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Original poster

XDH won't help support DD now she's 18

332 replies

AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 18:50

We're divorced but amicable. We had a court order for him to pay maintenance until she leaves secondary education. I thought this would be August when she receives her A level results and child benefit stops but he checked with her school and they said she was no longer on the register from June so he stopped paying. I didn't argue the toss but asked if he could help me support her financially until she goes to Uni or would he consider either giving her the money direct or help by going 50/50 on getting her set up at Uni. He said no. I'm disappointed for her that he's acted this way. DD has not got a job because I wanted her to focus on her studies. She's applied for jobs since leaving school but has so far been unsuccessful.

OP posts:
poptartsarefood · 10/07/2021 21:46

What are his feelings about university and higher education and did he go through it himself. Depending on his own upbringing and how old he is he might be from a family where kids make their own way at 18. It sounds like you both have different views on parenting and he thinks he's done.

mindutopia · 10/07/2021 21:51

Sadly, this was my dad. He made it very clear he was done supporting me as soon as I finished secondary school. Funny enough, I have no idea what he meant because he never paid maintenance and thought that because I got some benefits because he was disabled (grew up not in the UK - he had plenty of money, lived in a nicer house and drove a nicer car than we ever did!), that was his bit. Big song and dance about how he wasn't going to help me at all in uni, including paying the parent portion that - by law - was based on his income. I saw right through it. Your daughter will too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2021 21:51

Often universities only give two tickets to graduations. You and DD2.

You reap what you sow.

CastawayQueen · 10/07/2021 21:55

@MouldyPotato but you parents could not afford it. He can. Several times over. That's the difference.
Even if the daughter wanted to use the money for luxuries so what? As a parent why wouldn't he want his daughter to have money to enjoy her life? Of course not a huge amount so she can buy Gucci bags but why is it wrong to expect him to contribute IF he is able to? What is he achieving by not contributing at all?
It's not a very nice attitude to have towards your own children...

Sorry OP this isn't really relevant but so many men (as PP mentioned - always men) do this. Somehow the richer they are the less keen they are to contribute. Even if they don't 'have' to it's their child - and they just was their hands as though they're a mortgage or some other financial liability with a fixed term. Disgusting

quizqueen · 10/07/2021 21:57

My ex husband's solicitor worded it so the deal read that he would stop paying on the kids leaving school but I insisted on rewording it - for maintenance to cover everything relating to full time education. My one daughter's college was miles away and I knew the coach fare to it was going to be over a grand a year. He had no idea about that and had to pay for it in full. Forward planning.

MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 21:58

CastawayQueen he might think it's better saved for a house deposit rather than holidays who knows. Or his nursing home fees.

But all this is irrelevant as the dad in this case is not even helping with the bare minimum of essentials and can afford to.

Original poster
AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 21:59

@poptartsarefood he went to university and had no support from his parents which he always begrudged. He's flippant and says totally inappropriate things like 'ah once she gets amongst the drugs she won't need money for food'. He's really odd at times, socially awkward I think and says the wrong thing.

OP posts:
CastawayQueen · 10/07/2021 22:00

@AbsolutelySure he might want her to 'suffer' (?) just as he did...

Original poster
AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 22:00

@CastawayQueen I agree, the more disposable income he has gotten over the years, the less he's been willing to part with it.

OP posts:
CastawayQueen · 10/07/2021 22:00

[quote AbsolutelySure]@poptartsarefood he went to university and had no support from his parents which he always begrudged. He's flippant and says totally inappropriate things like 'ah once she gets amongst the drugs she won't need money for food'. He's really odd at times, socially awkward I think and says the wrong thing.
[/quote]
That's true... it's just the dad's cavalier attitude I have issues with

Original poster
AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 22:01

@CastawayQueen well if that's the case, he's an absolute shit. In fact he is one already

OP posts:
Greydrapes · 10/07/2021 22:02

My son has such a prince for a father too OP. Chin up kid x

CastawayQueen · 10/07/2021 22:05

@AbsolutelySure as pp have said the chickens will come home to roost... don't worry.
People regret their misdeeds when old. When they realise what the warmth of family and care for other human beings actually mean.
But when young and rich and focused on work they are selfish... 'all money is FOR ME, I ALONE earned it, family doesn't exist once divorced'

Mine and DP's parents are not like this but one of my uncles was. Children are all now in decent professions, never visit him and he'll be alone in the nursing home .. paid for with his precious money.. for the next few years.

