Family coming to stay most of summer

[Turntheheatdownfgs]

How would you arrange things?

Parents are coming for 3 weeks to stay in our house next week. Then they come again for two weeks, three weeks later.
We’re used to seeing them for a couple of weeks in summer, then a gap and at autumn, spring etc. It’s lovely of course, but is a big chunk of summer and feels a bit overwhelming.
I usually do all cooking etc, but the thought of this for 5 weeks is a lot. Also the evenings are so hot, we often head to the beach for sunset with toddler Dd or out for walks. My parents prefer to sit in and watch tv etc. In the past we’ve done this as is only for a couple of weeks. Now it’s a large part of our summer and I don’t want to miss out on all those summer nights.
Am I being selfish?
How would you basically arrange meals, days and time together if your family came for this long?

I've just read what you wrote after I went for bed.

You absolutely need to tell them that now DD is older it won't be days on the beach but evenings.

It's clear they are coming for a holiday - Mum wants to put her feet up and Dad wants outings.

I would actually tell them that due to the weather that summer is the worst time for them to come for DD so they will have to go out and about and do their own thing. Just like you HAVE to walk the dog.

If you don't put in boundaries there will be an almighty blow up at some point.

If I were you I'd book some cheap accommodation you can stay in and let them have your house. There is nothing more annoying than have someone else dominating you TV, your space, your life. You can call and visit them in the afternoons or early evening. Plus bonus they will prepare meals for you!

Having read the whole thread it sounds like now that they've booked this 5 weeks you would rather let them come than tell them they can't. Is that right? If so I think you need to set some boundaries now for before they visit, and then after they have visited set some boundaries about checking before they book next time.

A friend of mine lives abroad somewhere people like to visit and she now has a standard email that she sends out to all visitors in advance, saying how much she's looking forward to seeing them but also laying down clear boundaries - basically saying it's great to see you but our lives need to carry on as normal and because of this I can't do x, y or z. I'd suggest you spend some time to carefully word a similar email. "It will be so lovely to see you but now that DD is x age things will be a bit different this time to how they've been on previous visits, so I just wanted to prepare you in advance so you aren't surprised". Then tell them that you now have cbeebies on not politics shows, that you won't be able to pick them up, that you will need to split the cooking (give them specific days to organise the food - they can either cook or organise a takeaway) and you'll show them how to work the washing machine so they can do their own washing. Tell them you will sort out some takeaway and taxi numbers so that they can feel free to do their own thing and not be tied to what you are doing. Just make it politely clear that you will be doing what you are doing and they need to be responsible for themselves.

Just before they come ask them to make sure they bring an extra bag as they will need to take DF's clothes home with them as that will now be DD's room.

When they've left tell them how lovely it has been to see them and you look forward to seeing them again but how they will need to check dates BEFORE they book anything next time as there are more difficult logistical arrangements now DD is older so you'll need to check the dates are possible before they book.

Personally I think you can't back out of either visit, as the guilt would be worse than the hosting.

However I think you need to start setting the precedent for the future and just doing the stuff you normally do a bit more.

Go for your walk and meet friends a few times. If they are watching TV, I'm sure they won't mind. If they're in your home, they need to fit in your routines. Good luck!

Since they are definitely coming, I think it'd be ok to ask for help. Something like, would you mind doing lunch? You could feign a headache.

You could plan a dinner with DH and tell them you'd be honoured if they watched DD while you went out.

Being diplomatic like that would get you some relief without offending them.

Then for next summer, well in advance, tell them you're going away for the summer.

The oddest thing about this is you feel like you can't leave their side for 5minutes! My in laws abroad when they come for a week+ we carry on with our lives I go for my runs /walks /work bring kids to activities & playdates. They enjoy hanging here often help with kids/jobs round the house to keep occupied or will head off
& do own thing. they'd hate to think we or kids not doing things be because they here. I mean when they used to come for a long w/e we'd drop most things (tho still kids have football etc & they just come along! )

OP I am really sorry but 9 pages in and you are not getting it...nearly everyone sympathizes and offers advice and you poo poo every suggestion, If I were you I would be very careful unless your husband is really weak and spineless too cos if it was my husband non of this would be happening and if I did insist on shutting up and just letting it happen he would be gone. You are being used and you know it,parents or not and they are doing exactly what suits them,when they like and how they like,they can and they will knowing you will swallow it. That is not love,respect or decency in my book.Its knowing you can manipulate someone and get away with it for your own happiness, Do you really think they care that you are running yourself ragged and missing out on your life for 5 weeks.that your husband is too or your little one? Do you think they give one shiny shit that you havent had a break and a child free day or even just to go out for a meal? No they don;t not one jot, They know and you know that if they say jump you will say how high.Not one bit is healthy,You feel like crap all upset and guilty for even thinking its too much do you think they will be sat at home concerned for you? Answer is NO they won;t. You are a mother and a wife now not a child for your sake alone you need to find some big girl pants and put them on.You might be able to swallow their crap out of a misplaced duty but expecting your husband and child to do so is not on at all..where is your respect for these people? Up to you...

@mbosnz if there was a like button I would like this post. Very fair and kind

I notice the op didn’t answer my question (although she responded to my other point in the same post):

”Do they do anything supportive that doesn't involve money, & that doesn't leave you feeling indebted to them?”

