Paedophile or lonely man?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Joined specifically just to ask this question as I’m having a bit of an uncomfortable situation and trying to verbalise it/see if I’m being stupid/unreasonable. Every week I was taking my toddler to the same supermarket and always had the same checkout. The checkout man was always very chatty with my toddler and had a niece of a similar age but no children of his own. As such he was advising on where to buy costumes (and suggesting I take photos of my child in costumes and show him). In the end I had a bit of a creepy feeling so avoided him when I went there/anyway shopped online a bit more.

Went back this week (having not been for months) without my child and he was very disappointed by this/said he missed my child and I needed to bring them in again. Also asked after the costume and again asked for photos.

I can’t tell if this is a lonely person without children (30-40 years old) and maybe a few problems and therefore I’m a bit of a bitch because it was harmless, or if this was a paedophile and he was being creepy and I should let the store know. It was just a bit creepy really.

Thank you everyone

He may not be either but just a bit clueless, he should still be told that it’s not acceptable to ask for photos of people’s kids though so I’d mention it to the manager.

Quiet word with manager.

If he makes you feel odd, avoid the shop or at least his queue.

Chances are (as PP say) he's just got poor social skills but as people wisely say - listen to your gut. It rarely gets it wrong in my experience.

Had to have a chat to DS (11 but young) about a 'friendly guy' who was saying hello to us in the park (and calling to DS to wave). I am aware he has done time for child abuse. Ugh. A tricky conversation to have but I think I got the balance right. Obviously don't want to give my child nightmares but he needs to be aware.

I suspect your supermarket man isn't in this class at all - but as PP say he does need protecting from himself and a word in his ear from the manager about what's appropriate conversation over the till!

Hmm hard to tell, but easy to avoid him. Honestly without proof the store can't do anything anyway.
We have an elderly guy in our street who lives alone. He used to be very chatty (don't see him much now) and when my ds1 was younger he used to chat away to him. Absolutely fine, lovely. Then one day he asked if he could take ds to a town fair in the next town over by himself 🤔 ds was oy about 4. I was a young single mum living alone so just made an excuse, but thought that was really weird. Then about a year later ds had been playing out in the street with 2 other kids that moved in next door and he came in to ask if he was aloud to go in and play in other neighbours garden, because apparently he had asked if he wanted to come in! I told ds no, and he was a good boy for coming to ask, and he was always to make sure he never went anywhere alone with anyone without seeing me first, even if he knew them really well.
We live in a very small street where we all know each other and I get on well with my neighbours but I started to avoid that man after that. I felt a bit guilty because he may just have been a lonely older man, but surely any normal person knows that's a bit weird, even if they are just trying to be nice.

Obviously you could tell them he was asking for photos of your child though.

@Changednameforthis12

Please read “gift of fear” by Martin de beker(spelling?). You can get free PDF online no need to buy.

Gavin De Becker, OP

No-ones accusing him - but he needs to be made aware of how it looks when a stranger asks to see photos - esp. more than once.

It's just not OK to do that to customers.

When I worked in a supermarket I found it desperately boring and used it to work on my memory. So would deliberately try and remember details about people.

Random person asking for photos of my child, listen to gut.

He's grooming you. Yep, grooming you to get near your child. He's seeing how far he can get with you by asking you for photos in costumes. Paedophiles will work on someone for months and months, and you are giving him the opportunity by going to his till EVERY TIME.

Tell the manager or the police. They will take it seriously. He may have a record, or a lapsed record of sexual abuse. I'm not saying this to scare you, but you are questioning his motifs so you need to follow this up. Please.

I was listening to a podcast with a psychologist recently who was working with a woman who was struggling with extreme guilt. Essentially, she was in a car park at night time about to go to the supermarket and drove off because she had a “bad feeling” and there was a man there who gave her the creeps. Later that night that same man abducted a woman from that car park and raped and killed her.

