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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 weddings the same day, which does DD go to?

272 replies

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:41

I never thought I’d be in this position.

Got a DD aged 7.

Two weddings end of August, she’s bridesmaid at both weddings.

1 is my best friend who is also DDs godmother, the other is Ex-SILs (ExHs Sister).

She cannot do both as they’re at different venues at opposite sides of our very large county.

For context: My best friend asked us first, during the first lockdown and I am also her bridesmaid so I won’t be able to get DD to the other wedding.

ExH has DD EOW and it is technically his weekend but we’d already agreed the swap before he told me about his sisters wedding.

So which wedding does DD attend? Her godmothers/mums best friend, or her aunts/Ex-SILs?

For even more context in case it’s relevant split with ExH due to his violence and control, there is a CAO but he never sticks to it and only has her for 1 night EOW.

I am very tempted to say that as I’ve rearranged everything DD comes with me to my best friends wedding but I am worried about fall out from ExH and his family if she’s not at her aunts wedding.

Vote:
YANBU - She comes with me to best friends
YABU - She goes with ExH to her aunts

OP posts:
Original poster
WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 15:55

I have obviously changed the wording of the CAO, I'm not posting a proper legal document on MN!

I'm not going to ask my friend to choose, I am going to discuss it with her and see how she reacts as to whether I go into battle over it with ExH.

ExH has form for not forgetting as such but being disorganised, many a time there's been parties on his weekend and despite saying he'd go with DD she's not been because he's forgotten. He was the same when we were together, he sometimes even forgot to go to work!

OP posts:
diddl · 09/07/2021 15:58

@SunshineCake

Anyone who treated me like shit would not get the benefit of the joy of my child.
If only it were that simple!
diddl · 09/07/2021 16:01

"We;d have to do, DD with me for my friends ceremony while ExH is with his sister as hers starts half an hour after my friends, then he'd have to drive for an hour to get my DD missing his sisters speeches and possible meal to then drive an hour back for the evening do. It's doable but I'm not sure he'd want to miss out on seeing his sisters speeches and everything. He may even be in the wedding party for his sister himself so then we have a bigger headache"

Would it work the other way?

Your daughter with her Dad for her Aunt's wedding & reception & to you for the evening reception of her Godmother?

SD1978 · 09/07/2021 16:01

It's a shit situation. The main issue is going to be whilst you've arranged the weekend change, with the relationship as it is, him now refusing to change the weekend, and you keeping the arranged change, where will that leave you? It's easy for those not in shit situations with an ex to say but you've arranged this and it's been agreed to, so it's job done, but it's never that easy when you're in an already difficult situation with an ex partner. I'm sorry, and as someone who has had a difficult split, I'd probably back down (personally) because there are years if this crap to go. He's obviously now refused to swap the weekend, if you just didn't turn up at the agreed meeting spot, how hard would that make things for you, given they already suck?

caringcarer · 09/07/2021 16:02

Let your dd choose. Which wedding does she want to be at the most?

SD1978 · 09/07/2021 16:03

@diddl suggestion seems the most workable if he'll compromise at all- then he gets the drinking without the responsibility of parenting, whilst still get the 'status' of having her there for the ceremony

caringcarer · 09/07/2021 16:05

Could your dd do her Godmothers wedding being bridesmaid with you and going to day time reception and could your exh collect dd later to take her to evening reception with her Aunty?

SunshineCake · 09/07/2021 16:07

Oh no. I thought my child was a thing. Bloody hell.

If someone made threats to me too right they wouldn't see my child. Can't think why you'd think they should.

ahoyshipmates · 09/07/2021 16:08

In situations like this the only thing you can do is go to the one that you were invited to first, and let the other one know that you are unable to attend due to a prior commitment.

Original poster
WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 16:15

@SunshineCake

Oh no. I thought my child was a thing. Bloody hell.

If someone made threats to me too right they wouldn't see my child. Can't think why you'd think they should.

Because there's a court order that states that she will go and if I break that I could lose custody/residency of her. I am not putting it to chance that'd happen so I follow the order.
OP posts:
Challengerice · 09/07/2021 16:17

You said that “the cao is written as…”
And then wrote out as a legal document. Not mentioning that you were actually altering it

So to be clear this is not the legal agreement. You’ve changed it.

So how can we comment on it?!

SunshineCake · 09/07/2021 16:18

I get that @WeddingWhichOne and I'm sorry you are in this situation. I still wouldn't do anything for ex SiL.

Challengerice · 09/07/2021 16:18

@SunshineCake

Oh no. I thought my child was a thing. Bloody hell.

If someone made threats to me too right they wouldn't see my child. Can't think why you'd think they should.

Are you in a shared parenting arrangement with experience of the family legal system?
Challengerice · 09/07/2021 16:19

@SunshineCake

I get that *@WeddingWhichOne* and I'm sorry you are in this situation. I still wouldn't do anything for ex SiL.
As a mother, I do a lot of stuff for my ex and his family that I would rather not

Why do it do it?

