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Original poster

XDH won't help support DD now she's 18

332 replies

AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 18:50

We're divorced but amicable. We had a court order for him to pay maintenance until she leaves secondary education. I thought this would be August when she receives her A level results and child benefit stops but he checked with her school and they said she was no longer on the register from June so he stopped paying. I didn't argue the toss but asked if he could help me support her financially until she goes to Uni or would he consider either giving her the money direct or help by going 50/50 on getting her set up at Uni. He said no. I'm disappointed for her that he's acted this way. DD has not got a job because I wanted her to focus on her studies. She's applied for jobs since leaving school but has so far been unsuccessful.

OP posts:
PurpleWaterBlue · 10/07/2021 19:48

All these men who seem to think divorce means they are divorcing their children also.

Absolutely fucking disgusting bastards, not to mention heartbreaking for those kids.

It's a shame there's no Minority Report style seeing in to the future so these shits can have their testicles surgically removed before they have chance to create human beings they can mess up. Leave the fathering to the many decent ones.

igelkott2021 · 10/07/2021 19:48

@DingDongThongs

She's 18 - she can get a summer job.
Yes but that should be to teach a work ethic and get work experience, not because her father is a tight-fisted git who can afford to give her money and won't.
HollowTalk · 10/07/2021 19:48

My XH agreed to pay until they finished university and did, even though they stayed on to do MAs. But then I had something on him that he didn't want the OW to know so that gave me great leverage. Grin

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 10/07/2021 19:48

She's 18 ffs He is entitled to stop paying. What do you expect , him to pay indefinitely? She'll have to get a job.

webuiltthiscityonrockandwheat · 10/07/2021 19:48

My dad did this. Not that the £25 a month he was paying helped much. I don't see why fathers can duck out of financial responsibility while the mothers don't get the option

Original poster
AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 19:49

@FunMcCool when we were together she was the apple of his eye, he then did the dirty and he left, she sees him every couple of months, more her choice - he lives five mins away. We have another DD who is 16 and she stopped speaking to him three years ago after the way he treated me in particular. He hurt her dearly and he's not made any attempt to reconcile with her.

He thinks he has a great relationship with DD1.....

OP posts:
tempester28 · 10/07/2021 19:49

That doesn't really sound amicable

MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 19:49

@AbsolutelySure

We also live in a village with minimal and costly bus routes and I work full time. DD can't drive yet either
Ah.

Anything she can sell on ebay?

MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 19:50

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

She's 18 ffs He is entitled to stop paying. What do you expect , him to pay indefinitely? She'll have to get a job.
But if mum also stopped paying she'd be out on the street with no home.
Original poster
AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 19:51

@tempester28 oh it is, because although he's hurt me and DDs, I'm not the person to hold a grudge or anger.

OP posts:
Original poster
AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 19:52

@MouldyPotato don't think they read the post, just the title.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 10/07/2021 19:52

I expect ex to do the same.

He tried to stop making payments when she finished secondary school but CMS chased him when I told them she was still in education.

Poor DD mine and yours. In the long run I’d hope these deadbeat fathers don’t expect their DC to be there for them in their old age. As mine definitely will not give their father the time of day.

DoubleTweenQueen · 10/07/2021 19:53

I don't understand why a financially solvent, involved supporting loving parent would not want to support their child through their education.
What a peach of a father.

SusannahSophia · 10/07/2021 19:53

My exH did exactly the same. Stopped paying on DS3’s 18th birthday at the end of June. It was last summer so little chance of getting a job. What makes it worse is that DS3 thinks the sun shines out of his dad’s arse. Only positive is that DS3 gets the full maintenance loan at uni because it’s based on my earnings only.

They’re both tossers. Giving the very bare minimum they can legally get away with to support their own children.

