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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have exploded on my friend for this ?

316 replies

Cupcakejamlover · 11/07/2021 01:33

Husband and I, his sister, a family member and his wife decided to spend the day together today. The plan was to go to the mall for a little bit and then go out to different places since they dont live in london and were only here for a visit. We started off by going to the mall, which was extremely busy since its a Saturday. Hubby and i have a newborn who was born with a lung infection and is therefore much more vulnerable when it gets to covid and we are in general much more careful since we do not want to risk anything with him after what we have been through. My husband and i stayed for around 15 minutes and then quickly realised it was way too busy for a vulnerable newborn so we told the others that we will wait for them in the car park (thinking it won’t be too long since we hadnt planned to stay for long anyway).

I didnt want to be rude to the others so out of respect i told them “it is unsafe for the baby here due to the reasons mentioned , we will wait for you in the car park, and since i didnt want to be rude and make them leave immediately i said don’t worry about us take your time.”

For me this was out of respect thinking it would be common sense that if someone is waiting in the car park, they wouldnt make you wait for too long, especially if the plan was only to be there for a little while and then go somewhere else. In my head i was thinking we would wait 10 minutes, 20 minutes , 30 minutes, even an hour i would be still accepting of, but they made us wait for 2 hours with a newborn in the carpark who got extremely fussy.

For me i found this very rude but didnt want to say anything as i tried to understand that queues at tills might have been busy, they might have got lost etc, And was expecting something like “hi guys sorry to keep you waiting, how are you?” When they come back. However they came back extremely dry, almost mad at us themselves (probably for leaving to wait in the car park even though we have a very reasonable excuse) which topped off what already made me quite disappointed and that drove me insane and i bursted at them and told them how rude it was for them to keep us waiting for two hours and then instead of apologising, or even catching up and saying things like hi what should we do now, they were acting all dry themselves, didnt speak to us, and For some reason they didnt even want to do anything else after (which we had initially planned to do other stuff other than the mall) and just planned themselves to go early to our dinner which we were invited to.

They then answered with “ why did you say take your time if you don’t want to wait”

And now i’m thinking was it wrong for me to expect it to be common sense that you wouldnt make people with a newborn to wait 2 hours even if they said take your time? Isnt it obvious that saying take your time is meant out of respect and not to be taken literally? As i said, for me something reasonable would be waiting 30 minutes - 60 minutes max given the business.

What do you guys think?

They never ended up apologising for making us wait for so long, I apologised for exploding which now i regret doing not gonna lie.

FYI i did tell hubbys sister not to stay long since we are waiting in the car park so she knew all along and said okay but then cared nothing, its just the family members that i’m talking about that i said take your time.

OP posts:
SlothinSpirit · 11/07/2021 07:47

You were all unreasonable. YABU to plan to take a vulnerable newborn shopping and to sit waiting with them in the car park for 2 hours. What you should have said to your friends is, "I'm a bit uncomfortable here. Do you mind if I take the baby home and you can shop for as long as you like?".

They were being unreasonable to make you wait (with a small baby Shock!) for 2 hours in a car park. There is no way I would have enjoyed shopping knowing that my host and their baby were uncomfortable. Having said that, I would have suggested immediately that either we all leave or you take the baby home and I join later (taking a taxi/public transport if necessary).

dublinbay · 11/07/2021 07:49

You went to the mall with a newborn who has a lung condition during a Covid pandemic and none of the five adults thought this was a really bad idea. Shock

You said take your time so they did.

Proudmumtoday · 11/07/2021 07:49

Why didn’t you find a coffee shop and wait there? Unless it was raining you could’ve found one with outside seating.

WaltzingBetty · 11/07/2021 07:49

You had family visiting London , took them shopping, told them to take as long as they liked. Then had a massive rant at them for taking two hours are are surprised they didn't want to do anything else with you.

Yes YABU

TheFoundations · 11/07/2021 07:54

Nobody 'made you wait'.

You are responsible for yourselves and your baby, it's not up to anybody else to look after you. You need to recognise that this responsibility goes as far as thinking about contingency plans if other people you're with want to do different things from you. What stopped you from asking how long they would be so that you could do something else with the time? You could have gone home (via public transport if you didn't have your car there), or gone to a cafe or gone to the park or anything you wanted. You've essentially chosen to tell people they have all the time in the world, when you had actually set them a time limit, and then got pissed off with them for not realising that you didn't mean the words you said.

Gracie65 · 11/07/2021 07:56

I would usually have considered the need to hurry when you said it was too busy and you'd wait in the car park with your newborn. The fact you said "take your time" would have made put me in a much more relaxed mindset and allowed me to do just that, take my time. I would assume that you had said it because waiting in the car park did not present any problem for you.

0None0 · 11/07/2021 07:56

2 hours is not a long time in a shopping mall. You told them to take their time. They did not take an excessive amount of time. Did you have to sit in the car? Could you have sat or walked in a nearby park? Did both of you have to be there? Could one of you have gone shopping with the group then swapped?

It sounds like you expected everyone else to confirm to your demands, even without actually specifying what those demands are.

Realistically, 2 hours if a day which is half for a shopping trip probably shows they were cutting their shopping short for you ,

Avoidance · 11/07/2021 08:03

I can easily spend an hour in a supermarket so 2 hours in a mall is nothing. YABVU

Dishwashersaurous · 11/07/2021 08:05

This is just a case of miscommunication. A normal amount of time at a shopping mall would be 4-5 hours. Eg the whole morning then do something in afternoon.

But a shopping mall on a Saturday is always going to be really busy and not a sensible place for a newborn.

