XDH won't help support DD now she's 18

[AbsolutelySure]

We're divorced but amicable. We had a court order for him to pay maintenance until she leaves secondary education. I thought this would be August when she receives her A level results and child benefit stops but he checked with her school and they said she was no longer on the register from June so he stopped paying. I didn't argue the toss but asked if he could help me support her financially until she goes to Uni or would he consider either giving her the money direct or help by going 50/50 on getting her set up at Uni. He said no. I'm disappointed for her that he's acted this way. DD has not got a job because I wanted her to focus on her studies. She's applied for jobs since leaving school but has so far been unsuccessful.

Thank you to everyone for their support. It's such a shame that there are many people in the same boat, giving such a bad name to those parents who are separated but continuing to support their DCs financially and emotionally as parents should.

@BasicDad it would be great had we co-parented. I didn't work for 12 years as I brought up our DCs whilst he set up his business. Over time he began to resent supporting us whilst he worked and I looked after the family, so I went back to work as soon as DCs were in secondary school. We split shortly after due to his infidelity. He had that little involvement in parenting, that DCs did not realise that he'd moved out for the first three months (he came back at weekends and they accepted my story of him 'working away').

XDH has a son, my DSS, he counted down the days until he was 18 and paid the final payment pro rata. We weren't together at that time but I remember him rubbing his hands with glee. I always knew he wouldn't support DDs after the final maintenance payment though he had agreed it made sense to pay until end of august but then went to the school for clarification and made his last payment in May.

If XDH had paid his maintenance until august this thread wouldn't exist (by me) as I'd have used that money to help set up DD. No 'nukes' have been set off, there has been no frosty exchange of words so no relationships broken, DD is aware that payments have stopped and although disappointed she still obviously loves her dad.

My last comment to him by email was to do what he felt was the right thing to do by his daughter. His comment was that he felt he should stick to the court order. I wait for clarification from my solicitor regarding the date for finishing secondary school.

@Rebornagain

Maybe I'm missing something but when I went to uni I didn't get any financial help from parents. They helped me move etc but when your 18 you are an adult and isn't the whole point of going to Uni is to learn to live and move away from Parents?

Yes you are missing something. Why do you think part of the student loan is means tested using the parents income? Answer, it's because the government expects parents to financially support their adult children through uni.

Even with a student loan, a part time job in term time and a full time job in the holidays the income wouldn't cover our daughter's basics. We had to provide the short fall. It's what decent parents do if they can afford it. The op's ex can too, but has chosen not to.

@Vrnyoop and others. I will look at the links you have provided though I don't want to go down the route of trying to claim money from him after this whole starting university thing is cleared up. That will fuel his resentment. I will be there to support DD as much as I can, when she needs it and I will put money aside each month. I'll support her when she asks as she's very comfortable asking me. I would like her to try to manage on her own and I know that's what she'll try to do but I'll be there if she's struggling and if it gets too much I will see if he will help at that time.

OP, of course YANBU to think that he should support her but YABU to expect it, I'm afraid, given his history.

What I would say is this. You're in a great position, although things may be temporarily difficult. You're coming to the end of the hard slog period of raising kids. You're the one who will have your DC in the house for Christmas, who can make plans with them, who will be involved with weddings and grandchildren and hearing about their first jobs and anything else that happens in their lives in the future. You have all this to look forward to while it sounds like your eldest DD will soon choose to see her father less and less (and the youngest already has the measure of him). Well done, you have done such a great job and your children know this.

@AbsolutelySure he sounds like a weasely turd. I didn't mean to imply you specifically had set the scene for poor co-parenting. You sound like you've done a fine job of supporting your kids and their relationship with their dad.

Why is it expected to help financially whilst a child is at uni?

What if the NRP doesn't have the money to assist? Support doesn't have to be financial but when it comes to NRPs it is always expected.

@Rebornagain what does NRP mean? XDH does have the finances, he doesn't support DD emotionally either. Not sure if you've read the post or just scanned it

@Rebornagain surely support, financial or otherwise, should be given by parents. That is the role of any parent, resident or non-resident

@Reallyreallyborednow

I don't really understand. Why do you think she'll need more money? My son got maximum student loan and never needed more money from anyone

This. I completely supported myself through uni. Worked in the holidays. My mum never offered, i never asked.

Unless loans have changed and they’re based on both parents incomes now?

If you don’t want her to get a job to focus on her studies then that’s you taking away an income stream.

Your mum didn’t offer to to help you in any way? That’s tough - was she in a precarious financial position.

Did you go home in holidays? If so did you pay for your own food and share of the bills?

I understand some parents simply can’t afford to help their children, but in this case it sounds like the dad just doesn’t want to. Which is douse his right but it does sound mean.

I worked through university, but lived at home So my parents covered food, living expenses and paid for some basics like public transport.

Mine did exactly this . If you were still married he’d be contributing wouldn’t he ? Wankers !

@Flibbitygibbit that's actually a really valid point. Yes he would, without question.

Some shockers on this thread. DHs dad was the resident parent and as he was a high earner DH's loan didn't even cover accommodation. He had a job from age 12 (not sure that's even legal) so that he could feed himself so it wasn't a shock when no help at uni was offered.

