XDH won't help support DD now she's 18

[AbsolutelySure]

We're divorced but amicable. We had a court order for him to pay maintenance until she leaves secondary education. I thought this would be August when she receives her A level results and child benefit stops but he checked with her school and they said she was no longer on the register from June so he stopped paying. I didn't argue the toss but asked if he could help me support her financially until she goes to Uni or would he consider either giving her the money direct or help by going 50/50 on getting her set up at Uni. He said no. I'm disappointed for her that he's acted this way. DD has not got a job because I wanted her to focus on her studies. She's applied for jobs since leaving school but has so far been unsuccessful.

ps, and snap, if my DD was giving my x attention, he wouldn't have cut the maintenance. But she has her head in other places right now. And he doesn't get that, he also takes it personally and wants to punish her.

I'm lucky that we can just about get by. I have a younger child though and sending him to uni might be tougher as in the next three years i won't be able to save at all.

I'll worry about that then.

@Iheartbaby

But what I don’t get is why do fathers do this to their kids but then treat their new children with their new wife very well. Why are these fathers not able to see how badly they treat their children from their first relationship.

My dad never supported me or my brother and we had to support ourselves through uni. But once his second lot of kids from his next relationship got to uni age he paid for everything for them.

I just don’t understand how they don’t see it, or maybe they do and they just don’t care.

It's even more puzzling when the "new" children aren't his but are the new GF/DW's

Not only was CMS reduced (when he bothered to pay) but he was suddenly playing top dad to the step daughter

DD regularly compares herself to the step daughter. Having seen social media pics from her 18th, it hits DD even harder that she didn't even get a birthday card

What a revolting man. Anyway, she is now an adult. I advise to make this an issue between her and him. Men like him think he is helping YOU out and he doesn't want to anymore. Allowing her to take ownership of their relationship makes it obvious to all parties that he is telling her that he doesn't want to support her. Take yourself out of the equation. By making it between them, he will possibly realise he is facing a life without a daughter if he fails to be a parent.

Doesn't anyone here feel the bigger argument is the question - at 18, shouldn't these kids be getting jobs to give themselves financial freedom?

I had a job at 14. I went to uni and held down a job at uni whilst getting a First.

No.

@Bloodypunkrockers yep, my ex reduced maintenance as new wife had two children….who’s father paid maintenance for them…so why it meant he had to pay less towards his own child, i’ll never know.

Or, if you want a fuller answer: no, unless you want to completely overhaul wage legislation, student finance, further education provision and in particular FE provision for disabled young people, and benefit eligibility.

@Frankola

Doesn't anyone here feel the bigger argument is the question - at 18, shouldn't these kids be getting jobs to give themselves financial freedom?

I had a job at 14. I went to uni and held down a job at uni whilst getting a First.

Absolutely right. Frankola

OP I don't even know why you're still talking to the girl, she officially an adult now, the responsible thing to do would be to put all her belonging on the front step and change the locks. Anything less would be coddling.

I think Frankola is one of those freaky hothoused kids. She's already said she was working and getting firsts at university aged 14.

I had the same thing when i got divorced. My second child was 18 and just off to university and I had a 14 year old. My husband, who earned about 2.5 x my salary didn't give me any financial support for the 18 year old even though I had her at home for 16 weeks of the year (she was training to be a teacher so couldn't take on a part-time job due to regular school placements). He stopped the payments for my youngest the month she turned 18 as that was his legal commitment - it's crap OP!

@theweedonkey

If you think that it's coddling an 18 year old to expect them to get a part time job I think it says more about you than it does about me.

How strange...

@Ideasplease322

There is a strange attitude from some on mumsnet about parental support.

Some weren’t given a penny after 16 or 18, some were even kicked out of the home to fend for themselves. Some see this as a badge of honour and get angry if anyone else is given support, almost scoffing at these snowflakes whose parent feed them, or help out with transport, rent or other living costs.

They can’t see beyond their own personal experience and any on who approaches it differently is wrong.

It is really sad that your ex doesn’t want to help his children.

I agree. I think that most of these posters are in fact non paying fathers or their new girlfriends, who resent paying for their/ his children.

I had no support from my own parents when I was at university ( even though they could afford it ) as they didn’t approve of women going to university . They wanted me to marry in my teens and believed that it was a waste of time and that being educated would put off many potential husbands.

I was really hard up even though I worked in the holidays and at weekends. It took most of my wages for rent and sometimes I was struggling to buy food. I couldn’t ever do things like go to the student union as I couldn’t afford it , let alone go out for pizza with friends. I literally never went out for a drink the whole time I was at uni.

I vowed that it would be different for my kids and I saved from when they were born for their education. I’m glad that I did and it’s given me great pleasure to see them have in a good time and doing well at uni.

I really cannot understand these men who claim to love their kids but won’t help them out when they could easily afford it. Clearly they don’t love their kids at all and sadly the kids know it.

