2 weddings the same day, which does DD go to?

[WeddingWhichOne]

I never thought I’d be in this position.

Got a DD aged 7.

Two weddings end of August, she’s bridesmaid at both weddings.

1 is my best friend who is also DDs godmother, the other is Ex-SILs (ExHs Sister).

She cannot do both as they’re at different venues at opposite sides of our very large county.

For context: My best friend asked us first, during the first lockdown and I am also her bridesmaid so I won’t be able to get DD to the other wedding.

ExH has DD EOW and it is technically his weekend but we’d already agreed the swap before he told me about his sisters wedding.

So which wedding does DD attend? Her godmothers/mums best friend, or her aunts/Ex-SILs?

For even more context in case it’s relevant split with ExH due to his violence and control, there is a CAO but he never sticks to it and only has her for 1 night EOW.

I am very tempted to say that as I’ve rearranged everything DD comes with me to my best friends wedding but I am worried about fall out from ExH and his family if she’s not at her aunts wedding.

Vote:
YANBU - She comes with me to best friends
YABU - She goes with ExH to her aunts

@thing47

This thread is bonkers! People are advising OP to take a course of action which hands more control to ex-'family' who have already proved themselves to be controlling to the extent of being given legal warning to back off.

OP you clearly want to go to your friend's wedding, with your daughter who is a bridesmaid, in an arrangement which has been made and agreed by both parents. So do that, please.

Yes yes yes! I can’t believe so many people are asking her to give in to an abusive ex and his controlling family. I also agree with whoever said that is their even an actual Aunts wedding…

I don't believe for one minute that exH 'forgot' to tell his sister.
More like he mentioned in passing that he was swapping weekends because DD was going to be a bridesmaid at 'Jane's' wedding.
Then ex-SIL decides she wants her wedding on the same weekend when in fact she probably hadn't decided on the exact day/date.
I assuming this because of the previous harassment/manipulation/abuse that they've given you.
Like pp's have said stand your ground & stick with your friend/DD's Godmother's wedding.

Family trumps all when it comes to this I think
Are you kidding, @IrishCharm???

An ex-SIL who has been court ordered never to contact OP again? She's not family. She's harassing ex-family. OP has no contact with her! Why on earth should she have priority over OP's best friend?

I think people have gone mad on this thread. So it's OK for OP's ex not to pay CM, not to have the dc as the court order says, he's already agreed to swap weekends for this wedding, yet OP has to give in and send her dd to him for the wedding of her horrible ex-SIL?? Why is that fair??

Due to their previous behaviour to you, you owe them NOTHING, OP. And your ex is a waste of space too.

@thelastgoldeneagle

Family trumps all when it comes to this I think Are you kidding, *@IrishCharm*???

An ex-SIL who has been court ordered never to contact OP again? She's not family. She's harassing ex-family. OP has no contact with her! Why on earth should she have priority over OP's best friend?

I think people have gone mad on this thread. So it's OK for OP's ex not to pay CM, not to have the dc as the court order says, he's already agreed to swap weekends for this wedding, yet OP has to give in and send her dd to him for the wedding of her horrible ex-SIL?? Why is that fair??

Due to their previous behaviour to you, you owe them NOTHING, OP. And your ex is a waste of space too.

But she’s the child’s aunt! Doesn’t it come down to the child aside from all that has gone on between the adults? As I said, originally I thought the first that had been agreed to, got priority.. but then I tried looking at it strictly from the child’s perspective! Maybe some agree with me, maybe some not - maybe this is one of those where there is no right or wrong?! Ex and his family are the lowest of the low but you can’t change the fact the child will ALWAYS be related to them

Op said her DD is close to the friend and would likely prefer to attend her wedding.

We might be related to our family, but not everyone loves it is lived by their family some of us have friends who have lived us as family is supposed to.

My DC have nothing to do with ex or his family.

They do have ‘aunties’ who are not related by blood but certainly by the love they show them.

@WeddingWhichOne
Normally, I'd say the prior agreement takes precedence. However, I do believe that blood takes priority over friendships, regardless of how there for you etc she has been.
Also, he gave permission without knowing this event and is perfectly, legally and morally imo, able to retract this now he has this additional information regarding his sister's wedding.
Your suggestion that he should bring her back to your friend's wedding if you split the day, I also disagree with, given it's his weekend, your daughter would remain at the reception for the Aunt, not returning to you.
The other information, though sets a scene of woe you etc, is irrelevant. Ultimately, the wedding occurs on ex's time so really the ball is in his court! And it's not really for him to have to make suggestions how to facilitate this situation, when it's you wanting your daughter in his time! You need to approach this from how you believe you could facilitate both weddings. And if he's not in agreement accepting graciously that him not obliging is not unreasonable.

Give your ex has agreed the change in contact I think you stick with wedding you’ve already accepted, your friend’s.

Ex and his family are the lowest of the low but you can’t change the fact the child will ALWAYS be related to them

She will always be related to them, but that doesn't mean she will have a relationship with them. In fact a court which presumably heard both sides of the argument has ordered them NOT to have a relationship.

I think in the long term OP's DD is far more likely to have a loving relationship with her godmother, who has stood by her mother throughout, than with people who have abused and tried to control her mother. Blood does not have to take precedence over friendships, that is entirely an individual's decision – astonishing as it may seem to some, not everyone has blood ties which are worth preserving and I would say abusive in-laws fall firmly into that category.

