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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU engagement ring

248 replies

Googlewasmyidea1 · 09/07/2021 19:05

I split with my ex in November last year after 15 years together, engaged for 8, he's now demanding the engagement ring back after initially telling me to sell it. I told him despite what he paid, £3k, it won't be worth anywhere near that, in fact the highest valuation I've had was £500 which I told him. He thinks I'm lying and has asked for the ring or £3k and will not let up. I don't think I should have to return the ring or pay him any money but AIBU?

OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 09/07/2021 20:03

Assuming UK, an engagment ring is an absolute gift with the exception that it can be proved it was expected back or assumed it would come back eg a family heirloom.

So no, you don't have to give it back but if it would make your life easier, maybe consider it.

Zan58 · 09/07/2021 20:04

Both sell it together and put the money towards something for your children. I don’t think either of you should ‘profit’ from the breakdown of the relationship.

I assume you have been negatively affected, in financial terms, for your kids (if you both now have to pay for two separate properties etc.).

StoriesAboutJanuary · 09/07/2021 20:05

@Cabinfever10

The ring was given in promise of marriage you didn't marry him so he gets it back. If you don't give it back and sell it he can take you to court for the retail cost of the ring and he will win. Yabu and grabby by wanting to keep it give it back
The most reasonable response here.

I understand that you feel ‘entitled’ to the ring as you’d been together for 15 years. However, you received the ring in expectation of a wedding that did not happen. You have to give it back, sis!

Simbacatisback · 09/07/2021 20:05

give him the ring

I took ring of a friend of mine to try and sell it. Had cost almost £6k directly from stone sellers. Insured for 15 years at £10k with certificates to support this valuation

Was offered £350 and £550

He gave it back to his ex in a big but probably pointless gesture

shouldistop · 09/07/2021 20:07

He sounds like a dick but I'd give it back. I'd have done so without any fuss though so he didn't think I was bothered about it then he wouldn't have 'won' anything.

DroopyClematis · 09/07/2021 20:08

I feel sure that, in law, a gift is a gift, and unless there was a contract , eg, I give you this ring until we end our relationship, then your engagement ring is yours , to do with as you please.

StoriesAboutJanuary · 09/07/2021 20:08

@Googlewasmyidea1

And because he's just doing it out of spite and I just don't want to bend to his will. It's a long line of sticks he's using to beat me with and I want to win, just once
If he wants the ring back out of spite why don’t you just give it back? You would save yourself a lot of hassle because if he’s as spiteful as you say he is, he can take you to court and he will win.
FlyingBattie · 09/07/2021 20:08

You don't have to give him anything, but to get him out of my hair, I would give him the ring.

Figgyboa · 09/07/2021 20:08

Give it back.
Engagement rings are given in contemplation of marriage, not a gift as such. If the marriage doesn't take place the ring should be returned.

Cookiebox · 09/07/2021 20:09

The engagement ring is a red herring. He's just using it as an excuse to be difficult and remain in your life.
If you do exactly what he says regarding the engagement ring he'll find another excuse to cause issue.

Jarstastic · 09/07/2021 20:09

Give the ring back and walk away with dignity. I don’t think it is yours legally you didn’t get married, but anyway Is it worth the grief over £500.

QueenBee52 · 09/07/2021 20:10

@Figgyboa

Give it back. Engagement rings are given in contemplation of marriage, not a gift as such. If the marriage doesn't take place the ring should be returned.
However, the law says, under the Law Reform (Miscellaneous Provisions) Act 1970, that 'the gift of an engagement ring shall be presumed to be an absolute gift; this presumption may be rebutted by proving that the ring was given on the condition, express or implied, that it should be returned if the marriage did not take place for any reason.'
Livelovebehappy · 09/07/2021 20:11

I always thought that an engagement ring was a promisary gift anticipating marriage, and if the marriage doesn’t go ahead, the ring should be returned to the giver of the ring. (Well that’s what judge Judy says 🤷‍♀️)

Sparklingbrook · 09/07/2021 20:11

The engagement ring is a red herring. He's just using it as an excuse to be difficult and remain in your life

But he's kind of in her life due to the shared DC isn't he?

AnxiousWeirdo · 09/07/2021 20:11

I dunno, I'd tell him to stuff it but I know Judge Judy would tell you to hand it over ...

RandomMess · 09/07/2021 20:13

I would tell him your selling it to pay for the CMS he should have been paying for the last x months

StoriesAboutJanuary · 09/07/2021 20:13

@ScaredNotAnxious

Under the The Law Reform (Miscellaneous Provisions) Act 1970 states:

“The gift of an engagement ring shall be presumed to be an absolute gift; this **presumption may be rebutted by proving that the ring was given on the condition, express or implied, that it should be returned if the marriage did not take place for any reason.”

So you’re not quite right.

soapboxqueen · 09/07/2021 20:14

Judge Judy is American using US law so not applicable if the OP is not in the US.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/07/2021 20:14

@FindingMeno

An engagement ring is a gift and yours to keep I thought.
It depends who ends the engagement doesn't it? If OP did, she should give the ring back.
KingdomScrolls · 09/07/2021 20:16

In England it's considered a gift and you can't ask for a gift back, there are certain circumstances where it might be considered in court for a divorce settlement (eg a very very old heirloom from the groom's family). Having said that I've never understood why anyone would want to wear something every day that was given as a token of love and commitment by someone they are no longer with (death is different). If it was worth a lot of money I'd understand because you could sell it and that could provide for your children, but for the sake of £350 I'd throw it at him.

Looubylou · 09/07/2021 20:16

Traditionally, the ring is given back if the bride breaks off the engagement. YABU. But he is a tosser for asking for it imo and an even bigger one for demanding payment. What a catch he was.

Mpsister · 09/07/2021 20:16

It's given in contemplation of marriage. You didn't marry. The ring is his

fuckingsickofcovid · 09/07/2021 20:18

I gave mine back to my ex. It didn't really feel right to keep it.

Melroses · 09/07/2021 20:18

I think he would struggle to prove it was returnable after 8 years.

Original poster
Googlewasmyidea1 · 09/07/2021 20:20

@Zan58

Both sell it together and put the money towards something for your children. I don’t think either of you should ‘profit’ from the breakdown of the relationship.

I assume you have been negatively affected, in financial terms, for your kids (if you both now have to pay for two separate properties etc.).

Luckily the house was mine and I have a very small mortgage, he has his own house too which he rented out when he moved in with me. He's staying with his dad until his tenants leave at the end of next month. I will be less better off as I will be paying the full amount of bills and have taken on the car lease...that is due to end in March. I can guarantee he wouldn't spend the money on the kids, he'd just blow it...which is another reason for my reluctance
OP posts: