Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 weddings the same day, which does DD go to?

272 replies

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:41

I never thought I’d be in this position.

Got a DD aged 7.

Two weddings end of August, she’s bridesmaid at both weddings.

1 is my best friend who is also DDs godmother, the other is Ex-SILs (ExHs Sister).

She cannot do both as they’re at different venues at opposite sides of our very large county.

For context: My best friend asked us first, during the first lockdown and I am also her bridesmaid so I won’t be able to get DD to the other wedding.

ExH has DD EOW and it is technically his weekend but we’d already agreed the swap before he told me about his sisters wedding.

So which wedding does DD attend? Her godmothers/mums best friend, or her aunts/Ex-SILs?

For even more context in case it’s relevant split with ExH due to his violence and control, there is a CAO but he never sticks to it and only has her for 1 night EOW.

I am very tempted to say that as I’ve rearranged everything DD comes with me to my best friends wedding but I am worried about fall out from ExH and his family if she’s not at her aunts wedding.

Vote:
YANBU - She comes with me to best friends
YABU - She goes with ExH to her aunts

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 09/07/2021 14:33

@selflove

Clause 4 wouldn't cover this. You no longer have the agreement of both parties.

The fact he agreed previously is irrelevant, now things have changed and he no longer agrees. Legally, she should be with her dad that weekend. And a court would definitely agree that her fathers weekend AND family wedding with all her fathers family would trump her mother's friend, particularly as it is his weekend anyway. Throughout her life she will spend lots of time with you, and your friend. This is one opportunity for her to be with all her dads family together.

But if he's only said "oh" and doesn't push it further, carry on as you are. If he pushes back, you'd have to relent and let it go.

This.
billy1966 · 09/07/2021 14:34

No discussion.

She goes to the one she committed to first.

End of.

Anything else is plain rude.

AnotherEmma · 09/07/2021 14:39

There's a lot of preoccupation with being "rude" - shock horror! But that's actually beside the point when there's court-ordered contact. If he withdraws his permission to change it, that's that. OP could ask a solicitor's opinion on what might happen if she insisted on taking DD to her friend's wedding, as previously agreed. But no amount of mumsnetters saying it's a no brainer, no discussion, etc will change the legal situation.

Confused2886 · 09/07/2021 14:50

@WeddingWhichOne

Was in a similar scenario, however it was my wedding that friends DD couldn't be bridesmaid.
Friends Ex's brothers wedding was same day (booked after mine), although dresses had been ordered friend paid for the dress and her DD went to other wedding (was flowergirl there). I wasn't mad or anything, it was actually myself who suggested to save arguement that she go as friend was fretting. Your friend sounds as though she'd understand.
BUT Reading your replies to others has made me rethink... not sure myself on what's what with courts and rights but I'd perhaps ask your DD where she would like to go?
It is a shame that they've clashed. Would your Ex have conveniently forgot or is he quite forgetting of things? (This to me would be how I'd choose, if he's 'forgot' intentionally then I'd perhaps stick to the original plan and he can deal with his family).

Beautyschooldropin · 09/07/2021 14:50

You go to your friend’s wedding with your daughter. You arranged this before you knew about the aunt. It’s unfortunate but you are always committed elsewhere.

Hariboqueen1 · 09/07/2021 14:51

Sorry I disagree with everyone. I dont get on with my ex sis in law but if she made my nephew miss my wedding because her best friend was getting married and it was my brothers fault for messing up the dates I would be furious. Its not your ex sis in laws fault that her brother messed up the dates. Your ex husband is completely to blame not her. Honestly my nephew is so important to me and I see him less than your sis in law sees her niece, you cant let her niece miss her big day.

notlikethisreally · 09/07/2021 14:54

He has said "I don't want her to go to Jane's wedding anymore" but nothing more yet

I presume he thinks he doesn't have to say anything more as that is the end of it? He has told you he is not swapping the weekend anymore.

PP saying things like. ' the fallout isn't your issue', well, it will become your issue, won't it? You have at least a decade of needing to be in contact with your ex around your daughter. I personally would not be starting a nuclear war with your ex and his family over this. Its alright for people on here to say ' stuff him - he agreed and he's a git anyway, go to your bestie's wedding' - but they aren't going to have to live with the consequence, are they? You and your daughter are. And you can forget about getting his co-operation on anything ever again.