He said that we are still instinctive creatures who pick up a lot of signals from our environment than we are aware of, but, out of necessity, dampen them down.

Sometimes “gut feeling” can be a marker for our own deep-rooted prejudices but sometimes it can be a visceral recoil at “badness” we can sense. It’s not possible for you to know whether he’s just socially inappropriate and well-meaning or creepy but if it was me I would keep my child away.

@User6463268578

He's grooming you. Yep, grooming you to get near your child. He's seeing how far he can get with you by asking you for photos in costumes. Paedophiles will work on someone for months and months, and you are giving him the opportunity by going to his till EVERY TIME.

Tell the manager or the police. They will take it seriously. He may have a record, or a lapsed record of sexual abuse. I'm not saying this to scare you, but you are questioning his motifs so you need to follow this up. Please.

Oh shut up with scare mongering,

My earlier message was deleted. I asked if perhaps this guy may have Asperger's. In the sense that he may not understand social cues and is trying to be friendly. Not realising how he is coming across. I wasn't trying to offend anyone. Sorry to anyone who thought I was.

I think everyone's covered just about everything thus far but just to add, if he does this with someone else and this other person tells people about the "creepy guy at so n so who asks for little kids pictures" .... It might not just be a concerned mother on Mumsnet, he could end up in a very serious situation. I'd have a word for that reason (if something cognitive is perhaps going on ofc) if nothing else.

Someone made a comment about someone's kids in a village I lived in once, words got round as they do and he ended up having his house burnt down. As far as I know he's still innocent of being a paedophile.

I just want to update everyone:

I have just finished speaking to the duty manager (the store manager was off). She was fantastic. She said I had absolutely done the correct thing in calling, and that he doesn’t have any special needs that she knows of (although he does have a problem with his leg) but he does receive a lot of praise for his chatting and customer service and her feeling is he is not saying it to be nefarious BUT she really agreed with me that the comments were not appropriate and she will discuss with him. I feel a lot better for having called. She also offered me a gift if I want to go there to pick it up but frankly I think it would be too awkward. Impressed by the handling of this entire situation!

Interestingly I asked my 3 year old this morning if he remembered the checkout man and he said he did and I asked if he liked him and he said no.

"Interestingly I asked my 3 year old this morning if he remembered the checkout man and he said he did and I asked if he liked him and he said no."

That is interesting actually, the fact that yourself and your 3 year old feels weird / doesn't like him could say a lot about someone's true personality. Glad you called op.

@Buildabitch I'm quite happy to take that comment if it saves one child from abuse. But you carry on living in your own safe little world not thinking of others.
Have a great day!

The fact that the store manager was not aware of any difficulties has made me think it’s creepier.

*duty manager

Better correct before someone comes and questions the discrepancy! 😆

You definitely did the right thing.

It's not the usual thing to ask to see photos of the child, but it's not a crime either. He isn't asking for phots of bathtime.
Also, it's so easily avoided. If he made you feel uncomfortable once, why keep going back to his checkout?
The comment about the Facebook page are ridiculous and potentially harmful.

If he made you feel uncomfortable once, why keep going back to his checkout?

I’m
Getting very tired of explaining that I stopped shopping there after he made this comment! I hadn’t been back for several months

Why did you need to add the part about your child saying he didn’t like him? Do you not think you’ve made enough of a point already?

Go and collect your prize then

@Buildabitch

I felt the need because it was interesting! A lot of people have commented on the thread about instincts and gut feelings and reactions. It’s an interesting anthropological point I think.

I think you did the right thing by speaking to a manager.

The manager was way out of line giving you any information whatsoever about the employee. Whether that be his bad leg, or that customers like him.

The sociological point about gut feelings has been debunked many times. As has the idea that the Paedophile is the slightly strange middle aged single bloke who chats to children. Far more likely to be the Grandad and hidden in plain sight, with full access to the child. I believe it's something like 98% of cases.

Trust your gut, don't give him the benefit of doubt when your senses are screaming.
Very strange.