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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

XDH won't help support DD now she's 18

332 replies

AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 18:50

We're divorced but amicable. We had a court order for him to pay maintenance until she leaves secondary education. I thought this would be August when she receives her A level results and child benefit stops but he checked with her school and they said she was no longer on the register from June so he stopped paying. I didn't argue the toss but asked if he could help me support her financially until she goes to Uni or would he consider either giving her the money direct or help by going 50/50 on getting her set up at Uni. He said no. I'm disappointed for her that he's acted this way. DD has not got a job because I wanted her to focus on her studies. She's applied for jobs since leaving school but has so far been unsuccessful.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 10/07/2021 20:49

Have one last go. I'd email him details for uni accommodation with a link for him to pay. Tell him this is her accommodation for university and to pay his part. Then leave it at that.

Original poster
AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 20:50

@cashmerecardigans no he has no intentions. He even told his brother a while ago that once she's in Uni she's on her own.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 10/07/2021 20:52

So many men do this, as soon as their legal obligation is up, they don’t think of the morals. Heard it so many times.

Original poster
AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 20:53

@Hankunamatata as he's so keen to stick to the letter of the law I've emailed my solicitor to ask for clarification of the date for finishing secondary education. If I'm die any money, I will give it to her direct to put towards / cover the cost of her University things

OP posts:
CastawayQueen · 10/07/2021 20:54

@MouldyPotato because he is her parent and wants to make life easier for her ? So she can do extras like maybe go on holiday, or go out to eat?
If you're the sort of parent who withholds money 'on principle' you can expect the same treatment from adult children (unless a child is clearly feckless).

Helloandhelloagain · 10/07/2021 20:59

I’ve warned my ex husband if he does this my son will know all about it. It’s not on . Let your daughter know . Why 18 is the magic number I don’t know. Presume you stop paying out then? No exactly. I get if the amount was lessened but for it too stop is wrong

dustmitesprite · 10/07/2021 21:01

My father did this when my brother and I finished school. We did approach him directly as pp has suggested, my DM stayed out of it.
We showed him our budget and asked for money to cover specific essentials.
Turned us both down flat, told us his commitment was finished and if we couldn't afford university we should drop out and get a job.
That was the beginning of the end of our relationship. Neither of us have seen him for more than 10 years and he's never met his grandchildren.
We both finished our degrees and very grateful to our DM for everything she's done for us.

HollowTalk · 10/07/2021 21:02

[quote AbsolutelySure]@Bollindger I've paid a £200 deposit already, not sure if there'll be another payment but will try and find out. Thank you for the heads up [/quote]
Check whether the deposit is returned or whether it's knocked off the summer rent. My daughter's deposit was more than that and I was expecting it back as it was needed towards the next accommodation's deposit but instead it was taken off the summer term's rent and she spent it!

cabingirl · 10/07/2021 21:08

I can understand him stopping paying you the maintenance when she turns 18 because she is technically an adult but I can't understand him simply not wanting to pay the money she needs directly to her.

We split all university costs down the middle with my DSDDs mother for their undergraduate degrees. They were on their own mostly apart from the occasional gift for post-graduate education.

Lovemusic33 · 10/07/2021 21:11

My ex is counting down to when dd1 turns 18, I’m sure he will stop paying the day she leaves school ☹️

Sunshinedaisymeadowsxx · 10/07/2021 21:13

DSS 50/50 for the last 6 years at least, we’ve always paid maintenance, however we’ve also now stopped. DSS is uni in sept, we share equal costs, now they are zero. He buys his own clothes as he has a job…… uni wise his hall price out weighs his maintenance loan price. His DM is paying the difference as we can’t afford too, we’ve two DC, DSS is her only child and she’s in a financially better position. But…. That’s life. We’ve subsided her for 6 years despite 50/50….
I get why he’s stopped paying as 18;… but does DC spend time there? He still needs to do the basics……

MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 21:14

CastawayQueen my parents made sure I had the essentials and any luxuries like holidays I had to earn money for myself. Seems fair to me.

In this case though OPs ex isn't even helping with essentials thats what I've got a problem with.

morepizzapls · 10/07/2021 21:21

I don't think it matters that what he legally 'agreed' is finished..this is his child...

I couldn't imagine my DH not supporting our daughter, especially if he was a high earner which it sounds like your ex is, and would help her out whilst she is still young.

