking what the OP means by "acting dry": s/he or someone s/he knows has heard of dry humour or dry wit and wrongly deduced that it means sulky or annoyed.

No she hasn’t. Loads of people use the word dry in the way the OP has.

Ok, then. Loads of people have heard of dry wit or dry humour and have wrongly deduced that dry means sulky, rather than laconic, so now that use is widespread. Among people who have trouble using words to communicate what they mean. Such as Cupcakejamlover.

malteasergeezer · 11/07/2021 09:18

If your newborn really does have a lung infection it seems bizarre and risky that you would willingly take them to a shopping centre and hang around in car parks where there would be high levels of petrol fumes Hmm

thoselinesjustgetfainter · 11/07/2021 09:18

Hmm at the faux confusion of all the posters who claim not to understand "dry" or "mall". I've never heard dry used that way before this thread but it's quite clear from context. Many shopping centres in this country are called malls (on road signs etc) and have been for about 20 years I think. Such Mumsnet snobbishness, refusing to acknowledge that language evolves.

I do agree that YABU though OP. Live and learn!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/07/2021 09:19

*vulnerable. Not Valuable... sorry for the typos.. typing on phone.

yeOldeTrout · 11/07/2021 09:28

It was NOT at all clear from context what OP meant by "dry" -- I guessed it was something to do with not being apologetic enough, or manifesting some other attitude that OP disliked: I didn't need to know the precise meaning so I ignored the word, but nor was it obvious and specific. I'm glad people asked. I couldn't be bothered to google it.

From the context, "Dry" could have meant oblivious, quiet, making wry jokes, ashamed, taciturn, arrogant, unpleasant, initially bubbly but then suddenly shut down all communication, combinations of these or other things, really.

MiddleParking · 11/07/2021 09:29

@CoalTit

To everyone asking what the OP means by "acting dry": s/he or someone s/he knows has heard of dry humour or dry wit and wrongly deduced that it means sulky or annoyed.

No she hasn’t. Loads of people use the word dry in the way the OP has.

Ok, then. Loads of people have heard of dry wit or dry humour and have wrongly deduced that dry means sulky, rather than laconic, so now that use is widespread. Among people who have trouble using words to communicate what they mean. Such as Cupcakejamlover.

Nope, wrong again Hmm
EveryoneIsThere · 11/07/2021 09:30

I don't understand why you didn't phone them when you wanted to go. Did you go in two cars?
YABU - I think exploding at them was a mean and unpleasant. If I were them I wouldn't go on trips with you in future.

Templetreebloom · 11/07/2021 09:31

This is all poor communication OP
Its passive aggressive to say one thing " take your time" and when they do that explode in a rage.
They probably communicate on a way in which they can express their needs effectively and so took you at your word.

Zilla1 · 11/07/2021 09:36

What would be the opposite of dry in this usage that means happy or friendly? I know someone can be acting 'warm and welcoming' or 'a bit cold'. I've never heard of dry in the OP's context though could figure it out and wonder what would be the opposite in this context? All wet and friendly/happy (Good Morning Vietnam-like)?

nimbuscloud · 11/07/2021 09:37

Were your guests travelling in your car? With your vulnerable baby ?

Applesonthelawn · 11/07/2021 09:37

"Take your time" is a very relative statement made out of politeness. It could mean five minutes, it could mean 30. When a newborn is waiting, it should be interpreted as a much shorter period (20 mins max?).

All the posters saying they would take it literally have no sensitivity at all to what is considerate to others, basically no social awareness and no manners.

CurryLover55 · 11/07/2021 09:38

What does acting all dry mean?

DrinkingWishingSmokingHoping · 11/07/2021 09:40

YABVVVU to take a newborn with a lung infection to a crowded shopping centre.
YABU to not ring your idiot relatives after 20 mins or so.
YABU to not go home when it was clear they would rather leave a poorly neonate in a carpark than curtail their shopping trip.