XDH won't help support DD now she's 18

[AbsolutelySure]

We're divorced but amicable. We had a court order for him to pay maintenance until she leaves secondary education. I thought this would be August when she receives her A level results and child benefit stops but he checked with her school and they said she was no longer on the register from June so he stopped paying. I didn't argue the toss but asked if he could help me support her financially until she goes to Uni or would he consider either giving her the money direct or help by going 50/50 on getting her set up at Uni. He said no. I'm disappointed for her that he's acted this way. DD has not got a job because I wanted her to focus on her studies. She's applied for jobs since leaving school but has so far been unsuccessful.

It's interesting too that some of the posts on here, or attitudes repeated, are that as the nrp has been paying cms, its now the RPs 'turn', as though the RP hasn't also been supporting the child up to that point almost always to a considerably higher degree than the nrp. The vast majority of 18 yo uni students are still dependent on their parents at least in part and not least because they could be home for almost a 3rd of the year. Its not always possible to find work, especially now, and if you don't live near a big town or retail park and don't run a car or have good transport links, similarly its v difficult. I really can't see a moral argument for the nrp to not support their child for as long as the RP is also needing to.

@HugeAckmansWife I'm sure my XDH thinks that he's solely paid for their upkeep. It's crazy really, it really is and such a shame. One PP really brought it to home, if we were still together, he'd still be contributing.

I'm not a NRP basher lol, not at all. I'm not chasing him for money or bad mouthing him to DDs, I'm just really disappointed in the attitude. Having said this, I have emailed my solicitor for clarification of the date of finishing school for if he wishes to abide by the court order, he won't mind if my solicitor says it's the end of august.

@Frankola if you think a student can afford accommodation, living costs and student materials on a part time wage these days you're also living in another world.
This attitude that parental responsibility stops when your child turns 18 is so fucking depressing. I feel sorry for you.

@theweedonkey I haven't actually said any of that...

What I have said is there is no reason an 18 year old cannot get a part time job.

I have also said that yes cms stops at this age.

It doesn't mean however that NRP should stop giving any money at all. NRP can provide money directly to the child as and when needed. I never said that shouldn't happen.

Posters have just assumed that I believe all money should stop.

@Arsebucket

It’s hard when they still think the sun shines out of their arses though.

Sadly, my son listened to the lies about me, exh and his family laughing about me. He had a few years as a young teen where he was angry at me because his dad told him the all the money he gave me was for him, so it should all be pocket money. I was keeping if from him.

It’s really affected my relationship with ds. The things his dad abs family say about me (i’m thick, I’m an lier), ds has lapped up since the age of 8. When he was little his dad used to send me messages telling me that ds was laughing about me with his parents.

Now he’s told ds that it’s up to me to finally take responsibility to bring him up now that he’s not paying for it.

Sorry, don’t know where I’m going with this, but it’s heartbreaking.

Sit your DS down, with a list of his expenses plus household bills then show him what his father has paid per month for a few months then ask him which bit would be his 'pocket' money or even covering all hsi essential expenses.

This is exactly the reason why I don't hold with the 'don't bad mouth the dad' thing. I factually told my DC what their father was paying (when and if he was) and then when we would go shopping we would add up the shopping. It took next to no time for my DC to see that I was the only one paying for everything.

I'm disappointed for her that he's acted this way.

Your DD will know, and as she grows into adulthood, she will make her judgements. I hope her father is prepared for that.

@frazzledasarock I did that at the time, ds was 14/15. He told his dad. His dad said that if i wasn’t so thick that all I could do was care work, I’d have more money. (His father also sent me that in a text telling me I was lucky that he earned so much and could pay).

How thick I am is a running theme to ex and his family (all high achievers, they didn’t want him to marry me in th first place because I’m not).

I can’t win on any level.

I often wondered if my son hated me so much why he didn’t just want to live with his dad. they seem to have such fun running me down when they are together.

As horrible as this sounds, I would offer for your son to go live with his dad, if he has so little respect for you. Nothing tying him down accepting your money earned by your 'thick' job keeping a roof over his head and paying for everything for him.

His dad can clearly pay for everything plus pay (whatever amount of child maintenance he was made to pay) as pocket money.

Your son knows the truth.

And key workers are not thick, you all kept the country ticking over during lockdown.

@frazzledasarock

As horrible as this sounds, I would offer for your son to go live with his dad, if he has so little respect for you. Nothing tying him down accepting your money earned by your 'thick' job keeping a roof over his head and paying for everything for him.

His dad can clearly pay for everything plus pay (whatever amount of child maintenance he was made to pay) as pocket money.

Your son knows the truth.

And key workers are not thick, you all kept the country ticking over during lockdown.

Ds is very nearly 19 now.