CastawayQueen · 10/07/2021 22:07

Also the irony is his parents didn't support him and he's not happy - can he not see that his daughter will do the same to him...

MzHz · 10/07/2021 22:17

If he’s paid everything he’s supposed to pay by court order, you @AbsolutelySure knew when this was going to end and would have made provision accordingly

Would you just keep paying someone for the sake of it when you didn’t have to.

No, you plan for this and make adjustments accordingly

feelingfree17 · 10/07/2021 22:17

Setting them up at Uni and making their room homely and purchasing kitchen equipment really adds up. Make a list of everything she will need and send to him asking what he is going to purchase.

Arsebucket · 10/07/2021 22:19

@MzHz

If he’s paid everything he’s supposed to pay by court order, you *@AbsolutelySure* knew when this was going to end and would have made provision accordingly

Would you just keep paying someone for the sake of it when you didn’t have to.

No, you plan for this and make adjustments accordingly

Shes his daughter, not a HP agreement Confused
JSL52 · 10/07/2021 22:20

@MzHz

If he’s paid everything he’s supposed to pay by court order, you *@AbsolutelySure* knew when this was going to end and would have made provision accordingly

Would you just keep paying someone for the sake of it when you didn’t have to.

No, you plan for this and make adjustments accordingly

So it's all down to the mother ???
Authenticcelestialmusic · 10/07/2021 22:20

There are a lot of warehousing vacancies at the moment. It’s worth driving around the industrial estates, I saw 3 adverts earlier today on the side of warehouses, just as I drove through an industrial estate £11.00 an hour was mentioned on one. Also try warehousing recruitment agencies in some areas they provide transport too for anti social shifts. In some areas of the U.K. there are a lot of vacancies apparently. It might not be the job she wants for the summer but she could earn a fair bit to take to uni.

He is an arse btw.

Original poster
AbsolutelySure · 10/07/2021 22:20

@MzHz I expected him to pay maintenance up until end of August in which case I would have used that money to pay for her university thing. He stopped paying in June so I've asked my solicitor for clarification. I am prepared to pay for her essentials, I accept he isn't. It doesn't mean I can't be disappointed at his decision.

OP posts:
MzHz · 10/07/2021 22:26

If she finishes school in June, why on earth would you expect payment until a term that literally is irrelevant?

I don’t understand your logic at all

I left school the day I’d done my last exam, the day after my 16th birthday

If he’s ordered to pay until the end of secondary education, he has done.

It’s not a case of him cheating you, his obligation has come to an end.

converseandjeans · 10/07/2021 22:27

anotherlovely

She's 18 ffs He is entitled to stop paying. What do you expect , him to pay indefinitely? She'll have to get a job.

It's not about him paying indefinitely but one would hope he might want to support her. My Dad was still giving me money for my cab home when I was about 41.

It's also the pettiness of phoning school to check.

He sounds really mean and selfish.

MzHz · 10/07/2021 22:27

If I were in this situation where I’d got a settlement, he’s pay his way etc, I’d not be surprised when it comes to me to pick up the baton.

You’re wrong about this, he’s done nothing wrong.

Classica · 10/07/2021 22:31

his obligation has come to an end.

And that's it. Some people see it as an obligation coming to an end. Like paying off a bank loan or something.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/07/2021 22:31

You’d think he would want to help.

Sadly, many parents both resident and not believe once an adult they no longer need to fund children and either expect rent from them or for them to move out.

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