Family coming to stay most of summer

[Turntheheatdownfgs]

How would you arrange things?

Parents are coming for 3 weeks to stay in our house next week. Then they come again for two weeks, three weeks later.
We’re used to seeing them for a couple of weeks in summer, then a gap and at autumn, spring etc. It’s lovely of course, but is a big chunk of summer and feels a bit overwhelming.
I usually do all cooking etc, but the thought of this for 5 weeks is a lot. Also the evenings are so hot, we often head to the beach for sunset with toddler Dd or out for walks. My parents prefer to sit in and watch tv etc. In the past we’ve done this as is only for a couple of weeks. Now it’s a large part of our summer and I don’t want to miss out on all those summer nights.
Am I being selfish?
How would you basically arrange meals, days and time together if your family came for this long?

They’ll be none of that as they don’t do that

For Christ's sake just go for your evening walk! They can catch up with the news while you're out.

I understand you can't tell them not to come but don't let them change your whole lifestyle and routine for the whole summer - your life is as important as theirs. It shouldn't be just about what they want.

Oh and just bloody ask them to babysit instead of hinting.

Sorry to be harsh but you do need to grow a backbone here.

@therearenogoodusernamesleft But do parents set out to manipulate their kids 🤷🏻‍♀️Isn’t that pretty awful

It sounds like they are walking all over your boundaries, BUT you are letting them.

If they want to be "guests" and be waited hand and foot, they can stay in a hotel.
If your mum gets "fussy" about things... just let her. Say "sorry you feel that way", then ignore.
Just stop pandering to them. If you stick to your boundaries now, it'll be a lot less pleasant for them and they'll be less inclined to stay so long next time! Win.

If you decide how you'd prefer things to be - not sit in stuffy cafes, instead go to the beach as you'd normally do, decide to go out one night with your partner and say great, you'll be babysitting, thanks! - and implement that in the first stay, maybe they'll cancel the second one.

Really cheeky to come over for so long without checking first. No it's not normal just because they are family. It's hurtful to have people talk about your parents I get it, but you clearly aren't happy about it all but don't seem to know how to put your own family unit first.

@Wallywobbles

I'd get DD into her bedroom before they arrive. With her furniture. A few days of sharing with her or sleeping on the sofa will solve all your problems.

This is perfect.

But how am I not putting my family unit first? They rarely see Dd, isn’t it important to have them in her life?

@Turntheheatdownfgs you sound like a lovely person who is understandably annoyed with the way your parents have engineered the situation. The one thing that's jumped out to me is the age of your parents and your dad's possible dementia. It might be a shock for you to see them this year, I know my mum's health has deteriorated over the time of the pandemic. Do you think your DM is coping? It might well be she's looking for a good break from looking after your DF . In any case I think you should stick with your normal routines, involve your DPs in the cooking etc and ask them outright to babysit at least for one night. It doesn't have to lead to any ill feelings. I'd also bring up that in future you'd need to check the diary before they book their flights.

Set expectations before they arrive.
Let them know you will be going on walks and play dates as it is now all about DD.
When the are there, constantly refer to bedroom as DD’s room. Talk about how you are going to set it up once they leave.
Talk to Dad about his clothes, warn him to bring an extra suit case as he will have to take his clothes with him so you can set the room up for DD.
Talk about where they will stay next time as DD will be using that room and they will need to find somewhere else to sleep.
Point out local hotels and B and B places for them to check out so they can think about where they would like to stay.
Dad may be a challenge, but keep the focus on DD and what she needs.
Good luck 💐

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe See this is why I feel awful, I just don’t know

I would not impose myself on anyone for 5 weeks, thats an awfully long time. Re your walks, just say to them we usually go a walk around this time. We will leave you to enjoy the TV. It's your home after all, Id think it most strange if they minded.

This really is doormat behaviour. You need to say Mum dad it will be different this time- dds schedule is important. we can’t hang around at cafes much, we take her to the beach in summer evenings not watching tv, etc etc. so you will have to work around that, I’m sure you did that when I was your age.

@Turntheheatdownfgs

But how am I not putting my family unit first? They rarely see Dd, isn’t it important to have them in her life?

By not living as you would like to and normally do in the summer months. It is normal for house guests to fit around the schedule and preferences of their hosts. Your parents are very stuck in their ways and expect otherwise. Surely they can be in your DDs life more on your terms. That is not unkind, or undaughterly. These things are very hard, I know. Easier said than done.

Also, presumably your partner would like to have a holiday that doesn't involve your parents sat their like giant clams.

You should really just have some conversations with them about their visits to you.. no point in pussy footing around about everything. If you wan't to keep to your usual routine of things, just carry on doing them, no matter what.. Same with the food issues, they should know that they have to help you out with them.

