Family coming to stay most of summer

[Turntheheatdownfgs]

How would you arrange things?

Parents are coming for 3 weeks to stay in our house next week. Then they come again for two weeks, three weeks later.
We’re used to seeing them for a couple of weeks in summer, then a gap and at autumn, spring etc. It’s lovely of course, but is a big chunk of summer and feels a bit overwhelming.
I usually do all cooking etc, but the thought of this for 5 weeks is a lot. Also the evenings are so hot, we often head to the beach for sunset with toddler Dd or out for walks. My parents prefer to sit in and watch tv etc. In the past we’ve done this as is only for a couple of weeks. Now it’s a large part of our summer and I don’t want to miss out on all those summer nights.
Am I being selfish?
How would you basically arrange meals, days and time together if your family came for this long?

Well it's partly an age thing but it it's largely because your parents are monumentally self absorbed. My parents look after my kids now and they're in the 80s. They're in good health and kids are teenagers so don't demand much other than food but they do think I work hard and want to give me a break.

What are the terrible stresses on your parents' lives?

I suppose I feel I shouldn’t really have to ask, people should have manners and help out when in someone else’s house

Unfortunately, some people do need to have things spelled out to them. It isn't rude to ask for help when you need it. Your parents probably assume that since you haven't asked that you don't need any help.

@Clymene

Well it's partly an age thing but it it's largely because your parents are monumentally self absorbed. My parents look after my kids now and they're in the 80s. They're in good health and kids are teenagers so don't demand much other than food but they do think I work hard and want to give me a break.

What are the terrible stresses on your parents' lives?

It is NOT a bloody age thing!

I would text something like.

Hi Mum and Dad, we're really looking forward to seeing you guys. I wanted to give you a heads up that as DD is a little older now things will be a bit different. She loves her morning/evening trips to the beach every day and a bit of cbeebies after dinner and gets upset and disrupted when her routine changes. We'll still be doing these every day, but will have the rest of the time to hang out with you too and you're very welcome to come along to the beach too of course! It's so lovely at this time of year and she'd love to have you guys helping her make sandcastles!
Dad - here are the things you still have here. (Then list the clothes etc to change the subject.)

That wouldn't be rude at all, but maybe easier than having to say it in person.

I think you definitely need to say something.

I'm very conflict averse too OP and I've found myself getting silently annoyed at people, but then realised if I don't say anything I can't expect them to know so it isn't fair on anyone that way.

They now live in a gorgeous part of the U.K., by the beach and I often how we’d love to come over there for a break in summer perhaps, but they always get it there quickly and book to come to us

My dad has even said jokingly before about doing a house swap, so he obviously doesn’t come to see us!

Let's park the age discussion and say that for whatever reason the dynamics of your DPs interaction with you has now changed.

I find with mine I just have to spell out very clearly whats happening. I don't share any concerns or issues I have any more and keep conversations light - to be fair I don't need to talk much at all I just listen. I feel like a horrible non sympathetic person as Dec/Jan I was struggling to keep going myself with Christmas being cancelled DS back to not going to school and wfh being hard going, so what I tried to do was give DM telephone numbers for helplines for her various concerns so that trained professionals could help her.

Since coronavirus we've been visiting them rather than the other way round and DF gets very disappointed that teen DS doesn't want to come every time. But I just have to tell him that teen DS is out meeting his pals.

You need to reframe the relationship OP. Less hinting and expectations and more being direct with them. You will do it because you're not doing it for yourself- you're doing it for DD. So they want to go out in the midday heat - great here's the taxi telephone number or give them a lift - but you aren't going out until later as not good for DD.

I'd whatsapp them with a few things including the possibility that your DH may get time off. I find with mine saying something like " I know you'd want us to have time together ( that is not with them) I really remember our family holidays when young, I'm sure you understand that DH, DD and I need to have a break together just the three of us" ascribing positive intentions- even if they don't actually exist - makes it harder for people to push back.

@Nanny0gg - well it is with my parents and most older people I know whose worlds get smaller. Mine tell me about their neighbours extensively! But like I said, my parents are. Is much older. They weren't doing that in their 60s!

They don't want you visiting them as then they would have to host and do more do the cooking, cleaning etc.

Take them up on the house swap, their 2nd visit - you and DP go stay at their place for a week or so!!