@selflove's post sounds really sensible.

It is his weekend. It is a family wedding, arranged around his weekend. For your and your daughter's sake - this is not a hill to die on.

timeisnotaline · 09/07/2021 15:01

@AnotherEmma

There's a lot of preoccupation with being "rude" - shock horror! But that's actually beside the point when there's court-ordered contact. If he withdraws his permission to change it, that's that. OP could ask a solicitor's opinion on what might happen if she insisted on taking DD to her friend's wedding, as previously agreed. But no amount of mumsnetters saying it's a no brainer, no discussion, etc will change the legal situation.
But if he can change his mind, he could do that anytime. So no agreed change can be relied on until it’s actually happened? Seems a poor default view by the courts.
Lindaloo08 · 09/07/2021 15:04

Could she attend the SIL wedding and a neutral friend of yours collect her and drop her to your friends wedding?

If they are a family that scare you then it's not worth poking the bear. Hopefully everyone on their side will work in a reasonable way with you too.

Your friend will understand, if shes been with you, she will like a pp have no issue. Not an easy one, I feel for you

JustAnotherLawyer2 · 09/07/2021 15:12

You already arranged this, and it falls under para 4 of your order. You have his text confirming his agreement and the alternative arrangement he wanted in return. He can change his mind, but he'll have to go to court to do so as you made plans based on his agreement. It is highly unlikely that the court would demand you change your arrangements, so even if he were to get a hearing in time (doubtful) I don't think the outcome would favour him. Common sense says that if they were planning a wedding to coincide with his weekend that they would have told you in advance that this was planned 'just in case'.

He cannot retain the child - the police would be able to attend with you (to keep the peace) if they tried to do so and you went to pick her up. If the police refused, you'd very quickly be able to get an order from the court (within 48 hours) to have her returned.

Since you have the upper hand and will have the child on the day of the wedding, go ahead and go to your friend's wedding and enjoy the day. This was all agreed - the fact the ex and his family didn't think to let you know sooner is not your problem.

Dogvmarmot · 09/07/2021 15:12

@shivawn

You're best friend asked you first so she I'd already committed to that wedding. It would be very bad form to pull her out of the wedding party after saying yes in my opinion.
this. and it teaches your daughter that you stick to your commitments even if you have to miss out on something. and possibly less stressful than feeling she (or you) has to 'choose' which.
dustmitesprite · 09/07/2021 15:14

With all your updates I would let your DD go to her aunt's wedding.
Technically she was committed to both weddings as your ex didn't realise they clashed. It's not as simple as saying your friend asked first.
It's your ex's weekend, he is entitled to change his mind about the swap, particularly for a family event like his sister's wedding.
I'm sorry that it puts you and your friend in a mess but if your friend will understand that seems better than risking ongoing problems with ex and his family.

Beautiful3 · 09/07/2021 15:19

She obviously has to go to the first one she committed to. You've said she will go. You can't cancel because the dad prefers her to go else where, that's rude.

LH1987 · 09/07/2021 15:29

Go to the first engagement accepted.

Bollindger · 09/07/2021 15:31

if the drive is 60 mins between weddings and the weddings are 30 mins apart there is no way your DD can do both.
I would remind Ex of all the party time he will miss if he has to do a 60 min drive, and has to look after his DD.
After all it would leave you child free at your friends wedding,
Bet if you remind him of he would have DADDY dueties at a party, and that he won't be able to drink , he will decide he is not collecting her.

Challengerice · 09/07/2021 15:33

All the many saying

You go to the first engagement accepted

Are you sharing children with an ex partner?

Because I am an old timer at it, and this kind of black and white view is simply not conducive to how shared parenting due to a relationship works Ona healthy long term basis.

