XDH won't help support DD now she's 18

[AbsolutelySure]

We're divorced but amicable. We had a court order for him to pay maintenance until she leaves secondary education. I thought this would be August when she receives her A level results and child benefit stops but he checked with her school and they said she was no longer on the register from June so he stopped paying. I didn't argue the toss but asked if he could help me support her financially until she goes to Uni or would he consider either giving her the money direct or help by going 50/50 on getting her set up at Uni. He said no. I'm disappointed for her that he's acted this way. DD has not got a job because I wanted her to focus on her studies. She's applied for jobs since leaving school but has so far been unsuccessful.

@EverythingWillFallInLine

Ffs *@BasicDad* children at uni need supporting even if all that means is providing a bedroom in a parent's home during holidays such as this holiday. If this wanker isn't prepared to either provide that or enable the RP with the means to provide it then he -and he alone - needs to sit his daughter down and tell her that she'll have to fuck off her education plans because now she's out of school she's on her own, so it's job or dole and a bedsit.

Since when was 18 a child

In one way you have been lucky that he has been paying until she has left school. I haven't seen a penny from exh towards ds since he was 12, he is 17 now. But what a shit to abandon her now.

No, I wouldn't kick them out.

I'd also expect to discuss living arrangements for Uni plans well in advance of it happening. At best guess, I'd say a good couple of years in advance, minimum.

If I surprised non-rp mum with the expectation that DC were to stay long term with her during term breaks, I wouldn't be surprised if there was an issue.

Tbf...if we weren't discussing these things well in advance anyway, I'd say it wasn't great co-parenting either way. Everyone's situation is different though, so sometimes this shit will happen. Frequently pride gets caught up in it all.

@Lisamonwesaa since student finance, since no state help for u21s, since differential minimum wage rates ... The state expects a parent to provide for a yp until they are 21. Or for them to declare that they refuse to provide for that yp at an earlier age.

Unless said parent is a nrp. (Or a mumsnetter.)

@BasicDad pride prevents a father from providing for his child?

@EverythingWillFallInLine

No. Pride prevents parents from not being dicks and co-parenting properly. Man or woman.

@BasicDad

Hold up executioners.

First. I am the resident parent, and putting a few quid away for DC future. Hands up, in a position to do so.

Sscond. I've discussed this with DC mum about those plans so she knows there's some support for uni and future stuff. We're both on the same page.

Third. If our situations or arrangements were to change, then I'd expect to have a grown up decision about how to meet the same plans. And if it wasn't possible, then DC would need to support themselves, which is entirely doable.

You can't just turn up on a door step because you think they can afford it, RP or not.

it is completely beyond you to comprehend that this post was about someone else and not you?

Do you do that a lot in your regular life. Your boss asks you to produce a report on something and you respond with "well my wife and I have done xyz"

pretty dim really.

We're talking about a guy who is refusing to support his daughter. Wtf are you waffling on about pride for?

I'm waffling on about communication and expectations between co-parents.

I'm talking about my experience, as we're setting those expectations and talking. Despite a shitty fractured relationship.

I've also at least tried to say not everyone has the opportunity to be a good co-parent. There are plenty that nuke bridges though.

Any reason why she can't ask her dad, given her age, as opposed to you? If she needs financial support as a (young) adult who has left school, and going forward needs financial support during further education, it's her responsibility to talk to her dad, not you.

There are usually jobs doing care work. Very much needed at the moment.

And there are plenty of just shit, useless excuses of sorry sperm donors in the world.

Far too many fathers think they’re oh so clever dodging paying for their children once a relationship breaks down anyway. I can’t imagine for the life of me ex agreeing to put away any money for my DC 😂

Both parents financial responsibility should legally continue towards a child in education not just the parent who’s always there.
Because not being able to enforce ex to contribute towards DC’s maintenance means DC loses out.

