Paedophile or lonely man?

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

Joined specifically just to ask this question as I’m having a bit of an uncomfortable situation and trying to verbalise it/see if I’m being stupid/unreasonable. Every week I was taking my toddler to the same supermarket and always had the same checkout. The checkout man was always very chatty with my toddler and had a niece of a similar age but no children of his own. As such he was advising on where to buy costumes (and suggesting I take photos of my child in costumes and show him). In the end I had a bit of a creepy feeling so avoided him when I went there/anyway shopped online a bit more.

Went back this week (having not been for months) without my child and he was very disappointed by this/said he missed my child and I needed to bring them in again. Also asked after the costume and again asked for photos.

I can’t tell if this is a lonely person without children (30-40 years old) and maybe a few problems and therefore I’m a bit of a bitch because it was harmless, or if this was a paedophile and he was being creepy and I should let the store know. It was just a bit creepy really.

Thank you everyone

Asking about children in general chit chat and even remembering a name wouldn’t ring alarm bells to me.

Did he ask to see your photos or wanted photos for himself? If the latter, definantly creepy. If the former, then maybe he just wanted to follow through the conversation.

Actually, just saw you haven’t been through his till for months. I was thinking a couple of weeks or so. That his abit weird then.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Yes I want to bring it up in a kind way.

Costumes were more Cinderella than swimming. And it was to see photos and not have.

That’s a lot different to asking to actually have a photo, or of it being w swimming costume. With that clarified, he is probably just a friendly man that likes children (in a non-suspect way), but no one really knows I suppose. I wouldn’t speak to the manager about that though, it would be different if he were asking to keep photos or it involved less substantial outfits.

Tread carefully OP, many supermarkets employ people who find it hard to get employment in other places because of learning needs, it could be that he has very poor social barriers and awareness, maybe a word with the supermarket management about the situation is the way to go.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Yes I want to bring it up in a kind way.

Costumes were more Cinderella than swimming. And it was to see photos and not have.

I don’t really see why you would speak to the manager about this. He hasn’t done anything suspect or risky that other people would need to know about for their safety.

It sounds creepy but I don’t think he is a peado or anything so I voted YABU.

I have had this a few times with my daughter but with females. I’ve had presents on her birthday and one came to one of her school plays just to see her I never even knew the women’s name!
I think it is because the child reminds them of their own child/grandchild and then you go in regularly and they see them growing up so you get a connection with them.

I saw a boy going to his prom and I got really emotional as I have lived near him for years since he was little and even though I don’t really know him it feels like I do, so I guess it’s a bit like that. Or when someone feels sad because a celeb has died.

@viques

Tread carefully OP, many supermarkets employ people who find it hard to get employment in other places because of learning needs, it could be that he has very poor social barriers and awareness, maybe a word with the supermarket management about the situation is the way to go.

Yes I came on to say similar to this, however with those considerations in mind I probably wouldn't speak to a manager about it and risk causing upset if the employee is neurodiverse.

I say this as somebody with loved ones whom have autism and learning disabilities.

@Queenoftheashes

Urgh. I recently found out a friend of mine is a paedophile. In hindsight he was really creepy. I’d trust your instincts.

Oh blimey, so did I - such a shock, he was a bit odd in that he lived alone in his 50s & only talked about friends that he went on holiday with. I really thought he was an old-fashioned gentleman, possibly gay & just very private, others who know him concur with that view. I was also gutted that he let me down badly & put me in an incredibly stressful situation. He didn’t tell me anything, just suddenly stopped contact (and delivering work that I relied on him to do) & I was worried about him. I had to really dig to find out. I was absolutely disgusted with his sentence, far, far, too lenient. It’s made me very cynical, you live & learn!

I’d just say, yeah no I don’t want to / am not going to get round to show/ing you photos of them in costume but thanks for asking after them. It’s overfriendly, but just say no.

It is a bit weird and I think I wouldn't take my child to that checkout with that guy anymore if I were you, but I wouldn't report him. There's not really anything suspicious enough to report, but the manager would have to speak to him about it and that could cause a lot of trouble or offend a man who is actually just very friendly and a bit lonely. The name thing isn't weird, some people are great at remembering names.

I think with the photos I would like to clarify that it wasn’t a one off “take photos and show me” - he did say it at the time he mentioned the costume a couple of times during that checkout, then said it again a couple of times. Again I see that perhaps he has some difficulties and doesn’t understand with boundaries but it did make me uncomfortable.

I’m sure there is a way of wording it with the manager or whoever to say that he’s perfectly pleasant and I don’t want to get him into trouble/don’t know if perhaps there’s a history I don’t know about but just wanted to raise it to let them know.

I also agree with the poster that if he does have some problems he will need to be told in case he rubs up the wrong person. His eye was bright red this week which I had thought at the time was just a horrible eye infection/similar but it’s not implausible now, that I’ve read that comment, that he has been on the receiving end of a punch or similar.

Either way I won’t be going back there

Tbh the manager will surely know if he’s a) an ex con with a record or b) someone with difficulties and therefore respond accordingly?

I personally wouldn't speak to management about him. I would probably keep out of his way but he is not a risk to children in his job, it's not like he works in a creche or a swimming pool or something. As pp said, peadophiles don't advertise their interest in children, especially to their parents.

Not necessarily a peadophile, but definitely a weirdo. Avoid.

I have two really good friends who are supermarket store managers (Waitrose) and they get a lot of training on managing these kind of situations. They would both be very kind and sensitive if this is because of neuro-diversity. Don’t speak to a supervisor, it needs to be a store manager. They want to support people with additional needs

@StateOfTheUterus

Thank you - that’s extremely reassuring!

he’s perfectly pleasant and I don’t want to get him into trouble even if he is just socially awkward and there was nothing untoward they need to pick it up and train him accordingly so he doesn't out other customers in a similar position.

Why does he know your child's name though?

Hmm. You need to trust your gut. If he is giving you creepy vibes then avoid him.

It's a tough one really because he might have been trying to be nice, and thought that by expressing interest in your child it would make him look like a friendly bloke just doing his job and being kindly to the customers.

But...the asking for photos. That is overstepping the mark a bit.

It’s hard to know whether he is a creep or just someone who isn’t aware of social norms and boundaries. It’s obviously not normal behaviour to ask for pictures of people’s children, but it’s hard to judge just how worrying this is.

I’d let the manager know the facts. They should know their employees and deal with it accordingly depending on whether this man has any additional needs etc.

Why does he know your child's name though?

He has heard me use it!

@Queenoftheashes why did you have a friend who was really creepy?

@PinkPlantCase

If someone gives you an icky feeling don’t ignore it.

If he isn’t a paedophile then he at the very least has an issue with boundaries and what is an appropriate conversation between cashier and customer

This.

None of us here know if he’s dangerous or just a little odd or unable to follow usual social boundaries.

It’s good to be wary if you’re not sure. You could maybe mention it to the customer services (that it made you I xomoftable) so they’re aware

Justheretoaskaquestion91 ah I see. If it's making you uncomfortable it will make others uncomfortable so you're doing him a favour if he has no ill intentions by letting management know.

Why wouldn't you just use another check out after the first instance of weirdness? I find it incredibly weird that you'd entertain this godawfully strange interaction.
Paedo or not, you have taken people-pleasing to another level.

Tbh its the asking to see pictures which has tipped this over the line for me - until then then just being friendly (maybe a little over friendly) or possibly lonely but re the pictures I would be steering clear and like you, having an internal battle as to whether to say something to his employers or not. …..I think I would probably say something