Family coming to stay most of summer

[Turntheheatdownfgs]

How would you arrange things?

Parents are coming for 3 weeks to stay in our house next week. Then they come again for two weeks, three weeks later.
We’re used to seeing them for a couple of weeks in summer, then a gap and at autumn, spring etc. It’s lovely of course, but is a big chunk of summer and feels a bit overwhelming.
I usually do all cooking etc, but the thought of this for 5 weeks is a lot. Also the evenings are so hot, we often head to the beach for sunset with toddler Dd or out for walks. My parents prefer to sit in and watch tv etc. In the past we’ve done this as is only for a couple of weeks. Now it’s a large part of our summer and I don’t want to miss out on all those summer nights.
Am I being selfish?
How would you basically arrange meals, days and time together if your family came for this long?

When in Rome, you do what the Romans do. My ex in-laws would struggle with that concept. There are a number of reasons why l am divorced but that is one of them. They wanted rock up for 3 weeks at a time and me run around after them. I have a demanding full time job. So l took a step back so then husband had to run around after them, he didn’t like that!

My mum struggles but tough. We have our own lives and routines. They can’t just transpose their lives and routines into your house It is funny when you think about it as my mum used to say my house = my rules. But in my house that l paid for, then she doesn’t want to follow my rules.
For example my mum wants dinner at 5pm, we haven’t finished work by that point. There is food in the fridge and cupboards but she doesn’t want to cook 🤷‍♀️. She wants to get up early at the weekend and we want a lie in after a long week at work -she’s retired. It’s your summer as well, it’s not all about them. There needs to be some compromise and understanding from them

If they come that often and for that long , surely they know their way around now ? They can chose to do what needs to be done with your DD , or do whatever they want. How old is your daughter ? Would they be willing to spend an afternoon with her at park , beach , etc ? Or do they tend to wait for you to organise the days ? That is hard. Taking over TV is rude , my SIL used to do this, but I just went off by myself to do stuff in the house. The length of their visit means you should not feel obliged to spend all your time with them . Just do what you normally do and they can join in or not . As for cooking , if it a hot place, wont easy salads do ?
They are your parents, you should be able to tell your mother what you need from them. They might be completely oblivious to things. And send your daughter to Grandad for breakfast . 😃

@RandomMess Yes, retired, but I don’t know if they could afford to go on other holidays plus to us so many times a year

@Selkiesarereal How long do yours stay?

@godmum56 ? So parents would want to fuck their daughter over? I wouldn’t with mine, I’d hate her to feel exhausted or overwhelmed by us

Your parents seem to act selfishly. It may not be that they want to fuck your over it's more that they don't care about the consequences of doing what they want.

They are retired there is no reason they need to come again so soon, or really for 2+ weeks.

I'm stuck on the booking before they talked to you about coming twice, and staying at (what to my mind seems great) length, within a few weeks. I'm tired just thinking about it.

@RandomMess But I think that’s down to the covid situation? It was similar last year, but never before that. Now with things closing down often in autumn winter, who knows the flight situation, I think that’s their thinking. They also wanted to be over for DD’s birthday.
But I agree, I’ve noticed they are selfish in a few things or at least sort of stuck in their ways and they definitely see themselves as being the guests. My mum has become quite fussy about things and I find I bend cherry backwards to make things comfortable..new pillows, towels, nice meals etc. When they leave alongside feeling sad they’ve gone, I also feel angry for the way they’ve been at times and vow to lessen contact.
I don’t know, perhaps it isn’t a healthy relationship

If your mother volunteers to pay for half of the groceries, buy a lot of prepared foods and easy things that can be grilled, frozen lasagnas, bags of salad, etc.
Get them to baby-sit and do other chores so it isn't all fun and games. If they are going to be there for five weeks, put them to work. And let them know upfront that you look forward to having them help out. Maybe you can do a big project together that you can't get done normally, like clean out the attic or garage. Since they're there, many hands make light work, right? They can watch your little darling and get to know her better while you're getting other things done.

Book and pay for an air b&b for the second visit?