How far away from the mall do you live? Could you have gone home and then husband go and collect them when finished.

Dishwashersaurous · 11/07/2021 08:08

And as you explicitly said take your time rather than set a time limit I would have assumed that you would either have gone home or somewhere else. Not sit in a carpark.

This is a reminder about the importance of words. If you wanted them to be half an hour, if you were not bothered you say take your time.

Confusedandshaken · 11/07/2021 08:11

To oldies being dry means dry humour. To urban youngsters it means something akin to withdrawn and pissed off. It's not incorrect usage, it's a different usage. Language and slang is constantly evolving.

That being said the OP is BU here. Her choice wasn't between a shopping centre and a car park. The choice was between a shopping centre and anywhere else within a 30 minute walk. It would have made a lot more sense to wheel the baby to a park or pub/coffee shop with an out door seating area and wait there rather than play the martyr and wait in a car park. Or tell your guests you are going home and will either pick them up later or they can get an Uber.

Well done for apologising OP. Chalk this up as a learning moment -the world doesn't revolve around your baby and future say what you mean, don't expect people to read your mind.

GiantWingedWaspMoth · 11/07/2021 08:14

Wow.

Try looking at it from their point of view.

You planned a day out together. Then your friend decided to cut short one of the plans, but made it clear that she was happy for you to take your time. You therefore assumed she was fine with you continuing as planned, and meeting up a bit later. No specific time was mentioned. You are disappointed because you were looking forward to spending time together, and getting to know your newest family member, but you stick to the plan as she suggested.

When you get back (after a not unreasonable amount of time for that specific activity) you get ranted at when you met up again!

You shouldn't set people up to fail that way. If you have certain expectations, you need to let people know - otherwise how do they know to either be there when you want or to let you know it won't go the way you expect?

drpet49 · 11/07/2021 08:14

* They then answered with “ why did you say take your time if you don’t want to wait”*

YABU

grapewine · 11/07/2021 08:15

YABVU. You take a baby with a lung condition to a London shopping centre in a pandemic and talk about others not having common sense. You explode at them for taking you at your word, and then you're actually surprised that they don't want to do any further activities with you.

The mind boggles.

Bitofachinwag · 11/07/2021 08:16

@NiceGerbil

Lakeside/ the other one near there?

Not Brent X I think.

Could be London but not really eg Watford or similar?

They're all shopping centres.
AbsolutelyPatsy · 11/07/2021 08:19

you shoudl have communicated!

Muchasgracias · 11/07/2021 08:20

I get so fed up reading on here that people make decisions inside their own head and do lots of “thinking” and “assuming” bit no actual communicating. And are then completely shocked and appalled when things don’t go as they planned inside their heads….

FFS….communicate!!!

The newborn and the lung infection is neither here nor there. If you’d communicated, you wouldn’t have this problem.

TrixieLou · 11/07/2021 08:21

You took a vulnerable newborn, with weakened lungs, to a shopping centre in London in the middle of a global pandemic on a Saturday?! And it was only meant to be your first stop, you were going to go to other places too? YABVU! They took the piss but you should never have told them to take their time in the first place. You all sound immature and irresponsible tbh.

Holly60 · 11/07/2021 08:23

@user1471457751

Saying "take your time" when you don't actually mean it isn't respectful, I don't know why you think it is. It's just you communicating poorly and saying something you don't mean.
This. ‘Sorry guys, we are going to have to take baby out of the shopping centre. How long are you going to be? If you need another half an hour we will wait in the car park, but if you want to stay longer we will leave and my husband will come and pick you up later’
Noterook · 11/07/2021 08:24

I used to often be the same and say things for the benefit of the other person, ie the 'take your time'. Now I don't, I'm just honest, you can't really be mad at someone when you have gone out your way to say its fine. I'd have probably said we are going somewhere else close by instead and seen if they wanted to come, or got them to phone afterwards and driven somewhere.

TheRebelle · 11/07/2021 08:24

Do you mean a shopping centre or The Mall? I could easily spend two hours in a shopping centre but probably not at The Mall. What does acting all dry mean? The opposite of being wet?

Karwomannghia · 11/07/2021 08:25

It all sounds horribly stressful for you. They took the piss knowing you were waiting.
In future I would prioritise your family’s needs first. These extended family trips can wait, just join in with the things that will definitely be suitable and be prepared to leave and go home if need be.

Crimeismymiddlename · 11/07/2021 08:26

Yabu. You planned a day that is unsuitable for a new born, then when your friends did take their time you got annoyed. Next time maybe one of you could stay home with the baby or a safer day could be planned.

SmokeyDevil · 11/07/2021 08:27

@Monty27

OP I thought you meant the Mall as in Buckingham palace You mean you actually went to a shopping mall? With a newborn amidst a pandemic in central London 😮
I thought she meant that too, so was a bit more understanding about it and the crowds, but a fucking shopping centre?! With a baby that has a lung condition?! How insane are you op? Shock 'Oh I didn't know it would be busy'. Bullshit, it's a weekend in London, after months of restrictions, of course it would be bloody busy! Your poor child. Next time, sit down for a second and think 'is this a good place to take a vulnerable baby if it's busy'. If the answer is no, don't go. Don't assume it won't be busy, you live in London, you should know by now it's busy. Hmm

Also, guessing you are American with that phrasing, it's shopping centre. You live in Britain, learn our terminology.

Figgygal · 11/07/2021 08:28

Monumentally bad idea from start to finish unfortunately
I’d apologise if I were you and not try anything so adventurous for a while