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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Treated like a maid in this house, so I've booked a cleaner!

242 replies

butterflies218 · 10/07/2021 01:30

I have endometriosis, which is currently crippling me (been bleeding non stop for 19 days now)

So DH has gone camping for the weekend with friends (he's not the issue, he works 7 day weeks running his own business) on the occasion he takes a day off (rare) he will absolutely do his own laundry, my laundry, gardening etc when I haven't managed to do it because of pain.

The problem is his sister who lives with us! They moved in 3 years ago, his Mum basically kicked her and her boyfriend out as she wanted extra space (don't get me started on MIL).

I work 12 hour days, as does DH then he does his admin and paperwork when he gets home.

He works 9-5 from home, she is furloughed, NOTHING gets done, we've had numerous talks, they don't even empty a clean dishwasher, they leave their shit stacked up on my kitchen sides, their laundry by the washing machine, play Xbox in their room, never ever have picked up the hoover since they've lived here.

We agreed they move in for a year (3 years ago!) they saved to go travelling and went travelling for a year, the first year they were great, then came back to save again to go back travelling and covid hit. No travelling. So they've been in the house 24/7. They are moving out next month (thank the lord).

I got home tonight, DH away, they'd left to go visit his parents for a week 4 hours away, my house was a tip! I've been a mess all week with pain, bleeding, new medication etc. They left their pans with burnt super noodles in the bottom on the kitchen side, plates stacked up (I emptied the dishwasher last night Hmm), no water in the dog bowl, shit stains in my toilet, piled the recycling so high it's ripped over.

I lost my shit, called my husband, told him I was booking a cleaner for tomorrow as I'm in too much pain to lug the hoover about and clean and I sent a message to our group chat telling them they will be picking up the £70 bill. This is fair to me seeing as neither myself or DH leave dirty plates on side/don't clean our shit stains off toilet/don't leave our room an absolute dive/spilled orange pasta sauce from lunch on the cream sofa cushions.

They've read and not responded. They pay us £200 each a month rent. Food, sky, laundry products included and I feel like they've just taken the piss out of us since covid hit.

I've had an arsey text from MIL "I think booking a cleaner is unreasonable and to then charge them for it, it's very petty" sorry? I work my arse off, as does DH and I clean every weekend and do our laundry, this weekend I cannot as I am in awful pain.

Please tell me AIBU? I'm so sick of this all, the sooner they go the better!!!!!

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/07/2021 09:16

@ifonly4

Oh, if laundry includes theirs, I certainly wouldn't be doing that.
Agree - I wouldn't even ask a cleaner to do it. I'd stick the whole stinking, sweaty mess into a bin bag and hand it to them (I might use a couple of tee-shirts to clean the cack out of the toilet bowl . . . )
DomPom47 · 10/07/2021 09:19

You are unreasonable to have put up with it for so long. They sound absolutely vile and totally taken the piss!!!! And I feel sorry for you with that MIL just in one text can see how she is. I d be tempted to respond by asking why she kicked them out. Once they have left do not have them again and keep your house lovely and take care of yourself. They clearly have little to no respect and are very entitled.

BronwenFrideswide · 10/07/2021 09:20

You are not unreasonable but I can't understand why you have put up with this for so long, why didn't you throw them out long ago? You are a soft touch allowing them to stay with you whilst they saved to go travelling, I understand that Covid hitting was exceptional circumstances but even so they are not your problem and if they can't behave like decent human beings they so not deserve your help. They and their circumstances are not your problem. I would have been explicit with the standards I would expect from them and the first time they failed to uphold them they would have been out.

As for MIL she clearly doesn't think they are her problem, doesn't want them with her so she can mind her own business or offer to clean up their mess at yours or have them at hers if she is so bothered.

beigebrownblue · 10/07/2021 09:22

Think you were right.

What upsets me about your post is that obviously they haven't cared for you and they should have done.

Before I hit the menopause I had awful bleeding a few years before periods ended. Endo wasn't diagnosed but even so it was horrendous, to the extent that I literally couldn't go out at times as I had flooding. And then obviously an iron deficiency.

You mentioned you are doing paid work as well whilst carrying endo around with you.

So in my book having a cleaner on a regular basis is appropriate self care. You need rest, good nutriition and people to look after you. In the absence of that it's up to you to look after yourself.

Yes, as others have said, rent is already at the low end.

I do think there is also an element of, and this happened to me too in the past - if you are a strong person and just carry on with things, sometimes people don't see how much emotional and physical weight you are carrying. Sometimes you need to spell it out to them. And ease off on the things you are doing, and reassess.

From what I'm hearing it's not even really about the cleaning, although that is bad enough, it's that thing about someone actually not caring how you feel. So well done for making a stand OP. You can't and shouldn't carry on until you drop.

That is NOT sustainable is it.

NeonDreams · 10/07/2021 09:22

You should never let family - or friends - stay without a definite end date, trust me on this. Angry

I would say to them that this is not working for you. That you require them to be out in 28 days (or one month). That they have been here for 3 times what they said they'd be there for, and it is no longer working for you. Full stop. Give them (written by yourself) written notice of one month. They should have three times what they wanted to save, saved up by now.

They are taking the piss. They leave your house a pigsty knowing you're the mug who will clean up after them. They are not even grateful enough for you taking them in, like most people would be. They can see you are not well! They don't even care. They are absolute garbage and they are treating you like shit.

It is no longer (if it ever did) working for you, give them notice.

