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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have exploded on my friend for this ?

316 replies

Cupcakejamlover · 11/07/2021 01:33

Husband and I, his sister, a family member and his wife decided to spend the day together today. The plan was to go to the mall for a little bit and then go out to different places since they dont live in london and were only here for a visit. We started off by going to the mall, which was extremely busy since its a Saturday. Hubby and i have a newborn who was born with a lung infection and is therefore much more vulnerable when it gets to covid and we are in general much more careful since we do not want to risk anything with him after what we have been through. My husband and i stayed for around 15 minutes and then quickly realised it was way too busy for a vulnerable newborn so we told the others that we will wait for them in the car park (thinking it won’t be too long since we hadnt planned to stay for long anyway).

I didnt want to be rude to the others so out of respect i told them “it is unsafe for the baby here due to the reasons mentioned , we will wait for you in the car park, and since i didnt want to be rude and make them leave immediately i said don’t worry about us take your time.”

For me this was out of respect thinking it would be common sense that if someone is waiting in the car park, they wouldnt make you wait for too long, especially if the plan was only to be there for a little while and then go somewhere else. In my head i was thinking we would wait 10 minutes, 20 minutes , 30 minutes, even an hour i would be still accepting of, but they made us wait for 2 hours with a newborn in the carpark who got extremely fussy.

For me i found this very rude but didnt want to say anything as i tried to understand that queues at tills might have been busy, they might have got lost etc, And was expecting something like “hi guys sorry to keep you waiting, how are you?” When they come back. However they came back extremely dry, almost mad at us themselves (probably for leaving to wait in the car park even though we have a very reasonable excuse) which topped off what already made me quite disappointed and that drove me insane and i bursted at them and told them how rude it was for them to keep us waiting for two hours and then instead of apologising, or even catching up and saying things like hi what should we do now, they were acting all dry themselves, didnt speak to us, and For some reason they didnt even want to do anything else after (which we had initially planned to do other stuff other than the mall) and just planned themselves to go early to our dinner which we were invited to.

They then answered with “ why did you say take your time if you don’t want to wait”

And now i’m thinking was it wrong for me to expect it to be common sense that you wouldnt make people with a newborn to wait 2 hours even if they said take your time? Isnt it obvious that saying take your time is meant out of respect and not to be taken literally? As i said, for me something reasonable would be waiting 30 minutes - 60 minutes max given the business.

What do you guys think?

They never ended up apologising for making us wait for so long, I apologised for exploding which now i regret doing not gonna lie.

FYI i did tell hubbys sister not to stay long since we are waiting in the car park so she knew all along and said okay but then cared nothing, its just the family members that i’m talking about that i said take your time.

OP posts:
YellowMonday · 11/07/2021 04:49

YABVU - you literally told the group to take their time! At any stage did you shoot a text to your family/friends or give them a quick call?

For some reason they didnt even want to do anything else after (which we had initially planned to do other stuff other than the mall) and just planned themselves to go early to our dinner which we were invited to

It's very obvious that you offended everyone and they did not want to spend time one-on-one with you based on your behaviour.

I strongly suggest to reach out and apologise.

annie335 · 11/07/2021 05:02

YABU. Bad idea to go in the first place and you were very rude.

georgarina · 11/07/2021 05:07

The issue is you didn't communicate - and actually said the opposite of what you felt - and you expected them to read your mind.

You say "why didn't they text us to say they were staying long" - you had already told them to take their time. If YOU were uncomfortable with the length of time then why didn't you text them??

Better communication is needed. Not saying the opposite of what you mean and then getting annoyed when people don't get that.

Challengerice · 11/07/2021 05:10

Utterly alien to me that adults, family members, behave and interact like this. All adults in this scenario, including the OP.

Bumbers · 11/07/2021 05:17

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I would have said the same - take your time to be polite, but meaning take 20 mins not 10mins. So - still legitimately saying take your time, but with a reasonable expectation of what that would mean.

I would NEVER have left friends, let alone friends with a newborn, wait outside for 2 hours. That is so rude.

MitzyMooo · 11/07/2021 05:19

You were rude to make arrangements then disappear and expect everyone to follow you.

BusterGonad · 11/07/2021 05:19

What does 'dry' even mean? 2 hours in a Mall is literally nothing. Why on earth did you think they'd be 10 minutes?
You sound crackers op, for many reasons.

Jaguar77 · 11/07/2021 05:19

You need to stop the passive aggressive behavior and state what you really want . Exploding at people for not reading your mind is appallingly ride behavior.

ChocOrange1 · 11/07/2021 05:33

I also thought you mean "The Mall" by Buckingham Palace, not a shopping Mall.

Anyway, YABU. If you wanted them to take under an hour you should have said so.

Why didn't you take the baby for a walk, or drive somewhere else (home?) and arrange to meet them later?

Why didn't you phone them after 45 minutes and as if they were heading back as baby was fractious?

Why did you expect them to read your mind, rather than doing what you had explicitly told them to do?