I would have thought the law would be on his side. But I have no idea really. What a shame for your dd. She could have been bm twice. Your friend’s wedding isn’t worth jeopardising your custody agreement. I hope she’s been understanding.

Otoh, if you think you have a case, I imagine you will get legal advice.

"In fact a court which presumably heard both sides of the argument has ordered them NOT to have a relationship."

Then why does she see her Aunt & Gps EOW?

Because my best mate it adorable I'd send DD to the other one and explain (she'd be fine with it) and then have all day and evening to concentrate on my best friend and have a great time.

Sorry forgot to update last night.

Have emailed my solicitor, but have decided that DD will go to her aunts wedding if pushed about it. Sad as it is, I am terrified of not getting her back and with the situation with courts at the moment it being months before I even see her again and then distrupting her routine again etc.

However I will not be doing any of the leg work, ExH will have to travel to me at the time stated on the order (not before), I've been told before by my own solictior that it's up to me if she's handed over before 11.30am and as long as she's with ExH within 10 minutes of that time I shouldn't have any issues.

So if he can't get to me to get her at 11.30am she will come with me to my best friends wedding.

Best friend has said DD will get dressed last as she doesn't want Ex-SIL using "her" dress.

So we still don't really know where DD will be on the day.

If you’ve decided your daughter will be going to her aunts wedding, then you do know where she will be on the day surely?

Your last post seems like you’ve decided but you are then digging your heels in. If you’ve decided your ex husband will pick her up then are you not able to be flexible on her pick up time? Could he collect her at 10.30am for example (I’m assuming you will be at your supermarket pick up spot?)

That will then give everyone more time to prepare for both weddings.

I’m sure some responses may be ‘why should you do that’ but I think you have to think of your daughter first here.
You’ve just stated ‘we still don’t really know where DD will be on the day’ so your poor girl will be confused as to what’s going on and for which wedding to get excited and ready for (dress and hair etc)

If your worried, but a tracker, and sew it into your DDs suitcase.
Do not tell her, but it will mean you can go straight to her if needs be.

Surely there must be some compromise? Can’t a member of your family or one of your friends pick DD up from Jane’s wedding and take her to Aunt’s?

It’s being incredibly petty to say that she can go to the wedding but can’t be picked up any earlier than normal for it!

@Cancellingadvice agreed, I’ve just put above the same but in more words!

The poor little girl in this, it’s not good to make a decision but then have a child pay for it in pettiness.

Let her dad collect her a bit earlier so she can be involved in her hair, dress, shoes etc and be in the pre-ceremony pictures.

Then OP you can be at your friends wedding and are able to involve yourself in the same-hair, make up, dress etc and having a great time with your friend before her ceremony.

Seems like you’re going to dig your heels in to prove a point but you’ll just be pissing yourself off and making it a crap day for your daughter and you.

If he gets her at 11:30am does that mean she gets to be in the godmothers wedding and the aunts I then take it?

I mean that’s the compromise really isn’t it. It’s not his contact till 11:30am and it’s stated he picked her up at X place so that’s his issue. I wouldn’t let her go earlier either it’s all about control with them.

Oh just re read looks like the god others wedding is later than that time. Ok but I still stand by my comment.

It’s about control. If he now suddenly wants to stick to the letter it’s 11:30am at the pick up point.

Well if he's determined that his daughter is at his sister's wedding & he's got family members pressuring him to make it so then he might just find that he can be there for his contact time.

Still not sure if he'll want his daughter for the evening reception & overnight(?) on the Saturday which is why I suggested earlier that Op collect/meet somewhere to collect her before that if possible.

I'd rather know that she was safe with me for that that with rellies who are getting pissed & might not be taking good care of her.
(If that is a possibility)

Who is more important to DD? Your friend, or her auntie? I know in my family the auntie would win, hands down.

Best friends/godmothers wedding is 12.30, I will already be at the hotel we're having the wedding at as she's paid for bridal party to stay the night before. I also have a room booked for the night after so I don't have to faff with taxis/lifts home.

Aunts wedding is at 1pm. So if he got DD from me at 11.30am he'd make it to the venue of Ex-SILs wedding in plenty of time.

I have never changed contact before, never asked for her on his weekend as I've always been so worried. This is a one off, my family would usually organise things on "my" weekend with DD but friends already cancelled the wedding once due to her father dying so I can't expect her to change it again.

He's never had her early either. He;s occasionally late and I take her to supermarket cafe, but he's never had her before 11.30am so this is completely new territory to us.

@Cancellingadvice

It’s being incredibly petty to say that she can go to the wedding but can’t be picked up any earlier than normal for it!

Yeah. She's being shuffled around like a piece of luggage. Where are the plans to let her enjoy and savor these experiences? Rushing in at last minute to aunt's wedding when everyone else has bonded over the getting-ready moments is shit, frankly.

In normal circumstances I would say she comes with you OP as that was the original arrangement etc

But honestly? In this situation I think I’d say go to aunts, that way you don’t have the (inevitable) fallout this is going to cause and you are able to fully enjoy your best friends wedding being a on duty parent

I would definitely be stipulating that DD needs to go two nights though (night before and of the wedding’s)