Get your LIFE BACK.

I wish we had earlier! Angry

TalkingOutYerArse · 10/07/2021 09:23

Well done OP. YANBU!!! Set MIL straight as well!!!

Applesonthelawn · 10/07/2021 09:24

I think you have been an absolute saint to tolerate that for so long and you fully deserve to lose your shit with them now with no turning back.

PurpleHoodie · 10/07/2021 09:24

You shouldneverlet family - or friends - stay without a definite end date, trust me on this

Yes.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 10/07/2021 09:28

YANBU.

Take a photo of all their shit, send it to MIL and ask if she is willing to come over and clean up after them.

Cheeky bitch, getting involved.

Didn't she kick them out in the first place?

She can have them back!

Cheeserton · 10/07/2021 09:31

YANBU. If they found it so unreasonable they could have immediately apologised, got their arses in gear and cleaned up properly. MIL can definitely piss right off.

YanTanTethera123 · 10/07/2021 09:32

@Wiredforsound

For £400 a month including food and all my bills I’d live with you. Good for you. I’d text the MIL, “I am absolutely sick of them disrespecting me and my home. They’re lazy, messy, and can’t get it into their thick skulls that I’m not their maid. You are very welcome to have them back because I have just about had enough of their shit. I can’t take it any more”.
I wouldn’t hesitate to send this, she’s very welcome to them! Lazy arses.
Zilla1 · 10/07/2021 09:35

Isn't MIL lucky to have had an opportunity to rebuild her relationship with her DD before her DD rents her own place and that opportunity is lost forever? DH can help them move. MIL can then help them learn all the house management skills they presumably learnt to some extent while travelling but then forget. Good luck.

Killahangilion · 10/07/2021 09:35

Oh dear, the issue with MIL is a red herring and irrelevant.

They’re not paying any rent at all because you’ve said it includes food and bills so what they’re actually paying is:

£400 a month for full board in your lovely private hotel 😱😱😱

Seriously, why did you allow them to do this?
If they were adults when MIL asked them to leave, (perfectly reasonably) why on earth did you take them in and not even charge them properly?

They’re going to get a massive shock when they move out and find that there is no free meals or Maid service unless you pay for it.

What will you do when they ask to move back into your lovely (hotel) house? 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣🤣

RadandMad · 10/07/2021 09:36

They're absolutely taking the piss. YANBU.

PearlNextDoor · 10/07/2021 09:37

No wonder they've stayed so long if they are only paying 400 per month to live with you. Somebody upthread thought that that was a lot? But is that for both of them? so 200 each. Basically 50 pw.
It would be impossible for them to find a cheaper place to live.

As for leaving a pan with burnt noodles in the sink and leaving the toilet shitty Shock they are slobs, and taking the piss, and they must be shameless.

Ugzbugz · 10/07/2021 09:43

Why have you put up with this?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/07/2021 09:43

This has made me so angry.
So your MiL kicked them out and started this whole thing.
Your husband works so much that it leaves you to bear the brunt of their laziness
They are so lazy and selfish and rude they treat you like a maid and refuse to co tribute at all
They have got away with this for years and your husband apparently does nothing to address it
You book a cleaner, once, after they have left a shit tonne of mess and you're the petty one!?
That is a seriously fucked up dynamic. I wouldn't worry about destroying family relations, they all have zero respect for you anyway

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 10/07/2021 09:43

Agree with others. Take pics, send them to MIL, with either they pay for the cleaner, clean it themselves properly, or they are out and she can have them. And if the cleaner comes and they refuse to pay they're out on their arses.

Then send the options to them too.

MadeForThis · 10/07/2021 09:47

You do t need to send the photos. I bet MIL knows exactly what mess they left. No wonder she kicked them out.

Zilla1 · 10/07/2021 09:47

Am only surprised they've not asked for a rebate on the hotel fees for these days they're away.

Notaroadrunner · 10/07/2021 09:47

They're gone for a week. Text them that their stuff will be packed up and ready for collection at the end of the week and that they are not coming back to stay at your house. They've had their chance, blew it numerous times so they can fuck right off now. They can book into a b&b or hotel or camp on the side of the road - not your problem.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/07/2021 09:50

Yanbu. I wouldnt have them back tbh. And if your mil is so horrified she can have them for the next month.

Enjoy your wkend without the lot of them. Your DH should have sorted this months ago - he has put you in a bit of a spot by not doing so.

Can you go away for the next few weekends to get a break? Sorry to hear you're in pain.

AddressLabel · 10/07/2021 09:52

Definitely take pictures. I had similar with my DH with regards to the toilet and sink etc and after repeated requests for him to clean his shit stains off the toilet and stubble and pubes from sink and shower I told him if he did it again I’d post pictures on Facebook and tag his friends. There has been a marked improvement now.

Mrstamborineman · 10/07/2021 09:53

I couldn’t put up with for 3 weeks let along 3 years. You deserve a medal. That said to put up with for so long you must get along most of time???
If they pay, I’d be tempted to give it back. It would be the principle for me. If they do not. It would make me resolute no way can they stay any longer than the month you have agreed.

Grimacingfrog · 10/07/2021 09:54

You're right MiL, I'm being unreasonable. In fact I can't stop myself being so petty, so I'm sending them over to stay with you Grin? Has she forgotten that SHE kicked them out?

I couldn't have grown adults behaving like this in my home. If they can get such a good deal somewhere else, let them!