MaBroon21 · 11/07/2021 05:40

Op, the day out was doomed to failure from the start and I think as a new mum you’ll learn from it and not get into this kind of situation again with your wee one.

miltonj · 11/07/2021 05:47

While if I was put with you, and you wanted to leave because of said reasons I would probably be like 'of course, let's all go do something different together', they didn't. And you told them it was ok. You need to say what you mean, people aren't mind readers. Also you shouldn't have stayed for 2 hours in the car park? That's the most wtf bit. Why didn't you go do something else with your husband and baby while you waited? They probably assumed you would do so, so didn't feel bad taking their time. I think you were definitely in the wrong and need to work on being more direct.

anon12345678901 · 11/07/2021 05:53

Sorry YABU, you told them not to worry and to take their time, so they did. If you had wanted to leave sooner why didn't you and your husband leave with your newborn and text your friends to let them know? This ones on you I'm afraid, not your friends

CorianderBee · 11/07/2021 05:55

You're I the wrong. Nobody spends 30 mins in the shopping centre.

MiddleParking · 11/07/2021 05:56

This whole thing is completely weird. If your newborn is so vulnerable to Covid why on Earth would you take them on a car journey with several other people right now, let alone then go on to take them to a London shopping centre? And why would you expect four other adults to revolve their planned day out in a different city around your newborn, rather than heading home yourself and letting them get on with enjoying their day and get a taxi or public transport? It sounds like you can only be either: correct about your baby’s level of vulnerability, but totally ill-equipped to look after them appropriately, or; deliberately overstating the baby’s vulnerability in an attempt to change your relatives/friends’ day out to suit you. Either way I wouldn’t be queuing up to go for dinner with you after being ‘exploded’ at so rudely and unreasonably. Nobody is ever going to go to one of these big shopping centres as a tourist and leave after twenty minutes.

DeathStare · 11/07/2021 06:09

I'm sorry but YWBU at every stage of this.

YWBU to take a vulnerable newborn to London shopping centre on a grey Saturday and not anticipate it would be busy.
YWBU to not realise that people who had planned time shopping at a shopping centre would be there at least a few hours.
YWBU to say "take your time" if you didnt mean it.
YWBU to not set a specific time to meet them again at if you had a specific timescale for other activities that you wanted to stick to.
YWBU to sit and quietly seethe in the car rather than phoning them and either asking them to finish or telling them you were going and would meet them after they had finished.
YWBU to lose your temper with them and blame them.
YWBU to not recognise that having lost your temper with them unfairly this was bound to impact on the atmosphere of the rest of the day out,

jay55 · 11/07/2021 06:12

How is a car park full of exhaust fumes, safer for a baby with a lung condition, than a shopping centre?

Medievalist · 11/07/2021 06:15

Would anyone really take a newborn with a lung condition to a shopping centre in London on a Saturday in normal times, never mind during Covid? Sounds completely irresponsible to me.

And who waits in a car park at a shopping centre for an unspecified length of time Confused ?
Surely you'd discuss rough timings and say if they just wanted a quick look (though who does that?) you could wait 20-30 mins, but if they wanted longer you'd head home and they could either make their own way back or dh could go back and pick them up.

Dresssos · 11/07/2021 06:22

YABU

I have my money on Westfield Stratford!

3ormorecharacters · 11/07/2021 06:31

Classic MN.

OP: "AIBU?"
Literally everyone: "Yes."
OP: "No I'm not."

Eviethyme · 11/07/2021 06:31

The more sensible thing would have been to say to call when they are done and how long do they think they will want and to meet up later

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 11/07/2021 06:39

I've never been to London, if I did go and the plan was to go to the shops, I think I would expect more than 20 mins to look around so YABU. You shouldn't have bothered going. It was obviously going to be extremely busy. You should have planned to meet them somewhere else after.

The fact you say them being a bit dry drove you insane, and you exploded at them, makes me think you may be a bit highly strung. You are an adult, you can be pissed off at people and not have an outburst at them in a public place. They were probably mortified.

I'm absolutely sure there must have been somewhere else you could've gone rather than wander round the car park for 2 hours. However, I'm guessing this is your first child. You will get the hang of it. Your world is revolving around them, and you are clearly worried about your baby (rightly so), but you can't expect everyone else's world to revolve around the baby, especially when you and your partner are there.

MerryDecembermas · 11/07/2021 06:46

OP it's time to accept that your and DP's life now revolves around your baby. Not everyone is going to be happy about that. In future put baby first to begin with, lesson learned.

CoalTit · 11/07/2021 06:46

To everyone asking what the OP means by "acting dry": s/he or someone s/he knows has heard of dry humour or dry wit and wrongly deduced that it means sulky or annoyed.

NavigationCentral · 11/07/2021 06:55

All I’ll say is that this new phrase I’ve heard - “acting all dry” sets my teeth on edge. It’s gone to join hubs, holibobs, drinkypoo, Cheeky (food/drink item), and such like.

MiddleParking · 11/07/2021 06:55

@CoalTit

To everyone asking what the OP means by "acting dry": s/he or someone s/he knows has heard of dry humour or dry wit and wrongly deduced that it means sulky or annoyed.
No she hasn’t. Loads of people use the word dry in the way the OP has.
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