@RandomMess Tbf it is lovely where we are and they want a change of scenery, but so would we! Mum always says they’d love to have us over, but they still book their tickets
House swap totally takes away the whole point of aren’t we meant to be seeing each other, we’re family!

That's how the situation presents itself but really they are focusing on what they want:

Change of scene
Doing what they want each day
Putting feet up and being hosted

Spending a bit of time with DD seems to be of a bonus rather than the focus, they won't even babysit!!

I would suggest the house swap for a week just see see what their reaction is tbh.

I would tell them that summer doesn't work for you due to the heat for DD so spring ad autumn are the way forward.

Your sister is staying in a hotel so your parents can stay there too

Thanks for everyone’s advice.
I just assumed most families were like this and would stay with them if they lived far away 🤷🏻‍♀️

You have really been too accommodating about this. Your parents are treating your house like a holiday home and ignoring the fact that this is your actual life.

Things need to change going forward. HeckyPeck wrote a good text upthread.

You can also say things like "it's too hot for DD to go to the beach during the day time so we go at night or in the morning, you can obviously go whenever you like though!" This shows that you expect them to arrange their own schedule.

Also "DP and I have booked to go away from X to Y in August because he's off work then. You can mind the house while we're away." And "in future please check with me before booking flights as we're going to be planning lots more time away in the future and wouldn't want you to waste money."

Next time your mum texts you and says "we've booked flights for X day", you need to refuse straight away. Say you're busy, it's not a good time and they should have checked with you. They will only learn when you push back. Currently they're riding roughshod all over you. Imagine visiting your daughter in a different country and sitting in front of Emmerdale instead of watching sunset on the beach!

If the rwo closely booked trips are close this summer because they were unsure of covid, then maybe put that down to a once-off. You didn't say No initially so just go with it. However, I would not be letting them dominate your routine, preventing you from going for eve walks & getting stroppy if the day doesn't go according to their plans. On one hand they want to be treated like special guests when it comes to household chores or babysitting (as in they don't want a part of that) yet on the other hand guests tend to be gracious & fall in with hosts plans, but yours trump with the parent/guilt/duty cards so you fall in with theirs. It's too much, you need to change the dynamic. And tell them a few times this visit that 'their' room will be undergoing a makeover & be your DD's room when they next visit so there is no misunderstanding. And take out the calendar & tell them next year you & DH & kids are taking a vacation away, so you need to book their visit in now as last minute may not work or you may not be able to fall in with them & vice versa. And do you ever just go to their home & stay a few weeks, do that...the dynamic might shift where you are the guest for a change.

I get the impression from all of this that in your family of origin, your feelings don't matter. Your feelings and plans didn't matter when your parents went ahead and booked the flights for those two visits before checking the dates and length of stay was okay with you and your partner. When they come to stay, only the feelings and comfort and routines of the parents matter.

I think you should have a think about the fact that your feelings, plans, wishes, and preferences do matter. As do those of your partner and daughter.

Well let's hope there is another local lock down and your parents are screwed.

Or tell them that you are all covid positive, a day before their flight, so they are not allowed to visit.

Or change the locks and go away on holiday.

Because you sound like you have been controlled all your life, and need a Third Party Excuse to break apron strings and be rid of their selfish behaviour.

Ha, maybe one of you will develop a cough or a mysterious high temperature.

@unwuthering I’ve felt like that at times, but not very loving then is it!

It certainly isn't loving or normal to book plane tickets and then tell your grown up DC that you are coming etc. It's SO utterly unreasonable!

Your thoughts/needs/life get zero consideration.

I think because they always come over and it’s been quite casual, but they did used to send the dates first and I’d say if they were ok

How loving does this all feel to you?

In our family (all keen cooks), the hosts cook the first meal after guests arrive. After that everyone takes turns to cook and the ones who didn't cook share the washing up.

There are some shared outings/activities but also, singles or pairs or groups go off on their own and do their own thing.

You should take advantage of the parents staying for you and DH to have some time to go out by yourselves ( by day and evening dates) and for GP's to have blissful time alone with the GC.

@2bazookas They never really offer. When she was tiny they’d take her in the pram for an hours walk

Your parents remind me a bit of my parents who either don't visit or unilaterally decide to stay for days on end without checking first whether its convenient 'to make the trip worthwhile'. It's not easy given existing dynamics but you have to speak honestly to them that your life goes on while they stay and you can't drop everything for five weeks to do everything with/ for them. It may be too late for this summer but hopefully they will take on board for the future.