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@Oblahdeeoblahdoe See this is why I feel awful, I just don’t know[/quote]
What do you actually want from this thread OP? Virtually everyone is telling you that you need to be firmer with them, & put your DD first. That your DH is/has been very patient about it. That your father seems to be a bit of a bully/slightly narcissistic/selfish/take your pick, & they apparently expect to be catered for on their terms & timing without even having the decency to check if you have plans first. What if you'd booked a holiday? Or were having surgery? Or had arranged other friends to stay?

You feel awful because it seems like they've conditioned you this way. Basically all the thought, the caring, is coming from you. You say they're good grandparents to your DD & you've mentioned how they buy her clothes, toys etc. And you've mentioned how they pay for meals, coffee etc out when they stay, & leave you money in "their" room after they go. Do they do anything supportive that doesn't involve money, & that doesn't leave you feeling indebted to them?

Everyone gets older. It's not an excuse to behave badly. If he is starting to lose his ability to moderate his behaviour, conversations need to be had.

@LegoCaltrops But if so and it saddens me to think about it, that behaviour wouldn’t be his fault, so what conversations would be had

You aren't concerned with letting these manipulative parents run roughshod over your own nuclear family, so if I were your DH, I would be leaving.

Your parents are more important to you than your marriage and your daughter. Every post you write makes this clearer and clearer.

You've asked about it being important that's he has a relationship with them. Well, only if you want her to growup as a doormat putting her elders wishes before her own.

A wise person said here once about GPs wkthno boundaries.

Do you love your grandchildren?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do what you're fucking told.

Any normal GPs don't need these, but people who trample over boundaries do.

Sort it before your daughter turns into you - someone who doesn't want to spend time with her parents but does so out of guilt.

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@LegoCaltrops But if so and it saddens me to think about it, that behaviour wouldn’t be his fault, so what conversations would be had[/quote]
Conversations with your mother about your father's health, & the wisdom of their continuing to go on long holidays every year - or lack thereof.

I was going to write a lot more about my PILs but I won't. Suffice to say I have refused to have another child, for a number of reasons. Their utter lack of boundaries is one of the two main reasons. PILs don't know this, BTW. I temporarily left DH over it, & took DD, a few months after she was born. I really wish DH had stood up for me, our relationship suffered & I'm not sure it's something that's entirely fixable because it's his parents. It's not my place.

OP, when your sister comes over as well, where on earth will she sleep??

I think you are understandably worried about speaking your mind and your parents taking offence. I would do as a previous poster said and ask outright if they can babysit one night. It might be that they have simply forgotten what it is like being full time with a DC as it must be 30 years for them!

I would say to them that now DD is growing up she has a routine you like to stick to so you will be going out for walks etc and of course they can join you but you understand if they want to relax and watch TV etc. Then you just live your life as normal and they have to fit around it. Mostly, anyway. You might have to change a few things.

When they pack to go home, pack more of your DF's clothes to go. But if he is asking what he has got there, then he's forgotten, so you can just get rid of them if he doesn't take them back.

I agree with you that they should want to help blow up the damn balloons. I am glad you asked them to help. I guess you will have to be very direct about your expectations of help from the beginning. So fucking annoying. I am getting a sense about the quiet way your father can be controlling. Your mother, too.

In view of the strange dynamics in this relationship all you can/will be able to do is set some rules BEFORE they arrive about expectations.

So you'll be going to the beach in the evenings. You might be away for a few days nights. You have some plans already in place. Any grumbles you just say but you are coming for 5 weeks. Don't be silly we can't stop our lives for that long.

Include some baby sitting in that. Unconditional- that you and your very long suffering DH get some time away from them. Really your DH needs some return for having them. I don't think you are very fair to him. However much he likes them they are your parents.

Once they are with you, you say these are our plans for the next few days. What are yours?

Managing expectations is the only way.

@Turntheheatdownfgs mine come from anything between 1 to 3 weeks up to 4 times a year.

It was rocky when we set up the boundaries but we have got it workable now. I did find that making it clear that it’s not just my house also helped.

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@RandomMess But I think that’s down to the covid situation? It was similar last year, but never before that. Now with things closing down often in autumn winter, who knows the flight situation, I think that’s their thinking. They also wanted to be over for DD’s birthday.
But I agree, I’ve noticed they are selfish in a few things or at least sort of stuck in their ways and they definitely see themselves as being the guests. My mum has become quite fussy about things and I find I bend cherry backwards to make things comfortable..new pillows, towels, nice meals etc. When they leave alongside feeling sad they’ve gone, I also feel angry for the way they’ve been at times and vow to lessen contact.
I don’t know, perhaps it isn’t a healthy relationship[/quote]
If this is how the last interaction made you feel, why are you just going along with the same again? What does your DH think?

[quote Thatnakedshowisweird]@therearenogoodusernamesleft But do parents set out to manipulate their kids 🤷🏻‍♀️Isn’t that pretty awful[/quote]
Well...yes, that's what we're trying to tell you.

They may not be doing it consciously, but that's the dynamic you have with them. They expect you to fall in line, they book things without asking, you're running around buying new towels for them, and rely on you feeling too guilty to say no.

Yes, they're family, but that doesn't mean you owe them anything.