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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paedophile or lonely man?

204 replies

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/07/2021 17:22

Joined specifically just to ask this question as I’m having a bit of an uncomfortable situation and trying to verbalise it/see if I’m being stupid/unreasonable. Every week I was taking my toddler to the same supermarket and always had the same checkout. The checkout man was always very chatty with my toddler and had a niece of a similar age but no children of his own. As such he was advising on where to buy costumes (and suggesting I take photos of my child in costumes and show him). In the end I had a bit of a creepy feeling so avoided him when I went there/anyway shopped online a bit more.

Went back this week (having not been for months) without my child and he was very disappointed by this/said he missed my child and I needed to bring them in again. Also asked after the costume and again asked for photos.

I can’t tell if this is a lonely person without children (30-40 years old) and maybe a few problems and therefore I’m a bit of a bitch because it was harmless, or if this was a paedophile and he was being creepy and I should let the store know. It was just a bit creepy really.

Thank you everyone

OP posts:
Marshmallow91 · 09/07/2021 20:07

I'm normally a very friendly and welcoming person, but there was one person in our friend group I hated. He gave me the creeps. He was a friends older brother to begin with and then as i made new friends as it got older he was there as well.

Everyone had a go at me because I didn't even want to be near him let alone talk to him. I've never reacted this way with anyone else in my life. I've known people who had been convicted of manslaughter, people with substance abuse issues, and all types of neuro diverse individuals. All bar a few were nice people, and even if I don't gel with someone I still show them respect.

I bumped into his sister a couple years ago and asked how he family was.

She told me that a couple years after I've lost touch he was convinced of having thousands of images of child sexual abuse on his computer.

It was like a weight was lifted off me because I'd actually been feeling bad about how I reacted to this guy.

That proved to me that I should always trust my instincts.

If this guy is making you uncomfortable, then please avoid him. Regardless of any neurological issues he has, or even just boundary issues. Have a word with his manager "out of concern that someone could take his comments the wrong way" and then leave it. Refuse to be served by him if he makes you feel that bad.

Just because someone is friendly doesn't mean they are a nice person. Trust your instincts and don't go back near him.

He could just have difficulties with boundaries. He could be something more sinister. You'll probably never know something do you what you can to protect yourself and your little girl.

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/07/2021 20:07

I will read the book, thank you

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 09/07/2021 20:08

Creepy and yes report. I once contacted a store about a male staff member who kept constantly asking my children’s names. I didn’t get a good vibe from him and told him they don’t give out their names to strangers. He still asked again. It may have been perfectly innocent but I don’t want strangers knowing my children’s names and my children thinking it’s ok to tell random people their names.m

EishetChayil · 09/07/2021 20:10

Nonce.

Cloud1921 · 09/07/2021 20:12

My adopted daughter was sexually abused.

Since it's all come out it's been surprising how many people have come forward having witnessed weird behaviour, but at the time they brushed it off because he was just so nice and you don't accuse people of things like this.

I would trust your gut, even if he is lovely and just trying too hard to be friendly your child's safety is always more important than someone's hurt feelings.

me4real · 09/07/2021 20:16

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 You can't be sure but you can err on the side of caution.

Speak to the manager if you like- they'd have a word with him so he'd be less likely to be like it to other people.

I don't think he'd get that job if he had a criminal record of paedo-ism. He wouldn't have to pass a DBS check but he'd be asked to tell them of any convictions, or something like that, hopefully.

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/07/2021 20:18

@me4real

Part of what spurred me to write this post was because I was googling to see if anyone had had a similar issue (maybe even with this specific person) and there was a MN post saying she saw a convicted paedophile working at supermarket.

@Cloud1921 I am very sorry to hear that

OP posts:
TrainedByCats · 09/07/2021 20:20

Pedos will push a boundary that seems harmless first, they are testing how far they can go, if they’ve pushed you into a harmless intimacy eg sharing innocent photos of your child they know asking for a photo will seem harmless after all you’ve shown him pictures already why not let him have one to show his niece? Why not some holiday snaps next?

He may be harmless but then again he may not

Gwenhwyfar · 09/07/2021 20:23

"He needs to be reminded (by, like, a manager) that asking parents for children of their toddlers is considered "really not OK" by many people."

Oh really? Then will someone please remind parents that other people don't have to look through tens of photos of their children!

Youreacockarentyou · 09/07/2021 20:29

I agree with your husband, it seems such an inappropriate thing to say he cannot have reasonable social skills to think that’s acceptable.

I thought you meant swimming costume which would make me extremely suspicious either way, but now you’ve said dress up costume I would be more inclined to think he was a man with learning difficulties who just really likes kids.

I mean I wouldn’t let him babysit…! But I wouldn’t report him either & if you feel uncomfortable definitely just avoid his checkout. He isn’t a danger to children in a supermarket so I don’t think much good could come of reporting it.

butterpuffed · 09/07/2021 20:34

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@me4real

Part of what spurred me to write this post was because I was googling to see if anyone had had a similar issue (maybe even with this specific person) and there was a MN post saying she saw a convicted paedophile working at supermarket.