My parents unfortunately were not in a position to be able to help me when I was in my late teens and it used to leave my mum in tears. She always used to say she wished her and my dad could help me with finances more but they did what they could in other ways.

Can't understand your ex's mindset tbh, strange he would rather his daughter struggle. What is that all about? Does he think now she's left education he wants her to learn to stand on her own two feet immediately? Or is he just selfish?

DahliaMacNamara · 10/07/2021 21:24

Did you not get a letter about child benefit, OP? DD's only stops in about 8 weeks' time, a few weeks before the first term at university. I would have thought child maintenance obligations would run to a similar timescale.

AnneElliott · 10/07/2021 21:30

God he's a shit. Can't wait until he stops paying for his own daughter. I hope she cuts him off without a backward glance.

Coyoacan · 10/07/2021 21:30

I hope your daughter remembers this

I totally disagree. I would be justice, but I would hope she does not hold onto the feelings of rejection his attitude inspires.

Classica · 10/07/2021 21:35

So sad that these seems to be a not uncommon experience, if this thread is anything to go by. Beyond me how some men can so casually walk away from their own child, as though they're leaving a workplace for somewhere new. No emotion involved.

CastawayQueen · 10/07/2021 21:38

@MouldyPotato so your parents gave you money for essentials - and you had to cover luxuries yourself. Fair enough. However if you had a full maintenance loan - would they have given you absolutely nothing - not even a tenner every month?

There's a difference between having enough to afford the 'bare' essentials and having a decent standard of living. Yes, students should work part-time for extra money. But to make them work all possible hours to have a bit more than the 'essentials' is cruel when a parent can afford it.

I was one of those who worked all hours because I HAD to. I have come out of it with a good career and a good job but it was very very hard. I was constantly on the edge. That carefree period of time as a uni student (no responsibilities etc) people talk about? Yeah for me that was a fantasy. No money for nights out (watching while other people had fun with their mates). Reading all of people's stories about how they had a fantastic time at uni. For me it was work, study, work, job hunt. And that's what it's going to be for the next 50 years of my adult life.

Of course I'm not unhappy with my lot in life. My parents sacrificed everything to send me abroad (internal student) and the fees were £10k a year payable up front. But I can't imagine someone subjecting their child to what I had to go through - what is the point of making them suffer? If they're responsible kids as parents let them enjoy their lives. They will grow up too soon.

Meatshake · 10/07/2021 21:38

Actually she has the legal right to apply in court for maintenance payments to be paid whilst she's in tertiary education.

C0RINNA · 10/07/2021 21:40

So many apologists for selfish lazy fathers on this thread. It’s very sad. I can only assume they think they are punishing their ex, when in fact they are simply alienating their kids.

Funny how it’s always men ( and their new partners ) who do this. I don’t know any mothers who have thrown out their kids on their 18th birthday and told them to sign on / get a job / rent a flat.

CastawayQueen · 10/07/2021 21:41

*international student

ExtraOnions · 10/07/2021 21:41

My DH paid for his children until they were 21 … no question

Iggly · 10/07/2021 21:43

Is it so outlandish to want to help your child? To support your child?

I literally don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t. I’m already saving up for my dcs so when they’re older, they have a financial cushion. Unlike me who had fuck all.

MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 21:44

There's a difference between having enough to afford the 'bare' essentials and having a decent standard of living

I know this. I too had to work to earn money and couldn't afford to go out like other people in my flat.

And no my parents didn't give me a penny above what they deemed essential. If I needed something I had to ask them for it specifically. They couldn't afford anything else.

I'm not saying it's right at all that dad shouldn't help out in this case but it does make a difference what the money is for. If it's so she can go on holiday or out every week with her mates then I think that is a luxury not an essential. I think dad should be helping her with specific money for eg. Rent or a supermarket voucher every week if she is struggling for food.

PearlNextDoor · 10/07/2021 21:44

My x has done the same, she turned 18 and that was it, he stopped paying. The children's allowance has ended for her, and she's off to uni in September so it's an expensive time. And like you OP, I didn't encourage her to get a job because I wanted her to concentrate on her exams!

My daughter has reacted to this by saying she is changing her sur name to mine. He will go nuts when he finds out and he will blame me. I'm like 50:50 don't care what he says but seriously a bit scared of him. It's her decision but he will never believe that.