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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paedophile or lonely man?

204 replies

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/07/2021 17:22

Joined specifically just to ask this question as I’m having a bit of an uncomfortable situation and trying to verbalise it/see if I’m being stupid/unreasonable. Every week I was taking my toddler to the same supermarket and always had the same checkout. The checkout man was always very chatty with my toddler and had a niece of a similar age but no children of his own. As such he was advising on where to buy costumes (and suggesting I take photos of my child in costumes and show him). In the end I had a bit of a creepy feeling so avoided him when I went there/anyway shopped online a bit more.

Went back this week (having not been for months) without my child and he was very disappointed by this/said he missed my child and I needed to bring them in again. Also asked after the costume and again asked for photos.

I can’t tell if this is a lonely person without children (30-40 years old) and maybe a few problems and therefore I’m a bit of a bitch because it was harmless, or if this was a paedophile and he was being creepy and I should let the store know. It was just a bit creepy really.

Thank you everyone

OP posts:
Notanothercactus · 09/07/2021 21:09

I had a strange experience on a train about 3 years ago. DD was about 18 months old and sitting on my knee - and I fell into conversation with a much older man sat opposite, who was chatty and told me about his grandkids, etc. Out of the blue, he just raised his phone (it was an ancient flip phone but it did have a camera) and took a couple of pics of DD’s face and said he would love to show them to his grandchildren. I was completely taken aback for a second before asking him firmly to delete them. He was shocked, and said he would, and showed me that he had. It was just so weird. What the fuck? Who knows who he was? Friendly granddad who overstepped a boundary by taking a photo of a toddler on a train, or much worse?

In your situation I would speak to the supermarket manager, explain the comments and just say they made you uncomfortable - which you shouldn’t have to feel when doing your shopping.

Mamatoabeauty · 09/07/2021 21:10

@RoseRedRoseBlue I disagree. My area has a local fb page for parents that you can post anonymously. The poster could ask the same thing she has here (if that exists in her area) and it would be responded to the same way this has. If she’s from a village or a small town then yes maybe it wouldn’t be the best idea but was just a suggestion. The police are overworked and understaffed. Pretty sure this wouldn’t get looked into for a long time.

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/07/2021 21:12
  • OP I’m confused - you said you’ve joined mumsnet specifically to just ask this question, yet in a later post you sarcastically complain that mumsnet is a wonderful place - implying you’ve been here a while ….. so which is it??

Also your costume comment is a bit odd … why say Cinderella then say it’s Gruffalo.??

The way you’re talking just doesn’t really make sense*

It makes complete sense. I said Cinderella in response to a poster who asked if it was “swimming costume or more Cinderella”, eg, fancy dress. It was the latter. I was initially trying to post without too much specific info but the Sherlock Holmes characters (including you!) drew me out a little, so I was then specific about the character being the gruffalo.

I have read posts for years, but haven’t posted. I created an account today to post this.

Makes perfect sense to me! ☺️

OP posts:
RoseRedRoseBlue · 09/07/2021 21:13

If it’s anything like my local FB group it will be a bun fight from the get-go. Given the Police have dedicated teams that deal with this sort of thing it will be a priority. If he IS known to them they will be allowed over it.

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/07/2021 21:15

@Notanothercactus

That is crazy! 😱 did he also delete photos from the deleted folder?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/07/2021 21:16

I appreciate the thought but I won’t be posting on any local groups for exactly the reason said; I don’t want anyone to get any ideas and anything to happen to this man in case he’s just a lonely man who means well. The store will deal with it accordingly, and perhaps i can get his name and fill out a Sarah’s law form

OP posts:
MrsWhites · 09/07/2021 21:20

Jesus Christ, this site is dangerous sometimes - suggestions that the OP should call the police, or even worse, ask on a local Facebook page, ruin the fucking mans life when he could be just be trying to be friendly but overstepping the mark!

I think many of the responses would be different if the cashier were a woman, the OP would be being told it’s just a friendly lady who is taking an interest in a cute kid.

OP for what it’s worth I think for your own piece of mind, just in case it is a little more sinister than you would like to think and also from a training aspect it’s worth mentioning to the store manager. They will surely have a better understanding of this person and can contact the police themselves if they have any further concerns. You don’t have to do it in an accusatory way, I would just suggest that it might be overstepping a little and although you assume he is just being friendly it could make people uncomfortable.

Notanothercactus · 09/07/2021 21:22

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@Notanothercactus

That is crazy! 😱 did he also delete photos from the deleted folder?![/quote]
I can’t be 100% sure, but the phone was seriously old school so I suspect it wouldn’t even have had a deleted folder. It was so strange. He did seem genuinely baffled at his own actions and panicked a bit when I asked him to delete the pics!

user0985238 · 09/07/2021 21:22

This reminds me very much of a guy with special needs who was placed in my shop for a bit. He was friendly and helpful, loved childrens' tv and asked the regional manager (pompous git) what his favourite teletubby was while the guy was bollocking someone about unsold stock.

