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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have exploded on my friend for this ?

316 replies

Cupcakejamlover · 11/07/2021 01:33

Husband and I, his sister, a family member and his wife decided to spend the day together today. The plan was to go to the mall for a little bit and then go out to different places since they dont live in london and were only here for a visit. We started off by going to the mall, which was extremely busy since its a Saturday. Hubby and i have a newborn who was born with a lung infection and is therefore much more vulnerable when it gets to covid and we are in general much more careful since we do not want to risk anything with him after what we have been through. My husband and i stayed for around 15 minutes and then quickly realised it was way too busy for a vulnerable newborn so we told the others that we will wait for them in the car park (thinking it won’t be too long since we hadnt planned to stay for long anyway).

I didnt want to be rude to the others so out of respect i told them “it is unsafe for the baby here due to the reasons mentioned , we will wait for you in the car park, and since i didnt want to be rude and make them leave immediately i said don’t worry about us take your time.”

For me this was out of respect thinking it would be common sense that if someone is waiting in the car park, they wouldnt make you wait for too long, especially if the plan was only to be there for a little while and then go somewhere else. In my head i was thinking we would wait 10 minutes, 20 minutes , 30 minutes, even an hour i would be still accepting of, but they made us wait for 2 hours with a newborn in the carpark who got extremely fussy.

For me i found this very rude but didnt want to say anything as i tried to understand that queues at tills might have been busy, they might have got lost etc, And was expecting something like “hi guys sorry to keep you waiting, how are you?” When they come back. However they came back extremely dry, almost mad at us themselves (probably for leaving to wait in the car park even though we have a very reasonable excuse) which topped off what already made me quite disappointed and that drove me insane and i bursted at them and told them how rude it was for them to keep us waiting for two hours and then instead of apologising, or even catching up and saying things like hi what should we do now, they were acting all dry themselves, didnt speak to us, and For some reason they didnt even want to do anything else after (which we had initially planned to do other stuff other than the mall) and just planned themselves to go early to our dinner which we were invited to.

They then answered with “ why did you say take your time if you don’t want to wait”

And now i’m thinking was it wrong for me to expect it to be common sense that you wouldnt make people with a newborn to wait 2 hours even if they said take your time? Isnt it obvious that saying take your time is meant out of respect and not to be taken literally? As i said, for me something reasonable would be waiting 30 minutes - 60 minutes max given the business.

What do you guys think?

They never ended up apologising for making us wait for so long, I apologised for exploding which now i regret doing not gonna lie.

FYI i did tell hubbys sister not to stay long since we are waiting in the car park so she knew all along and said okay but then cared nothing, its just the family members that i’m talking about that i said take your time.

OP posts:
aramox · 11/07/2021 06:57

Is it like 'salty'?

KatherineJaneway · 11/07/2021 06:58

@DeathStare

I'm sorry but YWBU at every stage of this.

YWBU to take a vulnerable newborn to London shopping centre on a grey Saturday and not anticipate it would be busy.
YWBU to not realise that people who had planned time shopping at a shopping centre would be there at least a few hours.
YWBU to say "take your time" if you didnt mean it.
YWBU to not set a specific time to meet them again at if you had a specific timescale for other activities that you wanted to stick to.
YWBU to sit and quietly seethe in the car rather than phoning them and either asking them to finish or telling them you were going and would meet them after they had finished.
YWBU to lose your temper with them and blame them.
YWBU to not recognise that having lost your temper with them unfairly this was bound to impact on the atmosphere of the rest of the day out,

This ^
Standrewsschool · 11/07/2021 07:06

I don’t think it’s a case of rudeness, but miscommunication. You said ‘take your time’, implying there was no rush. Also, it’s very easy to visit one or two shops and the time to flash by.

You should have set a time parameter - please be back in 30 minutes etc.

Proudmumtoday · 11/07/2021 07:12

@DeathStare

I'm sorry but YWBU at every stage of this.

YWBU to take a vulnerable newborn to London shopping centre on a grey Saturday and not anticipate it would be busy.
YWBU to not realise that people who had planned time shopping at a shopping centre would be there at least a few hours.
YWBU to say "take your time" if you didnt mean it.
YWBU to not set a specific time to meet them again at if you had a specific timescale for other activities that you wanted to stick to.
YWBU to sit and quietly seethe in the car rather than phoning them and either asking them to finish or telling them you were going and would meet them after they had finished.
YWBU to lose your temper with them and blame them.
YWBU to not recognise that having lost your temper with them unfairly this was bound to impact on the atmosphere of the rest of the day out,

Yup. This.
UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa · 11/07/2021 07:13

Isnt it common sense that if you say take your time it doesnt mean take all day?