@Cloud1921 I am very sorry to hear that[/quote]
You're seriously saying it's occurred to you it could be this checkout assistant ?

There are quite a few men in the UK

Floogal · 09/07/2021 20:39

Probably best to tell manager or head office. If he's not a paedophile, he is putting himself in danger by saying these things. Chances are he's probably asked others. Nip in the bud.
. though it should be remembered that just because someone is weird/odd/unintelligent/unnatractive etc etc it doesn't mean there's anything sinister. Likewise if someone looks normal/attractive etc etc etc doesn't necessarily mean they're harmless. Stuck with me after watching this TV movie (based on true story) about man with hormone and learning issues who lives with his mum who served a life sentence for sex motivated murder of a school girl when he was innocent.

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/07/2021 20:39

@butterpuffed

The post was 2 years ago and sounded like the same supermarket chain. It’s not impossible. But that’s not what I mean; I meant the fact a convicted paedophile would get hired at a supermarket was a surprise to me and gave me pause.

OP posts:
Chocolateandamaretto · 09/07/2021 20:40

I think at best he needs a chat about boundaries. Even if he is perfectly innocent he needs to know it's unacceptable to ask customers for pics of their kids, and therefore talking to his manager is absolutely the best firs course of action. I'd also personally not take my child back to that shop!

Mamatoabeauty · 09/07/2021 20:47

Who knows! That would creep me out. I always think the worst but even if he’s not I would report him to a manager, it’s highly inappropriate and unprofessional. Would be tempted to ask on a local fb page if he has experienced the same thing!

Mamatoabeauty · 09/07/2021 20:48

*if anyone has experienced the same thing

Looubylou · 09/07/2021 20:48

I'm thinking socially awkward but trying too hard to be lovely. Very unusual for a man of that age. Probably not creepy, might be a lovely interested uncle to his niece, but he needs to be warned kindly for his own good.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 09/07/2021 20:51

OP, I would bypass the Store Manager completely and have a chat with the Police. I can clearly state now that convicted sex offenders are often employed in public facing roles, which isn’t generally problematic if it is risk managed properly. However, that’s assuming that this chap is (1) a sex offender and (2) convicted.

There is nothing acceptable about the requests being made and it’s beyond the scope of a Store Manager.

Veryverycalmnow · 09/07/2021 20:52

Might be completely innocent, just trying to be friendly. Loads of random shop assistants seem to remember my DS's name.
It's the asking again and again about seeing pictures that makes me feel a shudder.
If you mention it to the manager it may be recorded so that if he has any other odd conversations or behaviours reported a clearer picture might build up. A bit like when reporting a few small safeguarding concerns- together they become evidence of something happening...

TheVolturi · 09/07/2021 20:52

My parents had a new neighbour who they adored. He was so kind and helpful and they always had him around for a cuppa, and in the garden for a chat. Something about him gave me the creeps, which was strange because he was so friendly. Couple of years down the line police turned up and arrested him. He was a convicted paedophile who had broken his terms (I don't know the full ins and outs but he had to stay away from families with children and he had broken this by getting close to another neighbour with young children)
It can be hard to tell, but if you have a feeling you should always trust it.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 09/07/2021 20:53

@Mamatoabeauty

Who knows! That would creep me out. I always think the worst but even if he’s not I would report him to a manager, it’s highly inappropriate and unprofessional. Would be tempted to ask on a local fb page if he has experienced the same thing!
Do NOT take this ridiculous and dangerous piece of “advice” from someone who is clearly desperate to stir the pot.
Mamatoabeauty · 09/07/2021 20:58

RoseRedRoseBlue

“Do NOT take this ridiculous and dangerous piece of “advice” from someone who is clearly desperate to stir the pot.”

Why not? It can be a vague post without identifying the individual. What would you say if he’d asked numerous other parents for pictures of their children? Everyone has a responsibility to protect children it’s not stirring the pot. “Desperate” haha calm down!

Newmumatlast · 09/07/2021 21:00

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I think the photo comment(s) are the ones which tipped everything over the edge for me. DH says (but he hasn’t met the man) that he would assume as it’s such an odd and clearly unacceptable request that the man just doesn’t have the social skills and I should think generously. But then I know the phrase “hiding in plain sight” and I’m not so sure. I genuinely don’t know If I’m being unreasonable.
Never think generously over issues of child protection or personal safety. Always better to risk offence and apologise later than to not take steps to protect and regret it forever more.
RoseRedRoseBlue · 09/07/2021 21:01

Oh get real. This will start a vigilante campaign and you know it, as there is no way to be vague about this situation. The OP can potentially protect children by taking this to Police, not the local pitchfork wavers.

Blindstupid · 09/07/2021 21:08

OP I’m confused - you said you’ve joined mumsnet specifically to just ask this question, yet in a later post you sarcastically complain that mumsnet is a wonderful place - implying you’ve been here a while ….. so which is it??

Also your costume comment is a bit odd … why say Cinderella then say it’s Gruffalo.??

The way you’re talking just doesn’t really make sense.