DingDongThongs · 10/07/2021 19:53

Having a dad who stopped paying child support when I was 12 to a nurse Mother meant I went to school in a £3 grey cardigan from BHS - shed loads of hassle over that instead of the official school jumper at £12. Cardi wasn't even the right shade of grey. Towards the end of Yr 7 the HOY asked did I like the cardi- my reply no. She found me one from the school second hand shop. Can't tell you how much that meant.

I got a job at 13-worked since. My kids don't ever have the wrong stuff.

JSL52 · 10/07/2021 19:55

@Macncheeseballs

That is a bit mean, but do you need the money
Does it matter ? He should help his daughter at Uni. surely????
snowballer · 10/07/2021 19:56

@Macncheeseballs

That is a bit mean, but do you need the money
Is he not still her father?! What does it matter if OP "needs" the money or not? So many apologists on this thread for arsehole men who throw off their children at the earliest opportunity.
RandomMess · 10/07/2021 19:56

You should have gone to CMS as he would be liable until September

JSL52 · 10/07/2021 19:57

@Doghead

I don't really understand. Why do you think she'll need more money? My son got maximum student loan and never needed more money from anyone
Why wouldn't a Dad want to help ?
motogogo · 10/07/2021 20:01

She needs to speak to him directly and stare she needs help. It's completely unfair he's shirking his responsibility.

I have a spousal maintenance agreement until my children finish university (you can't claim cms beyond 18 but can petition for spousal support) and it also covers beyond education for my dd with sn if she can't support herself

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 10/07/2021 20:02

@AbsolutelySure

We're divorced but amicable. We had a court order for him to pay maintenance until she leaves secondary education. I thought this would be August when she receives her A level results and child benefit stops but he checked with her school and they said she was no longer on the register from June so he stopped paying. I didn't argue the toss but asked if he could help me support her financially until she goes to Uni or would he consider either giving her the money direct or help by going 50/50 on getting her set up at Uni. He said no. I'm disappointed for her that he's acted this way. DD has not got a job because I wanted her to focus on her studies. She's applied for jobs since leaving school but has so far been unsuccessful.
No he didn't. He asked the last day they would be in school. The government would not pay child benefit until the end of August if they had legally left school.

Have had a couple of phone calls like this over the years. Some tried it when their kid reached 16 - and because I wasn't giving false information (or information they could twist in this way), I told them that maintenance runs until they leave approved education 'which could be until their 20th birthday if they stay on or need to repeat a year'. Strangely, my responses haven't exactly been welcomed by the callers. But it's saved them from getting into shit with CMS if they follow it, so I'm doing them a favour, really.

simbobs · 10/07/2021 20:05

My DS has found it almost impossible to get a job in the fairly rural area in which we live. There are vacancies, but no one wants to employ students who will leave in September, and many chains are franchises, so no guarantee of being able to transfer.

Your exh is a poor excuse for a father, but he will reap what he has sown in his lonely old age.

jayho · 10/07/2021 20:06

my ex also stopped paying maintenance for our daughter the day she left school but started paying her instead. Support continued until she left uni and got a job - it was a private arrangement between them I don't know the amounts.

About 18 months ago she had some serious mental health issues and had to move back in with me, he's giving her financial support.

He's no prince and I'm not bigging him up but he understands his responsibilities as a parent and a human - if you can help, why wouldn't you?

Your ex is a shit

DingDongThongs · 10/07/2021 20:07

@RandomMess

You should have gone to CMS as he would be liable until September
You probably still could. Apply.
frazzledasarock · 10/07/2021 20:07

So what if a child gets a student loan? I’ll be needing to subsidise my DD’s student loan. Obviously ex won’t bother. He’s waiting till CMS stop collecting money from him for my DD.
And my DD won’t get the student loan till the beginning of the academic year. So till then she’ll have nothing.

DD is still both of our financially responsibility, you don’t throw your DC out your house on their 18th birthday you are still their parent.

I will forever be grateful to DH for treating my older DC as his own and never resenting paying for them from the family pot.

I sincerely hope ex burns in the hottest part of hell for the hardships he put my DC through.