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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU engagement ring

248 replies

Googlewasmyidea1 · 09/07/2021 19:05

I split with my ex in November last year after 15 years together, engaged for 8, he's now demanding the engagement ring back after initially telling me to sell it. I told him despite what he paid, £3k, it won't be worth anywhere near that, in fact the highest valuation I've had was £500 which I told him. He thinks I'm lying and has asked for the ring or £3k and will not let up. I don't think I should have to return the ring or pay him any money but AIBU?

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 09/07/2021 20:23

Of course he wasn’t paying his dues to raise his kids. This totally smells of a power play. Well done op you keep strong. ❤️

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 09/07/2021 20:23

From my own experience a lot of people get engaged on a birthday or at Christmas, and the girl gets the ring as a gift/engagement ring. We got engaged on my birthday, he gave me the ring on my birthday, with no other gift as the ring was so expensive. Under this circumstance, if the wedding hadn't gone ahead, I would have felt entitled to keep the ring regardless, as it was in effect a birthday present. Wonder how that would work out in Court??

viques · 09/07/2021 20:24

For the sake of £500 it sounds worth giving him the ring back to get him out of your life.

Oh, just seen you have kids. In that case sell it to a jeweller, get a receipt ,bung the money in the kids savings accounts, send him the receipt .

Nononsense2 · 09/07/2021 20:27

I think you should give the ring back since you never got married. Is it really worth to cause an argument because of it?

TurquoiseDragon · 09/07/2021 20:27

@Livelovebehappy

I always thought that an engagement ring was a promisary gift anticipating marriage, and if the marriage doesn’t go ahead, the ring should be returned to the giver of the ring. (Well that’s what judge Judy says 🤷‍♀️)
Judge Judy is following US law. It is generally the case in the US that the ring is given back.

In the UK, the engagement ring is a gift, and is not generally handed back. Someone

This is because historically a woman who's betrothal, or engagement, got broken off could often subsequently find it hard to find someone else to marry, as even being engaged could damage her reputation and she could be seen as "damaged goods". Keeping the ring was meant to be a financial compensation of sorts.

BlackSwan · 09/07/2021 20:28

8 years and kids? Would have been time for an upgrade. Tell him to sod off.

Original poster
Googlewasmyidea1 · 09/07/2021 20:28

@viques

For the sake of £500 it sounds worth giving him the ring back to get him out of your life.

Oh, just seen you have kids. In that case sell it to a jeweller, get a receipt ,bung the money in the kids savings accounts, send him the receipt .

Yeah, he's a dick but he'd have to be a complete dick to object to this. I might go with this
OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 09/07/2021 20:28

Ignore that random ""someone".

Mamanyt · 09/07/2021 20:29

If you had broken up before the marriage, legally, he should have had the ring returned, it is a contract, and contingent upon the marriage. Once the marriage has taken place, legally, the ring is yours. Tell him to shove it.

QueenBee52 · 09/07/2021 20:30

KEEP this Ring.. 🎉

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/07/2021 20:31

@Cabinfever10

You only get to keep the ring if you marry an engagement ring is a conditional gift, you are no longer planning to to marry him (the condition) so you don't get to keep it.
That's not true.
Theunamedcat · 09/07/2021 20:31

If your American you return it if your English you don't

No idea about Welsh or Scottish variables

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/07/2021 20:32

@Mamanyt

If you had broken up before the marriage, legally, he should have had the ring returned, it is a contract, and contingent upon the marriage. Once the marriage has taken place, legally, the ring is yours. Tell him to shove it.
There is no contract.
TurquoiseDragon · 09/07/2021 20:33

@Mamanyt

If you had broken up before the marriage, legally, he should have had the ring returned, it is a contract, and contingent upon the marriage. Once the marriage has taken place, legally, the ring is yours. Tell him to shove it.
Not true. It is true in the US, but not in the UK. Someone else posted a link earlier, have a read.
takemehometoasda · 09/07/2021 20:34

@Figgyboa

Give it back. Engagement rings are given in contemplation of marriage, not a gift as such. If the marriage doesn't take place the ring should be returned.
Originally engagement rings were a downpayment on a woman's virginity, so that if the wedding was called off the ring was to compensate her for the damage to her reputation.

It was not to give the man the power and control over the woman by saying "marry me or you don't get to keep this gift".

It was to even out the balance of power a bit to reduce the likelihood of the man making false promises of marriage to get a woman into bed, by making him commit to the promise. If he went back on his word the ring was the compensation for his breach.

If the man could still call off the wedding and be entitled to the ring back it would have been completely and utterly pointless. There's no commitment behind it if you can demand it back!

So the opposite of what many posters are incorrectly stating.

Theunamedcat · 09/07/2021 20:35

Tell him its in the kids dressing up box with all the other toys you will dig it out the weekend 😉

hellogem · 09/07/2021 20:35

Be careful op where you keep the ring, if he's so adamant he May steal it from you, guessing he probably comes to yours as there's young kids involved

BumbleFlump · 09/07/2021 20:38

Keep it, ffs you wore it for 8 years. Just tell him you’re saving it for the kids

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 09/07/2021 20:38

Asking for gifts back is grabby and unreasonable!!!

TatianaBis · 09/07/2021 20:38

I would just sell it I think.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2021 20:39

Go halfsies. If he's convinced it's worth 3k, he should therefore give you 1.5k and you will gladly return it to him.

Watch him magically understand jewelry mark up in a heartbeat.

Wanker.

itsmellslikepopcarn · 09/07/2021 20:40

I’ve been here, had huge issues with ex wanting back the engagement ring (which he bought at cost price off one of my family members who owns a jewellers and wanted to sell on for more money), told him to get lost as legally it’s mine. Another family member now has it and will be leaving it to my DD.

Viviennemary · 09/07/2021 20:40

Tradition was if he broke off the engagement you kept the ring. If you broke it off you gave it back. I think under the circumstances it should be sold and the proceeds split. No way should you just hand it over.

DolphinFC · 09/07/2021 20:42

Legally it's yours.

Morally it's his.

Depends on what kind of a person you are.

Your choice but I think I know your answer.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 09/07/2021 20:43

Under UK law, the presumption is that it's yours; this is usually successfully rebutted where, for example, the ring is shown to be a family heirloom, or it's made abundantly clear that it must be returned in the event the engagement is (fairly promptly) broken. Given that your wore it on your finger for eight years and he originally said you could keep it, I reckon you'd win if it went to court.
Personally, I'd tell him you'll sell it and give him half the proceeds or put them in trust for your child.

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