@unwuthering I know. When they sent me the WhatsApp, I wasn’t happy. I rolled saying that was almost the whole summer and how come they didn’t book in October for example. My mum didn’t reply to that and bust texted a few days later asking how I was 🤷🏻‍♀️
They have mentioned wanting to be over for DD’s birthday, the only thing I can think is the covid/travel situation and the possibility there are no flights in autumn/winter again.
It also pisses me off as dps boss usually closes the workshop/office in the last week or two of August, due to the heat, so they sometimes take their holidays then. If it’s the case this year, dp will be on his hols but at home with my parents

For that length of time I would not be treating them as guests. I would consider them living with us. In which case I would go about my daily life doing the things I normally do. I would also expect them to pitch in around the house with cooking etc. Why should your summer break be spent waiting on them hand and foot bending over backwards to cater to their needs?

You need to speak to your Mum and say 3 weeks is a very long time so you'll have to get stuck in and join in with things we already have planned.

You do need to kindly call them out on their behaviour.

*Over backwards

*Replied ffs phone

I would tell them the 2nd trip doesn't work for you guys as DP is off work and you already had plans so they won't actually be able to spend time with you and DD.

You don't book plane tickets without checking with the party. Just not ever, it's insane!!

How many weeks, in total, have they/will they be staying with you this year?

It’s like last year, I was getting things all ready for DD’s birthday, making the cake, blowing the balloons up, setting up the room etc, they were just sat there. I had to actually ask could they please help me pin up balloons and so on. I just think, wouldn’t you want to help with all that? There are just a lot of things I do differently. Staying at someone’s house, I’d wash up, offer to cook some special meals, If Dd has children, I’m sure I’d want to babysit them and spend some time with them on my own.
It’s both of them in different ways, my dad will say about the babysitting but mum will sit quiet, he’ll also say that I shouldn’t be cooking and everyone can make their own bits, but my mum won’t agree or say anything. Often I’ve sat there and waited and nobody washes up so dp or I do it, occasionally if we don’t, mum will do it. But then my dad is very fixed in where he wants to go and when.
I love them but often wish they’d just come over and offer to take Dd and acknowledge we might like a break after 3 years with no support, like other friends have.
They do pay for lots when out, which is lovely, but, really they’d have to as ordinarily we wouldn’t be going out for coffees/lunches everyday as it all adds up. My mum often leaves money hidden as a treat when they go home, spending money left over, a few hundred as a thanks I guess. Perhaps that balances it out? They’re also very generous with clothes and gifts for Dd

@RandomMess The second time they come, my sister comes too, so I can’t cancel them. It does annoy me as it’s just assumed it’s fine..I can only think they knew I’d try to say no/change the dates if they told me before they booked it, so they knew

@LegoCaltrops They haven’t been over this year yet due to covid and they wanted to wait for both vaccines. So it will be 5 weeks in summer. I don’t know if they’ll come in autumn. I actually don’t mind this as it’s cooler, we can do more and they generally came only for a week then. It’s the length of the first three weeks then a short time then back again, especially during the heat, when all we normally do is go to the beach at night and swim in the sea. They’ll be none of that as they don’t do that sort of thing. Instead it’s red hot days on packed beaches or cafes

Tell them straight, they can't stay with you in autumn. Your DD needs her room sorted. They need to book alternative accommodation if/when they visit again.

5 weeks this year, which you seem to think not very much, is 10% of the year. That they've invited themselves to stay with you, without checking it's convenient. And you suggest they may add more time later in the year?

This is definitely not a healthy relationship with good boundaries OP. Your husband must have the patience of Job.

Pre-Covid my in-laws used to come over to the UK from the US for a minimum of five weeks at a time. It was only just doable because I rarely cooked for them and they would take themselves out to do stuff during the day. But it is exhausting having other people around constantly.

Might be worth discussing it with your husband and getting his opinion and ideas. If you can present a united front regarding prioritizing your DD's needs that could be helpful to you when the guilt trips start.

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@RandomMess The second time they come, my sister comes too, so I can’t cancel them. It does annoy me as it’s just assumed it’s fine..I can only think they knew I’d try to say no/change the dates if they told me before they booked it, so they knew[/quote]
And this is how they're doing a number on you.

It's hugely, hugely manipulative.