I suspect he will go shortly.

[quote AbsolutelySure]@DrinkFeckArseBrick no she won't ask him, a couple of years ago she plucked up the courage to ask him if she could 'borrow' £30 for a pair of jeans, he lent her the money and then kept texting to find out when she was going to pay him back which totally stressed her out. [/quote]
I think this is quite shocking and sad.
Also, for the sake of a couple of hundred quid he is destroying his relationship with his daughter. A daughter who is obviously bright and has a great future ahead. Who should be his pride and joy that he can support whilst she developed as a young women.
But instead he thinks a few pounds saved is more important.
I don't think it is possible to understand this mentality.
The surprise is that you say you are disappointed. Did you really have any expectations to be disappointed about or did you expect this bevaviour?

I'm sorry @Arsebucket do you think his father will be happy to take him in?

I reckon ex would have but he would have mistreated my DC and not supported them in their studies or wanted them to progress, he was very jealous of anyone having more than he had, he didn't have a degree and would be spitting about my eldest going on to uni.
Ex would have used my DC as unpaid domestic staff I'm pretty sure of that.

My older DC are both changing their names to mine and DH's. if ex ever finds out he will be spitting and all woe is me.🙄

@frazzledasarock

I'm sorry *@Arsebucket* do you think his father will be happy to take him in?

I reckon ex would have but he would have mistreated my DC and not supported them in their studies or wanted them to progress, he was very jealous of anyone having more than he had, he didn't have a degree and would be spitting about my eldest going on to uni.
Ex would have used my DC as unpaid domestic staff I'm pretty sure of that.

My older DC are both changing their names to mine and DH's. if ex ever finds out he will be spitting and all woe is me.🙄

No. The only reason he would want ds is to get one over on me.

He’s only seen ds maybe once a month sat-sun since he as 13, less since he was 16.His wife isn’t ds biggest fan, my fault though as I’m such a terrible mother.

ds is a huge disappointment to him. eh h has four sisters, all their dc see high achievers, at or going to top unis.

Of course, it’s all down to my piss poor parenting that ds isnt.

@frazzledasarock see, we weren’t married when ds was born, we married a few months later and ds had our surnames double barrelled. Only he’s dropped by name now, just uses his dads. Feels like another kick in the teeth.

[quote CastawayQueen]@AbsolutelySure as pp have said the chickens will come home to roost... don't worry.
People regret their misdeeds when old. When they realise what the warmth of family and care for other human beings actually mean.
But when young and rich and focused on work they are selfish... 'all money is FOR ME, I ALONE earned it, family doesn't exist once divorced'

Mine and DP's parents are not like this but one of my uncles was. Children are all now in decent professions, never visit him and he'll be alone in the nursing home .. paid for with his precious money.. for the next few years.[/quote]
This is so true. As I get older I am seeing it more and more.
Nobody has said they wished they had more money when in a nursing home but plenty wish they had better relationships with their family, not made big deals about small stuff and not made up or forgiven petty stuff, had educated themselves and had traveled more when they had opportunities. They seem to be the the big issues when you are reaching life's end.

My older DC are both changing their names to mine and DH's. if ex ever finds out he will be spitting and all woe is me.🙄

I definitely think we should be moving towards women keeping their names and giving children their mum’s surname.

Men can change their names to match their kids if they want. To quote many women’s reason for name changing- it would show they are “proud to be a husband and father”.

@ClareBlue good point. I suppose I kind of expected this treatment but disappointed he hasn't proven me wrong

It would be worth considering if you would get more for just your youngest DD switching to CMS now/September so he doesn't pull the same stunt when she finishes!

Or does he pay above the CMS rate even after subsequent pay rises etc?

@RandomMess I've just done a quick calculation and if believed he would pay double what he pays now, though I'm happy with the amount now he pays. I don't need him to pay more, I just don't like his attitude towards the 'cut off'.

Very interesting though and I would certainly drop it in conversation if necessary. If we have a court order though would the CMS overrule this?

I believe (but please check) you can halt the court order after a year and go to CMS.

TBH I would go to CMS to help save something to help them both through uni.

The friction (and that's putting it mildly) would be massive, he'd be incandescent with absolute rage! Could CMS come back with a lower figure than what their calculation suggest? I doubt I could go down this route. I've mentioned his lack of moral standards, this wouldn't sit well within my moral standards.

If he's employed with wage slips etc they can ultimately issue a deductions of earnings order.

I am preparing to get flamed for this.
If he is the high earner, maybe consider not putting his name on her student finance forms. She will get less support and need to work to top it up as s a result: unless of course he is likely to support her. ??

With student finance you only declare the earnings of the parent you live with.

She doesn't have to declare his. Mine didn't.

I've only needed to declare my own finances