And I’m not talking about doing the cooking etc when you go for a week’s visit.

Leave them to go on holiday, baby sitting and a list of chores. I bet you they won't be returning anytime soon. Take the fuse out of the TV and see how your dad reacts. It might force him out of the house.

Can you book a few excursions/ weekends away for them so they have to leave the house?

I don't understand why you sit there passively aggressively dropping hints when you want your parents to do something. Just ask outright and spell it out to them. It isn't difficult.

SIL does this so everyone deliberately ignores her. She just assumes that everyone knows what she wants when all it needs is a polite request.

@LegoCaltrops I’d say they used to be there for me more, it honestly feels like the last few years has been all about them, their stresses, which are mainly things like moving house, which was their own choice. My dad often arrives and talks about all his latest stresses and how he really needs this break etc.
My mum doesn’t seem to have much sympathy for me these days (I’ve suffered from long covid symptoms on and off since last March) she sort of listens but does t offer much advice/feedback.

My sister is staying in a hotel with my niece & nephew, but I’ll be driving up to them everyday and we’ll all go out together etc, she’s here for a few days.

@RampantIvy I suppose I feel I shouldn’t really have to ask, people should have manners and help out when in someone else’s house

I’m definitely doing things differently this time and will be asking why they booked twice in summer and for longer and saying about Dp having to have a break.

If they are visiting for that long they need to adapt to your household routine. Don't give up your beach walks and other activities.

My dad often arrives and talks about all his latest stresses and how he really needs this break etc.
So this is a holiday for them then.

I suppose I feel I shouldn’t really have to ask, people should have manners and help out when in someone else’s house
Presumably you don't expect to be allowed to demand your choice of TV viewing 24/7, all activities etc & be waited on hand & foot when you stay with them then.

My mum doesn’t seem to have much sympathy for me these days (I’ve suffered from long covid symptoms on and off since last March) she sort of listens but does t offer much advice/feedback.
What a tremendous surprise.

@LegoCaltrops So are they just shit parents who don’t give a crap about me then and come not fo see us, but for a break? They could go anywhere if that was the case

Name change, sorry

What age are your DPs OP? I think you may have said mid 70s, apologies if I got that wrong.
I'm only mentioning it because with my DPs - well maybe DM as DF has always been pretty self-centred- they used to be wonderful and helpful GPs, it was like a switch went off and now they have lost the ability to talk or think about much outside their own lives. But to be fair to them they are older and I can see that my concerns may seem paltry to them.
However they don't come and stay for 5 weeks. I think it would be a huge tragedy if you and DH and DD didn't manage even a week away with his leave if he gets it. Would that be something you could propose but obviously you go away without them?

@rookiemere Mum is late 60’s, dad early 70’s
It definitely does feel like that the last few years! They used to be so involved with everything and ask me lots, now it just doesn’t happen, they do talk a lot about themselves, neighbours, house and garden and we’re just there like 🤷🏻‍♀️Is that an age thing then?

@rookiemere I was thinking that. If dp does have to be off at that time, we could book a few days away and I’ll say they booked without telling me/asking me first and Dp didn’t get flexibility in his holidays

@LegoCaltrops When I go back there, they watch exactly what they like too. I said this to them once when they were over here and them saying they were the ‘Guests’ I said when I’m the guests in their house, they still watch what they want. They seemed surprised, I sometimes think they don’t realise what they’re like

I know you’re not really listening OP but here’s my two pence worth….

Could the second visit coincide with you going away as a family of three (with your husband and daughter) combined with a couple of days of seeing your sister?

Your parents could house sit at yours while you’re gone. That way, when your husband is off he gets some time away with his wife and daughter and is able to relax. Because I’ll be honest if I was your husband I’d be hugely unhappy at five weeks of your summer being taken over by visits.
No matter how well anyone gets along, you can never relax fully in your own home and it seems a really long time. Maybe say to your mum and dad that from next year your daughter will be in her own bedroom so they can stay in a nearby Airbnb? Start dropping hints now for next year.
This isn’t about living your parents less but having good boundaries, you want your time together to be quality time, not rubbing each other up the wrong way 😄

My MIL did this and sprung a weeks visit on us, didn’t check with us on dates. I get on really well with her but even a week is too long and for the first time I didn’t change all of my plans like a headless chicken-I worked for two days and told husband to spend a day with his mum one on one. This is for a lady I love and really get on with!
Husband has told his mum that from now in trips need to be arranged with us around our dates 😏

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@Illogicalmadness They don’t offer, I dropped so many hints, then I feel cross that they don’t. They know we haven’t been out together alone since Dd was born[/quote]
Oh. Don't hint - ask

That's just game playing

Sorry I meant listening about going away and saying you’ve doubled booked. Can see you’ve changed your mind which is great!

Your husband deserves to have relaxed time with you and your daughter too ☺️

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@rookiemere Mum is late 60’s, dad early 70’s
It definitely does feel like that the last few years! They used to be so involved with everything and ask me lots, now it just doesn’t happen, they do talk a lot about themselves, neighbours, house and garden and we’re just there like 🤷🏻‍♀️Is that an age thing then?[/quote]
No it bloody isn't!

It's a self centered thing!