To make my children’s lives easier

AliceMcK · 09/07/2021 16:30

It’s simple, go to your bffs wedding. Ex agreed to change weekends, he forgot, his problem. Don’t bring it up again unless he dose first in which case you say you agreed so everything was bought and paid for, plans made. Tell him, he didn’t mange things with his sister that’s his problem. If he turns up on wedding weekend, your not there. Just make sure your phones off and keep screen shots of the change of agreement.

Tell him if him or his family make any threats you will call the police as you are not engaging in this. Your sticking to your agreement, he is not.

MouldyPotato · 09/07/2021 16:33

The one that was agreed to first. If it was that important to her aunt then she should have checked when she booked her wedding.

mrstreacle · 09/07/2021 16:37

Am I the only one wondering if there is an actual wedding or is it something his family has come up with to stop you and your daughter going to the lovely one. I'm also wondering if there really is one, did the SIL come up with the date and time specifically to upset you, your daughter and your friend.

CorvusPurpureus · 09/07/2021 16:39

Godmother.

It's the prior invitation, everything is planned accordingly, & you have your ex's agreement in writing to vary the weekend.

I think agreeing to swap back comes under 'paying the Danegeld' - if your ex thinks he can agree things then merrily change his mind whenever his circumstances change (or he just CBA to check his diary properly), you'll have a decade of it because he knows you'll give in every time.

'Yeah I know I said you could take dd on holiday for a fortnight & we'd move my weekend to accommodate it, & I know you've booked the flights but I've changed my mind, she's coming to my mate's barbecue instead.'

'Yeah I know I said we would swap things round this year & dd could have Xmas Day with your grandparents who are coming down from 500 miles away & granddad probably won't be here next year, but I've decided that doesn't suit after all.'

Been there, got the t-shirt.

You need to establish that he can say no, sure, to variations in the access arrangements, but agreed variations are then binding on both parties.

It's on him to check his diary, deal with his sister, & possibly come up with a compromise (he picks up dd after she's done her BM stint to attend auntie's evening reception?) which everyone is happy with.

Legally I'd say you're in a strong position as you've got an agreed variation in writing.

rbe78 · 09/07/2021 16:42

Ok, so on principle - yes, you accepted your friend's wedding invite first (on DD's behalf), so DD should technically go to that one.

BUT:

  1. Does aunt trump godmother? It would in our family, my DSD is closer to her dad's sister than her godmother.

and 2. Maybe you'd actually have a better time at your best friend's wedding without DD? So depsite the principal of the thing, maybe it would suit you better to allow DD to go with her Dad to her aunt's wedding instead?

frazzledasarock · 09/07/2021 16:45

The CAO could you give a copy or the police?

If it states clearly your DD resides with you except for the contact times then that should be legally binding right?

I had a prohibited steps order it stated clearly I was the resident parent and if ex tried to remove the DC from my care there would be a penal sentence attached. He was also not allowed to apply for a passport for them or remove them from the country.

When I had the PSO I filed a copy with the local police and the passport agency. When I tried to renew my DC’s passports it automatically raised flags and I got alerts and requests for authorisation before the applications were processed.

ElizaLynn · 09/07/2021 16:55

OP I really empathize with you and this situation. I have a similar relationship with and fears of my ex's family as you do.

Honestly, to keep the peace and my sanity I would let her go to aunts wedding and then arrange a nice dinner with my friend and DD another weekend to celebrate her marriage.

I know it feels horrid to continue to let a controlling ex control but if you are really concerned re the dads side keeping her and being unable to get help to get her back given he has PR then I just would not rock the boat to risk the paranoia that may come regarding this. I would also stick to the order to the letter and not switch days / adapt / use clause 4 at all because he will then think he has done you a favor and the 'ball is in his court' so to speak. My ex was twisted and I can only imagine the sort of fall out that would follow this situation with him.

I totally understand everyone advising to take her as agreed to your friends wedding and I am sure this is your strong preference. I would love to jump on that advice too and empower you to stick to your guns and what was first agreed given it is his careless error re dates. However sadly I know how draining it can be with a toxic presence in your life until your DD turns 18 and I would pander to him on this occasion to save the stress and trauma of the fallout. Although your DD may prefer to be with you at Janes wedding do you think she would have a nice / at least tolerable time at the aunts?

thing47 · 09/07/2021 17:04

This thread is bonkers! People are advising OP to take a course of action which hands more control to ex-'family' who have already proved themselves to be controlling to the extent of being given legal warning to back off.

OP you clearly want to go to your friend's wedding, with your daughter who is a bridesmaid, in an arrangement which has been made and agreed by both parents. So do that, please.

SquashMinusIsShit · 09/07/2021 18:12

@Challengerice not to mention the use of 'none' instead of 'non'

Challengerice · 09/07/2021 18:22

[quote SquashMinusIsShit]@Challengerice not to mention the use of 'none' instead of 'non'[/quote]
Exactly
This will be deleted but I actually think this entire thing is a fabrication

The op said here’s the legal doc
It’s legally been put together by her. It’s so far from a legally drawn up document I chuckled
Any then she says she changed it
But by that point people had been basing their posts on the legal document that she has presented as such.

In short - I smell total bull shit.

IrishCharm · 09/07/2021 19:05

I started off thinking she goes to the one you agreed to first BUT now I think she should go to her aunties wedding and you go to your best friends. Family trumps all when it comes to this I think x

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