Hariboqueen1 · 09/07/2021 15:33

@Beautiful3

She obviously has to go to the first one she committed to. You've said she will go. You can't cancel because the dad prefers her to go else where, that's rude.
It’s not that her dad prefers her to go else where, it’s her aunts wedding! Honestly I can imagine this happening in my family, I throughly dislike my brother I think he’s a crap father and he too wouldn’t even think about dates until the week before to see if they clashed. But there would be no way in hell I would let my nephew miss my wedding because his mums best friend had a wedding too and my brother didn’t think about the dates. She must have wanted her niece there as she took into account what weekend she was at her dads. It’s your ex husbands fault not your ex sis in law.
Challengerice · 09/07/2021 15:35

@WeddingWhichOne

I've text my friend to tell her I want to call her and chat tonight, she's replied "It's about the wedding isn't it?" she's not on here so don't think she's seen this yet. Will update when I've spoken to her.
I absolutely would not involve my best friend in this!!!

Don’t taint something very special to her with this. Whatever you decide I am sure she will respect and trust that you made the right decision given the circumstances. But good heavens… don’t drag her in to any discussion about it

Challengerice · 09/07/2021 15:39

@WeddingWhichOne

If it helps for legal people. CAO is written as:

(DDs full name) Date Of Birth: () will remain resident with the mother (my full name) until her 18th birthday unless bought before this or any other family court and this order amended

1.a. (DDs first name) shall attend (school name) during all school days unless attending a medical appointment or ill.

(DDs fist name)'s school may be changed at the natural transition point or with agreement of the resident mother and (headteachers name), headteacher of (school name) as long as none resident is kept up to date.

Contact with the none resident father (ExHs full name) will take place as follows:

  1. Term Time
a) b) One night after school for 2 hours - the court suggest this to be Wednesday
  1. School Holidays
a). Every second weekend from 11.30am Saturday until 5.30pm Sunday b) From 9am until 5.30pm on the day None Resident Father usually has contact after school
  1. The above times may be changed or amended at the agreement of both parties without the need to bring this before the court
  1. Contact outside the norm
There will be contact outside the norm for the None Resident Father on the following days and times. The following dates and times take precedence over any other arrangements made between the parties: a) For two hours on the (birthday) every year after school b) From 2pm Christmas Day until 2pm Boxing Day or any other 24 hour period agreed between the parties from Christmas Day until Boxing Day c) Father's Day from 10am until 5.30pm
  1. Due to clause 5c it is fairest that the Mother should have Mother's Day with (DDs name)

Not sure if any help to anyone. Clause 4 in the order is what I think this falls under, we've agreed the contact between us and I will "repay" it

This is the oddest legal document I have ever read. And I have read thousands.

The head teacher is actually named in the document?

And the fact it actually says “it is fairest” that you have her in mother”s day…. EVERY clause should be fair. That’s a given. I can’t believe a solicitor would write such a thing

SunshineCake · 09/07/2021 15:43

Violence irrelevant.

Godmothers wedding. Asked first. Swap agreed.

StrawberryDelight10 · 09/07/2021 15:46

To me it sounds like your ex has changed his mind and wants her for the weekend which he is entitled to do?

I agree it would be better for your DD to go with you to her godmother's wedding but I think you're going to have your hands tied here as it is your ex's weekend to have her. I understand he originally agreed to swap but if he changes his mind I'm not sure what you can do?

SunshineCake · 09/07/2021 15:47

Anyone who treated me like shit would not get the benefit of the joy of my child.

Challengerice · 09/07/2021 15:50

@SunshineCake

Anyone who treated me like shit would not get the benefit of the joy of my child.
Hmm

Nice sentiment but completely irrelevant to this thread and indeed the reality of divorced families

notlikethisreally · 09/07/2021 15:54

@SunshineCake

Anyone who treated me like shit would not get the benefit of the joy of my child.
Your child is not a 'thing' for you to share or withhold as a reward or punishment.
Happynewtier · 09/07/2021 15:55

You'd already agreed to the first, so if you now turn that down, I think your friend/DDS godmother would be very upset, and I'd worry about that more than your exs sister tbh. Plus I don't see how someone can get annoyed at you for not changing plans for an equally as important day? Exs family can't expect you to drop out of another wedding. If it's that important to them that she's a part of the day, they can change the date, and should have checked beforehand that she'd be available for that date.