It's not really about legal obligation though. If ops exH can provide financial support in order to make his DD's uni experience easier/more enjoyable why on earth wouldn't he. Just because some posters provided solely for themselves through uni it doesn't mean that everyone else should where there's the option not to. DH certainly won't be advising our DC to start working every day after school from age 12 just because he did.

Tell him his children didnt divorce him!

Well eventually you reap what you sow and when he needs helps in his old age, your kids will turn their back!

There is a strange attitude from some on mumsnet about parental support.

Some weren’t given a penny after 16 or 18, some were even kicked out of the home to fend for themselves. Some see this as a badge of honour and get angry if anyone else is given support, almost scoffing at these snowflakes whose parent feed them, or help out with transport, rent or other living costs.

They can’t see beyond their own personal experience and any on who approaches it differently is wrong.

It is really sad that your ex doesn’t want to help his children.

Most students find a part time job whilst working. Everyone I know did this and we all managed to focus on our studies and pass with top grades.

Also there are student loans.

I don’t think you can force him to keep paying, unless he owes you back payments?

At least your DD has one parent, who is supportive and a parent. She will appreciate that and it will massively help her take that next step.

Even the poorest parents would still offer their kids a roof over their heads for holidays or when they needed it when they either went to college or into a job. It’s a transition phases - the emphasis on transition - not push off the edge of a cliff and turn your back!

I know because my Dad did push me off the edge of a cliff. It’s taken me years to realise how awful that was. Now I have zero respect for him.

@Ideasplease322

There is a strange attitude from some on mumsnet about parental support.

Some weren’t given a penny after 16 or 18, some were even kicked out of the home to fend for themselves. Some see this as a badge of honour and get angry if anyone else is given support, almost scoffing at these snowflakes whose parent feed them, or help out with transport, rent or other living costs.

They can’t see beyond their own personal experience and any on who approaches it differently is wrong.

It is really sad that your ex doesn’t want to help his children.

I think 99% of those saying they fended for themselves still had some help from one or both parents. They just don’t want to admit it or have ‘forgotten’.

@Ideasplease322

There is a strange attitude from some on mumsnet about parental support.

Some weren’t given a penny after 16 or 18, some were even kicked out of the home to fend for themselves. Some see this as a badge of honour and get angry if anyone else is given support, almost scoffing at these snowflakes whose parent feed them, or help out with transport, rent or other living costs.

They can’t see beyond their own personal experience and any on who approaches it differently is wrong.

It is really sad that your ex doesn’t want to help his children.

If anything having gone through it people shouldn’t want their DC to. I don’t at all…

@Ideasplease322

There is a strange attitude from some on mumsnet about parental support.

Some weren’t given a penny after 16 or 18, some were even kicked out of the home to fend for themselves. Some see this as a badge of honour and get angry if anyone else is given support, almost scoffing at these snowflakes whose parent feed them, or help out with transport, rent or other living costs.

They can’t see beyond their own personal experience and any on who approaches it differently is wrong.

It is really sad that your ex doesn’t want to help his children.

I agree with this 100% but I do find it sad that so many people think its normal to not have supportive parents.

To be fair, you said in the OP that she doesn't want to get a job because she wants to focus on her studies.

But she has applied for jobs.

Either way the dads a dick

OP, have you looked into whether your DD might be eligible for a bursary from her uni? DS1 got a bursary from his uni which came as a surprise to us as we hadn’t checked it out. He automatically qualified through agreeing thar Student Finance could share household finances with the uni. With DS3 we actively checked which unis gave the best bursaries and what their criteria were. Each uni seems to do this differently and we weren’t eligible at all of them. They ranged from £0 - £2000 a year.

It doesn’t solve your immediate situation, nor make your ExH a better person, sadly, but might give your DD a bit of cheer.

If you Google bursaries at your DD’s firm and insurance unis you should get some info.

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou yes whilst studying for A levels she wanted to concentrate on her studies (which was throughout Covid anyway) but since finishing her studies, she has applied for jobs unsuccessfully so far.

@Ideasplease322

There is a strange attitude from some on mumsnet about parental support.

Some weren’t given a penny after 16 or 18, some were even kicked out of the home to fend for themselves. Some see this as a badge of honour and get angry if anyone else is given support, almost scoffing at these snowflakes whose parent feed them, or help out with transport, rent or other living costs.

They can’t see beyond their own personal experience and any on who approaches it differently is wrong.

It is really sad that your ex doesn’t want to help his children.

Totally agree with you @Ideasplease322

I was one of those kids that was basically kicked out the door at 18, having already been pretty much feeding for myself for years.

It was horrible and lovely and I really struggled. I am not close with my parents now and they very rarely see their grandchildren. I don't want this for my own children. Of course I want to raise them to become independent, but that doesn't require me washing my hands of them once they turn 18.

*Horrible and lonely

It was not bloody lovely lol.

@Rebornagain you need to take your question to student finance and benefit assessors.

As previously explained, both are set up with the expectation that parents support young people until 21 years old. So an 18 yo can't claim benefits. And student finance is based on parent income. Unless the parent formally declares that they are financially estranged from their child. So a parent is actually obliged to support an adult child. Where the parent is non resident and the adult child is in education or is disabled, the court can order support (schedule one mentioned above). Where the parent is resident, they are required to support.