@Macncheeseballs

That is a bit mean, but do you need the money

Surely it's DD, his daughter needing the money rather than OP.

he lent her the money and then kept texting to find out when she was going to pay him back which totally stressed her out.
What a pusy oozing dickhead! They will come home to roost in a few years. And he will pretend he does not why or that you influenced DD

I am so angered by these fucking disgusting men who are counting down the days to when they can switch from doing the bare minimum to doing fuck all to support their own children
There are just as many women counting down the days until their husband/partner can stop paying for children that aren't 'theirs'

OP, my ex-h did the same but I knew he would. It's rare that they pay half of the true cost of the children anyway so life as a single parent is generally mum picking up the slack.
I've helped my children with anything they've needed but they also have always worked to make it easier for me. They see their father for who he is. He always, always has the newest and best of everything but has never given them a single penny since he stopped paying. Disappointing, and tough at times because I STILL will do anything they need and he does not.
None of them have a good relationship with him. Two have changed their name to mine. They do their obligatory once a month visit but no one wants to. I encouraging them to keep some kind of relationship because he is their father, no matter how shit he is. His wife is lovely and I think they feel she was well and truly sucked in by him. It kinda makes me mad that SHE is being robbed of the relationship she could have had with them because he's a twat.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say was I totally 'get' the disappointment but it is you who they will always remember being 'the one'. Their true rock.

@SD1978, she apparently asked her dad for the loan of £30 to get herself a pair of jeans earlier this year and he hounded her for repayment.

I would say his behaviour then would put her off ever trying again.

Shame on your exDH OP.

As others have said it’s time to make an application under the Children Act 1989. The Act also covers children aged over 18 who are in or about to be in full time education.

Here’s a brief explanation scraped from the web

events.lawsociety.org.uk/uploads/files/7888b166-a77e-468e-b114-cd62bc514b3a.pdf

You can make the application yourself OP - no need to pay legal fees.

This great charity can help you free of charge

www.supportthroughcourt.org/

[quote AbsolutelySure]@FunMcCool when we were together she was the apple of his eye, he then did the dirty and he left, she sees him every couple of months, more her choice - he lives five mins away. We have another DD who is 16 and she stopped speaking to him three years ago after the way he treated me in particular. He hurt her dearly and he's not made any attempt to reconcile with her.

He thinks he has a great relationship with DD1.....[/quote]
I could have written this exact same post word for word my ex has done the same. Youngest DD17 now suffering with her mental health because of him, eldest DD21 tolerates him sporadically but says she has no love for him. He financially and mentally backed out years ago and I supported them both through some pretty rough years. He thinks he had a good relationship with eldest and blames me for filling youngest head with 'my side of the story' as she won't speak to him. He cant see that it was how he behaved that has affected her.

He lost his job during covid so of course any (smaĺl) payment for the youngest stopped abruptly, yet it doesn't matter that I still have to support DD, which I do willingly, I would.give my last penny to help my children.

@chaosmaker

There are usually jobs doing care work. Very much needed at the moment.

That sort of job is not for everyone though.

That’s the work I do. The amount of people who have come in, worked a shift and got though it gagging and having to run to the loo being sick while changing pads and dealing with other bodily fluids and then not come back the next day.

I wouldn’t go there as an option for a teen unless they knew what to expect from the job.

This isn't really answering your question (but your ex is a dick) has your dd tried temping agencies? A lot of them are supplying staff to vaccination centres and test centres, my DS has found summer work that way.

@HollowTalk

My XH agreed to pay until they finished university and did, even though they stayed on to do MAs. But then I had something on him that he didn't want the OW to know so that gave me great leverage.

Oh you have to tell us what, even obliquely! Other other woman maybe?

@Doghead

I don't really understand. Why do you think she'll need more money? My son got maximum student loan and never needed more money from anyone

You can't use your imagination and think that not everyone is in the same situation as your son?

Our daughter had a student loan which didn't even cover rent for her student accommodation and she had a job all through uni. She is very good with money, but we still had to transfer £300 a month to support her with the basics.

Father's like this are disgraceful.

My ex did count down the days with glee!
Also thinks he has a good relationship with DD1 and DD2 can’t stand him and barely has anything to do with him

Are there carbon copies of these men out there? Mine bought a 450k house that he’s doing up, which is why he can’t help his own DC out with £10 a week

Ha, yes mine also told me he was counting down.

He had no intention of ever paying post 18 to anyone regardless of what ds decided to do.

“I’ve supported him long enough, now it’s your turn is his way of thinking”.

The thing is, some men don’t see maintenance as something that is for their children. They see it as something they are giving their ex partners and it kills them to do it.

The children don’t come into it. it’s just the resentment for having to give their ex
money.

Sounds like we have the same ex! Mine stopped paying the day our son finished college, said he doesn't need to pay anymore, even though at the time son wasn't working and I was on minimum wage. He refused anymore help at all.

He didn't even tell me he was stopping payments, he just cancelled the standing order.
You don't stop being a parent once your child reaches 18.