OP, you've already said that your eyes have been opened, but I have to agree with PP that you shouldn't have said what you didn't mean. Two hours at a shopping centre isn't that long, and it's certainly not "all day".

That being said, the newborn stage is tough, so hopefully you get cut a little slack for deciding to bring the newborn there in the first place (you won't get things right every time) and for your reaction to the situation.

godmum56 · 11/07/2021 07:15

what actual part of "take your time" means "don't be long"?

StormcloakNord · 11/07/2021 07:20

YABVVVVU unreasonable for calling it "the mall". We're not in Kansas anymore, they're called the shops.

MouldyPotato · 11/07/2021 07:24

You said to take your time so they did!

Rubyrecka · 11/07/2021 07:24

YABU - your child is your responsibility. It's common sense not to take a newborn with a lung infection to a shopping precinct fgs.

You sound like hard work

BonesJones · 11/07/2021 07:24

It comes down to poor communication on your part. You weren't specific, and yet expected others to conform to an arbitrary period of time that you'd set in your head and not thought to communicate to them. Then made them feel guilty and awkward by 'exploding'. That's probably why they were 'acting dry'.

User112 · 11/07/2021 07:26

Why did you even go OP? Aren’t you sleep deprived and tired? You should have let DH go with them while you enjoyed Wimbledon and had a restful day at home!!

DeflatedGinDrinker · 11/07/2021 07:28

OP YABVU this is all on you

roguetomato · 11/07/2021 07:28

I really don't get why you went with your baby in the first place. I would have stayed home and let others go out by themselves.

MoreAloneTime · 11/07/2021 07:29

Next time just say something like you do x, we'll do y and then we'll meet up at this time in this place.

Jobseeker19 · 11/07/2021 07:31

2 hours is nothing in a mall

JonahofArk · 11/07/2021 07:32

Why do people say things they don't mean? You said 'take your time' so they did. And 2 hours in a mall in London on a weekend is not that long.

MyCatDribbles · 11/07/2021 07:34

Yabu, though they could have been a bit quicker

But thank you for starting with “husband and I” and not “myself and my husband” which is what most others would have done and drives me insane

fourminutestosavetheworld · 11/07/2021 07:35

To me, this is just one of those silly miscommunications that sometimes happen between friends and family.

They were in London for a visit, and you suggested some shopping before going somewhere else. When you left, saying 'take your time', they took you at your word. To be honest, I would have expected you to have found a little cafe or something to wait in, or to have gone for a walk, or to have called if you wanted me to be quicker.

Be exploding at them, you spoilt the day and of course they didn't want to do anything after that.

But of course I can see your point too. You assumed they would take 'take your time' to mean '30 minutes at most' and were sitting in a car for two hours with a fractious baby.

Can you build some bridges and have a lovely day today?

tallduckandhandsome · 11/07/2021 07:37

I think you maybe be having some anxiety / stress issues as I don’t what shopping you thought can do in 20 minutes. Even 2 hours is barely scratching the surface of the time I could spend in a nice mall.

I think your friends were remarkably forbearing with you and you should get them flowers or chocolates to say sorry.

Concestor · 11/07/2021 07:40

I hate shopping and am in and out as quickly as I can be but even I couldn't be one half an hour in a big shopping centre unless I was going to buy one specific thing from a shop I already knew stocked it. Those centres are huge! It can take half an hour to walk across one when it's busy

You were very unreasonable and probably ruined their day out with your rudeness. But I know what it's like with a newborn so just learn from it and move on.

satci · 11/07/2021 07:40

What's a Mall? Where does your friend come into it?

MsTSwift · 11/07/2021 07:41

I think you need to improve your communication. It’s not rude to be politely assertive about your own needs and more importantly your baby’s. You are parents now you need to step up. Appalling that you sat in a car park for two hours with a new born but this was partly your fault too sorry.

diddl · 11/07/2021 07:46

I think it depends on where else you were planning to go as to whether 2hrs was a long time & meant that another thing had to be cancelled.

Can't imagine visiting somewhere & going to a shopping centre tbh-well unless it was last on the list & would only be fitted in if time.

chaosrabbitland · 11/07/2021 07:46

sorry ,but i think its your fault , you shouldnt have planned this day out with a newborn , its unfair to expect them to rush about once they had made the effort to come up for this day , take your time means just that , and they did , it also sounds like they liked the mall a lot and just didnt feel like doing stuff afterwards , it really would have been best to have made your apologies to them and said the baby was fussing and you had to go home , thereby avoiding waiting all that time for them

TidyDancer · 11/07/2021 07:47

I think you were in the wrong. You shouldn't have taken your baby anyway, you didn't set a time limit and then you were rude to the people you were with. You need to apologise (I hope you already have tbh!). You overreacted but I'm sure they'll understand that.