@PearlNextDoor

My x has done the same, she turned 18 and that was it, he stopped paying. The children's allowance has ended for her, and she's off to uni in September so it's an expensive time. And like you OP, I didn't encourage her to get a job because I wanted her to concentrate on her exams! My daughter has reacted to this by saying she is changing her sur name to mine. He will go nuts when he finds out and he will blame me. I'm like 50:50 don't care what he says but seriously a bit scared of him. It's her decision but he will never believe that.

I admire her nerve!

@MzHz

If I were in this situation where I’d got a settlement, he’s pay his way etc, I’d not be surprised when it comes to me to pick up the baton.

You’re wrong about this, he’s done nothing wrong.

Only technically. Morally however, he is selfish and greedy. He cares nothing for his daughters - his own flesh and blood. My parents helped me out with things, long after I finished education. I intend to pay it forward.

What kind of job is an 18 year old uni student supposed to get where she can afford all her uni needs (including normally expensive accommodation) completely independently? Because presumably if her dad doesn’t need to support her to teach her independence, her mum also doesn’t.

I was self sufficient at 18 by the way, so I’m not clueless. I worked and claimed some benefits to help me. It was absolutely rubbish and I’m hoping to support my children so they can go into further education rather than slogging away in full time jobs as teenagers.

I also wonder if all the posters defending the father kicked their children out of the house and provided no further support the day they left secondary school. I would guess not. Because that’s what this father has done. He hasn’t said ‘ok you need to get a part time job to pay for your own luxuries.’ He is refusing to provide any financial support whatsoever, shifting all responsibility to the mother the second it is legally allowed.

Has this changed then? I thought CMS was paid until 20 if they stayed in full time education or went to uni?

@justchecking1 no it’s only CMS until the end of a levels, and they allow a couple of extra years for finishing those but not for Uni students. So it finishes at 18 if you’ve done your a levels or 20 if you are still doing your a levels or equivalent at that age

Oh, ok. That makes sense. Annoying

@ddraiggoch this is exactly why he has fallen out with her. She is not a field that two farmer brothers can squabble over. She's her own person and not for sale and he hates that. He cannot grasp that though. Assumes im poisoning her against him!!

Op - you sound incredibly balanced about it and have handled it with dignity. I admire you hugely for keeping it so amicable. Your DD will know only too well who has supported her.

Similar here for DD just about to go to Uni, but he will continue paying maintenance until August as when my DS turned 18 I sent a solicitors letter saying child benefits and tax credits ended officially in the August so that’s when the CM should stop.

He hasn’t seen DD for 4 years, has gleefully told me he will get a full time job again (gave his up 4 years ago so he didn’t have to pay as much cm to ME - because that’s how he sees it, for all the many luxuries I buy 😂) once he ceases sending maintenance.

Wanker !

Money is very tight here, (even more so having been furloughed on 80% for parts of the last year and having eBayed everything I own to make ends meet) but I would rather eat my own foot than see the kids, and they will always be my kids despite being adults, struggle. I will never ever understand his attitude but I expect nothing from him and am rarely disappointed….

DS received a bursary every year at Uni, automatically through student finance so that really helped. If your DD is on maximum loan you might find she will get one. Depends on the Uni. But that didn’t kick in until the 2nd term so won’t be of much use to her at first.

DD has managed to get a bar job, to try and have a buffer financially when she starts. Very proud of her because she suffers with anxiety and depression and is on medication. But that means me picking her up 4 nights a week 10 miles away anytime between midnight and 3 am. I leave for work at 6 am !

Not complaining, it’s called being a parent and let’s face it she’s only got one.

Op my exh did the same the day both our boys turned 18 he stopped paying and informed tax credits 'for me' when they finished education. He hasn't paid a penny since, not even bought them can of de-icer for their cars when they got them. It's like he's washed his hands of any responsibility towards them. So sad for them and they are very aware of the fact that he's done this.

It’s hard when they still think the sun shines out of their arses though.

Sadly, my son listened to the lies about me, exh and his family laughing about me. He had a few years as a young teen where he was angry at me because his dad told him the all the money he gave me was for him, so it should all be pocket money. I was keeping if from him.

It’s really affected my relationship with ds. The things his dad abs family say about me (i’m thick, I’m an lier), ds has lapped up since the age of 8. When he was little his dad used to send me messages telling me that ds was laughing about me with his parents.

Now he’s told ds that it’s up to me to finally take responsibility to bring him up now that he’s not paying for it.

Sorry, don’t know where I’m going with this, but it’s heartbreaking.

Lots of sad posts on this chat. Yes at 18 young people can get a part time job etc and lots do but loving proud parents usually do their best to provide a starter pack and some money to supplement the loans.
My DF worked nights in a factory mainly so he could chuck some more cash my way (he wanted to help)
Why have a family if you are going to say right you’re 18 that’s it you can get loans and credit cards sod off! Oh and work every night in bars while you’re at it.