Completely inappropriate, he had no idea as he really lacked social skills. I can imagine him doing this, he asked us about our kids, families, etc all the time. Speak to the manager.

Blindstupid · 09/07/2021 21:25

Yes of course OP, that explains it Hmm

A more reasonable response to the swimming/Cinderella (as it’s actually quite a shocking difference to a photo) would have been - oh sorry, to clarify, no not swimming costume, dress up costume. The actual costume is hardly identifiable information Hmm

As for the time you’ve been on here - again, odd choice of wording.

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/07/2021 21:25

@user0985238

Thank you for this comment - yes of course it could absolutely be like this too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/07/2021 21:26

@Blindstupid

again, I said Cinderella AS ANOTHER POSTER HAD SAID IS IT MORE SWIMMING COSTUME OR CINDERELLA

☺️

OP posts:
RoseRedRoseBlue · 09/07/2021 21:28

@MrsWhites the Police are exactly who should be tasked with this. It’s way more discreet and appropriate than Facebook, and takes the onus off the store manager.

overstepper · 09/07/2021 21:28

Most people nowadays know that asking to see photographs of a stranger's child is not the done thing, and so yes I do think you should talk to the store manager like a pp has said. I also think it is reasonable to be concerned that he knows vaguely where you live and that he knows your dc's name, and to tell the store manager about your concerns, as you would be raising them as concerns about what might be the case, not making assumptions about what definitely is the case.

I would put up clear boundaries with him, and say that you won't be showing him photographs and ask him to stop asking for them, though say it in a nice way, and use another till.

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/07/2021 21:29

@Blindstupid

Exactly question was
“Costumes as in swimming, or Cinderella?”
Answer
“As in Cinderella”

There. Perfectly normal response. Sorry to disappoint.

I also think it’s quite normal to say I've joined to post a question, but be familiar with the site. I’ve been Googling parenting questions for as long as I’ve been pregnant with my eldest, so nearly 4 years. Lots of googling parenting questions end up on mumsnet so very familiar with it, as most parents are. I’m not engaging with you on this further (apt username 🤪)

OP posts:
Blindstupid · 09/07/2021 21:29

Yes Im aware of that OP …. Maybe we’d just use different language to each other … my points still stand. As do my thoughts. I’ll leave you to your thread.

movingadviceneeded · 09/07/2021 21:31

OP I have a lot of experience in this situation (ex retail store manager for 15 years) I would 100% phone and speak to the store manager.

Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/07/2021 21:33

@movingadviceneeded

Thank you. Do I just call at the weekend or is the manager a mon-fri role?

OP posts:
Pollaidh · 09/07/2021 21:35

If you take your toddler in again make sure your toddler knows that just because you chat to this person, they are not a 'friend'. "Sometimes adults talk politely and in a friendly way to strangers, but it doesn't mean they're a friend, they are still a stranger."

IME children find it hard to distinguish and can see polite chat and smiles with a near stranger as a sign you know them and they're 'safe'. So when you talk about stranger danger, they may think this person isn't actually a stranger.

Moomala · 09/07/2021 21:36

I would politely raise concerns with the manager. He may have a hidden disability of some sort. I get a man in b & q always give me advice on the things I'm looking at (no one every is normally that helpful in b and q) he talks without listening really and even if I don't need help and say I'm fine I'm just reading the instructions he doesn't get the hint. Clearly not doesn't know social cues. This guy is either creepy or doesn't have a clue about social cues...or could be both.

GrrrlPwr · 09/07/2021 21:37

Listen to your instincts.
Gavin de Beker, the gift of fear.
Amazingly educational book.
ALWAYS listen to your gut instinct.
And act on it.

Moomala · 09/07/2021 21:37

The guy asking for the photos that is. Not my chatty over helpful b & q guy

Buildabitch · 09/07/2021 21:40

You want to call the manager to do what exactly? Humiliate an innocent man by accusing him of being one the sickest things in the world?

Or if it’s true then what do you think Stephen manager of the local Tesco’s is going to do to stop a predator?

RoseRedRoseBlue · 09/07/2021 21:43

@Buildabitch

You want to call the manager to do what exactly? Humiliate an innocent man by accusing him of being one the sickest things in the world?

Or if it’s true then what do you think Stephen manager of the local Tesco’s is going to do to stop a predator?

Precisely.
Original poster
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/07/2021 21:45

*You want to call the manager to do what exactly? Humiliate an innocent man by accusing him of being one the sickest things in the world?

Or if it’s true then what do you think Stephen manager of the local Tesco’s is going to do to stop a predator?*

But I don’t understand how you’ve inferred that that’s how the conversation would go or that being the intention from anything anyone has written in this thread!

OP posts: