XDH won't help support DD now she's 18

[AbsolutelySure]

We're divorced but amicable. We had a court order for him to pay maintenance until she leaves secondary education. I thought this would be August when she receives her A level results and child benefit stops but he checked with her school and they said she was no longer on the register from June so he stopped paying. I didn't argue the toss but asked if he could help me support her financially until she goes to Uni or would he consider either giving her the money direct or help by going 50/50 on getting her set up at Uni. He said no. I'm disappointed for her that he's acted this way. DD has not got a job because I wanted her to focus on her studies. She's applied for jobs since leaving school but has so far been unsuccessful.

[quote AbsolutelySure]@DrinkFeckArseBrick no she won't ask him, a couple of years ago she plucked up the courage to ask him if she could 'borrow' £30 for a pair of jeans, he lent her the money and then kept texting to find out when she was going to pay him back which totally stressed her out. [/quote]
What a caring father.

@StrangeToSee op can absolutely force him to contribute as her dd is in full time education. There is express provision for that in the Children Act. Why on earth should student finance provide for a young person when her parent has means to do so? It's a misuse of funds.

The student finance more than covers all living expenses. Any student that says it doesn't is trying it on

Don't be ridiculous, @Doghead. Hall fees take up a huge % of the loan and if parents aren't giving money regularly then students have to work. It's very different for students who live at home for free and keep their existing part-time jobs.

@Doghead if a parent has means to contribute then a student shouldn't be accessing that level of student finance anyway. If op was earning over the threshold for max finance would you say it was ok for her dd to use student finance and for op to pay nothing?

He sounds like an absolute dick head. I suppose there's not much you can do about it though.

@Kanaloa

Well the lack of effort he has put in now will be repaid to him in full when he realises he has a poor relationship with his own child. It’s awful though but nothing you can do.

Yes, some day he will be sad and lonely with only his money for company. Some hope for the Ghost of Christmas Past to pay him a visit.

@Doghead

The student finance more than covers all living expenses. Any student that says it doesn't is trying it on

@Doghead you clearly don’t have any idea how all of this works - did you have children who went to universities years ago or very cheap ones in the middle of nowhere?

Grimsby University

@Doghead

The student finance more than covers all living expenses. Any student that says it doesn't is trying it on

You're wrong. That's all really. You're just plain wrong.

Unfortunately it seems he's one of those dads, not particularly close to or liking his kids and probably resenting every penny he has paid in their upkeep to date. At least he's consistent since he did the same to your stepson earlier and will probably be the same with any other kids he makes. There is no reasoning or shaming into doing the right thing with people like this as they are pretty closed off and fundamentally selfish. The threat of future disconnect from his kids will not bother him as he only sees them through the lens of his exes. I don't know him but can guess he already has another 'family'.

But what I don’t get is why do fathers do this to their kids but then treat their new children with their new wife very well. Why are these fathers not able to see how badly they treat their children from their first relationship.

My dad never supported me or my brother and we had to support ourselves through uni. But once his second lot of kids from his next relationship got to uni age he paid for everything for them.

I just don’t understand how they don’t see it, or maybe they do and they just don’t care.

But what I don’t get is why do fathers do this to their kids but then treat their new children with their new wife very well. Why are these fathers not able to see how badly they treat their children from their first relationship

I don't know - a lady I know has a son the same age as mine - and his father had zero interest in him and saw him about once a year, despite living only 5 miles away. I think getting maintenance for him was like pulling teeth - she earned well but that wasn't the point. He married and had two other children and by all accounts was a great dad to them. It sort of has a happy ending in that he did have a lot more to do with his dad as he got older, who knows, that might have been the influence of his new wife.

But any parent who won't support their children at uni despite having the means to do so is behaving very badly in my opinion.

I just don’t understand how they don’t see it, or maybe they do and they just don’t care

Honesty, I think it’s because they cannot separate it from “giving money to the ex”.

I’ve seen it with my own ex h and so many others. They don’t see it as supporting their children, they begrudge every penny given as it’s to their ex partner. They can’t see beyond that bitterness and see maintenance payments ending as their “winning”. Oh, the ex isn’t getting my money now!

I truly believe that’s how a lot of men think. It’s never about their children, always bitterness with a bit of control thrown in.

There is a strange attitude from some on mumsnet about parental support.

I agree too. It's weird. Currently have DD living back at home while she studies for a Masters and DH and I love having her here, certainly more than she loves having to be here!

Pretty sure she learnt how to live independently and control her own finances during her 3 years studying away from home, but she's our daughter and she will always be welcome to come back and live with us.

He’s a tosser. I hope your DD knows what he has said.

@Doghead

The student finance more than covers all living expenses. Any student that says it doesn't is trying it on

You very clearly have absolutely no idea. We are in Scotland so my children are fortunate they don't have to pay fees. Their student loan is £4750 ( £395/ month) and their rent alone is £650/month. Please tell me how their loan is enough for them to live on?

How has your daughter reacted to this @AbsolutelySure
My own has just emailed a solicitor about changing her surname.
She is disgusted. He's court ordered to pay until she's finished university but he stopped paying in May because she wouldn't do what he said. He was commanding her to get in touch, but the last time she stayed at his house, he wouldn't let her out. So she is just done with him. For that reason I won't be pursuing him through the courts, he can just exit stage left as that's what he wants. He'll blame me of course.

@Arsebucket

I just don’t understand how they don’t see it, or maybe they do and they just don’t care

Honesty, I think it’s because they cannot separate it from “giving money to the ex”.

I’ve seen it with my own ex h and so many others. They don’t see it as supporting their children, they begrudge every penny given as it’s to their ex partner. They can’t see beyond that bitterness and see maintenance payments ending as their “winning”. Oh, the ex isn’t getting my money now!

I truly believe that’s how a lot of men think. It’s never about their children, always bitterness with a bit of control thrown in.

Yes absolutely. My ex and his now ex wife always had a weird obsession with maintenance being about giving me money - when actually maintenance money has never made it into our family pot. It literally goes straight into an old account of mine and either saved, or spent from there.

Ex knew that, and even now if I have to discuss maintenance money with him I call it "DS's money"

He still begrudges it

There are huge amounts of costs in setting them up at Uni - rent costs up front, food shop, kitchen things, train fares. We are able to help our ds who has just graduated but for the last year we have been helping him with his £350 a month room rent. He has been trying to work when he can but has been hard during his last term.

''Honesty, I think it’s because they cannot separate it from “giving money to the ex”.

Absolutely. This is their thinking. I had braces as an adult and my x said ''I paid for those'' to our daughter.

My two DC are his, so half of 2/3rds of our total should be his responsibility. But he's paid less than half of two thirds of our costs their entire childhoods and yet he believes he paid for my braces. You cannot reason with these types.

Truth is, I'm the one who subsidised him but he cannot see it.

Does it matter what being a student costs?
Her father has disowned her at 18, What parent could do this.
Too many women put up with this shit, get on social media and post how some men do this and expect a relationship with their children, followed by a lol.

@PearlNextDoor she's very much like me, tries to see the good in people. She was disappointed with him but she brushes it under the carpet because i'm here to pick up the pieces. I wish she'd put her foot down but that'll come with time. Tbf she hasn't wanted to see him and hasn't seen him since March. She will though, I think it's more that she can't be bothered atm. He'll take this personally and it will justify his lack of financial support. If she was giving him attention and seeing him every week this could be a different story. He's needy like that.

And the sad thing is, this is why women stay in shit marriages because they don't want the financial legacy of splitting up to follow their children in to young adulthood.

A poster upthread said you sit down and talk about it before the child goes to college. There's no point talking to my x. He thinks he's been giving me money all these years. He doesn't see that I have my own job and that I work and might deserve to have like, food, coffee, shelter. If I'm not absolutely destitute he feels he was swindled out of the maintenance he was court ordered to provide.

@AbsolutelySure I think it's a valuable lesson. my own daughter has ''sat with her feelings'' over the last year or two and been aware that her father was guilt-tripping her. He wanted certain responses or certain behavior in RETURN for the maintenance, and she wasn't obliging.
He sent her a few awful letters and it gave us the opportunity to discuss manipulation, duty, fear, guilt-tripping.

So hopefully it's good to have labels for these feelings that she did have to experience. I think because she emotionally outgrew him at about 14 and there were a few years where he was attempting to guilt-trip her.

Luckily her response to that was to shut down and I have reiterated the messages to her that she's not for sale. if she reads his letters and texts and emails and feels manipulated rather than SUPPORTED then that is his failing.

So yeh it's sad that her father is such an emotionally immature d1ckhead but I think she's confronted it, with my support.

I hope if an adult ever tries to manipulate her she will identify that that is what is happening.
If i'd stayed with him he'd be paying for her still but she'd be all caught up in the manipulations like i was when i left. he has such a skill for making you feel like you owe HIM.

Thank god we're away from it and if he decides to exit stage left and she decides to change her surname, then I support HER and I will not be going through the courts to pursue him for the rest of the maintenance.