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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

XDH won't help support DD now she's 18

332 replies

AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 18:50

We're divorced but amicable. We had a court order for him to pay maintenance until she leaves secondary education. I thought this would be August when she receives her A level results and child benefit stops but he checked with her school and they said she was no longer on the register from June so he stopped paying. I didn't argue the toss but asked if he could help me support her financially until she goes to Uni or would he consider either giving her the money direct or help by going 50/50 on getting her set up at Uni. He said no. I'm disappointed for her that he's acted this way. DD has not got a job because I wanted her to focus on her studies. She's applied for jobs since leaving school but has so far been unsuccessful.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/07/2021 20:08

My friend took her ex dh to court over this and he had to stump up.

I thought they had to support until child finished education. But if not, then it should be renegotiated at university age.

Classica · 10/07/2021 20:09

Your poor daughter. Her father sounds like a cold-hearted shit who looks on his parental responsibility as a shackle to be shaken off asap.

I hope she has a great time at university when the time comes.

FlyingBattie · 10/07/2021 20:11

My dad washed his hands of us when we turned 18 too.
He had never paid a penny in maintenance, but as soon as we turned 18 that was it- no Christmas or birthday presents or messages, nothing. We're non contact now.

Bollindger · 10/07/2021 20:12

just a heads up she will need £250 deposit on where ever she rents from the Uni, My child had not read the paperwork, and told me the DAY before she needed the money.

Reallyreallyborednow · 10/07/2021 20:15

I don't really understand. Why do you think she'll need more money? My son got maximum student loan and never needed more money from anyone

This. I completely supported myself through uni. Worked in the holidays. My mum never offered, i never asked.

Unless loans have changed and they’re based on both parents incomes now?

If you don’t want her to get a job to focus on her studies then that’s you taking away an income stream.

Arsebucket · 10/07/2021 20:16

I will forever be grateful to DH for treating my older DC as his own and never resenting paying for them from the family pot.

Same for me.

My dh will do anything and everything for ds. He never begrudges him anything, never expects anything in return, has never seen it as supporting ‘my child’. Ds has just always been his family and treated accordingly.

Menora · 10/07/2021 20:20

Mine stopped too, I asked him to at least help her learn to drive or £10 a week but he refused to her face

He could also help but won’t. It’s not the same as not being able to help

Original poster
AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 20:20

@Bollindger I've paid a £200 deposit already, not sure if there'll be another payment but will try and find out. Thank you for the heads up

OP posts:
Bloodypunkrockers · 10/07/2021 20:22

Ex did this 2 months before DD left school

He didn't even give her a card for her 18th birthday

C8H10N4O2 · 10/07/2021 20:23

That is a bit mean, but do you need the money

Whether or not the OP needs the money is irrelevant - its for his daughter, not the OP.

Sounds like a total prince of a father frankly.

StaffRepFeistyClub · 10/07/2021 20:30

This is what my dad did. I was a real daddy’s girl but he got bored. He didn’t want to support me at university and wasn’t interested in what I did.

I gave up trying.

I haven’t spoken to him or seen him in twenty years. He knows why and tried to make excuses but he was never his fault. So I am just disappointed and he has never had the opportunity to know his grandchildren.

Same with my DB’s children.

That is what happens to these dads who just want wrangle out of parental responsibility. Karma bites them on the arse eventually.

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/07/2021 20:36

If she gets the maximum loan then accommodation will not be 2/3 of her loan.

JacquelineCarlyle · 10/07/2021 20:36

What a shit Op - your poor DD. I never understand these men (my dad was similar). I really hope karma bites him in the arse and she gives him a wide berth in future.

MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 20:38

I can understand him not paying OP if that's what the agreement was but that means he now has more cash to spare so he can use that to support his daughter directly.

Babyroobs · 10/07/2021 20:38

@DingDongThongs

She also sign on.
I'm not sure they can claim benefits until the August of the schoolyear they finish studying. This is because child benefits/ child tax credits etc will continue on the parents claim until that date. This is what I was told anyway ( we don't claim any benefits ).
CastawayQueen · 10/07/2021 20:39

It doesn't matter what she needs it for - she is his DAUGHTER his own flesh and blood for God's sake.
Feckless men really make my blood boil.

Original poster
AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 20:39

@MyDcAreMarvel her accommodation is £6.7k for the year so it's over 2/3rds what she will get overall

OP posts:
thenewduchessofhastings · 10/07/2021 20:42

What an absolute POS.

He isn't helping you,he's helping her.He could have offered her an allowance until she goes to uni and offered to cover some things for her eg a kettle,a set of sauce pans etc.

Men like him often don't end up having a relationship with their adult children.

Brainwave89 · 10/07/2021 20:42

Mean sod. Nothing that you can do, he is obviously operating to the letter of the law. Just make sure your daughter knows that everything from now is coming from you.

Classica · 10/07/2021 20:43

@MouldyPotato

I can understand him not paying OP if that's what the agreement was but that means he now has more cash to spare so he can use that to support his daughter directly.
Yeah, seeing as the OP said he nagged his daughter to reimburse him for the £30 he leant her for a pair of jeans...I doubt it!
cheeseismydownfall · 10/07/2021 20:44

This thread is sickening. I am so angered by these fucking disgusting men who are counting down the days to when they can switch from doing the bare minimum to doing fuck all to support their own children.

It is a disgrace, a stain on our society. They should be publicly shamed.

MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 20:44

@CastawayQueen

It doesn't matter what she needs it for - she is his DAUGHTER his own flesh and blood for God's sake. Feckless men really make my blood boil.
It does matter what she needs it for though. Why would either parent give her extra cash if she has enough to live off? (not saying this is true in this case as OP has made clear money is needed to set her up at uni).
MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 20:45

Classica yes I know. I agree the dad in this case is a dick.

cashmerecardigans · 10/07/2021 20:46

My XH stopped paying as they turned 18. However, he did continue to support them directly rather than through me, which was absolutely the right thing. Do you think he is planning to do that instead? The uni costs are horrendous, it's not the same as if they are just going off to work.

Northernlurker · 10/07/2021 20:48

What a twat. Well those chickens will come home to roost one day....